The Lighthouse: Sunset in South Africa
by pinkswallowsun
Summary: When Nikki begins acting strangely, Harry and Leo try their best to help her, and solve a difficult case at the same time. But what if the reason behind Nikki's behaviour was connected to the case itself? Can Harry help her before it's too late?
1. Prologue

**This is my first ever attempt at a fanfic, and I'm dying to know what you all think! Please read and review, and I will try to update again ASAP, real life permitting. I have the whole story planned out and have finished the next few chapters, but want to be sure people are actually reading and enjoying it before I upload them. I'm trying to write this like a SW episode, so I would love your thoughts on who did it etc as the story progresses. And this will end up H/N, just give me a bit of time and it will all work out, I promise!**

**That's enough from me for now- please read and review and most importantly, enjoy!**

**Flossie xx**

_Dear Harry,_

_We've met before, hence the rather informal introduction. You might not remember me, but I assure you we have. Does Cape Town, 2011 ring any bells? I thought it might. _

_I'm sure you feel you've waited long enough for answers, so I'll get straight to the point: I have Miss Alexander, and have done for the last 6 years. And you'd be surprised how easy it was to brainwash her; I hardly had to try at all. She's a lot like her father really, the more I think about it. Easy to manipulate and rarely brave enough to even attempt to fight back. I could tell her the sky was purple and she'd believe me; I even wiped her own mother from her memory. Now she thinks the only person who has ever cared about her is me. It's a shame really, as we both know I'm hardly the most caring person on the planet. Not like you, but she won't remember you anymore, Harry Cunningham. She won't remember you at all, and we both know it only too well._

_You see, the point of this letter is that I'm getting bored of all this running, Harry Cunningham. It feels as if I've been doing nothing but running for the past 6 years: running from the British Police, the South African Police, the Hanoi Government Officials, the Iranian Government, the idiots in Chongjin whom I now know will never, ever understand the sacrifices I made for them… I could go on. I can tell she's starting to catch on now- Miss Alexander, I mean- and I know she's only going to put me in danger when she remembers who she is, and possibly expose the entire Con Chuồn Chuồn Society in the process, sending us all to our graves. I can't risk that, but that is not the main reason I'm ready to give Miss Alexander up. The main reason is that once she gets her sanity back, our friend will start to fully understand the places she's been to with me and the things I've allowed her to see and be a part of, and that could tear her apart. Even after all these years on the run, and all the trouble she has caused me, the fact remains that I love her, and that's why I have to let her go. Because when she starts to piece together the various elements of her life once more, both the good and the bad, she'll need the love and support of her family to help her through, and that's one thing I can't pretend to be. You might not believe it, but I can be pretty decent when I want to be, and so this is me, doing the decent thing and the thing that's best for you, for Nikki and for all of us._

_So I've decided to give Miss Alexander back, but if you thought I'd make it easy for you then you thought very, very wrong. I've always been fond of games, after all, so why should I stop now? I haven't got long left of this life, Harry, and I consider this my last swansong. If you want to bring Miss Alexander home to England, you're going to have to find her first, and don't think I'm going to hand her location to you on a silver platter. I will give you some advice though: when in doubt, go back to the beginning. Her beginning, a whole world away, in a land you and I could never understand. Do that, and you'll be well on your way towards achieving your goal. That's all I'm saying for now. _

_Did you and Professor Dalton ever work out how all this started, I wonder? Which came first, your involvement with the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society or your involvement with Joycelin Martha? Let me tell you a secret, Harry Cunningham, they were one and the same. The Con Chuồn Chuồn Society is something so secret and so deathly important that I very much doubt you have even heard of it many times before now, but remember this, you would not be alive today, reading this letter without its existence, I promise you that. And as for poor little Joycelin Martha, well, she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, a bit like our friend Nikki. But those two things are more connected than you realize. The day Joycelin Martha got dragged into our little battle, Harry Cunningham, was the day the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society was born, and the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society was originally established by Joycelin Martha's parents to protect her. They knew it was only a matter of time before she got caught up in our little war, Harry Cunningham. They just didn't realise that all this would happen so quickly. Shall I tell you a secret? When I look back and think of all the things I have done in the name of change, and I think of all the innocent people who died, I wonder how I manage to sleep at night. The truth is that I don't. Joycelin Martha was just one victim, there were thousands more. And that doesn't bear thinking about._

_There's just one more thing I want you to know, Harry Cunningham, and you probably won't believe it, but that doesn't matter too much. The thing is I'm not a bad person. Inside, I'm still a frightened child who got caught up in something gravely dangerous and has been frantically searching for a way out for the last 30 years. I thought I could restore peace to the world, and I thought I could have a life with Miss Alexander, but I was wrong. Everything went wrong. But throughout it all, the good and the bad, all I ever wanted was a friend, and that was exactly what I got. _

_And so, Harry Cunningham, when this is all over and the police ask you why this happened, why her and why now, tell them exactly what I'm telling you now. Give them this letter if you like, if that makes it easier. I want them to know that I was just a scared little child in need of someone to trust. And for the past 6 years, Miss Alexander was just that._

_Yours truly,_

_Bai of the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society_


	2. Strictly private diary of HCunningham

**Here's the next chapter, written in a very different style to the first. If you didn't understand the prologue, don't worry – you're not really supposed to yet! The prologue is just setting the story up for what is to come, and over the next few chapters you should start to understand more and more. Thank you MolliLough for her review, and thank you everyone who's read this so far… but please please please can you review this chapter? Just a line will do, and I accept anonymous reviews- I just want to know what you all think in case this is absolute rubbish! Please? **

_stayed in one place for too long, now I've gotta get on the run again,_

_I saw the one thing that I want, but lose your way and it's gone again,_

_I'm throwing rocks at your window, while you're tying the sheets together, _

_They say I'm dreaming too big, but I say this town's too small._

_Dream, send me a sign, turn back the clock, and give me some time,_

_I need to break out, and make a new name, so let's open our eyes to the brand new day._

_I've taken hits like a brawler, but I'm getting back up again,_

_Because I knew from the moment that I saw light, that I was blessed with heaven-sent,_

_Now I'm throwing rocks at your window, so we can leave this place together,_

_They say I'm flying too high, but we'll get used to looking up._

_Dream, send me a sign, turn back the clock, and give me some time,_

_I need to break out, and make a new name, so let's open our eyes to the brand new day._

_Brand new Day, Ryan Star_

**Monday 10th January 2011**

**6.30am**

It's too early. No really, it's far too early. No way am I getting up just yet.

**6.45am**

It's still far too early. Surely another 5 minutes won't hurt.

**7.18am**

Oh god, have stayed in bed for almost an extra hour, and am now in grave danger of being late for work for the 3rd time in as many weeks, and of having Leo on my case again. Better get going.

**7.33am**

On way to work now, having showered, changed and gulped down breakfast in record time. Just had phone call from Leo (only 3 minutes late at present, come on!) asking when I'll be in as Nikki has called in sick and he's up to his eyeballs in corpses already. Likely to be a complete over-exaggeration, but all the same, I have a funny feeling this is going to be a very, very long day. Especially without Nikki to laugh at my fantastically brilliant jokes.

**6.51pm**

I take it all back. Will never, ever, ever accuse Leo of over-exaggerating again as long as I live. It turns out there was a mass-murder at a shopping centre in East London during late night shopping last night (Leo only member of Lyle Centre team on call Sunday evenings). Outcome: 9 dead, including a family of 4 with 2 young children, 3 teenage girls and an elderly couple. Suspect: hooded figure dressed entirely in black, roughly 5"3, and last seen brandishing gun on CCTV. The police are trying their best, but it really is like looking for a needle in a bloody haystack. A very bloody haystack. Interesting/confusing twist: all 3 teenage girls and the elderly couple are of Eastern Asian origin, are yet to be identified, and all 5 have the same tattoo on their left forearm; an elaborate feathered bird which Leo thinks is a phoenix. Police think they belong to some kind of cult. Leo said has never heard of cult that would appeal to both OAPs and teenagers involving phoenix tattoos and possible enemies carrying guns but admits it is rather unlikely to be a coincidence. I'm with Leo on this one, but that may or may not have something to do with the fact have been working non-stop for over 11 hours and am desperate to get out of here ASAP.

**6.58pm**

Leo has finally agreed to let me go on 2 conditions: that I turn up at work on time tomorrow and that I visit Nikki on the way home. Agreed as was going to visit Nikki anyway, and have set alarm to full volume to avoid any accidental lie-ins in future. Will go over to Nikki's now via favourite Chinese restaurant on basis that best friend is terrible with food at the best of times, and even worse when ill. Am thinking of paying for cookery lessons for her as birthday present, but wonder if she might take offence. Consulted Leo on this matter, who said to stick to over-priced perfume and jewellery and elephant ornaments at all costs. Think he may be right.

**7.37pm**

On the way home. Stopped by Nikki's with Chinese takeaway as planned but she didn't answer the door, so let myself in with 'emergency' key behind ornament on stairs. Found best friend fast asleep face on spare bed, face down on the pillows and so far under the covers that it took me a moment to spot her. Am ashamed to admit had brief moment of panic and had to check pulse just to be sure she was alright, but eventually came to the conclusion that she was just feeling sick and sound asleep. Decided not to wake her but noticed she was shivering, so grabbed spare zebra-patterned blanket from top shelf of airing cupboard and wrapped it round her over duvet. Think she must have come down with something pretty bad, but don't want to wake her, so will come back to check on her on way to work tomorrow. Left Chinese in fridge in vain hope Nikki might feel up to eating later. Suspect will be consuming it myself sometime next week.

**10.29pm**

Am beginning to wonder whether should have woken Nikki and tried to get a sense of what's wrong with her; left her without a clue as to how ill she was, I mean, she was lying face down in bed and shivering, and all I did was check her bloody pulse! I'm supposed to be her best friend, for God's sake, I'm supposed to look out for her, and instead decided to leave her completely by herself when could be very ill and in need of some TLC, or even medical attention. Some best friend I am. At present am debating whether to go back to Nikki's, just to be sure she's OK. Think will go over there just to make sure. There's no harm in checking… right?

**10.33pm**

Have decided am just being stupid. Chances are Nikki just has bad cold or early stages of flu, and will be fine for tonight. Can go round to see her tomorrow before work as planned, and take her to see a doctor then if she's looking really bad. She'll be fine.

**10.57pm**

She'll be fine.

**If you want the next chapter, in which Harry visits Nikki, then please press the review button!**

**Florencia xx**


	3. When it Rains it Pours

**I wasn't expecting to update so quickly, but I'm starting to get really into this now! 3 chapters in 2 days! Only 3 reviews so far though **** Thank you to MolliLough, Tigpop and Chloe for reviewing so far, and please please please if you're reading this leave me a review to let me know what you think. It would really make my day!**

**This chapter is written in another different style, I'm kind of experimenting here for different effects at different parts of the story. If there's one particular style that you really like, then please let me know and I'll write some more in that style in the future. I have about another 4 chapters already typed up, and the sooner you R&R, the sooner you can have them! Enjoy **

_Beauty Queen of only 18, she had some trouble with herself,_

_He was always there to help her; she always belonged to someone else,_

_I drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door,_

_I've had you so many times but somehow I want more._

_I don't mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pouring rain,_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile, and ask her if she wants to stay a while,_

_And she will be loved. And she will be loved._

_Tap on my window; knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful,_

_I know I tend to get so insecure, but does it matter anymore?_

_It's not always rainbows and butterflies; it's compromise, it moves us along,_

_My heart is full and my door's always open, you can call any time you want._

_I don't mind spending every day, out on your corner in the pouring rain,_

_Look for the girl with the broken smile, and ask her if she wants to stay a while,_

_And she will be loved. And she will be loved._

_She will be loved, Maroon 5_

Harry awoke early the following morning, or at least, earlier that he had done the day before. He had promised himself that he would check on Nikki again, properly this time, before making his way to work, and so that was exactly what he was going to do.

Harry was changed and out of the door in record time (Leo would have been proud, had he known, however, Harry had no intention of telling the man he considered a second father that he had dragged himself out of bed on time for once out of anxiety over his best friend), and began the 10 minute drive to Nikki's flat en route to the Lyell Centre. He had debated calling her first to let her know he was coming over, but had eventually decided against that idea, knowing only too well that Nikki would try her utmost to make herself look as un-unwell as possible had he given her as much as a minute's warning of his visit, and he wanted to come to an accurate conclusion as to how ill she was, not as to how good she was at applying foundation at the last moment to make herself look more alert.

10 minutes later and Harry was silently turning the spare key in Nikki's front door, before pushing it open and tiptoeing inside. The inside of her flat was right down to the last detail the same as it had been the previous evening, which suggested that Nikki was still asleep, and had not left her bed since the night before. Harry assured himself that Nikki was rather unlikely to have gotten out of bed prior to 7 in the morning on a day off even if she was well, before making his way down the hallway and into the spare room, where he had found his best friend sleeping the previous evening. Nikki was still curled up under the covers, though this time her face was visible, painted with a far from peaceful expression. She looked on-edge somehow, as though she had been afraid to close her eyes and was expecting something to happen to her at any moment. But how could anything happen to her in the safety of her own home?

Gently, Harry reached a hand under the bedclothes and extracted Nikki's own hand, before squeezing it slightly in an attempt to wake her up. No response.

"Nikki," he whispered softly, shaking her shoulders. "Nikki?"

And suddenly her eyes snapped open, and she sprang across the bed away from him, shaking as she sat up slowly. The fear in her eyes was impossible to miss, though Harry could not believe it was directed at him. Nikki was just confused, disorientated; she had not yet registered who he was.

"Nikki?" he tried again, hoping she was on the verge of coming to her senses. "Nikki, it's me, it's Harry."

She seemed to snap out of her trance almost as quickly as she had entered it; suddenly the fear was gone from her eyes and was replaced by an empty, haunted look, along with a thin layer of sweat forming on the surface of her skin. "Harry?" she repeated, slowly and cautiously, yet with a hint of something else in her voice; relief. "Harry, I'm sorry, I…"

"That's OK," Harry smiled, hoping to reassure her. "How are you feeling? Leo said you called in sick yesterday, I just wanted to make sure you're alright."

"I'm fine!" Nikki responded quickly; too quickly, and fiddling with the duvet as she did so. "I'm fine, I just… I don't feel great."

Harry raised his eyebrows at her, sighing and knowing she was far from fine. "You're not feeling great but you're fine?" he queried. "Well that's just fantastic; I'll call Leo and tell him you're coming in after all shall I?"

And then, something rather unexpected happened. In the past, Harry and Nikki had joked with each other all the time and each of them had known that the other never really meant it. The banter and the jokes were all a part of their relationship, and, in situations such as the one Harry found himself in now, were a way of getting Nikki to smile, to admit what was on her mind. And so that was why he was completely horrified when, instead of laughing, or even smiling, given she looked like a ghost and clearly wasn't feeling well, his best friend glanced up at him for a moment, before looking back down at the duvet, and promptly bursting into tears.

"Nikki…" Harry paused, unsure as to how to respond. Normally he could read her like a book, but today, he couldn't seem to make any sense of her at all. There was something different about her, but he just couldn't put his finger on it. Perhaps it was just a combination of stress, illness and lack of sleep taking its toll on her that seemed to have left her so far from herself. He didn't know. In that moment, standing there in Nikki's spare bedroom watching her sob hysterically, Harry felt as if he didn't know anything anymore.

"Nikki, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," he tried, sitting down gingerly on the edge of the bed and reaching out for her hand, shocked at how cold it felt in his own. "Nikki? Nikki, look at me." She looked up at him slowly, flinching slightly as she did so, and Harry realised for the first time just how ill she must have been feeling. She was shaking- most likely with cold, Harry reasoned- she was pale, her eyes looked somewhat glassy and there were dark rings beneath them, as if she hadn't slept in days, despite her being dead asleep when Harry had entered the room. There was definitely something wrong with her.

"Nikki, what's wrong?" Harry tried again, smiling slightly at her in a bid to reassure her. "I want to help you, you know, but I can't if you won't tell me what's wrong."

"Everything aches," Nikki mumbled, pulling her legs up to her chest and resting her head on her knees, the bedclothes still pulled tightly around her. She was still crying, though her sobbing had faded to silent hiccups, and her shaking was not so violent.

Harry sighed, shuffling along the bed towards her and silently praying she didn't react violently again. He breathed out a sigh of relief when she failed to react, and draped an arm around her shoulders, while feeling her forehead with the other. He had expected her to feel hot, as the aching she was complaining of was most likely the beginning of flu, but instead she felt rather cold. He told himself it could still be flu, or something similar; she looked ill, but not seriously ill. She would most likely start burning up later.

"I think you're coming down with something," Harry told her gently, taking her hand again and squeezing it. "You just need to sleep it off and keep hydrated, I think." He noticed a half-drunk glass of water on the bedside table, but knew it was unlikely that she had eaten anything since she had first started feeling unwell.

"Nikki, have you eaten anything?" Harry asked concernedly, watching her face for a reaction.

Nikki groaned. "Harry, it's not even 7.30 yet, and I have no intention of going into work today, why on earth would I have eaten?"

"Well how about yesterday, when was the last time you ate anything?" Harry continued, sighing when he saw the look of guilt on her face. "Nikki, I know you're not feeling well, but you're just going to make yourself worse if you don't eat."

Nikki mumbled something in response, too quietly for Harry to hear.

"What was that, Nikki?" he asked gently, wanting her to know that he wasn't angry with her, just concerned.

"The last time I tried to eat I just brought to back up again," she repeated, slightly louder this time. "It was rather off-putting, really."

"I know, I know, but you have to keep trying, you can't get better if you don't eat," Harry replied firmly, squeezing her hand. "Will you try and eat something now, for me? Just some soup or something, you must have a tin of soup in the bottom of your cupboard. Shall I have a look?"

"OK," Nikki's reply was barely audible. Harry got up from the bed and made for the kitchen, stopping in the doorway to look back at his best friend, who was still huddled under the duvet. "You stay there. I'll be back in a minute, OK?"

He was just leaving the room when another thought occurred to him; something he had dismissed at first, but which seemed rather strange now he thought about it.

"Nikki?"

"Hmm?"

"How come you're in here, and not in your own room?"

"Oh." Nikki suddenly looked awkward, and seemed to shrink back against the wall as she pondered on Harry's question for a moment. "Well…I…I hadn't been feeling great, and I came in here tidying up and… and I just sat down for a moment and I guess I must have fallen asleep. I couldn't really see the point in moving."

"Oh, OK then. But listen… Nikki, you know you can tell me anything, right? You can tell me anything at all, honestly. I'm here to listen."

There was no response.

"OK. I'll just go and get your soup," Harry said quickly, before turning to leave the room, and heading towards the kitchen. He wasn't sure quite what to think. He knew Nikki well enough to know when she was lying, and now was definitely one of those occasions. But it didn't make sense. Why would Nikki have decided to sleep in the spare room rather than her own bedroom in the first place, and why would she feel the need to lie to him?

Curiously, Harry crossed to Nikki's bedroom on the way to her kitchen, and pushed open the door cautiously. Her bedroom looked just as it always did; the bed was made, there was a large pile of books and case files on the sofa under the window, and a scattering of cello music formed a black and white layer over the carpet. There was nothing to suggest her story wasn't true, and yet he still didn't believe her. Vowing to keep a close eye on his best friend for the time being, just to be on the safe side, and to try and get her to open up again later, Harry shut the door and headed for Nikki's kitchen, in order to begin a rummage through her cupboards. He couldn't force her to open up to him, he knew that, but he couldn't stand by knowing she was hurting, doing nothing about it. He sighed, pulling a tin of tomato soup out from the bottom cupboard and pouring it into a bowl. Tomorrow. She'd be better tomorrow. And if not, he'd persuade her to open up. Because without sounding too full of himself, he knew all too well that he was all she had. If she wouldn't tell him what had her so… on edge and not herself, then she would be telling no one. And that, Harry knew only too well, could rip her apart.

**Hope that was OK- please press the review button and let me know!**

**Flossiexx**


	4. 飛び鳳凰 The Phoenix in Flight

**OK, so I've just got home from a horribly hard 4 hour long gymnastics practise, and The 11****th**** doctor's mermaid Sam, gem.S, Tigpop and Chloe, your reviews have really cheered me up! Thank you for taking the time to R&R, and I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. Everyone else who has read this thank you too, please leave me a review when you have read this to let me know how you're finding it. A few words will do!**

**Enjoy!**

**飛び鳳凰**

**(The Phoenix in Flight)**

**Tuesday 11th January 2011**

"You're late. Again," Leo Dalton pointed out to his younger colleague, as Harry Cunningham finally arrived at the Lyell Centre no less than 22 minutes late. For someone who had promised just over 12 hours ago to be at work on time that morning, it wasn't the best of starts.

"I know, I'm sorry," Harry informed him, glancing at the floor guiltily. "I was just-"

"Checking on Nikki, I guessed", Leo finished for him. "How is she?"

Harry paused, frowning slightly. "To be honest, I'm not too sure. I mean, she's ill, there's no question of that- I think she's got the flu- but she seems… I don't know. She seems different. Upset. I tried to get her to talk to me, but she just shut me out."

"She's probably just feeling pretty under the weather, Harry, I wouldn't dwell on it," Leo reasoned, looking back down at the case file that lay open on his desk. It was one of the files from the day before; the mass shooting at the London shopping centre.

"No, it's not just that," Harry insisted, battling with the case file for Leo's attention. "I've seen her ill before, but I've never seen her like this. I made a joke with her last night- and not a bad one Leo, I swear, I knew she wasn't feeling well- and she burst into tears! How many times have you seen Nikki cry that easily? I'm telling you Leo, there's something not right with her, and it's not just the flu." He stopped for a moment, then thought of something.

"Leo? What did Nikki say yesterday when she phoned in sick?"

"What is this, the Spanish Inquisition Harry?" Leo laughed, rolling his eyes at his younger colleague. He was more than aware of the closeness of Harry and Nikki's relationship, and knew how concerned Harry must be about his friend. As much as he tried to deny it, even to himself, he hadn't failed to notice that Nikki had sounded strange on the phone.

"No, seriously Leo. How did she sound? I'm just… I'm just worried there's something she's not telling us."

Leo bit his lip, knowing that telling Harry that he was worried about their friend too would just do more harm than good; at this point in time, anyway.

"All she said was that she'd come down with something nasty, and she was going to take a few days off. She didn't sound great on the phone, but I put that down to her being ill. There was nothing in that conversation to suggest anything else Harry, honestly."

Having said this, he glanced over at his younger colleague. Harry still didn't look too convinced, and Leo knew all too well that Harry's concentration levels would be non-existent if his mind was on Nikki all day. An idea entered his mind.

"Harry, if you're really that worried about Nikki, why don't you stop by and visit her in your lunch break? I'll even give you an extra half-hour if you want."

Harry smiled. "Thanks, but I can see there's a scary amount of work to be done here, I can hardly leave you alone with it over lunch, can I? And besides, I told Nikki I'd drop in on my way home tonight. I tried to get her to take some soup this morning, but she just brought it back up again, so I've told her I'm taking her to the doctor if she still can't eat anything this evening."

Leo nodded. "I'm sure she'll be fine. Just keep checking on her, won't you? You know what she's like."

Harry nodded, and leaned over to read the open file on Leo's desk, still worried about his best friend, but eager to make some progress on the Lyell Centre's latest case.

It had been more than 24 hours since the shooting, and yet the police hadn't the slightest clue as to who the gunman might be, and still only 4 of the 9 victims had been identified: the family with the young children. The parents had been identified by a family friend as Paul and Alison Greenfield- a British couple in their early 40s who had adopted their 2 children, Isabella aged 6 and Oliver aged 2, from Vietnam as siblings the previous year. Leo felt that the fact the Greenfield's children were originally from the same part of the world as the other 5 victims had to be more than a coincidence, and that either they or their parents knew the other victims and about their cult, but so far there was nothing to prove his theory. It had been almost impossible to tell from the CCTV footage of the incident to tell who had been shot first, but it was most likely to have been the Greenfields, which could mean one of many things. It seemed as if every detective working on the case had a different theory, but no one had anything solid on which to base their interpretation of events. The whole thing was a complete and utter mess.

"It's a complete mystery, this case," Leo sighed, beckoning Harry over as he opened the elderly couple's post mortem records, which had proven their numerous gunshot wounds to be the cause of death. "Take these two, for instance. We've estimated them to be in their mid-70s from the PM, and we've also determined that they each lived a number of years of their life in poverty; there were a number of disfigurements to their bones that could only be explained by malnutrition in their younger years. They were found with a shopping bag containing a number of children's toys. The police thought perhaps they were supposed to be meeting the Greenfields, and that the toys were intended for Isabella and Oliver, but I showed a picture of the couple to Alison Greenfield's mother when she arrived yesterday, and she's never seen them before; neither has Alison's father, either of Paul Greenfield's parents, or the family friend who first identified the family. There are no pictures of them in the Greenfields's house either, the police have checked, so we thought perhaps it was just a coincidence, until my discovery this morning."

"Why? What did you find?" asked Harry curiously. Leo led him out of his office and down into the cutting room, where the bodies of Isabella and Oliver Greenfield were still laid out on the slabs. Harry grimaced; cases involving children were hard to handle, even for the most senior of pathologists.

"You remember how the bodies of the 5 unidentified victims all had the same tattoo on their left forearm?" Leo asked.

Harry nodded. "The bird flying out of a fire. You thought it was a phoenix. The police were convinced it was some kind of cult gone bad."

Leo gestured to the heads of the corpses on the slabs, and Harry noticed for the first time that a section of each child's hair had been shaved off, beside their left ear.

"Zak thought he saw something underneath Isabella's hair as he was putting her on the slab," Leo continued, as Harry pulled on a pair of gloves. "We shaved off the hair to investigate, and… well, see for yourself."

Harry bent down between the 2 slabs and peered over Isabella Greenfield's body, examining the patch of bare skin on her head. "No," he breathed silently, standing up and examining the other child, Oliver Greenfield. "That's… that can't be a coincidence, can it?" He simply stood there and stared for a moment, unable to take it in. Yesterday, he, Leo and the police had assumed that the 5 people with the tattoos had been linked somehow, that the gunman had been aiming for them, and had assumed that either the Greenfield family had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, or maybe had known the other victims from some kind of community group, but had not known about the mysterious phoenix cult. But now it was beginning to look like that was not the case. Because there, on the lifeless bodies of Isabella and Oliver Greenfield, tattooed beneath their hairline out of sight, was an all-too-familiar image. A tattoo of black and white phoenix, wings outstretched, flying free from a cloud of angry flames. And suddenly Harry knew that no matter how bad yesterday had been, today was only going to get worse.

**Hope you liked : ) I have the 2 chapters more or less finished, and chapter 4 is picking up on the storyline of a new character who doesn't feature in the SW series, but who is going to be quite important in the phoenix case Harry and Leo are looking into. I do understand though that ultimately you guys want to be reading about Harry and Nikki… so to make up for it, I PROMISE to upload another Harry/Nikki chapter at the same time, so you can read the other character's chapter (don't worry, I think you'll like her) and then you can get your dose of Harry/Nikki action. Sound OK? And I am currently working on another edition to Harry's diary : ) Let me know what you think, and I'll get the next 2 chapters up for you ASAP. **

**Virtual hugs to anyone who leaves me a review, Florencia xx**


	5. Luo ye gui gen

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**OK guys, here's the next chapter. It was going to be up earlier, but my Chinese dance class overran and I missed the train home : ( This is the chapter I was telling you about, told from the point of view of a completely new character, and I've tried to keep it as concise as possible because I know you all want to get back to Harry and Nikki! This is pretty essential to Harry and Leo's current case though, even though it probably won't make much sense now, so it does need to be read, but I am uploading the next chapter with this as promised. That means you can read this and get really confused, and then get your next Harry/Nikki chapter, in which Nikki has a bit of a breakdown : ( The title of this chapter, Luo ye Gui Gen, is Mandarin Chinese, and means 'falling leaves return to their roots'.**

**Thank you so much Chloe, Timelove, Tigpop, gem.S gevaudan and name-me for your awesome reviews- so glad you're enjoying it! Please keep reviewing, and if you haven't done so yet, it's not too late to start!**

**One last thing, in case you want to put a name to this new character, she's called Hong-hanh, which is pronounced 'Honng-harn-h'. It's a Vietnamese name which means Pink apricot blossom, and it's also my middle name : )**

**Hope you like! Florencia xx **

_I wish I knew how it would feel to be free,_

_I wish I could break all the chains holding me,_

_I wish I could say all the things that I have to say,_

_Say them loud, say them clear, for the whole wide world to hear._

_I wish I knew how (it would feel to be free) the Lighthouse Family_

**Year of the Rooster**

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please return to your seats, we are now landing at our final destination, Cape Town, South Africa. Thank you for travelling with Vietnam Airlines, we hope you enjoy your trip."

The sound of the air hostess's voice over the intercom pulls me out of my daydream, and I abandon my drawing pad in favour of peering out of the window, anxious to catch my first glimpse of South Africa, or at least my first glimpse since I was 3 years old. To say I don't remember much about it would be the understatement of the century; I remember absolutely nothing, in fact, I remember hardly anything about my life before I came to Saigon. It's all a blur, a mystery, half-formed images sticking in my mind but no clarity, no certainty.

The place I look down upon from the airplane window is nothing like anything I have ever seen before. Saigon, or Ho Chi Minh City, the place where I have spent the vast majority of the last 3 years, is mostly a concrete jungle with a bit of rainforest thrown in around the edges, just to remind people that the concrete is not Vietnam's natural state. Cape Town, however, is very different. From the sky, it looks like an island; a beautiful, emerald-green island in the middle of a deep blue ocean. There are a number of dark green mountains towards the centre of the island, blocking the view of mainland South Africa that I know stretches out behind it. A maze of white and grey shapes resembling buildings and roads are clustered around the base of the mountains, and there is not a raincloud in sight. Perfect.

At this point, my frantic taking-in of my first view of Cape Town is rather rudely interrupted by the shuddering of the airplane as it begins its decent. I love travelling- don't get me wrong- but I can't stand flying, especially taking off and landing. I grit my teeth and curl up in my seat, waiting for the bump as the plane hits the ground, which doesn't seem to be coming. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the seat, holding my breath, ever-so-slightly afraid.

I follow my dad off the plane and into the airport when at last we land, with him grasping my hand the whole way; partly because of the crowd of people surrounding us, and partly because he will never, ever let go of my hand whilst out in public. I tell myself it's just because he's over-protective, but sometimes I wonder if there's more to it than that. I rarely allow myself to think about that though; I think I'd pretty much go crazy if I did.

Cape Town Airport from the inside doesn't really look that different from the interior of Saigon Airport, or Hiroshima Airport, or Taiwan Airport, or any of the other airports I have found myself in over the years, despite all the other places I remember being in an entirely different continent. There's a part of me that was hoping arriving at the airport would trigger something in my mind and I'd remember a few things from last time I was here, but so far nothing has come to me, and the airport looks just the same as any other. I still can't remember my mum.

Dad and I work our way through customs and baggage collection, and haul our suitcases out to the front of the airport. We're here to stay, not just passing through, so we've got pretty much everything we own with us. The idea of not going back to Saigon bothers me slightly, but at the same time, it's pretty exciting. South Africa is a whole new country on a whole new continent, just waiting for me to explore it. Even though I'm not sure how often Dad and I will be going out- it depends on how much work he has- I'll still get to soak up a whole new culture, experience a completely different climate, and hopefully make some new friends. I might be apprehensive about leaving everything I know behind, but I can't deny that it's going to be an adventure living out here; an adventure that I can't wait to start.

Once Dad and I step out of the airport and into the car park outside, it becomes clear that unlike its airport, Cape Town is rather different to anywhere else I have been before in my life. I realise in the taxi queue that everyone drives on the left here- but I'm used to that, from all the times I've been with Dad to visit his family in Hiroshima. One thing that I'm not used to is the intensity of the heat. Saigon is extremely hot at the best of times, but it is also largely jungle, and so there is plenty of rain all year round to take the edge of the heat. South Africa, however, is an incredibly dry country, being made up mostly of dessert terrain, and so the heat is only intensified by the lack of moisture in the air. It's slightly uncomfortable at first, but I know I'll get used to it. After all, I must have been used to it before.

We reach the front of the taxi queue, and Dad piles our bags into the back, whilst I clamber onto the back seat and roll down the window, hoping for a cool breeze once the vehicle begins to move. Dad gives the taxi man an address, which I know to be that of an old friend of his, and we speed off out of the airport car park, into the heart of Cape Town.

I don't know much about the friend of Dad's whom we're going to stay with. I know Dad met him years ago somewhere in England, long before I was born, and that it was he who took my dad out to South Africa for the first time. My dad tells me I've met the friend before, just before we left for Saigon, but I don't remember a thing about it. Apparently it was he who bought me my first violin- a 1/8 sized model which I used until I was about 4 1/2 years old, but again, I don't remember a thing about it. I remember the violin clearly: the coarse feel of the strings under my fingers, the smoothness of the wood and the way I was taught by Dad to glide the bow along the strings, my left hand shaking against the fingerboard in a vibrato… I can remember everything about that violin, except for the man who gave it to me. To me, Victor Alexander remains a mystery; a mystery waiting to be unlocked.

**Really confused? Don't worry that's kind of the point at this stage! As the story progresses I'll suggest moments when you might like to reread these confusing chapters, because they'll be starting to make sense then!**

**Now proceed to the next chapter! **


	6. Hopelessness

**Here's the next chapter guys. Enjoy and don't forget to review, it would really make my day!**

**Flossxx**

_She was lost, in so many different ways,_

_Out in the darkness with no guide._

_Ave Maria extract, Beyoncé_

The pain just didn't seem to stop. Nikki had expected it to be bad, especially once she had realized what she was caught up in, but she had never imagined it feeling like this. She had always thought of herself as an emotionally strong person- throughout her adult life, at least- but now she seemed to be slowly and steadily falling to pieces, and she was powerless to stop it.

She tried to tell herself that it wasn't her fault, but the knot of guilt wrapping itself tightly around her heart was overwhelming. Nikki knew from watching the news that morning that if she hadn't thrown Bai out of her flat that night, things would have turned out very differently. She realized that she must have known what he was planning on doing, or else she wouldn't recall it now, but at the time the drugs in her system had taken over, and the world had made no sense. It was as if she had been in some kind of trance the entire time Bai had been in her flat. She remembered meeting him in a bar across town; she remembered taking him home with her and… and sitting talking on the sofa together at first, talking. It wasn't that late, she could recall, 7ish maybe, and he had sat there in the corner by the fireplace, telling her about his work, about what he did, and about what he believed in, and Nikki remembered thinking to herself that this was not the sort of person she wanted under her roof. After that, though, her mind went blank, except for the one thing that she really, really didn't want to remember.

It was as if the things Bai had told Nikki were locked away somewhere inside her head, and she couldn't find the key. She was able to peer through the keyhole and get a basic grasp of what lay on the other side, but she couldn't put the pieces of the jigsaw together. She thought maybe she should go to the police, but she didn't have enough of a story- just a few vague memories- and she'd be laughed out of the building. And besides, Nikki remembered what he had said before he left. If she ever told anybody the little she remembered about Sunday night, then Bai had promised to hunt her down and kill her, slowly and painfully. And now, for the first time in years, Nikki Alexander was well and truly scared.

She hadn't felt so lost and alone since the death of her mother, and suddenly the only thing Nikki wanted in the world was for her to come and comfort her. When Nikki was a child, before the days of the illness that had torn them apart, her mother would wrap her arms tightly around her when her dad was having a bad day, and lead her away, down to the bottom of the garden. The two of them would sit for hours together by the pond, out of sight, shimmering turquoise dragonflies hovering over the clear blue water. They'd stay out there for hours sometimes, watching. Hoping. Praying.

When Nikki had first lost her mother, she had gone through a phase of feeling guilty that her mum had been the one to die, and thinking that she should have left this life instead. She had tried to talk to her dad about it, but… well, he was the just same as he always was. She wasn't sure if Victor Alexander had even noticed she existed after her mother's death. She had been a teenager in a strange country crying out for help, but none ever came, and she had to cope alone. Most of the time she could deal with it, by pushing the feelings of guilt at being alive so far to the back of her mind that she almost forgot they were there, but not today. She couldn't cope with it today, not on top of everything else.

'Pull yourself together, Nikki,' she told herself, as firmly as she could manage. She knew from past experience that dwelling on things can only ever make them worse. No. She had to find herself something to do, something to stop her mind wondering back to the events of the previous evening. She knew she couldn't go on like this, reliving it a thousand times over in her head. She had to try and act normal, for Harry and Leo's sake if nothing else. She didn't want them dragged into this.

She decided to play her cello for a while; the concentration required was more than likely to keep her preoccupied for an hour or two. It took her a minute to spot the flaw in that plan: her cello was in her bedroom and try as she might, she couldn't make herself push open the door.

'Stop it, Nikki', said the voice in her head, the voice of reason. 'He's gone, he can't hurt you now. There's no reason to be afraid.'

She desperately wanted to listen to her head, but her heart was telling a different story altogether.

'Don't go in there,' her heart was screaming. 'Don't open that door. All the time it stays shut, you don't have to face what happened in that room. You open that door, and everything comes flooding out, and you're not ready to deal with it yet. Do you hear me, Nikki? Don't open that door!'

The inner battle was too much for Nikki to bear, and before she knew it she was sinking to the floor, dissolving into tears for the 2nd time that morning. She couldn't live like this. She just wanted someone to come and take the pain away, erase the traumatic memories and make everything better, but she knew that nobody in the world could do that for her. She was going to have to find a way to cope, and to put on a brave face to the world before Harry and Leo realized what was wrong. Maybe it would help to get dressed, maybe that would give her sense of normality. Yes, that was what she was going to do. She was going to change out of her pyjamas, and start pretending that none of this had ever happened.

But she found herself met with the same obstacle as before: the round silver handle that stood between her and her bedroom. She couldn't push it open, not for the world, and that made her sob even harder.

'Call Harry,' Nikki's heart told her, crying out in desperation. 'Call Harry, he's the only person who can help you now. You need him, you know. He can help. You don't have to be so bloody stubborn all the time, let him help you. Call Harry.'

In the end, Nikki decided that calling Harry was probably the best thing to do. As much as she hated to admit defeat, she knew she was falling to pieces and she needed someone to talk to. She didn't have to tell him what was wrong, after all, she'd come up with some excuse. Anything to see Harry.

Shaking, Nikki rose slowly to her feet and made her way to the kitchen, pulling her mobile from the charger. Her hands were trembling as she made the call, even though she knew it was all over now, that nothing else could happen to her. But she wasn't going crazy, she told herself. Not really. She just needed some company, and Harry would come to save her. Harry would save her.

'Hi, you've reached Harry Cunningham,' said the answerphone, and suddenly the hope that had been holding Nikki together over the past few minutes faded into despair. 'I can't take your call right now, so please leave a message and I'll get back to you later.'

Nikki threw the phone across the room in frustration and curled up in a ball beside the door, breaking into hysterics once again. Everyone let her down in the end, everyone, especially when she needed them most. She knew Harry would call her back when he could, but that did nothing to ease the overwhelming sense of panic that was taking over her now.

"Harry," she whispered softly, as she felt the world fading away. "Harry, help me please. Make it stop."


	7. The Devil's Trill

**Chapter 6 already- can you believe it? Thank you Chloe, timelove, gem.S, Lizziginne, gevaudan and Tigpop for your reviews; they really encourage me to write more and I'm so glad you like it! Please keep reviewing! We're going back to the phoenix puzzle in this chapter, and hopefully things should start to make a bit of sense from here on in. Don't worry if you're still completely confused though, I'm trying to keep you in suspense for a bit longer, and you'll start to understand what's going on soon :) If you have a theory so far I would love to hear it to see how good I am at keeping it a mystery- just drop me a review or PM me. Don't think I'm giving anything away though ;) **

**The title of this chapter comes from a piece of music by the violinist Vanessa-Mae, which I think fits the mood of the chapter quite well. There's no need to listen to the track if you don't want to- I know classical-style music isn't everyone's thing and the music bears no real relevance to the plot- but it's very contemporary classical and I thought some of you might be interested? If you are, there's a youtube address in my profile. Enjoy xx**

"We need to get in touch with the adoption agency that brought Isabella and Oliver Greenfield to the UK," Leo told the police when they finally arrived at the Lyell Centre. "They can help us to contact the orphanage they were living at in Vietnam, and they might be able to assist us further."

Harry was sat at his desk at the other end of the office, researching phoenixes on the internet. He knew there was little chance of him finding a website all about a cult using a phoenix as their symbol, but there was a good chance that if a cult or some other kind of group was involved, then they had chosen a phoenix as their symbol for a reason; because it meant something to them and represented what they stood for. His comb of the internet had revealed that there were several different versions of the phoenix scattered throughout history right across the world, including many from oriental Asia, which would make sense given the ethnic origin of all 7 of the victims tattooed with the phoenix symbol. He had discovered that in western society, a phoenix tattoo had many meanings, most of them dating back to the Bible. According to Jewish mythology, the phoenix was the only living creature to remain living inside the Garden of Eden, as it had no part in the picking of the forbidden fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, and so it had never lost its longevity. Certain groups of Christians took this belief further, and considered the phoenix a symbol of Christ's resurrection, as it was said to burst into flames upon death and be reborn from its own ashes. However, Harry knew Vietnam to be largely a Buddhist country, and so decided that this information wasn't particularly relevant.

The Chinese version of the phoenix, which Harry thought was much more likely to be the version used by the victims of the shooting, was an incredibly important part of Chinese society, was regarded as the second most important animal after the dragon, and symbolized balance between ying and yang, virtue and grace. According to several websites about Chinese mythology, it was also commonly thought to represent a rise above despair, which could mean any number of things in terms of its significance in this particular case. Harry had also looked up images of various different portrayals of phoenixes, and had come to the conclusion that the phoenix tattoo found on the shopping centre shoot-out victims was based on Edo-period Japanese artwork. And yet the Greenfield's family and friends were positive that Isabella and Oliver had been adopted from Vietnam, not Japan. Assuming they were dealing with a Japanese cult, how could two Vietnamese children have ended up branded with their symbol?

"Found anything helpful yet?" Leo asked, peering over Harry's shoulder. Sighing, Harry lent back in his chair, and shook his head.

"I've been researching various different types of phoenixes, and I'm pretty sure the one tattooed on our victims is based on designs from the Japanese Edo period, whenever that was, but other than that I've hardly found anything useful. As much as I would love to find a website all about underground Japanese cults using a phoenix as their symbol, I don't think there's much chance of that happening, do you?"

Leo groaned, rolling his eyes. "Well, I never really expected that, Harry. If murders were really that easy to solve, we'd be out of a job, don't you think?"

"Hmm." Harry was staring blankly at the computer screen, despite the fact that the screensaver had just come on, and instead of his page of phoenix research, the screen was now taken up with an image of a large, bubble-filled fish tank, in which half a dozen brightly coloured and surprisingly realistic fish were swimming around aimlessly. Leo had to smile.

"Professor Dalton?"

Leo turned around and saw DCI William Page, the policeman assigned to the shopping centre shooting case, standing in the doorway. DCI Page was a tall, heavily-built man, perhaps in his early 40s, and Leo hadn't yet decided whether he liked him. He seemed rather cocky, but Leo was trying to convince himself that he had only known the man for a couple of days, and he might turn out to be perfectly pleasant by the time the two of them parted ways.

"I've just heard from my colleague who's been in contact with New Beginnings- that's Isabella and Oliver's adoption agency. Anyway, they've sent through the adoption file, and there are a few details I'd like to discuss with you."

Harry suddenly noticed that Leo had gone rather pale.

"Sorry," Leo said slowly, with an impossibly blank expression on his face. "Did you say 'New Beginnings?"

DCI Page looked almost as surprised as Harry did. "Yes. You've heard of it?"

"Oh, just in passing," Leo replied idly, staring at the floor as he did so, so he couldn't see the strange look Harry was giving him. "Anyway, what did you find out from the adoption agency?"

The three men each took a seat at the conference table at the far end of the office, and DCI Page placed a large, blue police file on the table, flicking through its contents as he began to talk. Just as he began, Harry became aware of his mobile vibrating in his pocket, and pulled it out subtly under the table, flipping open the screen to reveal the words 'Nikki calling'. He sighed, knowing that however much he wanted to answer the phone and check she was OK, Leo would not take kindly to him walking out of their meeting with DCI Page. Telling himself Nikki could hang on until the end of the meeting, Harry turned off his mobile and slipped it back into his pocket, as the policeman began to talk.

"So you will remember we established yesterday that Alison and Paul Greenfield adopted their two children, Isabella aged 6 and Oliver aged 2, from a Vietnamese orphanage early last year. We've since been in contact with their former orphanage in Southern Vietnam, and we've been able to gain a better idea of what their life was like there.

"Most Vietnamese orphans are left on orphanage doorsteps ass babies, often by their parents because they can no longer afford to look after them. Vietnam is relatively poor as a nation, down to both years of occupation by China, Japan and France and the Vietnam War, and parents often struggle to raise their children. In Vietnam it is highly frowned upon to continue looking after your children yourself when you can barely make ends meet and the children suffer as a result; it's often considered selfish and even sinful, so many parents choose to leave their children on orphanage doorsteps, believing they will be better looked after there, and will eventually be adopted by rich and loving families, either in Vietnam or abroad. What they don't realise is that the orphanages are severely overcrowded, and their children have a rather slim chance of being adopted by anybody.

"Isabella and Oliver Greenfield- or Nguyen Thi Lan and Nguyen Dai Luc as they were known then- were a rather unusual case from the start, because they were much older than most orphans when they were found on the doorstep of their orphanage; it was the same year as that of their adoption."

"Isn't that quite unusual?" Leo asked, ignoring the strange looks he was now getting from Harry. "I mean, not that I know much about it, but I thought most orphans spend years in orphanages before they get adopted?"

"That is the norm, yes," DCI Page replied, "But we've spoken to those who knew the Greenfields and from what we can tell, Isabella and Oliver simply got very lucky. No- the strange part of all this is what the orphanage told us about Isabella and Oliver when they first arrived. They said that when they were found on the doorstep, neither one of them understood a word of Vietnamese. They didn't think that was too strange at first, as sometimes children from neighbouring countries can be abandoned in Vietnam, but they tried speaking to them in all the other local languages too: Lao, Thai, Mandarin, Cambodian, French, English, Tagalog, Javanese… they didn't understand a thing. Eventually they learned to speak Vietnamese, but even then they couldn't answer questions about where they came from, and Isabella would never talk about it. We've spoken to Alison and Paul's parents, and apparently they realized shortly after the adoption that Isabella had difficulties trusting people, adults especially. Her parents sent her to a counsellor for a while, shortly after she arrived in England, but they never got her to talk about her life before the orphanage."

"And your point is?" Harry asked, getting slightly agitated. He knew from past experience that losing patience with a police officer was not the best plan, but his mind was wondering back to Nikki's phone call. What if she had taken a turn for the worse, for once in her life had admitted to herself that she needed to see a doctor, and had phoned him for help? And he had turned off his phone without even speaking to her, so would now have to endure the whole meeting with DCI Page in a blind panic.

"Harry…" Leo said warningly, using a tone similar to that Harry's parents had used with him when he was a child, and Harry knew not to push him any further.

"Sorry," he apologized quickly to DCI Page. "Carry on."

"You're right, at face value that doesn't tell us much at all," DCI Page agreed. "But the things we can interpret amount to quite a lot. We've checked with several different Vietnamese orphanages, and none of them had ever come across an abandoned older child who didn't speak any of the main south-east Asian languages, and yet who looked oriental. So we could infer that, given the presence of the tattoos on the Greenfield children's bodies, perhaps they were involved with some kind of cult, born into it, most likely, and someone decided to get them out of it before it was too late. Evidently that plan backfired, but the point is the children are almost certainly a part of this investigation. Which means that we now have 7 victims out of 9 involved in the same cult, and not a clue about why they were murdered."

"So what's the next step?" Leo asked, deep in thought.

"We've started some enquiries, but at the moment we haven't got anything solid," reported the policeman. "We just need you two to be on standby; ready to help out as soon as we know what we're dealing with. I'll let you know when we find something," he added, before being shown out of the building by Zak.

After DCI Page had left, Harry found himself unable to contain his worry after all, and, hoping that Leo would want to be left alone for a while to ponder on the case, decided to seize the moment.

"Leo?"

"Hmm?" Leo barely looked up from the case file he was examining; one of the teenagers' this time.

"Would it be alright for me to just go and visit Nikki? I'll be back soon, I promise; I wouldn't have asked but she tried to call me whilst we were talking to DCI Page, and I just want to check she's alright…"

Leo finally looked up from the mountain of papers of his desk, rolling his eyes and smiling slightly.

"Go on then, just this once," he instructed the younger pathologist, and smiling for real when he realized that Harry was already out the door. It was obvious that Harry had feelings for his friend; even best friends didn't ever worry that much about each other. When those two would finally see sense, he would never know.

**Hope you liked : ) Please review and the next chapter will be up soon, but it will be quicker the more reviews this gets! Florencia xx**


	8. Catch her as she Falls

**It's a slightly longer one this time guys and lots of H/N : ) Thank you to gem.S, Tigpop, gedauvan and lizziginne for your lovely reviews of the last chap, please keep them coming! However, not as many reviews for the last one guys :'( Please keep reviewing, I love to know all the hard work is appreciated, and how will I know you want more chapters if you don't review? I know lots of people are reading this because of the visitor stats, so please please please, can you drop me just a short review after this chapter? A couple of words will do, it won't take long, I just want to be sure you're enjoying this! I think I'm going to have to come up with some kind of reward system for those who review a certain number of chapters- watch this space!**

_You walk with me, footprints in the sand,_

_And I'll help you understand where you're going,_

_You walk with me, when you're feeling all alone,_

_With so much that I know along the way._

_I promise you, I'm always there,_

_When your heart is filled with sadness and despair,_

_And I'll carry you when you need a friend,_

_You'll find my footprints in the sand._

_I've seen our lives flash across the sky,_

_And so many times have I been so afraid,_

_And just when you think that you've lost your way,_

_I'll help you find the strength to carry on._

_I promise you, I'm always there,_

_When your heart is filled with sadness and despair,_

_And I'll carry you when you need a friend,_

_You'll find my footprints in the sand._

_Footprints in the Sand, Leona Lewis_

"Nikki?" Harry called through her letterbox, waiting to see if she was going to come to the door. After he had left the Lyell Centre, he had tried calling her on both her mobile and her landline, but his best friend just wasn't answering. "Nikki, are you there? It's me Harry. I'm sorry, I couldn't pick up when you called me earlier, I was meeting with the police. Are you going to let me in? Please?" When she failed to open the door, he glanced over his shoulder to check that he was the only person currently standing in the lobby of her apartment building, then grabbed the spare key once more and let himself into her flat, more than slightly concerned about what he would find.

Harry checked the spare bedroom first, thinking that Nikki would most likely still be in there, but when he poked his head around the door, he found the bed neatly made and spread with a series of old photo albums, all open to a particular page. Harry's curiosity got the better of him, and he soon found himself peering at the photographs, wondering why Nikki had felt the need to get them all out when she was clearly feeling unwell. A quick examine of the photos gave him a vague idea.

The photographs on the open pages of the albums seemed to be from various different times during Nikki's childhood, but they all had one thing in common; all of them featured both Nikki and a woman, a slim, blonde woman who Harry guessed was his best friend's mother. The resemblance between the now-grown-up Nikki and her mother was uncanny; in fact, the pair of them were almost identical. The same long, curly blonde hair, the same face shape, the same slim build and almost the same smile; the only difference was the colour of their eyes, and Nikki's mother's stood out clearly, even in the slightly grainy photographs. Where Nikki's eyes were a deep shade of chocolate brown, her mother's were ocean blue, dark and striking with a slight green tinge to them. In this particular photo, the one Harry was looking at now, a much younger version of Nikki, maybe 6 or 7 years old, was sitting on her mother's lap on a park bench, grinning at the camera, and Harry smiled; she looked so carefree and happy. 'Celin and Nicola, April 1982', read the caption below the photograph. It was a strange spelling of 'Celine'- no 'e' on the end. Maybe it was a South African thing?

It was the first time he had ever seen a photograph of Nikki's mother, Harry realized, despite him having shown her pictures of his dead father several times in the past. It occurred to him that perhaps she didn't want him to see, for whatever reason. Wanting to respect Nikki's privacy, he stepped away from the photo albums and out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

"Nikki?" he called again while peering down the hallway. "Nikki, where are you?"

No response.

He reached the kitchen next, and attempted to push open the door, only to be met with something solid stopping it from opening. Panic started to build in his heart.

"Nikki?" he asked again softly, reaching slowly behind the door and catching his hand on what felt like a shoulder. Gently, Harry eased open the door, aware that he would be pushing her across the floor as he did so. Finally the door was open enough for him to step inside the room, and he slipped behind it, crouching down on the floor.

Nikki was, as he had suspected, slumped against the kitchen door, either asleep or unconscious. Harry's heart skipped a beat for a moment, and he found himself crouching down on the floor beside her, his fingers moving to her neck as he checked her pulse. It was fairly normal, if not slightly too high, which suggested she was just asleep and still feeling ill, rather than out cold. She had just driven herself to the point of exhaustion; her energy levels were likely to be at rock bottom. With that established, he decided to try and wake her up.

"Nikki?" he whispered softly, grabbing her hands and squeezing them slightly. "Nikki, wake up."

Her best friend reacted in a similar way to that morning to being woken up: her body tensed and jerked back into the door, her eyes shot open and her breathing became heavy and irregular. Harry tried to convince himself that she was just feeling vulnerable, aware that she wasn't expecting any visitors and that were it somebody unwanted, she wouldn't have the strength to fight them off. It was hard though, trying to convince himself that there wasn't something badly wrong, because the more time he was spending with her, the more signs he saw that suggested she was suffering from something in addition to the flu. Some kind of fear, of something, or someone.

"Nikki, it's alright, it's me," Harry reassured her, loosening his grip on her hands slightly; worried he might be freaking her out. "It's OK, Nikki, come on."

Her eyes had been squeezed tightly shut, but now they began to flutter open as Nikki realized where she was. She blinked a few times, then glanced at Harry and noticeably relaxed. "Harry, I'm sorry, I…"

"Nikki, it's fine, you've got nothing to apologise for," Harry soothed, brushing a curtain of messy blonde curls away from her face. "How are you feeling? I'm sorry I couldn't answer your call earlier, but Leo and I were stuck in a meeting with the police about a new case. Are you feeling worse?"

"No, I'm fine, I just-"Nikki cut off abruptly, shrugging her shoulders and sighing softly. "I'm fine. Really, I'm sorry I called you, I'm fine."

"And you just wanted someone to talk to?" Harry guessed, smiling when she nodded slightly, and the essence of a grin appeared on her face. "See, I know you all too well, Dr Alexander." With that, he scooted over to sit beside her against the kitchen door, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "Come on then. What did you want to talk to me about?"

His best friend shook her head. "No, it's nothing, it's stupid."

"Oh, come on, Nikki. How many stupid conversations have we had over the years, hey? I'm not going to judge, you know." He sighed when she failed to respond, knowing he was going to have to try a more direct approach.

"Nikki, forgive me for snooping, but does this happen to have anything to do with the photo albums on your spare bed?"

"It might be," Nikki's response was barely audible as she hugged her knees and looked down at the floor, before dissolving into a coughing fit.

Harry winced sympathetically. "Going to tell me about it?"

"I don't really know where to start," Nikki admitted. "I just… I don't understand why I feel like this, why now."

"Like what?"

"I don't know. Empty. Like nothing matters anymore. I haven't felt like this since I was a teenager, not since…" she couldn't finish.

"Not since your mum?" It was at times like this that Nikki was incredibly grateful for Harry's ability to tell what she was thinking, although she sincerely hoped he couldn't tell everything that was passing through her mind. She was happy to talk to him about her feelings towards her mother at present, knowing that his own experience of losing a parent might allow him to relate to how she was feeling, but she was not prepared to explain why she had started thinking about her mum suddenly now, 20 years on from her death. God, she wasn't ready to talk to anybody about that.

"No, not since then," she admitted, breathing in slowly in an attempt to control her emotions. She was still looking at the floor, but she could feel Harry squeezing her shoulders and pulling her close. Sat there with her best friend, she felt the safest she had in days, and suddenly realized how tired she was. It was probably something to do with the flu, or whatever it was she had, but at that moment, her eyelids became heavy and she could feel her body giving in to sleep as her body weight transferred onto a combination of Harry's chest and the kitchen door behind her.

"Tired?" she heard Harry ask her. She fought to open her eyes, and was just about to answer when Harry's phone begin to ring; a loud, irritating tune that she must have changed for him at least 10 times, but he just kept changing it back.

Harry pulled his mobile out of his pocket and checked the screen.

"It's Leo," he explained, wondering whether Nikki was even still awake. "I'm going to have to take this, OK? I think it's to do with our new case."

Nikki nodded slightly, so Harry pulled away from her slightly in order to answer the phone.

"Hi Leo," he said as brightly as possible, not wanting to express any concerns he still had regarding Nikki in front of her. "How's it going?"

"Well we've found nothing new down our end, but I've just had a call from the police; they want to meet with the two of us at the Lyell Centre in 20 minutes. Can you get here for then?"

"I'll be there," Harry promised, glancing down at his best friend. He knew she was still hurting and only just beginning to open up, so he didn't want to leave her, but at the same time, he knew he was supposed to be at work and that he was lucky Leo had let him leave to check on Nikki in the first place. He silently vowed to come back and visit her later, as soon as she could.

"How's Nikki?" Leo asked, with an element of concern in his voice. "Any better?"

"Later," Harry told him firmly, not wanting Nikki to know they were talking about her. "I'll see you later."

Leo seemed to get the message. "OK then, we'll talk later. Lyell Centre, 20 minutes. See you there." And with that, he hung up.

"Nikki?" Harry said softly after he had slipped his phone back into his pocket. "Nikki, are you still awake?"

"Mm," she mumbled, her eyes remaining closed.

"You need to sleep, you'll probably feel better for it," Harry said softly, pulling her onto his lap. "Listen, Leo needs me back at the lab- the police have got a lead on the case we're working on- so I'm going to have to go, but, I promise I'll come back to see you later, and we'll talk then, OK?"

Nikki gave no response to this news; she was clearly asleep. Maybe it was best that he was called away now, Harry reasoned. It would give her a chance to get some sleep and hopefully recover a little. He still wasn't entirely sure what it was that seemed to be causing so much pain, but perhaps she'd be in a better state to talk to him about it once she'd caught up on some sleep.

Gently, Harry wrapped one arm around Nikki's back and slipped the other under her legs, before lifting her up gently and carrying her to her own bedroom. He pulled back the covers and lowered her into bed, cocooning her in the duvet and squeezing her hand. "I'll be back later," he whispered, before tiptoeing out of the room and shutting the door behind him, and heading back to the Lyell Centre.

As Harry left, Nikki stirred slightly in her sleep, but remained too asleep to register where she was. Sighing slightly, she rolled over and buried herself under the covers, glad to be sleeping soundly at last.

**Was it OK? Please let me know via the review button—both anonymously and signed in- whichever suits! Please guys, don't let me down! And Lizziginne, in response to your question, there's quite a bit more of the phoenix case & Nikki's breakdown to come yet, but I will be carrying on updating this as long as you guys are still enjoying it! That's why I need you to review! Tell your friends!**

**Love you all (but will love you even more if you review!),**

**Flossiexx**


	9. No smoke without Fire

**Hey guys! I'm not actually Flossie I'm her sister, she asked me to upload this for you cos she's in hospital :( she fell off a gymnastics beam yesterday evening and fractured her calcaneus (heel bone), but she asked me to upload this for you guys! She had an operation last night but is hoping to be out of hospital by Wednesday- it was a pretty nasty fracture and she's also cracked 1 rib and broken a 2nd one :( **

**There are 2 finished chapters on Flossie's computer and one the looks nearly finished, so I'm going to upload this one now and the other one tomorrow, and hopefully Flossie can finish the other one for you on Wednesday. **

**And Flossie has asked me to remind you to review please!**

**Sorry about the wait guys, hope you understand, Adriana xx**

**Chapter 8**

**No smoke without fire**

_How many times must a man look up,_

_Before he can see the sky?_

_Yes, how many ears must one man have,_

_Before he can hear people cry?_

_Yes, how many deaths will it take 'til he knows,_

_That too many people have died?_

_The answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind,_

_The answer is blowin' in the wind._

_Blowin' in the Wind extract, Bob Dylan_

**Tuesday 11th January 2011**

**-1.30pm**

Harry arrived back at the Lyell Centre just as Leo, DCI Page, Leo's partner, Janet, and another police officer were entering the conference room. He hadn't realized Janet had been called out; as she specialised in criminal profiling, and so her presence suggested that the police were trying to crack on with discovering the identity of the shopping centre gunman. Quickly, Harry dropped his coat on his desk and went to join them.

"Hi Janet!" he greeted her, sitting down opposite her and Leo. "What have we got?"

DCI Page, who was sat at the head of the table, took the top file from a rather large pile on the chair next to his own, and opened it, revealing the first page: the Post Mortem report of the male teenager, whom Harry and Leo had estimated to be around 13 years old- they thought he had suffered from severe malnutrition as a child, which made it difficult to guess his age.

"Song Cheng-bo, known as Joshua Song over here," began DCI Page, pulling a photograph of Joshua Song alive and well from another file on the side of the table. "18 years old-"

"18?" Leo interrupted, staring at DCI Page as though he were out of his mind. "We estimated him to be about 13, 15 at the oldest. And you're telling us he's 18? He's an adult? Are you sure?"

"We're positive, we've spoken to people who knew him," replied DCI Page, slightly irritably, and Harry could tell he didn't appreciate being questioned almost as much as Leo didn't appreciate being proved wrong. "How else do you think we got the photograph? No, we showed it to a few people around the crime scene, and one of the people we asked about him said he knew him vaguely from a multi-cultural Buddhist centre in South East London. We went over there to investigate, and one of the volunteers there told us that Joshua Song and his family moved here from Seoul, South Korea 2 years ago. Joshua came here with no English- he was taking English tuition classes at the centre. Everyone there who knew him said there was something strange about the whole family; we've got officers trying to contact them as we speak, and the English teacher, a Mr Cheong, is going to visit here later today to formally identify the body."

"Once we'd established the identity of Joshua Song, we thought we'd try showing the photos of the other 4 unidentified victims to other members of the WPBCC- that's the Wat Phra Buddhist Community Centre. A couple of people said they thought they recognised the elderly couple from weekend services, but no one could tell us their names. The other 2 teenagers, though, the girls, were another story."

With that, DCI Page opened the next file in his stack, which contained the Post Mortem report of the 2nd victim.

"Kim Eun-mei, or Eun-mei Kim, 15 years old, also moved here with family 2 years ago from Seoul. Attended oriental dance classes at the WPBCC, and has won 15 folk dance competitions since her arrival in London, the dance teacher said she was something of a natural; apparently she'd been selected for a specialist dance school in South Korea when she was just 6 years old."

He then opened the file of the final teenage victim.

"And this is Yu Mi-ran, or Michelle Yu. Michelle was 16 years old, and attended the same dance class at the WPBCC as Eun-mei Kim, apparently they were good friends. 2 years ago she and her family moved to London from, guess where?"

"Seoul, South Korea?" Harry asked, beginning to get the picture.

DCI Page grimaced. "Yep, you guessed it. According to the WPBCC, the Song, Kim and Yu families all arrived here at the same time; they met on the flight over, apparently. All 3 families claimed to be Korean, but had a strange accent that none of the other Koreans at the centre could place. Now all 3 families have lost a child in the same mass shooting, and all 3 children have the same tattoo- the phoenix- in the same place. You call that a coincidence?"

"It certainly is suspicious," Janet agreed. "Is it possible that Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle became involved in some kind of gang or cult while in South Korea? Maybe something their families are also involved in? That would explain why all 3 families arrived here at the same time; perhaps they were sent out here to carry out some kind of mission. It wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened."

"Anything's possible at the moment," replied the second police officer, scribbling something down in his notebook. "I'm DCI Powell by the way, and I'm working on this case with DCI Page." He addressed Harry this time, aware that he had not yet introduced himself to the pathologist.

"Harry Cunningham," Harry responded politely. "Have we made any progress with the relevance of the phoenix tattoos?"

DCI Page shook his head. "Not yet," he said. "We've taken an image of the tattoo to all the currently-open tattoo parlours in South East London, but none of them recognise it. They could be lying to cover their backs of course. We don't know when Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle had their tattoos done: if it was when they first arrived in London 2 years ago then all 3 of them would have been underage, and even if it was done last week, Eun-mei was still too young to have been tattooed without her parents' permission. And then there's the possibility that the tattoos were done in Seoul, in which case finding the parlour would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. So for the time being, we're going to have to try and crack this without the tattoo."

DCI Page then turned to Janet. "We were hoping you'd be able to enlighten us a little in terms of the gunman himself, behaviour-wise, or perhaps help us find something to use to identify him."

Janet shook her head. "There's not much I can tell you about the gunman himself, I'm afraid, not from the CCTV anyway. But I do think that the answer can be found along with the link between the Greenfields, the elderly couple, and Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle. The attack has all the markings of a pre-meditated assassination; somebody knew that those 9 people would all be in the same place at the same time that evening, someone with a grudge against them, and possibly an enemy of the cult or gang, but I guess you've worked that out already." She smiled when both policemen nodded- they were much more efficient than most of the police officers she had worked with over the years.

"There is something else, though," Janet continued. "The Buddhist centre reports that all three families of the murdered teenagers spoke Korean with a strange, out-of-place accent, and Isabella and Oliver Greenfield arrived at their Vietnamese orphanage with no understanding of any of the local languages. Did anybody ever try talking to them in Korean?"

DCI Powell flicked through his notebook for a moment, and then shook his head. "No, not according to their records." He closed his notebook and turned to face Janet.

"Are you suggesting the Greenfield children are originally from South Korea?" he asked her.

Janet nodded. "It would make sense. We know there's some kind of link between the Greenfield children, Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle, or they wouldn't have all ended up dead in the same place at the same time with the same tattoos. We also know that all 5 of them seemed out of place language wise, whether they spoke strangely or they didn't understand anything said to them. Is it possible that they were all living in some remote little village in South Korea, perhaps being controlled by a rebel group, or a gang, or some kind of cult? That would fit with the other ideas we've had so far, wouldn't it?"

"DCI Page nodded. "That would make sense, yes, but it does depend on whether that kind of thing goes on in South Korea. We'll have to do some research to find out more about South Korea as a country, to see whether that theory seems likely."

"There's one thing we still haven't found an explanation for," Leo piped up. "We'd estimated each of the teenage victims to be a good 3 years younger than they actually are. Now that might not sound like much, but considering how young they all were- even with the correct ages- 3 years is quite a long way to be out by." He glanced at Harry.

"We found from the Post Mortems of the elderly couple that they had lived for a number of years in poverty, as there were several deformities to the bones that suggested malnutrition, didn't we?" said Harry. Leo nodded, and gestured for Harry to continue with his theory. "So perhaps, assuming Janet is correct, the elderly couple lived in the same South Korean village as the other victims. Perhaps this village was rather cut off from the richer South Korean cities, living in poverty. If Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle had been living in an environment of extreme poverty, then malnutrition could have severely delayed their development."

DCI Powell was scribbling frantically again. "There are certainly a few things we can look into," he concluded. "The only thing we really know for sure at this point is that all of the victims must have been caught up in something pretty dangerous, even if they didn't know it. There's no smoke without fire, after all."

"We're going to head back to our station and start following some things up," DCI Page announced, as the two policemen rose and headed towards the door. "We're hoping to send round some members of the Song, Kim and Yu families later so we can formally identify the bodies, but we need to find a translator before we do that, as apparently none of the families speak very much English. We'll send an officer round with them. In the meantime, I guess you two could give the bodies another check-over, and see if there's anything else you can learn about the malnutrition," he continued, addressing Harry and Leo. Then he turned to Janet. "Professor Mander, if you could come with us back to the station, then that would be great. We'd like you to have a look at the CCTV footage from the night of the shooting, and see if there's anything you think could be relevant."

"So how's Nikki, anyway?" Leo asked later on, as he and Harry changed into scrubs in order to take another look at the bodies of the shooting victims.

Harry sighed, throwing his clothes into his locker. "I don't know, Leo, I honestly don't know. I know she's ill and that's going to have an impact on her behaviour, but I've never known anyone with the flu seem so… I don't know… traumatised."

Leo frowned. "Define traumatised."

Harry shook his head. "I don't know, it's hard to pinpoint anything specific. Both times I've been round to hers today and woken her up, she's reacted like she's expecting me to hurt her; she jumps a mile, she keeps flinching, apologising for nothing at all… I don't know. And she's spread old photo albums of her and her mum all over the spare bed, she says she's thinking about her mum a lot at the moment and that's why she's not herself, but somehow I'm getting the impression that there's more to it than that."

Leo pondered for a moment. "It does sound strange. Are you going round there again tonight?"

Harry nodded. "Apart from anything, someone needs to make sure she's eating. No- I'm going round again tonight after work, make her something to eat, see if I can get her to open up a bit." He didn't mention how he had just been beginning to get Nikki to talk when Leo had called him back to the lab, not wanting to make him feel in any way responsible.

Leo nodded approvingly. "That sounds like a good idea. It might just be a phase she's going through, but I agree, we need to keep an eye on her, just to be on the safe side."

"I just worry about her," Harry groaned, as the 2 of them made their way down to the cutting room. "I just worry she won't let us help her until it's too late."


	10. Don't let him break you

**Hey everyone, it's still Flossie's sister here I'm afraid! Big thank you to Tigpop, gevaudan, Lizziginne, gem.S and Lilypad1 for your lovely messages and reviews, I have passed them all on and Flossie says thank you too! Flossie had to have another op because of some internal bleeding in her abdomen that didn't sort itself out like the doctors had hoped (from where she broke her rib, who would have thought you could do so much damage by falling less than 2 metres!) :( she's hoping to be out of hospital by Friday at the latest and has actually finished chapters 10 and 11 today before her op, amazingly! So I will upload them tomorrow once I have typed them up and checked them through, cos she's a bit out of it :) Hope you like, don't forget to review and I will pass everything on to Florencia, as your reviews really cheer her up!**

**Thanks guys, Adrianaxx**

**Chapter 9**

**Don't let him break you**

_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?_

_I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now._

_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?_

_I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now._

_I could use a dream, or a genie or a wish, _

_To go back to a place much simpler than this,_

_Because after all the partying, the smashing and crashing,_

_And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion,_

_And all the pandemonium and all the madness,_

_There comes a time when you're praying to the blackness,_

_And when you're staring at that phone in your lap,_

_And you're hoping, but them people never call you back,_

_But that's just how the story unfolds, _

_And you'll get another hand soon after you fold,_

_But when your plans unravel in the sand, _

_What would you wish for, if you had one chance?_

_So airplane, airplane, I'm sorry I'm late,_

_But I'm on my way so don't close that gate,_

_If I don't make that then I'll switch my flight, _

_And I'll be right back at it by the end of the night._

_ Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?_

_I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now._

_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?_

_I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now._

_Airplanes extract, B.O.B._

**Tuesday 11th January 2011**

**-4.46pm**

Nikki moaned and rolled over slowly and painfully as she felt herself begin to wake up, burying her head under the pillow. She wasn't ready to wake up just yet. The sleep she had just had was the best she had managed in what seemed like year, even if it was only really 2 days, and she was determined to extend it for as long as possible.

As she pulled the covers up further and curled up into a ball, an-all-too-familiar smell filled Nikki's nostrils. It was him. But no, it couldn't be… could it? He was long gone, but what if he'd found the 'emergency key', what if he'd come back to torture her again?

At that point, all rational thoughts flew out of the window, up into the sky and out to the furthest corners of the universe. Desperately, Nikki clamped her hands over her ears as her head began to fill with taunting voices.

'You know you deserved it?' one of them was jeering. 'You deserved everything you got, Nikki Alexander. You can think what you like, but you know I'm right. And you know everyone else would think that too, don't you? That's why this stays between us, Nikki. It has to. It's for your own good.'

She was trying desperately to block the voices out, but with the smell of Sunday night surrounding her, she couldn't. She couldn't think, she couldn't breathe, she couldn't even control her body's reaction to being reminded of the one thing she didn't want to remember, and before she had the chance to regain some control over herself, she was vaguely aware of a retching voice, and realized she had vomited over herself.

As horrible as it was, the vomiting did seem to shock her back to her senses, and slowly, Nikki managed to sit up, leaning heavily against something hard behind her, and untangle herself from the bed sheets. It took her a moment to realize where she was; sitting up in bed in her flat. In her own bed.

She had tried so hard to keep away from this place, and yet that was exactly where she had ended up. But how had she gotten here? She wouldn't have done so out of her own free will, she knew that much. So how? Harry, she realized. She remembered falling asleep earlier when he had come to visit, and he must have carried her to bed, thinking he was doing the right thing. She didn't blame him in the slightest; it wasn't his fault. How could poor Harry possibly have guessed that she couldn't stand to be in her own bedroom?

'You've got to stop this, Nikki', she told herself as firmly as she could manage. 'You can't live like this. It's just a room; nothing about it can hurt you. Nothing.'

She stayed there for a while, aware that she was, rather revoltingly, sitting in her own vomit, but she couldn't find the strength to move. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered, not now. It was as if her life had been split into 2 sections in that terrible moment; 'BE' and 'AD': 'Before Event' and 'After Devastation', and life in 'AD' was so far living up to its name.

It was almost a whole hour before she found the strength to clamber out of bed. She couldn't face changing the sheets, and headed straight for the shower, blasting herself with hot water, washing away the pain. It took her a moment to realize that she was already making progress- she was, after all, technically still in her bedroom.

'See, you can do it,' she told herself, turning the water up to an even higher temperature. She could feel the heat pounding against her skin, but she didn't care. 'You're making progress already. You've just got to keep going like this, and not give up, no matter how bad it gets. You can't let him break you, Nikki. You can't let him win.'

25 minutes later, Nikki stepped out of the shower, and took a deep breath as she re-entered her bedroom. She could feel her chest tightening as she fought to breathe, but somehow she managed to remain reasonably calm as she got changed. She was just pulling an old, baggy, yet incredibly comfortable hoodie over her head when she heard a knock at the door. She froze, startled for a moment, trying to think who it could be. Harry, her brain told her, after some delay. Harry had told her he would visit her again in the evening; it must be him. God, she'd have to remember to buy him an extra-nice birthday present this year, to make up for all the time he was spending looking out for her. Slowly, Nikki composed herself, took a few deep breaths, and made her way to the front door.

"Nikki?" she could hear her best friend now, calling through the door for her. "Nikki, it's me again, it's Harry! Can I come in?"

"One minute!" she called hoarsely, before dissolving into a coughing fit and fighting with the bolt across her front door. A few moments later the door was open, and she was standing face-to-face with Harry, who was holding a large plastic carrier bag, and wearing a huge grin on his face. His smile faded when he saw her, and Nikki realized she must still be feeling peaky after her latest episode. Which reminded her: she still needed to clean that up.

"How are you feeling?" Harry asked, with his voice layered with concern as he stepped inside Nikki's flat and dropped the shopping bag to the floor, pulling her into a hug. "You look like a ghost."

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Nikki insisted, feeling safe once more as she leaned into Harry's chest, and wishing she could stay there forever. "I was sick earlier, that's all- I still need to go and clean that up. You go and sit down; I'll be with you in a minute."

Harry shook his head firmly, grabbing her by the shoulders and moving in front of her. Nikki didn't think he noticed the slight flinch she made as he gripped onto her, but she couldn't be sure. Oh god, if she didn't trust Harry, then who did she trust? Now she was really starting to go crazy.

"Oh no you don't," Harry insisted, steering Nikki into her lounge and gently pushing her down onto the sofa. "You're staying right there. You relax, and I'll go and clean it up for you."

"Harry," Nikki replied with as much strength as she could muster, standing up from the sofa. "There is no way I can ask you to clean up my vomit for me."

"Good job you didn't ask then!" Harry grinned, gently shoving her back down onto the sofa. "I offered, remember? Now you, Dr Alexander, are going to stay there, and I am going to go and run a clean-up operation for you. We're pathologists for goodness sake; I think I've seen a fair amount of nasty bodily fluids in my time, many of them much worse than my best friend's puke." He paused and flashed a grin. "I expect you to reward me for this, though. It's a sign of real friendship, this is. You are so doing my paperwork for a week."

And with that he was off into the kitchen, and Nikki, as she sat curled up on the sofa, could hear him rummaging loudly through her cupboards, and wondered, as she heard something clatter to the floor and almost all of the bad thoughts temporarily left her head, what state her flat would be in after he had finished.


	11. Dr Harry Cunningham's Diary

**Hey everyone, here's the next chapter! Still Adriana here btw! This one's shorter than the last few I'm afraid, but the next one is longer again and this is a Harry's diary : ) And it was written yesterday amongst all the chaos!**

**Thank you to Tigpop, gedauvan, lizziginne, MaisyGrace and gem.S for your reviews, have passed them all on and please keep them coming! Flossie is doing much better and will hopefully be out either tomorrow night or Friday morning, so she'll be back on here by Friday night I expect! I think she's written up to chapter 13 now : )**

**Don't forget to review!**

**Adriana xx**

**Chapter 10**

**Dr Cunningham's well and truly inspirational diary**

_This is a story about four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody._

_There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it._

_Everybody was sure Somebody would do it._

_Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it._

_Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job._

_Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody_

_wouldn't do it._

_It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody._

**Tuesday 11th January 2011**

**-6.23pm**

Am currently removing best friend's vomit-covered bed sheets from bedroom, cleaning mattress, re-making bed, freshening up room and washing bed sheets. The things I do in the name of friendship.

**-6.29pm**

Judging by state of bed sheets, best friend in question has eaten nothing all day, as predicted. Will have to have words with her later, once have sorted out mess. If ever finish sorting out mess. Am beginning to regret volunteering for this job, but someone has to do it, and that someone should certainly not be Nikki. Which just leaves either me, or nobody. And am sure Nikki would rather somebody did it.

**-6.30pm**

Am going to stop waffling now and get on with it.

**-6.38pm**

Hallelujah! Bed sheets changed, washing machine loaded, windows opened briefly and then closed again to avoid turning flat into the Arctic, Moroccan Rose room fragrance thoroughly spayed and pile of cello sheet music formally littering carpet now stacked in a neat pile by bedside table. Nikki can thank me later, when has stopped doing rather convincing impression of Casper the friendly ghost.

**-6.49pm**

Have persuaded Nikki to let me stay and watch film with her (so can make sure she eats and can access extent of flu, but didn't tell her that part). Made her promise to eat dinner after much pleading, which consider major achievement. Think may deserve a medal. Now in kitchen, heating up uneaten Chinese takeaway from yesterday evening and trying to locate serving spoons and chopsticks. Not as logical as it sounds.

**-6.51pm**

Oops. Just been told by Nikki that serving spoons and chopsticks live in cutlery drawer. Went back for a second look and discovered they had been under my nose the whole time. Wonder how long it will take to live this one down.

**-7.09pm**

Am at present curled up on sofa with best friend, eating Chinese and watching CSI reruns. Perfect.

**-9.46pm**

Should really be heading home, but Nikki asleep on shoulder and don't want to wake her up. No more vomiting, thank God. Had chat during CSI; decided best friend seems to have bottled up feelings about mother's death since the event and hasn't yet had the chance to express them yet, resulting in her feeling rather low. Think she feels guilty about mother's death, but found it rather difficult to make any sense out of what she actually said, so can't be sure. Theory makes sense in parts, but doesn't explain why she's only started to crack 20 years later. Wonder if someone may have said something to upset her (am holding army of inappropriate boyfriends guilty until proven innocent), but can't get her to talk about it, so can't be sure. Might have to persuade Leo to send her to Home Office Counsellor if no better soon. Willing to bet that one will go down like a lead balloon.

**-10.05pm**

Nikki woken up and declared is off to bed, so am going to make a move. Offered to stay but she insisted that she's feeling much better but still very tired and is planning on going straight to bed. Didn't like to argue so said goodnight and left. Going to leave her be tomorrow morning, but will visit during lunch break. And will talk to Leo tomorrow about possible guilt at mother's death, and general feeling low. Need to think about how to approach the subject though, don't want to give off the impression that best friend is going crazy. Because of course, she's not. She's just going through a rough patch, but we'll look after her and she'll be fine.

**-10.58pm**

Night.


	12. A broken promise

**Hey guys, it's Florencia again, finally! Sorry I haven't been on here for like a week, but being in hospital wasn't much fun! Out now though, and only not allowed to walk for… 3 MONTHS! Don't know how am going to cope :( but does mean that will have more time for writing this :) **

**Here's the next chapter, which I wrote in hospital and can only half remember writing, which is a bit weird! This one sees thee phoenix case progress some more, please review and let me know you're still enjoying it! And thank you to everyone for your lovely messages, they honestly made me feel SO much better!**

**Love you guys (and even more if you review!), Flossiexx**

**Chapter 11**

**A broken promise**

**Wednesday 12th January 2011**

Harry arrived at the Lyell Centre on time that morning, knowing that 3 late mornings in one week was hardly going to go down well with Leo. He found his boss already sat at his desk with a large mug of coffee, sorting through an ever-growing pile of Post Mortem reports.

"Good morning!" Leo greeted him surprisingly cheerfully for a morning in the middle of a case. "We're going to be quite busy today; the police are sending round Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle's parents to identify the bodies, we've got another totally unrelated case coming in, and Nikki's just called to say she's feeling better and planning on coming in later, but judging by the sound of her on the phone she hasn't had a wink of sleep and still hasn't recovered from the flu."

"She's coming in today?" Harry let out an involuntary groan.

Leo frowned at him. "So you think she's still not well too? How did she seem to you last night?"

"Honestly?" Harry asked. "She's struggling with something Leo; I'm just not sure what. I got her to talk a bit last night, though, and she seems to be quite cut up about her mother's death at the moment. I got the impression she's never really talked to anyone about it before, so I wonder if she's been bottling it up for so long that she just can't cope anymore and what we're seeing is the beginnings of a breakdown, but… I don't know. There's something she's not telling me Leo, and I can't figure out what it is."

"We'll see how she is today," Leo decided, closing all 3 of the files lying open on his desk. "If we still think she's not right by the evening, perhaps we should think about sending her to talk to someone."

Harry nodded. "That's exactly what I was going to ask you." He cut off at that point, turning round just in time to see Nikki walking into the office. She no longer looked physically ill, but her eyes still bore a distinctly haunted look, and she looked as if she hadn't slept.

"Morning," she mumbled, before moving to stand beside Harry. "What have I missed?"

"Are you well enough to be here?" Leo asked, but Nikki turned and snapped back at him.

"Leo I wouldn't be here if I didn't think I was! I'm fine!" she replied angrily, flopping onto the chair beside Harry's. "So come on! What have we got?"

Glancing at Leo, Harry began to fill Nikki in on the details of the South Korean phoenix case. He was so preoccupied, worrying about the implications of her losing her temper with Leo, that he missed the slight flinch Nikki gave when he mentioned the phoenix tattoos found on the victims, and the momentary wave of panic that crossed her face. He didn't realize that something was so very wrong.

"Are you two busy?" Leo asked a couple of hours later, poking his head around the door. Harry and Nikki both looked up from their desks, curious as to what he had to say.

"Not particularly busy, why?" Harry asked, glancing over at Nikki, who was nodding in agreement. The two of them had spent the entire morning so far catching up on their paperwork, and were thoroughly bored.

"The parents of the phoenix victims are dropping by in a few minutes to formally identify them. DCI Page is coming by too, and I think they're bringing a Korean translator to help us communicate with the families of the victims. I'd appreciate your help, if you've got some time on your hands."

"I think we've got time, haven't we Harry?" Nikki piped up, playing with her nails as she looked down at her lap.

Harry nodded, glancing over at his friend and wondered why she seemed so on edge.

"Yep, I think we could spare you a moment," he replied, and the two of them followed Leo out of the office and round to the Lyell Centre lobby. Zak was already there with a small group of people, the only one of them other than Zak whom Harry recognised being DCI Page. Zak beckoned Leo, Harry, and Nikki over when he saw them, and a small, oriental woman stepped forwards to introduce herself.

"You must be the pathologists," she said. "I'm Alice Chen, the Korean translator assigned to this case."

"Professor Leo Dalton," Leo responded. "These are my colleagues, Dr Harry Cunningham, and Dr Nikki Alexander."

"Hi," Alice greeted, before turning back to the rest of the group, all also oriental, who were standing nervously beside Zak. "These are the parents of your phoenix victims- Ai-cha and Chin-ho Song, parents of Joshua Song- Sooki and Hyun-su Kim, parents of Eun-mei Kim- and Sharon and Joseph Yu, parents of Michelle Yu."

"Good morning," Harry greeted them politely, not sure if they were going to understand him. All 6 parents nodded slightly but gave no reply; they all looked rather traumatised and overwhelmed with grief, which Harry, Leo and Nikki were rather used to by now, having worked as pathologists for many years.

"I'd like to take the parents through as separate couples to identify their children, if that's OK," DCI Page told Leo. "That way, I can ask them a few questions whilst they're waiting, and we can get the whole thing over and done with sooner."

"That sounds like a plan," Leo agreed. "Who are we starting with?"

"Shall we start with the Kim family, that way we can go in alphabetical order and it'll be easier to follow the notes we already have?" Alice Chen suggested, before turning to the couple closest to Harry, Leo and Nikki, and uttering something in Korean. The couple, who looked distraught and rather young to be parents to a teenage girl, nodded at Alice as she explained the identification process to them, and then followed Leo and Harry out of the room. Nikki had been instructed by Leo to stay with DCI Page and Alice Chen to help interview the parents, and provide scientific knowledge where necessary.

There was rarely much need for words when showing parents the body of their dead child, but in this case, words were completely useless, as the parents of Eun-mei Kim wouldn't understand a word that Harry or Leo said. Sooki and Hyun-su Kim simply stared at the motionless body of their daughter, and then nodded to indicate that they were certain of the girl's identity. Then they signed the form handed to them by Leo to confirm that the girl on the slab in front of them was in fact their daughter, and left the room once more, and the whole process began again with the parents of Joshua Song, who were much more emotionally affected by the whole ordeal, but eventually signed the form and stepped back outside.

Michelle Yu's parents were the last to have to formally identify their child, and both Harry and Leo were struck by the considerable lack of emotion they displayed at seeing their daughter lying dead on a mortuary slab. Sharon and Joseph Yu simply stared down at Michelle's face, lost in thought. Finally, (after a few coughs from Harry, which were met by several glares from Leo) they broke their trance for long enough to sign the form.

"This should not have happened," Sharon Yu announced suddenly as Harry and Leo showed Michelle's parents to the door, taking them both by surprise; they had been warned that all 3 families of the phoenix victims spoke hardly any English.

"She supposed to be safe here," Sharon Yu continued, glancing accusingly at DCI Page, who was lurking in the doorway, watching the surprising scene before him. "You people tell me Mi-ran- Michelle- will be safe here. But now she be dead. You tell me she will have better life here, she can leave past behind her and be free, be healthy, be happy, but at least in Korea she was alive! You people are no better than in Korea!" she screamed, lurching forward and throwing herself at DCI Page, before beginning to scream and yell again, in Korean this time.

"Hey, that's enough!" Harry shouted, fighting to pull Michelle's mother away from the policeman. She resisted for a moment, but seemed to realize that Harry could easily overpower her, and stopped struggling, allowing herself to be handed over to Alice Chen, who was ready and waiting to attempt to calm her down.

"I need to talk to you later," Alice told Harry, Leo and DCI Page, as she led Sharon Yu and her husband over to the sofas in the corner of the Lyell Centre lobby, and instructed Zak to make them cups of tea.

"What was all that about?" Nikki asked, hurrying over as soon as Michelle Yu's parents had been led away. She had clearly witnessed the commotion from the corner where she had been sat helping Alice interview the other parents; it would have been hard to miss it.

Harry could only shake his head, as her watched Sharon Yu dissolve into tears in the corner, and her husband try in vain to comfort her.

"I don't know," he admitted. "But I think this case just got a whole lot more complicated."


	13. A revelation

**Here's the next chapter :) And from here on in, everything is going to start to make a bit more sense. I don't know if any of you have picked up on any of the clues so far, there are quite a few in the prologue, which will start to jump out at you as the story progresses, but you might not have picked up on them yet ;) There was one at the end of Luo Ye Gui Gen, and another one in Catch Her as She Falls. If you haven't a clue what's going on then don't worry, but if you do, submit your theories by review and I have an idea for a kind of prize for the first person to guess right :) **

**Enjoy this chapter, and please please please don't forget to review! I absolutely love knowing that people are reading this and enjoying!**

**Flossie xx**

**Chapter 12**

**A Revelation**

_This town is colder now; it's getting sick of us,_

_It's time to make our move; I'm shaking off the rust,_

_I've got my heart set on anywhere but here,_

_I'm staring down myself, counting up the years,_

_Steady hands, just take the wheel, every glance is killing me,_

_Time to make one last appeal, for the life I lead._

_Stop and stare, I think I'm moving but I don't know where,_

_And I know that everyone gets scared, but I've become what I can't be,_

_Stop and stare, you start to wonder why you're here not there,_

_And you'd give everything to get what's fair, but fair ain't what you really need,_

_Oh, can't you see what I see?_

_They're trying to come back, all my senses push,_

_Untie the weight bags; I never thought I could,_

_Steady feet, don't fail me now, I'm gonna run until you can't walk,_

_Something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down._

_Stop and stare, I think I'm moving but I don't know where,_

_And I know that everyone gets scared, but I've become what I can't be,_

_Stop and stare, you start to wonder why you're here not there,_

_And you'd give everything to get what's fair, but fair ain't what you really need,_

_Oh, can't you see what I see?_

"Do you have a minute?" Amy Chen asked Leo, standing in the doorway of his office with DCI Page behind her. It was lunchtime; a few hours after the incident with Sharon Yu, and since then, Alice and DCI Page had both disappeared briefly. DCI Page had been sent to escort the parents of the phoenix victims home, and Alice Chen had rushed back to her office, saying that she needed to go and do some research, but would be back later. Harry, Nikki and Leo had gone back to their paperwork in the meantime, eager to shrink the ever-growing piles of case files on their desks.

"Sure," Leo replied, as he stood up and made for the door. "Go through to the conference table, I'll just tell Dr Alexander and Dr Cunningham that you're here."

"Thanks," Alice smiled, before disappearing out of sight. Leo logged off his computer and tidied the pile of files on his desk, and then proceeded through to Harry and Nikki's office, where he found them both working silently on their paperwork. He studied Nikki's face for a moment as he stood by the door, looking for signs of her still feeling ill, or struggling with something as he and Harry had suspected, but he found nothing. If anything, the lack of emotion on his colleague's faced worried him even more, but Leo was cautious of voicing his concerns, especially after Nikki's earlier annoyance at him. For now, he would just have to watch and observe.

"Can you two leave that for a moment? Alice Chen and DCI Page want to speak to us," said Leo, before leaving the room and leading them down to the conference table, where DCI page and Alice Chen were already seated.

"Shall we start?" Leo suggested as the 3 pathologists took their seats at the table, while studying Alice's face and realizing that they were not going to like what she had to say.

"We might as well," Alice nodded. "The parents of your phoenix victims- they're not from South Korea."

"What?" DCI Page exclaimed. "But they must be- we checked their passports!"

"I'm sure you did," Alice Chen continued. "In fact, I'm almost certain that those passports are genuine. But I've been doing this job for almost 20 years, talking to Koreans with all sorts of regional accents, and I can assure you, the Kim, Song and Yu families are not from South Korea. Their accents are all wrong; too clipped, and entirely the wrong pitch."

"So they're not Korean?" DCI Page interrupted. "Well, is there a chance that they could be Vietnamese; that's where the Greenfield children were adopted from?"

"Ah, but I never said I didn't recognise the accent," Alice continued, clearly annoyed at DCI Page for interrupting her. "I do. And I never said the families in question were not Korean either. I just said they weren't South Korean."

"You mean…" said Nikki slowly, having suddenly gone rather pale. "You mean…" She couldn't bring herself to finish, but Harry and Leo were completely absorbed in the information Alice Chen had just given them, and didn't notice her distress.

"Joshua Song, Eun-mei Kim, Michelle Yu and their families are all North Korean," Alice Chen concluded. "And before you ask, yes, I'm certain, I recorded voice samples from all 6 parents and got opinions from my other colleagues and I can assure you, they're definitely North Korean."

"But that's impossible isn't it?" Leo asked. "I don't know very much about North Korea, but I know it's the only real communist state left in the world, and I know the people there live under incredibly tight control from the government. I thought they weren't allowed to leave the country? So how could 3 North Korean families have ended up in London?"

"North Koreans aren't allowed to leave the country, no," Alice Chen agreed. "Kim Jong-Il and his government make sure of that. But that doesn't mean that those who desperately want to get out can't find a way. I worked for a number of years at South Korean immigration, checking a number of people who had flown in from China, claiming to be North Korean defectors. Some turn out to be fakes, but there are still plenty of genuine North Koreans who arrive via China. Most of them leave North Korea from Chongjin, North Korea's 3rd largest city, by swimming across the Tumen River to China. There are organisations who sell package-deal escape routes and assistance out of Chongjin to either Musan or Hoeryong on the Chinese side of the boarder, and from there, they find you a place to stay, get you a temporary job, then when you've got enough money to contribute towards the flight fare, they get you a fake passport and arrange for you to fly into South Korea."

"But in that case, the families wouldn't really be South Korean citizens, would they?" DCI Page interrupted again. "And we checked those passports over and over again; they were definitely genuine." He was clearly annoyed at being proved wrong and determined to find a flaw in Alice Chen's explanation and, from what Nikki, Harry and Leo could see, careful research.

"Actually, they would," replied Alice. "The South Korean government states itself as the rightful government of the whole of Korea, which means that all North and South Koreans are automatic citizens, providing they can get themselves to Seoul. If the phoenix victim families managed to scrape together enough money, they would be able to afford to buy fake passports and a flight to Incheon, the international airport of South Korea. There, they could turn themselves in to the authorities, and be granted citizenship to South Korea. Then they would most likely have been admitted to Hanawon, which is a kind of half-way house where North Korean defectors can be taught how to live their lives in South Korea. It sounds stupid, I know, but there are so many things defectors won't have seen before, like the Roman alphabet and modern technology. Most aren't used to buying things for themselves either, because North Korea's communist status means that everything they need is in theory provided for them by the state. When they leave Hanawon, families like the phoenix victims' are given a start-up fund for them to begin their new lives. I'm guessing that, given all 3 families arrived in London at around the same time; they met at Hanawon or possibly during their stay in China, and decided to travel to Britain together when they left Hanawon some months later."

"And there's no doubt in your mind about any of this?" DCI Page asked. He seemed to have gotten over his annoyance with Alice Chen for simply being right, and was now frantically scribbling in his notebook.

"None at all," Alice confirmed. "I've spoken to several of my colleagues about this, and they all agree that it's the best possible explanation, even if it does complicate matters for you entirely."

"It does explain the malnutrition though," said Harry, and Leo nodded in agreement. "From what little I know about North Korea, there have been severe food shortages over the years. Perhaps the elderly couple who were killed at the shooting were from there too. And the Greenfield children, this would all fit into Professor Mander's theory."

"That would make sense," DCI Page agreed. "We'll be able to look into that lead later, once we've managed to identify the couple." He cut off and turned to Harry, Leo and to Nikki, who had remained uncharacteristically quiet throughout the meeting; something which had escaped Harry and Leo's attention amongst all the excitement.

"And Michelle Yu's mother," Leo added. "Perhaps someone had persuaded her and her family to come here, telling them they'd be safer, they'd have access to food, education, a better life, and then she finds her daughter has been murdered. I'd be angry if I was her."

DCI Page nodded, and scrawled something else in his notebook.

"I don't think there's much more you can do for us just at the moment," he informed the pathologists. "We're going to try and take this further, now we know what we're dealing with and we'll be in touch when we've got anything new. Keep hold of the bodies for now- I'll get you permission- we might need them later when we've got more of an idea of why these people were killed."

DCI Page, Alice Chen, Harry and Leo then entered into a long conversation about something-or-other, speculating about the case, but Nikki didn't hear a word of it. She was just concentrating on breathing slowly, trying desperately to stay calm and stop the world from beginning to swim. She had realized halfway through the meeting that she already knew all of this, right down to the very last detail. How could she not have? Bai had told her, that terrible night. This was his world, his life's work, and the police only knew half the story. There was so much more to the story, so much they could never have guessed, and she could explain it all to them, if only her mind wasn't in such a mess. She couldn't open her mouth to tell them what Bai had told her; she had already tried, several times during the meeting. To tell them what she knew would mean telling them about Bai, and she couldn't talk about him, not now, not ever.


	14. Memoirs of a life once lost

**Here's the next one : ) Big hugs to timelove, gem.S, Tigpop, emmaJ1996 and savingthestars for your reviews, they really made me smile : ) Keep them coming, and if you haven't reviewed yet, now is the time to start!**

**Well done Tigpop and savingthestars on your theories, this chapter will either conform your suspicions or send you back to the drawing board;) If anyone comes up with a n idea as to what is going on then please let me know, I love to see what you think is happening! Keep reviewing, enjoy, and the next chapter will be up soon!**

**And on a final note, there is one clue and a few red herrings in this one, but the real clue is so small you might not spot it :) let me know if you do!**

**Flossiexx**

**Chapter 13**

**Memoirs of a Life once Lost**

_3 months later…_

**Thursday 21st April 2011 **

**-6.21am**

_The icy water hit her harder than a slap to the face, but the angry voices behind her forced her to keep moving. This was the only escape route, and she couldn't give up now. _

_She never been here before, not even in reality, but she knew exactly where she was. She knew that safety could be found on the other side of the Tumen River, if only she could reach it. Gasping for air, she thrashed frantically in the freezing depths of the river, struggling to get her bearings. She had to swim forwards, and slightly to the left, she realized. The river was impossibly wide, and the swim was going to be a long one, but she didn't have a choice. The shouting and cursing behind her was becoming louder and louder with each passing second and her progress through the icy, dirty river just didn't seem to be fast enough. She could hear the splashing of the border guards behind her, just as Bai had described, and knew that it was only a matter of time before they caught up with her. As the splashing came closer and closer, she kicked her legs into the air and dived beneath the surface in a desperate attempt to escape, wincing as the freezing temperature hit her again, even harder this time. Something in the back of her mind reminded her that as the head was the warmest part of the body, submerging it beneath the water was probably not the best idea, but still she continued to swim under the surface, desperate to get away. And then someone grabbed hold of her ankle. _

_She screamed involuntarily, even though she knew that opening her mouth underwater was one of the worst things she could do. As the cry of terror escaped her mouth, she lashed out, and heard a distant crash as if she had broken something in her frenzy, although that seemed unlikely underwater. She twisted frantically as she tried to e surface. She was flung down to the bottom of the river and held down by a pressure on her chest; someone was holding her down. And as the man above her turned to clamp his hand over her mouth, she saw his face. It was Bai. Bai Lưu was trying to kill her._

_And as Bai's face stared evilly back at her and her vision began to blur, the entire scene vanished, and suddenly she found herself somewhere very different. Now she was inside a memory from long ago, reliving a moment she'd be dwelling on constantly over the past few days. And knowing what was going to happen almost made it worse. _

_She was sitting outside, on an old wooden swing hanging from the Kameeldoring tree, Camel Thorn tree in English, swinging idly back and forth in the evening heat. Her 6 year old self was lost in thought, her hands loosely gripping the ropes of the swing, and a small, purple stuffed elephant sat beside her. _

"_Nicola!" She could hear someone calling for her, her mother's voice, and knew from the use of her full name that she was in trouble. "Nicola, is jy hier? Nicola, are you out here?"_

"_Ek kom, Mamma!" her younger self called out in reply, jumping from the swing in a rush and running up the garden to the house, the toy elephant trailing in her hand. "I'm coming, Mum!"_

_Her mother was standing in front of the patio doors, her hands on her hips, frowning down on her daughter. _

"_Nikki!" she shouted irritably, as her daughter skidded to a halt in front of her. __"Nikki, Martha sê jy het al speel met die seuns van langs die deur weer! Ek het jou gesê om nie te gaan naby hulle, Nicola, hulle is moeilikheid! __Moeilikheid! Hoekom doen jy nie luister na my?"_

"_Celin? What's going on?" her father had appeared now and was questioning her mother in English, clearly having come home from work to hear the commotion. _

"_I've just got home, and Martha tells me that Nicola's been playing with those boys from next door again!" she shouted, causing her daughter to retreat slightly. "We told her from the moment they moved in that they were trouble, and yet every day when we are out at work she sneaks over the fence to play with them! Wat doen jy nie verstaan nie, Nicola?" she shouted, addressing her daughter once more. "What do you not understand, Nicola? We have told you time and time again to stay away from Bai Lưu and his family, we have told you they are bad news, and yet you keep going back over the fence! You will be sorry when you get hurt, Nicola, can't you see we're just trying to protect you? There are some things we should not get involved with, and what's happening next door is just one of those things, verstaan jy my? Do you understand me, Nicola?"_

_And suddenly the scene was disturbed with a loud, high pitched beeping, that simply wouldn't go away, and the images of her parents faded slowly and steadily to blackness as she was pulled back to reality._

Nikki Alexander shot bolt-upright as her dream came to a close, sat still for a moment as she got her bearings, and then found herself bolting to the bathroom as a wave of nausea washed over her, and knelt beside the toilet, emptying out what little she'd eaten the night before into the basin. God, she hated herself. It was all her own fault, after all. Why hadn't she listened to her mother's warning; why not all those years ago, and why not now? Never mind venturing into the lion's den, she had gone and invited the lion into her own home, and now she had to live with the consequences. The constant retching whenever she was reminded of that night couldn't go on and Nikki knew it all too well, but it was the only way her body knew how to deal with the emotional pain and disgust. It was the only way of physically removing thoughts of Bai out of her system.

The nausea passed relatively quickly, and Nikki found herself getting to her feet and moving back to her bedroom, turning off her alarm clock, and then heading back to the bathroom and into the shower. It was like she had been living on autopilot since that terrible night in January, performing the necessary functions to get through each day without really thinking about what she was doing. She didn't feel much in the way of emotion anymore- she hadn't for some time- but she was getting rather good at pretending, putting on a normal front to the outside world. Harry and Leo had gotten off her case over a month ago, believing her to be fine, and she wasn't sure if that made her feel better or worse. She wasn't constantly worrying about letting something slip to them via her behaviour anymore, which could only be a good thing, but on the other hand, Nikki had never felt so alone. It was her own fault, she reasoned, as she rinsed shampoo bubbles from her long blonde hair and opened a bottle of conditioner. She could have talked to someone-anyone- about how she was feeling at the time, but she'd shut everyone out instead. As time went by it had become harder and harder to know where to begin, and now she was stuck; stuck in a vicious circle with no way out. No, it was too late to try and talk to Harry and Leo, or anyone for that matter, now. She'd never been good at asking for help at the best of times; she was like her mother in that respect. Up until the age of 15, she'd been incredibly close to her mother. In the memory from her dream, yes, her mother had become incredibly angry with her, but that wasn't how the day had ended. After her rant was over, her mother had sent her up to her room, but had followed her up a few minutes later; this had happened often during her childhood, and Nikki had often suspected that her mother had only done it in order to spend time with her alone, without Victor Alexander present. On this particular occasion, her mother had sat down beside her by the window, pulling her into a hug and holding her close.

"Ek is net probeer om jou te beskerm, malaika," she whispered into her daughter's hair softly. "I'm just trying to protect you, angel."

The main reason that the pain she experienced at the time of her mother's death had never really gone away was that she had lost the only person in the world to whom she had been able to tell anything at all. She had Harry now, of course, but talking to Harry about…female matters, such as this, would only make both of them overly uncomfortable. And poor Harry wouldn't even know where to start in terms of helping her, due to the presence of a Y-chromosome within his genetic makeup. No, she decided, as she wrapped herself in a towel, squeezed the water out of her hair and made her way back into her bedroom, she was best off dealing with this by herself.

'You'll be over this in a couple of months, you'll see,' she told herself firmly. 'You're so much better now compared to how you were in January. You'll get over this; you just have to give it time.'

But as she checked her outfit in the mirror and began to apply her makeup, before removing her mother's gold dragonfly necklace from her jewellery box and securing it around her neck, she wondered how much truth there really was in those words. How could a person possibly recover from something they refused to address, that they kept locked up inside their heart in a dark deserted corner? Sooner or later the truth would come erupting out of her and somewhere deep down she knew it, but common sense was something she didn't always listen to, not these days. The explosion would come, but she would deal with it when it did. She couldn't make herself go back to that night right now, and if her stubborn refusal to face the past led to the loss of her sanity, then so be it. At least if she went crazy, she wouldn't have to cope with anything like this again.


	15. Remnants of a Guilty Mind

**It's VERY late, but my stomach wound's gone all infected and is **_**very very very**_** sore, and it was keeping me awake so I've been finishing this : \ This contains references to a Guilty Mind but not to the episode itself, as it's my version of how Nikki became involved with the case with the 8 year old girl, with some of my own drama added to tie it in with my plotline. Anything you recognise belongs to the BBC, anything you don't belongs to moi ;)**

**Thank you to everyone for your lovely reviews, they make me feel so much better, so please keep them coming! And I'm glad you liked Nikki's mum! Gem.S- I lived in South Africa for 2 years when I was younger, for school I either had to learn Afrikaans or English, and my parents thought Afrikaans would be easier for some reason. Then I came to England and had to learn English anyway : ) **

**Well done everyone on your theories so far, all I'm saying at this point is, some of you are on the right lines… keep speculating and letting me know what you think!**

**Love you guys, Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 14**

**Remnants of a Guilty Mind**

**Thursday 21st April 2011**

**-5.17pm**

"Nikki, I've got a case for you!" Leo called through the Lyell Centre, distracting Nikki from her paperwork. The day so far had been rather slow in terms of cases, much like the last 3 months. There had been little progress with the phoenix case, though DCI Page was still working on it like his life depended on it, and regularly turning up at the Lyell Centre excited over a new possible lead, before returning a few days later to inform the pathologists that it was a dead end, and they were back to square one. There had been a few cases since then, but all of them had been relatively simple, and it was fair to say that it had been a rather boring few months for the Thomas Lyell Centre pathologists.

"There's a case for you," Leo announced as he entered Harry and Nikki's office, placing a square yellow post-it on the corner of Nikki's desk. "I'm sorry, I know you're probably about to go home, but you're the only one of us on call tonight." He paused, not quite able to meet Nikki in the eye.

"It's quite a nasty one, I'm sorry," he continued. "A young child, female, yet to be identified, they think she was on her way home from school." He studied his colleague for a moment, and saw the first flash of emotion in her eyes that had been there in months; horror. Cases like this were never easy.

"Do a good job," he told Nikki, patting her on the shoulder as he turned to leave the room.

**-5.47pm**

"Dr Alexander, home office pathologist," Nikki announced briskly, and the policeman at the park entrance scanned her ID for a moment, and then lifted the crime scene tape to allow her to duck underneath. The sun was beginning to set over the park, leaving a faint orange glow in its wake, and it was surprisingly cold for a late-April evening. The entire park had been closed off since around 4.30, when the body had been found, and now the only human inhabitants were the forensics teams, the police, and Nikki herself. The park was one of London's larger ones, but the site of the body was made obvious by a large white tent screen on the horizon. As Nikki approached it, she could see a tall, dark-haired man making his way towards her, already dressed in a soco suit.

"Are you the pathologist?" he asked, holding out his hand for Nikki to shake when she nodded. "DCI Peter Newman, I'm the detective assigned to this case."

"Nikki Alexander, home office pathologist. Do you have any idea what we're dealing with yet?"

"A little," DCI Newman informed her. "The body is that of a primary school-aged female, found with a blow to the head at around 4.30, still in her school uniform. We think…" he cut off and took a moment to compose himself, before continuing. "We're not sure, but we think she may have been sexually assaulted."

"OK," Nikki replied, biting down on her lip slightly as she pulled back the flap of the tent and stepped inside, bracing herself for the sight of the body.

Having spent almost 7 years working as a home office pathologist, another few years as a forensic anthropologist, and much of her early qualified years working at a mortuary in Johannesburg, Nikki had become rather good at blocking out her emotions when looking at the lifeless body of yet another victim, but somehow, this case was different. Something about it haunted her; the child lying before her was so small, so defenceless, and although Nikki knew nothing about her, she did know that she hadn't deserved to die so horribly, and so young. Sighing, she knelt down beside the body, and began her initial examination.

The child lying before her looked to Nikki to be about 8 or 9 years old. There was a large, red-stained wound to the side of her head, which appeared to be the cause of death, and had clearly been caused by some foreign object slamming into her skull, possibly a rock, or some kind of heavy man-made object. The bone fragments visible on the wound suggested that the child's skull had been crashed in some kind of vicious attack, and the glassy look in her eyes caused by corneal clouding indicated that she had died quickly, thank god. Her body was cold, which meant that she had been dead for a while- a minimum of 2 hours, tying in with the police's theory that she had been on her way home from school.

"Got anything yet, Dr Alexander?" DCI Newman asked, leaning in a little too close for Nikki's liking as he did so. 3 months previously, she would have ignored him and not given it a second thought, but she was now in a very different mental state to the one she had been in all those months before. Before she knew what was happening, Nikki had jumped a mile, flinching away from the police inspector and leaning back against the tent as her hands flew to her mouth. She could feel her chest becoming tight and the simple act of breathing was starting to become more and more difficult. She was vaguely aware of DCI Newman calling her name, trying to pull her out of her trance, or panic attack, or whatever you wanted to call it, but it just didn't seem possible. She couldn't breathe. Oh god, she couldn't breathe…

"Nikki?" now a new voice was calling out to her, a female voice that sounded quite familiar. "Nikki, can you hear me?" Now someone was crouching in front of her, grasping her hands, and it was only then that she realized she was shaking.

"Can you give her some space?" the voice asked, and slowly the room began to swim back into focus. Janet, she realized; Janet was the person holding her hands, calming her down. She hadn't realized Janet had been called out to work on this case too.

"It's alright Nikki, it's alright," Janet was sitting next to her on the floor of the tent now, squeezing her hand as her breathing slowly returned to normal. Now she was no longer panicking and much more aware of what was going on around her, Nikki could hear the other people in the tent whispering amongst themselves, and knew that she was unlikely to live this one down. And Harry and Leo… god, Harry and Leo. They had only just begun to get off of her case. If they found out about this…

"Any better?" Janet asked her, and Nikki nodded quickly, now feeling incredibly embarrassed and wanting to escape as soon as physically possible.

"I'm fine, really. Thank you. I'm sorry, I don't-"

"Nikki, it's fine," Janet insisted, but Nikki could see the concern still etched on the older woman's face, and knew she wasn't getting away that easily. "It's fine; honestly, we all have our off-days. Are you more or less done here?"

Nikki nodded slightly, not entirely sure where this was going.

"Well, why don't we let the forensic team finish up here, and I'll take you home?" Janet suggested, gaging her face for a reaction. "Come on Nikki, Leo will kill me if I let you drive home, and there's nothing more you can do until the morning."

"You're not going to tell him, are you?" Nikki pleaded, accepting Janet's hand to pull her to her feet. "Leo, I mean. I've only just got him off my case, and I'm fine really, I…I…"

"But I'm not sure you are," Janet sighed, guiding Nikki through the park and back towards the exit. "I mean, what was all that about, huh? I'm a psychologist, remember? I know people don't react like that for no reason, Nikki."

"I'm dealing with it," Nikki protested, as she opened the passenger door of Janet's car and clambered in, leaning back against the seat with a sigh. "I am, really, but I can't talk about this, Janet. I just can't."

Janet glanced across at her friend as she started the car and pulled out of the parking space, unable to believe her words, no matter how much she wanted to.

"Who have you talked to about this, then?" she asked, and let out an involuntary groan when she saw the guilt pass across Nikki's face. "Nikki you've got to talk to someone, you might think you're coping fine on your own, but do you really call what happened just now coping? You don't have to talk to me, but you've got to talk to someone. Harry, maybe?" She knew how close the two of them were, and not just from what Leo had told her, either. Sometimes she wondered how such intelligent people could be so oblivious.

Nikki shook her head. "I can't. He wouldn't understand."

"Well, who else then? There must be someone else you can talk to."

Nikki began to shake her head once more, than stopped and nodded slightly, and Janet allowed herself to breathe again.

"I suppose there is someone," Nikki replied, so quietly that it was almost a whisper. "Martha, she was…" she paused, wondering how to explain Martha's role in the lives of both her and her family to someone who was not South African, who wouldn't necessarily understand. "She was someone who looked after me while my parents were out at work, when I was in South Africa." She smiled at the memory; her first proper smile in months. "She was almost like a second mother to me."

"Call her," Janet insisted, and Nikki knew from her tone that there was no room for negotiation. "You need someone to talk to, someone you feel incredibly close to. Tell you what; I'll make you a deal: you call Martha and talk to her about this, and I'll make sure Leo doesn't find out. Deal?"

"OK then, deal," Nikki agreed. How she was even going to begin to talk to Martha about this, she didn't know, but at the same time, she knew she was falling apart. Perhaps it would help, perhaps it wouldn't, but at least it would keep Leo and Harry off her case. And right now, amongst all the confusion inside her head, that was something that could only be welcomed.

**Was it OK guys? Please review! **


	16. Traumatic Truths

**OK, so here's the next one guys. It took me a while to write this because I don't want to give the game away just yet, but I didn't want to spoil it either, so I hope it's OK! Huge, huge hugs to timelove, gem.S, lizziginne, katie55555, savingthestars, emmaJ1996, gedauvan and tigpop for your amazing reviews, you guys really make my day and I'm so glad you're all enjoying this :) and to anyone who hasn't reviewed yet or for a while, please drop me a line and let me know if you're still enjoying :) The more reviews I get, the faster I write!**

**And btw, if any of you want to see the most beautiful place in the entire world, and the part of Cape Town I imagine Nikki grew up in, then type 'Three anchor bay, Cape Town' into google earth, and you'll see what I mean! It's absolute heaven out there :) **

**R&r please guys, Flossiexx**

**PS slight spoilers for a Guilty Mind, if you haven't seen it yet**

**Chapter 15**

**Traumatic Truths**

**Tuesday 26th April 2011**

**-2.34pm**

Nikki Alexander yawned slightly, rolled over and buried herself under the duvet, realizing that there was no chance of her getting back to sleep. She knew she must have slept for most of the afternoon; she remembered falling asleep on the sofa the evening before, after a long fight to get Naomi Silverlake to leave her in peace. Harry had come to check on her the next morning; she remembered- this morning- and had promised to come back later. So she had probably woken up in between visits, she reasoned. But wait… she could sense the presence of someone else in the room; someone sitting to her right, a short distance away, and suddenly she felt her body tense up in fear.

'This is so stupid, you're not in any danger', she tried to tell herself, but her head just wasn't listening.

'How do you know Bai hasn't come back?' a cold, harsh voice taunted her, and even though Nikki knew it was just her mind playing tricks on her, she couldn't shake it off. 'How do you know he hasn't come back to finish what he started? You don't Nikki, you don't know.' You don't ever know if you're safe anymore, do you?'

Unable to bear it anymore, Nikki opened her eyes and propped herself up in bed on her right elbow so she was facing the couch beneath her bedroom window- and found herself staring into the unwanted eyes of Naomi Silverlake.

"What are you doing here?" she gasped, desperately trying to work out how Naomi could have gotten into her flat. Maybe she had found the spare key? Oh god, that must be it. What on earth had she been thinking when she had decided to hide the spare key in such an obvious place? Anyone could have found it… and Bai could find it, if she left it there again. She was going to have to give up on leaving a spare key outside her flat; it was clearly a safety risk.

"I've been looking after you," Naomi replied simply, her voice flat and emotionless. It was at that point that she looked down at herself, overcome by a sudden chill, and realized she was naked, covered only by the bedclothes. But she had no recollection of getting changed.

"Where are my clothes?" Nikki exclaimed, horrified, and Naomi stared back at her like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I took them off," she explained, and Nikki recoiled, pulling the duvet up around herself in horror.

"You took them off?" she was aiming to sound angry, but her voice appeared to be more afraid than fierce.

"You were sleeping in your work clothes!" Naomi protested. "I wanted you to be comfortable, don't you remember?"

But Nikki didn't remember, and that was only adding to her distress. The world was beginning to spin once more, and she silently cursed herself for being so weak, for letting something that had been over for more than 3 months continue to affect her.

"There's nothing to be frightened of," insisted Naomi, as Nikki shrunk back under the duvet, curling against the headboard.

"I mean," She continued, "You shouldn't be frightened of me, I'm not going to hurt you, but you know you really should see a doctor?"

And as she uttered those words, Nikki's blood ran cold. "What do you mean?" she asked, her voice shaking.

"Oh, you must have noticed?" Naomi questioned, with a hint of amusement in her voice, and Nikki began to hate her even more.

"You haven't?" Naomi laughed. "Oh, for goodness sakes Nikki, you're supposed to be a doctor, you're supposed to be medically trained, you're supposed to be clever! How on earth could you have not noticed? Good job I'm here to point it out to you, isn't it? Trust me Nikki; you need to see a doctor, and you need to start looking after yourself. I mean it, go and see a doctor."

And suddenly Nikki realized what Naomi was talking about. God, how could she have not noticed? 'Because you didn't want to notice,' the voice inside her head informed her. 'Because you've been on a self-destruct mission for months, even if it hasn't been an intentional one. You haven't been eating, you haven't been sleeping, and you haven't noticed this. God, you idiot Nikki, you haven't noticed this.'

It was at that point that Harry entered the room, having arrived to check up on her, and for the first time since she had woken up, Nikki felt safe once more. She collapsed into his arms, begging him to help her, not caring that Naomi was watching, because nothing mattered anymore. Because she understood what Naomi meant now, and if she was right, then nothing would ever be the same again. Bai would have scarred her for life and left behind a heap of open wounds that could never heal, and normal life would be completely impossible. And so, as she clung to Harry with all the strength she could muster as if as long as she held on to him nothing more could go wrong, and Harry told her gently that he and Leo thought it would be a good idea for her to see a local psychologist- someone Leo had seen around the time of Theresa and Cassie's deaths, Nikki didn't even bother to argue. Normally she would strongly oppose the very idea of seeing a psychologist, but not today, not after Naomi's bombshell. At this stage, she was willing to try anything that might help.

But the visit to Dr Banks- the psychologist- didn't help in the slightest, and if anything, it left Nikki feeling even more alone and afraid than before. She knew it was her own fault; after all, she hadn't exactly cooperated during her appointment. Perhaps if she had told the truth about how she was feeling, and most importantly, why she was feeling that way, then Dr Banks would have been able to help her, but she hadn't been able to talk about it. She had taken the SSRIs she had been prescribed for her 'depression', but had let Dr Banks's comment 'you may be depressed, but you haven't forgotten who you are' wash over her. Because she wasn't depressed, not really, and she knew it. She was just severely traumatized, and so much so that she wouldn't let anyone help her.

She didn't go to the doctor either, even though she knew the risk she was taking by doing so. She couldn't face it; the look of pity she knew would be present in some poor doctor's eyes when they examined her and put the pieces together. Naomi was right in her initial diagnosis, Nikki had worked that much out for herself now she knew what to look for, but unless Naomi was a much better doctor than herself and had spotted something that Nikki hadn't noticed, then medical attention would be necessary eventually, but was not urgent. Leaving it another month or so wouldn't be catastrophic, and although she knew it could possibly lead to problems, in her current state Nikki didn't care. She wasn't ready to face this yet, and she was determined to do anything and everything to avoid confronting it on the head, no matter how hard her heart screamed that this was a bad, bad idea.


	17. A letter to Martha

**I'm experimenting with a different style of writing for this one guys. I don't think I'm going to make it a regular thing, but it seemed the best way to approach the theme of this chapter. This fic is probably going to start moving much more quickly from here on in, so this chapter kind of sets the scene for what's to come. Sorry it's not hugely long, but I didn't want to ruin it by making it go on for ever. And I have a Harry/Nikki chapter coming up very soon that I'm hoping will make up for it :) We didn't really get told much about Nikki's relationship with Martha in Home last year, so I've developed most of her character myself. Hope you like ;)**

**Thank you thank you thank you to gem.S, savingthestars, lizziginne, tigpop and emmaJ1996 for your reviews- them and this story are what's keeping me sane atm, so please do keep them coming! I found out today that my gymnastics accident is the worst they have ever had at my gym club, which I suppose is kinda cool, but it's hard to see it that way when your belly is so swollen you look pregnant :( anyway, the point is please keep the reviews coming guys, and if you haven't reviewed yet then please press that button NOW! :)**

**Love you all, Flossiexx**

**Chapter 16**

**A letter to Martha**

**Saturday 30th April 2011**

**Dear Martha, **

I know I haven't been in touch for a while- I'm ashamed to admit I've been avoiding your calls, but then I guess you already know that. I'm so, so sorry Martha, I really am. It must have reminded you of when I left for England, when I promised and promised to write to you but then never even sent you a postcard. I'm so sorry, but I swear, I didn't forget about you. It's no excuse, I know, but I haven't exactly been having the best time lately, and the more I think about it, the more I realize I've been withdrawing from everyone, not just you. And I owe you an explanation.

The trouble is, I still find it impossibly difficult to talk about it- what happened, I mean- and I can't quite decide whether it's worse to write it down or say it out loud. Letters take about a week to reach Cape Town from here, so it would be much, much quicker to just phone you, but I can't bring myself to say the words. You're the only person I feel I can really talk to about this, but I feel bad for burdening you with it. You shouldn't have to deal with all the rubbish and confusion that exists in my head at the moment, but I desperately want to talk to someone, and I'm afraid that someone is you. That's why I'm writing this letter to you before I tell you what the last 3 months have been like; I feel like you should be given a warning. I don't want all this to come flooding out without you having any idea that it's coming.

You probably don't have a clue what I'm rambling on about, do you? I don't blame you- even I don't seem to understand what's going on inside my head anymore. But as I'm writing this, it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that this really isn't the kind of conversation we should be having over the phone. This is the sort of thing I should talk to you about face to face, and the sort of thing you should be able to tell me to shut up about if you don't want to hear it, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

I'm due a week off the month after next, and if I beg Leo I think I can probably extend it to two. Can I come and stay with you? Please. I wouldn't ask, I'd find a hotel or stay with a friend of mine, but I don't like being on my own anymore, and I'm worried about how the friend-Sara- would react to the state I seem to be in at the moment. Not that I'm falling apart- please don't worry about me- it's just that I can't be myself all the time, and she won't be prepared for that. And Sara (I think I've told you about Sara before, the pathologist who trained me out here after I left university) has this idea in her head that I'm strong and independent and would never let myself get into a state like this, so I don't really want to prove her wrong. I'm happy to sleep on the floor! No, on a serious note, I just want to see you, Martha. I just want to come home for a while, and I just want the pain to stop.

It seems like a strange place to end a letter, but I don't think there's really much more I can say, at least for now. Hopefully I'll see you in person in June- I'll call you to let you know when, but please Martha, don't mention any of this on the phone, OK? Save it for when we can talk face to face, and I promise I'll tell you everything.

**Love, always,**

**Nikki xx**

**I'm not sure if the font is going to work... I found a font on word that looked exactly how I imagined Nikki's handwriting to be, so I thought I'd give it a go :) hope it worked!**


	18. Progress at Last

**It's a nice long one for you today guys :) this one's going to reveal a bit about who Bai is, as I know you've all been speculating! There's still a lot more that Nikki knows about him that no one else does though, and that's going to come out over the next few chapters. Keep letting me know what you think the connection is between Bai and Nikki, I love knowing what you think :)**

**Big hugs to timelove, gem.S, emmaJ1996, lizziginne, tigpop and savingthestars for you're lovely reviews, I really appreciate them and please do keep them coming! As you all liked the letter in the last chapter, and at the request of my little sister, I'm writing Martha's reply up as a letter too, which I think will either be the next chapter or the one after that. So all you guys who took the time to review and Clementina, that one'll be for you ;)**

**Enjoy, and please please review!**

**Flossie xx**

**Chapter 17**

**Progress at Last**

**Wednesday 4th May 2011**

**-12.42pm**

"I think we're finally getting somewhere!" DCI page announced excitedly, as he practically skipped into Harry and Nikki's office, and Nikki caught her best friend stuffing his hand over his mouth in an attempt to stop himself from sniggering.

It had been a while since the pathologists had seen DCI Page, given that the phoenix case had more or less hit a dead end. The families of the 3 victims, Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle, had all admitted to being originally from North Korea, but nothing unusual had been found in their story as to how they had ended up in London. The three families claimed to have known each other vaguely in their hometown in North Korea, and to have been hit hard by a famine in late 2008. They had heard of an escape route to China through the Tumen River, and one day the situation became so bad that they couldn't take it anymore. So the families swam across the river to Musan in China, where they had lived for a few months, doing odd jobs in order to make enough money to survive- money is virtually worthless in North Korea and many survive without it.

Once they had made enough money, the Song, Kim and Yu families had travelled across China to Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia. Unlike in China, the South Korean Embassy of Mongolia is permitted to accept North Korean defectors, and so getting caught by the border guards while passing into Mongolia, as the families of the phoenix victims did, is practically a free plane ticket to Seoul, the South Korean capital. Once the families arrived in South Korea, things had gone very much as Alice Chen had described back in January: they had claimed their South Korean citizenships, spent 2 months in Hanawon, the refugee camp designed to re-educate North Koreans and help them adapt to life in South Korea, and had then graduated from Hanawon complete with a start-up grant to help them build their new lives.

But the families had decided to have a completely fresh start, somewhere new entirely, and so they had moved halfway across the world in 2009, and the rest, the pathologists and police team already knew. Somehow, Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle had ended up in a shooting in a London shopping centre and had been killed, all with the same mysterious tattoo on their forearm; a phoenix rising from a blazing fire.

"We've got a new lead!" DCI Page spoke again, looking the most excited Harry and Nikki had ever seen a police officer look on duty. "Michelle Yu's older brother- Robert Yu- he came by the police station earlier, saying he had some information related to the case that his parents had refused to give us back in January. I told him to drop by here at around 1ish, if that's OK with you?"

"1ish?" Harry repeated, glancing at his watch. "OK, but how long is this going to take? Nikki and I haven't had our lunch-break yet, you know!"

"It's fine, though!" Nikki added quickly, avoiding Harry's gaze as she knew he would be giving her a deathly glare for insisting that their lunch could wait until later. She could feel her stomach rumbling and every ounce of common sense she had within her was telling her that she needed to eat. But the mere thought of food had repulsed her ever since that night in January, even though she knew that she needed to be eating properly now more than ever. She was still putting off the inevitable doctors' visit, and now her mind was even beginning to convince her that she didn't need to. She was a trained doctor after all, so surely she could treat herself? And besides, Nikki knew what she was dealing with, and she knew that she had at least a few more months before any action would be needed, whether it was action taken by her or actions taken by a specialist. She'd studied this at medical school; she wasn't wrong. She couldn't be wrong.

"Professor Dalton, Dr Cunningham, Dr Alexander, this is Robert Yu, Michelle's brother," DCI Page announced as he led the teenager into the conference room. Robert nodded at the pathologists before taking a seat at the opposite end of the table, and Harry did not fail to notice the haunted look in his eyes; the same as that worn by all of the parents of the teenage phoenix victims. Clearly life in North Korea was not something you got over in a hurry.

"Robert didn't come forward to speak to us at the time of his sister's death because he was worried about the reaction of his parents," DCI Page explained. "Now though, almost 4 months on from the shooting and we still have no idea who the gunman could be, Robert has decided to tell us the real story as to how his family left North Korea, and how they ended up living in London." He turned back to Robert, who was staring at the table. "Take your time."

It was a few moments before Robert began to speak. "I don't know how much you know about life in North Korea," he began slowly, his voice shaking as he formed the words, and his accent barely understandable, but his actual grasp of his second language surprisingly good considering he had only been living in England for a little over 2 years.

"It's difficult to explain, especially to people from a country as rich as this. In some parts of North Korea- the parts they let foreigners visit- I don't think life is that much different to that in other oriental countries, on the surface at least. It's in the cities far from Pyongyang, the capital, that life is hard. Food is scarce, hygiene is often non-existent, many people don't have access to the simple things they need to survive, and yet our government teaches us that we are the richest country in the world. My people are taught to think of our great leaders like gods; we are taught to believe and to trust, but never to question. When the food began to run out, first we were told that South Korea was on the verge of collapse, and that we were stockpiling so we could feed the thousands of starving South Koreans who would be our responsibility when our countries were reunited as one once more. A few months later they told us the Americans were blocking the roads, preventing food from being transported across the country. Now of course, now we're out of North Korea, my family and I know that all the stories they told us were lies, but at the time, we believed because we had to. In North Korea, believing is the only way of surviving."

Nikki shifted uncomfortably in her seat as Robert spoke, remembering the last time she had been told this story. A few months ago, she had known relatively little about the situation in North Korea, but now it seemed that it was all she ever thought about. No matter how hard she tried to think about something else, the same question kept running through her mind over and over again. 'If it hadn't been for all the terrible things Bai had seen during famine in North Korea, would he have turned out quite so evil?'

"I'm telling you all this because you need to understand what life's like out there," Robert Yu continued. "The stuff my sister got mixed up in- it wouldn't really happen over here, and you wouldn't necessarily understand."

"Then help us to," Leo told him gently, sensing the young man's distress as he remembered. "Tell us how it started."

"It started with the famine in the 1990s, I guess" Robert sighed. "I don't know- I don't remember. Up until then my family believed all the propaganda the government threw at us, because we had no reason not to. We valued our great leader, Kim Il-sung, as a god; we thought that he was immortal, that he would protect us from harm. Then he died in 1994, and everything changed. I think that was when people started to doubt the government, after all, if a god could die, then anything could happen. The food situation just got worse and worse from that point; rice, our only staple food, became only available on the black market, despite the point of communism being that everything you need is provided to you by the state. There were even some cases of cannibalism, and as we entered the 21st century it just got worse and worse. Many people had stopped believing the government's lies and wanted change, but were too scared to admit it. Bad things happen to those who don't believe in North Korea; that's how a communist state works.

"Then one day- and I don't know exactly when this was, as the North Korean calendar begins at the birth of Kim Il-sung, not the birth of Christ like the western one- my sister Michelle came home with that damned tattoo on her arm."

"The phoenix tattoo?" DCI Page asked, picking up his pen. He had looked positively bored throughout Robert's speech about life in North Korea, as though he had better things to do than pity those less fortunate than himself, but now he was poised, pen at the ready, waiting for the crucial details that could help him solve his case.

"Yes," Robert confirmed. "She showed me long before my parents found out, but she made me promise not to tell anyone. Michelle said she had joined a society, 피닉스 사회'pinigseu sahoe', or 'the phoenix movement' in English. She said she'd met one of their members at the black market while searching for cheap food, and that he'd singled her out because she looked like 'someone who had seen the light.' He told her that the Phoenix Movement was a group who helped North Koreans escape to begin better lives in other countries, and gave food to starving families in the villages, but the group's ultimate aim was to overthrow the government and establish democracy in our country. They'd marked her with their symbol to show her commitment to the group, because apparently once you agree to join the Phoenix Movement, you're a member for life."

"So this group was planning on overthrowing the Kim dynasty?" Harry repeated, unable to believe what he was hearing. "How on earth were they going to do that?"

"I don't know," Robert admitted. "Michelle offered to take me to one of their meetings, so I could join them, but I didn't want to. I knew getting into trouble would be fatal. But Michelle wouldn't listen, and over time she became more and more obsessed with the Phoenix Movement. From what little she was allowed to tell me about what the group got up to, I think she was deemed too young to get involved with the rebellion side of things, she mostly helped smuggle other North Korean families across the Tumen River into China; that was how she met Joshua Song and Eun-mei Kim. Then one day she ran home screaming, saying that someone was coming for us, and we had to leave. She told our parents about the Phoenix Movement then, she had to, and she said that a member of the group had just been found to be a spy, working for someone high-up in the government. He'd given her name as one heavily involved with the escape route out of North Korea, and now the government was sending troops to kill us all, to shock the other members of the Phoenix Movement to stop their mission to take over the government. My parents didn't believe her, but then a neighbour came running from the city, saying that a group of soldiers were asking for our family. We were scared, we were starving, and we were sick of life in North Korea, so we ran. We ran to the border, where we met the Song and Kim families, and Joshua, Eun-mei and Michelle helped us cross the Tumen River into China. You know the rest from my parents. They made us all promise never to breathe a word to anyone about Michelle's involvement with the Phoenix Movement, out of fear that whoever was after Michelle would find us and finish us off for good."

"So you left North Korea because of this group?" DCI Page said. "And do you know if your sister, Joshua or Eun-mei could have become involved with the Phoenix Movement again, since they left North Korea?"

"I had my suspicions," Robert nodded. "I found some letters in Michelle's room a few days before she died, letters that she'd clearly received recently, and that she didn't want me to see. They were written in another language that I didn't recognise, but I did recognise the signature at the end; it was a name I'd heard Michelle, Joshua and Eun-mei whispering a few times back in Chongjin. I think he was one of the leaders of the Phoenix Movement. You can't send letters out of North Korea anymore, so if it was the same man sending letters to Michelle in January, he must be out of North Korea himself now, possibly here in England."

"OK," DCI Page nodded, looking up from his notebook, of which he had just filled several pages. "So what was his name, this man?"

And it was at that point that Nikki curled up on her chair and dug her fingernails into her arms, trying desperately to control herself. Because she knew exactly what Robert Yu was going to say next, even if she'd never heard his story before. She had heard a similar version back in January, and as she felt something roll in her stomach and she fought back the urge to throw up the remains of that night that still clung to her insides then and there, Robert spoke once more, and she realized in that moment that it would be months before she could escape from that name at work, at home, or indeed anywhere she went .

"His name was Bai, I think. Bai Lưu."

And with that, Nikki's world crumbled.


	19. And a letter to Nikki

**Here's the next one :) This is Martha's reply to Nikki's letter, because I just couldn't resist, and next up, Harry tries to cheer Nikki up… Hugs to savingthestars, tigpop, emmaJ1996, gem.S and Lizziginne for your awesome reviews, I couldn't do this without you guys :) And thank you also to everyone who has subscribed, but please could you leave me a review too? Pretty please? The more reviews I get, the quicker the next chapter will be up!**

**And emmaJ1996, all I'm saying at this point is that someone who has reviewed this so far is on the right lines, but I'm not telling you who! ;) really glad you're enjoying this though, keep speculating (I love knowing what you guys think will happen!) and all will be revealed very very soon!**

**Florencia xxxx**

**Chapter 18**

**And a letter to Nikki**

_**Sunday 8**__**th**__** May 2011**_

_**Dear Nikki,**_

You really are impossible, you know that? How you can send me a letter like that and tell me, and I quote 'please don't worry about me', I do not know. But I'm not angry with you my darling, not in the slightest. I'm just worried about you, and sad that it's taken you this long to tell me there's something wrong.

It sounds to me like you have got yourself into a right mess, and you can deny it all you like, but I know you too well Nikki Alexander. So I'm going to tell you where we go from here, OK? Because I know what you're like missy, and you won't ask for help until it's way too late. But that's OK, you know. That's my job, to stop you falling over the edge, to help you find your way when you're lost; like a lighthouse on a stormy night at sea. So here's what you're going to do, angel.

First off, you're going to go to Leo, and you're going to ask for 2 weeks off in June. Tell him it's me who's got the problem if that makes it easier, I don't mind. Tell him whatever it takes to persuade him to give you the time off. When you've got some dates, you're going to book a flight home as early as you can get, and then you're going to phone me and tell me when you're coming over, OK? And I'll have a bed ready for you, don't you worry. You do make me laugh, you know that? As if I'd make you sleep on the floor!

So, you're going to come over here in June and I'm going to help you with whatever it is that's happened, but we still need an action plan for the meantime. I know you say that you're fine most of the time, but I know what you're like, and I know that you don't want me to worry. You're like your mother like that; you'd tell me you were fine even if you were lying on your death bed.

So is there really no one you can talk to in your part of the world? What about that nice pathologist, the one who works with you whom you're always telling me about? Harry. Can't you talk to Harry? Not that I'm not willing to listen, of course I am, but I'm just worried about how you're going to cope for the time being. June's still a whole month away Niks, and I'm getting the impression that you need someone to rely on now. Talk to Harry, and if you can't tell him what's wrong, then at least spend some time with him, take your mind off things. You said in your letter that you've been withdrawing from everyone, but that is not going to help you, angel. What is going to help you now is having lots of people you trust and who know how to make you smile around you, to take your mind off things. Tell Harry I said he has got to look after you for me, or else he will have me to answer to!

And call me, won't you? We don't have to talk about this, whatever this is. You can just talk about normal stuff, like we used to. You know you can tell me anything, don't you Niks? No matter what's happened, whatever you've done, however bad you're feeling, I'll always be here, ready to listen. You're not a little girl anymore Niks and I can't promise to make everything better like I did back then, but I'll always try my hardest. Always remember that, won't you? And always remember that I may not be your mother, but I love you, unconditionally. No matter what's happened, I'm always here.

Look after yourself my darling, and let me know when you're coming to visit,

_**All my love, Martha xxx**_


	20. The enlightenment of daily life

**So here's the next one guys :) And I'm going to start by saying… a HUGE thank you to everyone who's been reviewing this, you guys are seriously amazing and I'm so glad you're enjoying reading. And we're now on 91 reviews! So please please please can we make it up to 100 before I upload the next chapter? That would be incredible! Please guys, keep reading and reviewing, and let's try to get to 100!**

**And I'm so glad you guys liked Martha! To everyone who mentioned liking her in their reviews, just for you I have written her into an upcoming chapter, and she's going to feature again in a few chapters time… but I'm not telling you how just yet! And emmaJ1996- if you want a clue, let's just say that the fact the character mentioned in the prologue shares her name with 2 other characters is no coincidence… and there are more clues to come in the next chapter…**

**Enjoy this one guys, and please r&r!**

**Love you all, Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 19**

**The enlightenment of daily life**

_Well you'd gone done me and you bet I felt it,_

_I tried to be chilled but you're so hot that I melted,_

_I fell right through the cracks, and now I'm trying to get back,_

_Before the cool done run out I'll be giving it my bestest,_

_And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention,_

_So I reckon it's again my turn, to win some and learn some._

_And I won't hesitate no more, no more,_

_It cannot wait, I'm yours._

_Well, open up your mind and see like me, _

_Open up your plans and then you're free,_

_Just take a look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love,_

_So listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing,_

_We're like one big family, _

_And it's our god-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved, loved._

_So I won't hesitate no more, no more,_

_It cannot wait, I'm sure,_

_There's no need to complicate, our time is short,_

_This is our fate, I'm yours._

_I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror,_

_And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer,_

_But my breath fogged up the glass, so I drew a new face and I laughed,_

_So I guess what I be saying is there ain't no better reason,_

_To rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons,_

_It's what we aim to do, and our name is our virtue._

_So I won't hesitate no more, no more,_

_It cannot wait, I'm sure,_

_There's no need to complicate, our time is short,_

_This is our fate, I'm yours._

_I'm yours, Jason Mraz_

**Saturday 7th May 2011**

**-11.32am**

"Nikki, come on! I know you're in there! I keep telling you to get the taps in there fixed; you can hear them a mile off, dead give-away!" Harry shouted through the letterbox to his best friend's flat. It was the weekend after Robert Yu's visit to the Lyell Centre, and Harry was worried that Nikki was on another downward spiral. She had got better for a while after the Silverlake case back in April; Leo had mentioned that she had been put on anti-depressants, and they had seemed to be working. Looking back, Harry realized she had never quite gone back to normal, but she had at least been much better. But somewhere over the course of the past week he had lost her again, and yesterday she had almost seemed worse than she had back in January. She had been withdrawn, reluctant to talk even about the simplest of things, and she was starting to look painfully thin, though she was doing her best to hide it by wearing a variety of loose tunic-style tops, Harry knew her too well to be fooled. And as for sleep, Harry couldn't remember the last time he had seen her looking fully awake and refreshed. Something was definitely wrong, and Harry's previous approach of just looking out for his best friend, trying to get her to open up and then giving up and trusting her to sort herself out clearly wasn't working, so he had decided that the time had come to try a different approach.

"Nikki, please?" he called again, "I would have let myself in, but you've moved the spare key! You're not getting rid of me Nikki, so either you let me in or I stay out here all day! Which one will it be?"

Inside the flat, Nikki sighed and clambered out of bed, wrapping her dressing gown loosely around herself as she made her way to the door. She didn't think she'd had as much as an hour of sleep all night, and she hadn't been planning on getting out of bed for a long while yet. But it was clear that Harry wasn't giving up, and she knew that if she didn't let him in, he would start rubbing the neighbours up the wrong way soon enough. Like last time.

Harry was just examining the door frame to see whether it would be possible to kick it open (he had done it before a few weeks ago, but it hadn't been double locked and bolted then, and he wasn't sure even he was strong enough to get past Nikki's recent security drive) when the door itself began to open slowly, and he found himself face-to-face with his best friend.

"Are the taps really that loud?" she asked, with the ghost of a smile on her face.

"Oh yes, dreadfully loud," Harry replied, grinning back at her before pulling her into a hug. "And what," he continued "Are you still doing in your pyjamas on a fine day like today, Dr Alexander? Have you not seen the time?"

But Nikki just groaned and rested her head on his chest, still standing in the doorway as her eyes began to close.

"So what?" she moaned softly. "Harry, I'm tired."

"Hey, are you not going to invite me in?" Harry protested, pulling her upright as he did so. "And anyway, tired or not, it's time for you to get up. I'm taking you out for the day- well, what's left of it."

"Harry, as much as I would love to, I really don't think I'm going to be the best company today," Nikki yawned, allowing herself to be steered back into her flat. "I just want to sleep, and I'm not in the mood for looking around another airhead museum or wherever it is you're planning on taking me."

"You wound me Nikki," Harry declared dramatically, another grin breaking across his face in an attempt to cheer her up. "And anyway, I'm not taking you to another delightful aircraft museum, I'm taking you for a picnic down the park; this weather's too good to miss. And you can't say no, because I've already prepared the food and bought a packet of ridiculously expensive smoked salmon that I don't even like just because I happen to know it's your favourite, so unless you want me to spend the afternoon eating fish sandwiches down the local park with only the statue of good old Prince Albert for company, then I suggest you go and have a shower, get changed, and be ready to go on a picnic with your best friend in approximately 30 minutes."

And for the first time in what seemed like years to Harry, Nikki Alexander glanced up at him, smiled, and promptly dissolved into giggles.

"I'll take that as a 'yes' then!" Harry called after her as she disappeared into her bedroom, and he knew he had won the battle. She was coming on a picnic with him like it or not, and he was going to remind her how to smile, even if it took him all afternoon.

**-1.28pm**

"Are you eating that or dissecting it?" Harry asked his friend later at the park. The two of them were lounging across Harry's bright green picnic blanket on a grassy stretch towards the centre of Kensington Gardens, oblivious to the world around them. In some ways the picnic idea seemed to have done the trick; Harry had heard Nikki laugh more in the past hour that he had in over 3 months, but she still wasn't right. There was something different about her, he mused, but he just couldn't put his finger on it.

"A little of both," Nikki replied, nibbling at the corner of the smoked salmon sandwich she had spent the last few minutes ripping to shreds.

"Well please don't dissect it, it was bloody expensive," Harry responded. "I know you're hopelessly dedicated to your work Dr Alexander, but even for you, this is taking it a bit too far."

Nikki lapsed into giggles and collapsed back onto the picnic blanket, staring up at the sky.

"Maybe it is," she agreed through her laughter, the sandwich lying forgotten at the corner of the blanket as Harry lay down next to her.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't we do this more often?"

We, did, Harry thought to himself. We did, but you've been a nervous wreck for the past few months, and you kept turning me down.

"I don't know, Nikki. But we'll have to," he promised, folding his arms behind his head and staring up at the sky.

"Elephant," he announced.

Nikki looked at him like he had finally gone crackers.

"Oh come on, you must have played this game before!" said Harry, laughing at the expression of pure bewilderment on her face. "Everyone plays this at some point during their childhood, it's practically a rite of passage! And I can't believe there are no clouds in South Africa. Elephant," he stated again, pointing to a jagged cloud in the sky above them that vaguely resembled an elephant.

"Oh!" her eyes lit up, and she leaned back, gazing up at the sky for a moment.

"Panda," she responded finally.

"What? Where?"

Nikki took his hand and pointed it up at the sky.

"Panda? Are you kidding me? More like a polar bear."

And as she started to giggle again, hope stirred in Harry's heart. Because she still wasn't back to normal, but they were getting there. They would get there eventually. Together.

_So I won't hesitate no more, no more,_

_It cannot wait, I'm sure,_

_There's no need to complicate, our time is short,_

_This is our fate, I'm yours._

**Hope that was OK :) Sorry about the song, it just seemed to fit the mood so well, and I couldn't resist ;) Now PLEASE press the review button and make my day and I'll love you forever!**


	21. Lost in her Secret

**I'm in a really generous mood today guys, so I thought I'd let you have this now :) And because I want to get to 100 reviews by midnight- can we make that happen? Please? **

**This chapter picks up on the storyline from Luo ye gui gen, and you're going to be given a few clues in this one! I'm uploading the next chapter at the same time, so you can read this, and then go and get your H/N dosage straight away! **

**Big thank you to the usual gang tigpop, gem.S, savingthestars, lizziginne, gevaudan and emmaJ1996 for your amazing reviews- so glad you liked the H/N fluff! The next few chapters are a bit darker I'm afraid, but there's still more fluff to come, promise!**

**Enjoy and review (especially if you haven't yet/for a while, and if you're one of my regulars too, I couldn't do this without you!)**

**Chapter 20**

**Lost in her Secret**

**Year of the Rooster**

**-Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town**

The road we are driving down now is long and narrow, and runs alongside the beach. The street itself is separated from the sand by a long line of palm trees, acting like a fence, and the other side of the road is lined with a terrace of multi-coloured shops and houses in every colour under the sun, the pavements swarming with people and the road overcrowded with other cars. The ocean beyond the fence of palm trees looks so cool and refreshing that I just want to jump out of the taxi and run right in, but I know they'll be other days for going to the beach.

We reach a junction and turn off to the right, away from the cheerful atmosphere of the beach and towards what resembles to me a mess of jagged white shapes. Only as we get closer do I realise that we're on a housing estate. The houses themselves are all different shapes and sizes, squashed together with barely an inch of green grass between them and with stretches of dull grey concrete in the place of a front garden. It's hardly the natural paradise I had hoped for.

Our taxi stops outside one of the slightly more normal-shaped whitewashed houses, and Dad hands over a bundle of grey bank notes to the taxi driver. Then the two of us climb out of the vehicle and retrieve our luggage from the boot, before progressing up the driveway towards the house, which I'm guessing belongs to Dad's friend. But instead of knocking on the door, Dad reaches under the doormat and pulls out a small silver key, before placing it in the lock and opening the front door.

"Victor called me before we left to say he's out of town for a few days," Dad explains. "He'll be back by Wednesday, I think. Come on." And he picks up our suitcases and pushes me ahead of him through the doorway.

The first thing I notice about Victor's house is that it's in dire need of a good clean. The small coffee table perched randomly in the middle of the hall is coated with a thick layer of dust, the once-white paint is greying and peeling of the walls, and the carpet is muddy, worn and tattered in several places. There are a number of door frames leading off from the long, thin hallway, but very few actually have a door in them, and the doors that are there are made of a thin, cracked wood that looks as if they could give you a handful of splinters if you as much as looked at them. The walls are bare, save for a scattering of photo frames, which all seem to contain pictures of the same three people, but I daren't stop and look, not wanting to linger for too long, and aware that my dad is hurrying me along from behind.

"Go upstairs," Dad instructs me, gesturing to the staircase. "Take your bags up with you, get settled in. You're going to be in the room to the right of the bathroom I think; you'll find it. It used to be Victor's daughter's room, so there's still a name plaque on the door, you'll know which one it is."

"Can't you come up with me?" I ask, glancing at the staircase in front of me. The whole house has a strange, haunted feel to it, and I'm not sure I want to be going anywhere on my own.

And then, suddenly, there's a knock at the door, and both of us freeze.

"I mean it, Hong-hanh," Dad says, his voice rising slightly in pitch. "Upstairs. Now."

I obey him, but only because I don't want to get into trouble. When I reach the top of the stairs I stop, pausing to look back through the railings in order to see what's going on. Dad has opened the door, and a small, old oriental woman is making her way inside. She and Dad are whispering to one another, too quiet for me to hear, and soon they have disappeared out of sight into the kitchen. Sighing, and knowing that I'm not going to find out anything else just now, I trudge across the landing, heading for the door to the right of the bathroom. There are an assortment of pink and purple letters pinned to the door, just as Dad had said, spelling out the words 'Nicola's room'. I frown at them slightly for a moment, certain I've been here before, that I recognise this, but the feeling of déjà vu passes almost as quickly as it came. I hear raised voices coming from downstairs- Dad and the old woman are shouting at one another in a language I don't understand, and sighing, I push open the door and step inside, not wanting to get caught up in whatever they're fighting about. I've done that one time too many.

The inside of the room seems vaguely familiar too; I'm sure I've seen the butterflies painted across the walls before, and the view out onto the tangled jungle of a garden seems like something from a dream. As for the room itself, everything is covered with a thick layer of dust, like no one has been in here in a long time, since Victor's daughter Nicola left, maybe. But if I've been here before, then perhaps I was the last person in this room?

A knock on the door distracts me from my thoughts, and I turn around, expecting to find my Dad standing behind me. But it's not him; it's the old woman from downstairs. Up close, I can see now something that I didn't pick up on before: a strange, haunted look in her eyes. Regret. Guilt. God only knows what she's done, but it must have been something pretty bad.

The woman looks at me for a moment, studying my face, and then a broad smile spreads across her face.

"Celin?" she asks, speaking in Vietnamese. "Celin, is that you?"

"N-no," I stammer, confused. I think I recognise her vaguely, but I'm not sure. "No, my name's Hong-hanh. I'm not Celin."

"But you're Bai's daughter?" the woman asks, frowning. "He's just been telling me all about you, among other things. You're Bai's daughter, from Saigon?"

"Yes, I'm Lưu Bai's daughter, and I'm from Saigon," I confirm, now thoroughly confused. "But my name's not Celin, it's Lưu Hong-hanh."

"Victor calls you Celin," the woman replies, her voice trembling now. She's scaring me. "He always has. He…" she cuts off, and only then do I realize she's crying. "He doesn't know about this. I don't want to do it, you know, but I have to. If I don't, they'll kill me."

"What do you mean? What are you going to do? Who's going to kill you?" I ask, but no sooner have the words left my mouth, I'm being pulled to the ground and held against the wooden floor. The Vietnamese woman is lying across me holding me down, with one hand clamped over my mouth and the other fumbling in her pocket as I struggle to break free.

"Don't scream," she whispers softly, holding up her right hand for me to see. She's gripping a small kitchen knife, her hand shaking. "The louder you scream, the harder this will be for both of us. I'm sorry, but I have to do this, you know. It's the reason you were born, Celin. It's the reason you were born."

**OK, proceed to the next one guys :) And gevaudan, thank you for thinking of me, I'm feeling much better thanks, but I still can't walk and my abdominal wound isn't healing too well :( but never mind, and of course, you guys can all cheer me up by reviewing this!**

**Flossiexx**


	22. Battles and Bloodlines

**Hope you enjoyed the last chapter! I'm a bit addicted to this at the moment, hence the 3 new chapters in a day, but I'm also a bit addicted to your amazing reviews ;) enjoy this one and please leave me some more feedback- you have no idea how happy they make me! :)**

**Hope the last one made just a tiny little bit of sense- this one might reveal quite a bit! :D the first part is based on the first H/N scene from Bloodlines and the second part is based around what's up with Nikki… let me know your theories!**

**Love you all—and please review!**

**Flossie xxxx**

**Chapter 21**

**Battles and Bloodlines**

**Monday 9th May 2011**

**-9.18am**

"Oh, for god's sake!" Harry Cunningham cursed under his breath as he rushed around the office space he shared with Nikki, frantically searching for his passport. He was about to leave to catch a flight out to Budapest, which was going to be rather difficult without a passport. He knew he'd left it somewhere, he just couldn't remember where…

"Blue jacket behind you, you wore it to Amsterdam," Nikki said, not even looking up her computer screen.

"What?" Harry muttered, standing up straight and abandoning his rummage through his desk drawers to check the pockets of his blue jacket. "No it's not."

But when he placed his hand inside the pocket, he felt something hard and rectangular, and as he pulled it out, he realized Nikki had found his missing passport, and glanced at her in bewilderment. How could she possibly know where his passport was when he didn't have the foggiest himself?

"Phew," he breathed a sigh of relief, nodding to Nikki as he did so, who was smirking at him from over her computer screen. "How do you know these things?"

"I put it down to the absence of a Y-chromosome," Nikki explained, still absorbed in whatever it was she was working on. "Harry, I haven't had a week off since Christmas, and what about Leo?" she complained, finally looking up from her computer.

"Well you may not have had a week off, but you had a couple of days, remember, back in January," Harry retorted, knowing he was pushing it now. His common sense told him to stop, but after their trip to the park that weekend, he had managed to convince himself that Nikki was better. OK, so there was still something about her that he just couldn't place, but she certainly seemed to be more or less her usual self once again.

"Oh great, so days off vomiting into the toilet now count as holiday leave, do they?"

"OK, OK, you win," Harry sighed. "I'll… I'll bring you back a present," he added quickly.

"What like the bottle of Advocate you brought Leo back from the Dutch Conference?" Nikki scoffed.

"Well I'll get you a, er, a Hungarian um, delicacy, like, um…" Harry paused, his mind racing. "What do they have? I don't-"

"Goulash," Nikki spat, feigning annoyance. She shrugged, "I'm pretty loyal, of course."

Harry looked her right in the eyes. "This is work," he insisted, and she laughed.

"Hmm, and you just love your work!"

"And this is an independent post-mortem, I shall be 48 hours max," Harry insisted, smiling back at her.

"In and out."

Harry shrugged. "If you like."

Nikki just laughed. "What is it, have you shagged everyone in London?"

"Not quite," said Harry, trying his best to pretend to be serious, holding her gaze.

His best friend stopped, and smiled. "I think you like her," she said. "This… Ava? Eva?"

"Anna," Harry corrected. "I've only spent a couple of weekends with her, but yes, I do like her. But I love you."

Nikki raised her eyebrows at him, and he continued.

"Because you," he said, picking up a large stack of case files from his own desk and dumping them on hers, "are giving up your whole weekend so that I," he paused again as she gave him a disbelieving look, "can fight for women's rights in Budapest. And these are awfully cynical…" he said, and began to explain the contents of the files to her, but she wasn't listening; instead, she was staring up at his head. "Enjoy."

"No," Nikki said firmly, and Harry turned back to look at her.

"Hmm?"

"I can't let you go out there," Nikki told him, her face suddenly serious. "Not like this." And with that, she reached for her post-it pad and began scribbling frantically, before pulling the sticky note away and holding it out to him. Harry took it and scanned it confused. 'Simon,' she had written, followed by a phone number.

"Who or what is Simon?"

"You're not as young as you think you are," Nikki said gravely. "Simon's my hairdresser; he'll take 10 years off you."

Harry studied her for a moment, and then screwed up the post-it. "Nonsense," he said, causing her to enter a fit of giggles as he left the office, passport in hand. She was fine… she'd be fine without him. And besides, he was only going to be gone a couple of days. What could possibly go wrong?

Nikki sighed and rested her head on the desk once Harry had gone, hoping to god that Leo wouldn't choose this moment to look in through the glass window in the corridor. She had been putting on a brave front for Harry, but now he was gone she could no longer see the point in keeping it up. She was so tired; the most tired she could ever remember being, and not just physically. She was mentally tired too, of maintaining her mask whenever she had company- a mask that made her look normal, sane, to the rest of the world. She didn't want to pretend anymore. Over the past week much of the fear had faded away, until she hardly felt anything in the way of emotion anymore. It some ways that was better, because an altogether lack of emotion was fairly easy to hide from Harry and Leo. The downside was that she had begun to hear voices in her head, and every scrap of common sense Nikki had left within her was screaming that this was a sure sign that she was going mad. She had tried to convince herself that it was the beginning of schizophrenia, or multiple-personality disorder, because as grim as that idea was, in the state that Nikki's mind was in it was a much kinder explanation than the truth. Hell, she'd believe anything if it meant not having to face the truth.

'You do know you can't escape me though, don't you?" asked the voice as she thought to herself, and once again Nikki felt her blood run cold. 'That's the beauty of it. No matter how far you run, I'll always be with you. We're one and the same; we need each other to survive. You can't get rid of me. You never will.'

"I'm not scared of you!" Nikki said out loud, all thoughts of Leo possibly observing her long-forgotten as she fought her inner battle. "You're forgetting that I've still got a hell of a lot of power over you! It's not too late; I could change my mind tomorrow if I wanted! I could get rid of you, you know. Don't think you're safe!" Something stirred and fluttered within her stomach, and she pressed down on the spot firmly until it settled- she couldn't deal with this right now.

'Oh, but we both know you won't do that, don't we?' laughed the voice. 'You could have seen a doctor months ago, but you didn't. You're too scared, and that isn't going to suddenly change now. You forget that I'm a part of you- I know you inside out. I am you. And I know you won't hurt me. You've spent you're whole life trying to help others, so why should I be any different? You won't hurt me. You can't hurt me.'

Nikki clamped her hands over her ears and curled up in a ball on her chair, desperate for the voices to stop. Not so much because it disturbed her, because she knew it was right. She was too scared to do anything. And that would be her downfall.

20 minutes later she was still sat there, still pressing down on her stomach, and she suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to vomit. She jumped up from the chair and raced to the bathroom, silently thanking the stars that she was currently the only female working full-time at the Lyell Centre as she retched into the toilet basin. God, she had to stop this, she thought to herself; she'd been pressing down so hard on her stomach that the spot was showing the early signs of bruising, and she knew she couldn't go on like this forever. But somehow the pain comforted her, as it took away all the emotional pain, and caused all thoughts of the unthinkable to leave her head. What she was doing wasn't healthy and she knew it- Harry, Leo and Martha would kill her if only they knew- but she couldn't find the words to tell them, still, even 4 months later. And until she did, she'd have to keep on coping the same old way.


	23. No more Hope

**Thank you thank you thank to everyone who has reviewed the last 2 chapters! This fic has made it to over 100! You guys have no idea how happy I am right now! Thank you so much tigpop, emmaJ1996, gem.S, timelove, lizziginne and gevaudan for your reviews… let's try and make it to 200 now shall we? Lol just kidding, but please guys, keep on reviewing, you really make me smile! :)**

**This chapter is set during Bloodlines at the point where Nikki still thinks Harry is dead, so there's lots of angst :| there is another clue in here but you might not spot it... I'm not sure I'm completely happy with this one guys, so please do let me know what you think! I'm pretty happy with the next one though, but I'll let you be the judge of that soon :)**

**Chapter 22**

**No more Hope**

_I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears,_

_And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave,_

_Because your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone._

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real,_

_There's just so much that time cannot erase,_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,_

_When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears,_

_And I've held your hand for all of these years,_

_But you still have all of me._

_You used to captivate me by your once reigniting light,_

_But now I'm blinded by the life you left behind,_

_Because your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams,_

_And your voice, it chased away all of the sanity in me,_

_These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real,_

_There's just so much that time cannot erase,_

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,_

_When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears,_

_And I've held your hand through all of these years,_

_But you still have all of me._

_My immortal, Evanescence_

**Wednesday 11th May 2011**

**-5.04am Hungarian time, 6.04pm Cape Town time**

"Nikki, stadiger! Gaan jy te hê om stadiger, malaika... Nikki, you're going to have to slow down angel, I can't understand you! "Martha soothed, trying desperately to calm down the distraught woman on the other end of the phone. She had received Nikki's letter a few days previously, and that in itself had been enough to worry her. But then she had received a phone call out of the blue, and now the woman she thought of as a daughter was sobbing hysterically down the phone, saying something in Afrikaans that was so distorted by her tears that Martha couldn't quite understand her.

"Martha, is hy dood!" Nikki gasped for air as she formed the words; she was beginning to hyperventilate. "Martha, he's dead!"

"Nikki, deep breaths, kalmeer, calm down," Martha tried again. "Who's he, Nikki? Who's dead?"

"Harry!" came Nikki's voice from the other end of the phone line, and Martha's heart skipped a beat. "Harry is dood!"

"Oh Niks," Martha sighed, not knowing quite what to do. Having known Nikki since the day she was born, she had seen her cry a fair few times, but this was something else entirely, and she was at a loss as to what to do. She knew how much Harry meant to her as a friend, and was certain from the way Nikki talked about him that a part of her wished they were more than friends. In fact, even though she had never met Harry, she got the impression that he was the most important person in Nikki's life, and had been for some time. So how Nikki was possibly going to survive without him, especially at the moment, she did not know.

"What happened, Nikki?" Martha pressed, trying to get an idea of just how bad the situation was. "Hoe het hy gesterf?"

And so Nikki told her the whole story, and Martha tried desperately to hold herself together, asking herself how much worse things could possibly get. Poor, poor Nikki, why did fate have to be so cruel to her?

"Ek weet nie wat ek sal doen sonder hom!" Nikki sobbed, and Martha's heart just about broke in two. "I don't know what I'm going to do without him, Martha! He was just about holding me together after… after… and now I don't know what to do!"

"Come on Nikki, you need to try to calm down," Martha sighed. "It's not going to help to get yourself so upset, my darling. I know it hurts, angel, I know. Take some deep breaths. I'm here."

"I don't care!" Nikki screamed, and Martha almost dropped the phone in shock. In all the years she had known Nikki, not once had she raised her voice at her. She had been the calm one throughout her childhood in South Africa, the only member of the Alexander household who didn't scream and shout when things didn't go their way. And now she had lost it too, but it wasn't because someone had disobeyed her, like when Celin Alexander had lost her temper, or because she was simply in a bad mood, like Victor Alexander had been. It was because she was in the most terrible, unimaginable pain, on top of everything else she was trying to deal with, and nothing anyone did could ever take it away.

"I don't care anymore, don't you see?" Nikki continued screaming in Afrikaans. "Nothing matters anymore, nothing! I can't cope without him Martha, I just can't, and it's not going to get any better! Everything's only going to get worse from here on in, and I can't do it without Harry, I can't, I won't know how, I…"

Leo was on his way back to Nikki's room to check on her when he heard the shouting. Someone inside the room was screaming hysterically in another language, presumably Hungarian- a woman's voice with a thick accent that he vaguely recognised. But never mind what they were speaking, what were they doing in Nikki's room? As panic began to set in, he knocked loudly on the hotel room door, terrified that another of his colleagues was in trouble with the Ukrainians, or the Hungarians, or whoever it was who was after Harry. Who had been after Harry.

"Nikki, it's me, it's Leo! Is everything OK in there?" He called through the door, wondering if he would even be heard above the commotion inside the room. Then suddenly all the shouting stopped, and a few seconds later, Nikki pulled open the door and stared back at, him, one hand holding her mobile to her ear. She looked a wreck: her hair was falling out of a messy bun on the nape of her neck, her eyes were red raw from crying and rimmed with dark circles, her whole body was shaking violently as the sobs charged through her frame, and her cheeks were streaked with tear stains. God, she wasn't taking this well, not in the slightest.

Nikki stared at him for a moment, and then turned back to the phone still pressed to her ear.

"Martha, Ek is so jammer, Ek. .. Ek het nie bedoel ..." she rasped into the phone; Leo realized that Nikki must have been the voice screaming that he had heard, and now she'd screamed her throat raw. He pitied the poor person on the other end of the phone.

"Ek is jammer, ek sal jou terug bel in 'n minuut, jammer ..." she whispered into the phone, before hanging up and throwing herself into Leo's arms. "Leo, I'm so sorry," she sobbed, switching back to English as she cried into his shoulder. "I'm sorry; you didn't need to hear that, I…"

"Nikki, it's fine, it's fine," he tried to reassure her. "You just scared me, that's all. I heard shouting and I knew it wasn't in English, and it sounded European so I thought…I thought it was whoever was after…" he swallowed, struggling to say his colleague's name. "I thought that whoever was after Harry was coming for you, too."

Nikki shook her head. "No, I'm sorry. I just kind of lost it." She was still shaking, despite Leo's caressing her shoulders and back in a desperate attempt to calm her down.

"It's alright, you're safe; that's what matters," he said gently. "I just didn't realize it was you shouting. I didn't know you were bilingual."

"Afrikaans," Nikki told him, pulling away slightly and leading Leo into her hotel room. "It's a mixture of Dutch, English and IsiZulu. So you were close."

"Who were you on the phone to?" Leo asked, and instantly regretted it as Nikki's eyes swam with tears once more. "Nikki, I'm sorry…"

"Martha, she looked after me in South Africa when my parents were working," Nikki whispered. "And I just lost it with her… I wouldn't stop screaming, I was thinking about… she's going to hate me Leo! She's never going to want to see me again!"

"Oh Nikki, I'm sure that's not true," Leo sighed, "Nikki, she won't hold it against you, not under the circumstances-"he cut off, realizing that she was swaying alarmingly in front of him, and managed to catch her just in time.

"Nikki, no, don't do this to me now!" he pleaded with her, picking her up and carrying her over to lay her down on the bed. She felt so light in his arms that it panicked him in a different sense; he and Harry had stopped checking she was still eating months ago. Clearly months too soon.

"Nikki, come on!" he groaned, rolling her into the recovery position and checking her airway. Slowly, her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at him, her face a mask of confusion.

"Leo, what…?" she began, but he cut her off.

"Nikki it's OK, just breathe," Leo smiled reassuringly, trying to encourage her to relax. "It's OK, you blacked out for a moment, but I think you're OK. Have you been hyperventilating?"

She nodded slightly, collapsing back onto the pillows and adjusting the loose folds of her blouse over her stomach quickly, not wanting him to see the mess she was in.

Leo sighed. "Nikki, I know this is hard, but you've got to try and hold yourself together, for Harry. He wouldn't want to see you like this." He sighed, looking down at Nikki as she lay there motionless on the bed, her words from earlier flowing through his mind. She was in love with Harry. She had been in love with him, but hadn't done anything about it, thinking there would be plenty of time for that in the future, and now he was gone forever. And Leo knew that the break in her heart was not going to be an easy one to fix. Not without Harry.

**Good? Bad? OK? Let me know! And btw some of you are getting pretty close now with your theories :) If you're still completely lost then don't worry, all will be revealed very soon! Including what's up with Nikki ;) So far your thoughts have been either pregnant, raped, on drugs or bulimic/anorexic , if you really can't wait to find out, try some back-reading of the more recent chapters. There are a few hints hidden in there…**

**Love you all, and don't forget the review button!**

**Flossiexxx**


	24. Flying and Falling

**Here's the next one :) This one's quite angsty, and Harry… loses it a bit, but there's some H/N at the end and there's another clue for you ;)**

**Thank you so much to tigpop, gedauvan, gem.S, timelove, Maisygrace and emmaJ1996 for your reviews- you guys are awesome and please keep them coming! And if you didn't review the last chapter, you can always review this one for me… ;) and emmaJ1996, that wasn't what I was thinking with the song in the last chapter, but I actually really like that! And I totally agree! **

**Enjoy and review,**

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 23**

**Flying and Falling**

**Friday 13th May 2011**

"I thought you were dead," Nikki said softly, hopelessly, snuggling into Harry's chest as their plane took off into the sky and headed away from Budapest, back to London. Leo had managed to book the three of them last minute tickets on the first flight back to London, but they hadn't managed to get 3 seats together; just 2 seats next to each other and 1 seat on the opposite end of the plane were left. Leo had insisted that his two colleagues sit together, and had taken up the lone seat, making each of them promise to look after the other as he left them to take up his own spot.

Harry wasn't sure if there were words to describe the way he was feeling. Numb, he guessed. In mourning for the life he could have had, should have had, with Anna. But when he looked at the small blonde woman sat to his left, leaning across him as if he was her own personal pillow, his heart flooded with something else, something that he couldn't describe. But that wasn't right. He couldn't be caring more about Nikki than he did about Anna, not after she had died just a few days ago while carrying his child. It was selfish, and wrong, and he wouldn't be doing with it. And so his temper took over, and before he could stop himself, he had seized his best friend roughly by the shoulders, and shoved her back across onto her own seat.

"I know!" he said angrily, and a few people in neighbouring seats turned their heads. "I know, OK! And I'm sorry that you had to spend a mere 24 hours thinking I'd been burned to death, I really am, but you've got me back now, OK? I can't ever get Anna back, or our baby, so pull yourself together and leave me in peace!"

He glanced down at her face then, and saw her brown eyes beginning to fill with tears. But he was on a rampage, and he wasn't stopping, not for anyone. Not even for Nikki.

"Oh, for god's sake, like you've got anything to cry about!" he snapped at her, adding insult to injury. The only slight consolation was that Harry had at least lowered his voice, so only the 2 of them could hear his verbal attack. "You haven't lost the person you loved, the person you wanted to spend your life with; you haven't lost your baby before it's even born!" He realized as the words escaped his mouth that they were hardly true; he had loved Anna, but he wasn't convinced about spending his life with her in Hungary… but he was angry and he was still adjusting to the whole situation, and it was too late to take his words back now, even if his anger would allow him.

"So come on then!" he continued, all his anger that had been building up over the past few days exploding out of him as he spoke. "What have you got to be upset about? Have you witnessed your partner be murdered? Have you lost your baby? Have you been chased round a strange city, and forced to fake your own death just to get away? No! So tell me Nikki, what on earth do you have to cry about? What's happened to you that's so terrible, huh?"

And suddenly Harry was aware of the haunted, broken look in Nikki's eyes as she held his gaze, mixed in with something else, something he hated himself for causing. Fear. She was afraid of him. He looked down, and realized with a sickening feeling that he had been gripping her shoulders, shaking her, and let go quickly, as if she'd burned him. But nothing could have prepared him for what she said next.

"You're right Harry," she said slowly, her voice deathly quiet yet laced with anger. "You're right; I haven't been through what you have. But don't you tell me I've got nothing to cry about, and don't tell me nothing that bad has ever happened to me, and don't talk to me about bloody babies Harry! Because you've got no idea, OK? You've got no damn idea!" And with that said, she stormed out of her seat and into the aisle of the plane, disappearing off down the other end of the aircraft. And Harry buried his face in his hands, ignoring the stares of all the other passengers around him, and wondered where it had all gone so wrong.

It was his fault, Harry knew that much. How could it not be? Poor Nikki hadn't even done anything, and he'd exploded at her like she'd been provoking him. He knew the state she was in at the moment- it wasn't exactly hard to tell that she was still struggling with something- then he had gone and let her believe he was dead for a whole day, and now he had exploded at her for no apparent reason, just because he was feeling angry and needed a way of letting it out. But that wasn't fair. Nikki didn't deserve to be on the receiving end of his frustration; not now, not ever. And for the first time in years, Harry felt his eyes begin to water. God this really wasn't good; he hadn't even cried when he'd found Anna dead, not properly.

Nikki's final words before she had fled were worrying him too, almost as much as the fact that he had caused her to get so upset on top of everything else. Most of what she said had just confirmed his fears from back in January, that something horrible had happened to her and she was too afraid to tell him, but what had the bit about babies been all about? 'Don't talk to me about bloody babies Harry,' that was what she had said. What had she meant? She was in her mid-30s, Harry supposed, and more or less without family, so perhaps she was feeling alone, like she had no purpose in life, and was getting broody? Maybe that was why she had reacted so badly to the post mortem on the 8 year old girl last month? Harry didn't know; he was finding it increasingly difficult to understand what was going on in his best friend's head, no matter how hard he tried.

After wiping at his eyes furiously, Harry gave Nikki a few minutes, then left his seat and headed off towards the back of the plane, the direction in which she had disappeared. She couldn't have gone far, he figured- they were on an airplane after all.

He found Nikki at the very back of the aircraft, staring out of the window at the mess of clouds that littered the blueness of the sky. He was briefly reminded of their visit to the park just 6 short days ago when they had played the cloud gazing game together, and was shocked as he realized that moment felt like a lifetime ago.

"Nikki…" he began softly, taking up a position next to her by the window. "Nikki, I'm so sorry. I'll admit I'm not myself at the moment, and I guess I am feeling rather aggressive, but that's no excuse to take it out on you," he sighed, watching her face for a reaction. There was no trace of emotion there, just blankness. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking.

"Nikki?" Harry tried again, not wanting to irritate her on top of everything else, but at the same time desperate to be friends again. His mind was still in the mess from everything he had been through the past few days, and he needed her now, more than ever.

"Harry, it's alright," Nikki said softly, finally turning to face him, and Harry could see that her eyes were still brimming with tears. He hated himself even more now, knowing that he was the cause of them. "I understand; I forgive you. It's OK."

"No Nikki, it's not OK," Harry sighed, reaching out to hug her, but she flinched away from him, and his heart dropped. "I shouldn't have lashed out at you like that, and I should never have said those things to you." He paused, wondering how to phrase the next part of what he wanted to say.

"I don't think I could bear to lose you, Nikki," he confessed, looking down at the floor. "No, scrap that, I know I couldn't bear to lose you. And when I lash out at you like that- and don't try to tell me I've never hurt you before, we both know that's not true", he sighed, watching her expression and knowing she was going to protest. "When I lash out at you like that," he continued, "I get so damn scared of losing you Nikki, you have no idea. And I know I don't deserve you giving me another chance, not after that."

"Harry, no," Nikki insisted, reaching out for his hand. "Harry, you're not going to lose me, I promise. Not now, not ever. I can't deny that you've got a temper-"

"That's putting it mildly Nikki, and you know it."

"Harry, please, hear me out," she protested. "What I'm saying is, I couldn't bear to lose you either, OK? When… when Leo called, and… I thought you-"she cut off abruptly, choking on her words as she fought to keep that tears at bay.

"Shush, it's alright," Harry whispered, squeezing her hand and wrapping his arm around her shoulders, praying she would let him. Nikki flinched ever so slightly, but then relaxed and squeezed his hand back, which Harry took as a sign that she was comfortable with him.

"Nikki, I can't imagine what it must have been like, thinking I was gone," he told her softly. "But I'm still here, and I'm not planning on leaving you, not ever, OK? I know I'm in a bit of a mess over Anna, but I'll be fine with time. You don't need to worry about me, I'll be back to normal soon enough." Both of them knew that the last part wasn't true, but both of them were strangely comforted by the words, even though they knew them to be lies.

"And… Nikki?"

She looked up, meeting his gaze.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?" he asked. "Anything at all, honestly."

"I know," she confirmed, leaning into his chest, the sore skin of her stomach protesting against her new, slightly twisted position. "I know."


	25. Covering up the Tracks

**Here's the next chapter :) there's some more of the phoenix case in this one, and another hint as to what's wrong with Nikki… and next chapter, Bai's going to make an appearance ;) Thank you to everyone for your reviews- I had some really lovely ones this time, so thank you so so much to tigpop, gevaudan, timelove, emmaJ1996, gemS, and to cjtrigg, yours was extra lovely :) love you guys, and please keep the reviews coming, you have no idea how much they are valued :) **

**And one last thing… emmaJ1996, your 2****nd**** theory from the last chapter is kind of on the right lines but kind of not, but you'll start to understand what I mean very very soon…**

**Keep reading and reviewing, you all make me very happy! Flossiexx**

**Chapter 24**

**Covering up the Tracks**

**Monday 16th May 2011**

**-4.47am**

"Leo, can I have a word?"

"One minute, Nikki," Leo replied, continuing to type on his computer without even looking up at her. It was 3 days since the pathologists had arrived home from Hungary; 3 days since that whole nightmare had ended. Leo had banned Harry from coming into work for at least a week, saying he needed time to accept what had happened and recover, and Nikki was missing him already. Leo had seemed rushed off his feet all morning, and Nikki wasn't sure that now was the best time to request time off. But she had found Martha's letter waiting for her when she arrived home from Budapest, and knew that she had to sort out some time off for her trip to South Africa. Martha had phoned her the previous afternoon, and assured Nikki that she had forgiven her; that it must have been awful to think that Harry was gone forever, and she didn't blame her for exploding. That didn't stop Nikki from feeling guilty of course, but Martha was adamant that it was fine, and that Nikki was to arrange her trip out to Cape Town by the end of the day. And in her current state, Nikki greatly appreciated someone else taking control of the situation, telling her what to do. It almost made her believe that everything could still turn out OK.

It seemed like years and years to Nikki before Leo finally looked up from his computer screen, though she knew it could only have been a few minutes.

"Sorry, just had to finish that," Leo said, gesturing for Nikki to take a seat. "What can I help you with?"

"Am I still due a week off next month?"

"I think so," Leo nodded. "Would you like to take it?"

"If that's OK," Nikki conformed. "And…" she paused, wondering if she was pushing it a little, but at the same time knowing that Martha wouldn't be best pleased with her if she backed out now. "And I was wondering if perhaps I could have a second week too? I wouldn't ask," she said quickly, seeing the look on Leo's face, "but I wanted to go out to South Africa, to visit Martha, and I haven't had any time off at all yet this year…"

"Nikki, you don't have to justify it!" Leo laughed. "You are entitled to some time off once in a while you know! I can't grant it to you myself anymore though, I'm afraid- any applications for time off have to go through the university, so I'll ask them for you, OK?"

"OK then, thanks," Nikki smiled gratefully as she made her way to the door, just as Zak walked past.

"Zak?" she called, making a quick decision. She had been feeling increasingly guilty about the phoenix case; she knew much more than anyone else, and yet she was withholding all the information she had because she was too afraid to face up to it, even though she knew only too well that she could be holding the key to solving the case within her mind. She still couldn't make herself talk about what she knew, knowing that any conversation concerning it would lead back to that night, one way or another, but perhaps there was another way she could help.

"Zak, can you get out the bodies of the Greenfield children again please?"

"The Greenfield children?" she had caught Leo's attention now, and he was looking at her with a confused expression on his face. "Why?"

"I've got a theory," Nikki explained. "I just want to see something; I'll let you know if anything comes of it."

"So what exactly do you want these two for?" Zak asked Nikki 20 minutes later, as the 2 of them stood over the lifeless bodies of Isabella and Oliver Greenfield. "We haven't gotten them out in months."

"I know, but I've had a thought," Nikki explained, taking a deep breath and fighting to control her nerves. "I want to take DNA profiles from both bodies, and send off for a full profile on each of them."

"Why?" Zak asked curiously, failing to see what the pathologist was getting at. "How's that going to help?"

"We were told back in January that the Greenfield children were biological siblings, adopted together from Vietnam, but Janet- Professor Mander- thinks they could have been originally from North Korea, like the teenage victims of the shooting. The circumstances under which the Greenfield children arrived at the orphanage just seem so… I don't know, strange, that I want to check something. I want to be sure they're actually related."

"You think they're not really siblings?" asked Zak. "But why would an orphanage pretend that 2 children in their care and up for adoption were related when really they weren't? Surely it's much easier for a single child to get adopted than a sibling set?"

"I don't know," Nikki lied, desperately hoping that Zak wouldn't catch on. "But think about it. Both children have been tattooed by the phoenix movement somewhere along the line, so they must have been involved with it somehow. The adoption agency is claiming to have known nothing about the tattoos, but we've got no evidence of that."

"So you think the agency did know about this, and thought the whole thing would seem less suspicious if the 2 kids with the dodgy tattoos were siblings?" Zak asked, and Nikki nodded, grateful for his help; she had been wondering how to explain why she knew to check the DNA profiles.

"That's one possible explanation, yes. Perhaps if we can prove they were or were not related, that might give us something." She swallowed. "It's a long shot, I know. But it's the only one we've got. Maybe if we have evidence that they're not related, we can persuade the orphanage or the agency to talk. I can't believe they don't know anything about this."

'But you don't need the orphanage to talk, not really,' she sighed to herself. 'You just need to persuade me to talk.' Because there was no doubt in Nikki's mind that she knew more than anyone else outside of the phoenix movement- or at least, outside of Asia- about what was going on, but she couldn't talk about it. Not yet, and maybe not ever.

"Shall I send these off then?" Zak asked, pulling Nikki from her thoughts as he picked up the DNA samples she had just placed on the table.

"Yes please," she replied. "And ask them to prioritize it. We're getting nowhere fast with this case and everyone knows it- the sooner we can get something solid, the better." She had been meaning to continue, to suggest something else the 2 of them could check out concerning the bodies in front of them, but before she could get the words out she felt something stir in her abdomen, followed by a dull, throbbing pain in her ribs. Under normal circumstances she would have barely acknowledged the sensation, but she was tired, malnourished and sick of feeling worthless, and on top of everything else it felt like the worst pain in the world. Nikki gasped slightly, doubling over as she felt another wave of pain rip through her.

"Dr Alexander?" Zak asked, concerned. "What's wrong?"

Closing her eyes, Nikki straightened up quickly, anxious that Zak was going to catch on. 'It's normal,' she told herself firmly. 'This is nothing to worry about, it's perfectly normal. If anything was wrong then you'd know by now. You're a doctor, for god's sake, of course you'd know.'

"I'm fine," Nikki said abruptly, brushing off his concerns as best she could. "Just… I'm fine. You know what?" she said, desperate to get out of the Lyell Centre as soon as possible, before she gave herself away. "I think it's about time we head home, isn't it? Shall we get the bodies away and go?"

Zak agreed, but Nikki didn't miss the strange look in his eyes. He was on to her and she knew it, but she didn't want to say anything about not telling on her to Leo, knowing that would just confirm his suspicions. She was clearly going to have to be more careful from now on, though. She wasn't ready to admit this to herself yet, let alone to the rest of the world.


	26. Personae non Gratae

**It's the moment of truth now, guys… Bai makes a visit, and there's a big, big hint as to what's wrong with Nikki :) Thank you everyone for your amazing reviews: lizziginne, tigpop, gevaudan, gem.S, emmaJ1996 and timelove you guys are awesome :) love you all, and please keep the reviews coming everyone!**

**emmaJ1996, like your theories, this one should give you more of an idea…**

**love you all, and please review, **

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 25**

**Personae non Gratae**

**Monday 16th May 2011**

**-5.42pm**

Nikki Alexander sighed and clambered out of her car, thoroughly stressed out and exhausted. She was sick and tired of pretending to be normal and desperate for a good night's sleep, but somehow she knew that she wish was not going to be granted. After 4 months of getting little more than 3 hours sleep a night, feeling fully awake seemed like a distant memory, but something which she desperately desired. Tonight, she decided. Tonight, she was going to bed early, she was forgetting about all of the bad things, about the…problem, and she was getting some rest. She couldn't go on like this, after all. Sooner or later she was going to start making mistakes at work, and if she had any more 'incidents' of extreme over-reaction like she'd had earlier at the Lyell Centre, then Harry and Leo were going to catch on for sure.

Speaking of Harry, she wondered how he was feeling as she made her way into her apartment building. She hadn't seen him since the flight back from Hungary; he'd told her to give him some space for a few days, and he'd call her when he was ready to talk and get back to normal. The trouble was, she mused, as she made her way up the staircase, however much he needed to be alone, she needed to be with him too. Harry was the only person who could make her feel well and truly safe, and being separated from her was tearing her apart, especially after coming so close to losing him in Hungary. She needed him now more than ever, because even though she was still too ashamed to tell him why she was in this mess, his mere presence was comforting. But she had to respect his wishes, and he didn't want company just at the moment. And so for the time being, she was going to have to survive on her own.

Nikki reached the top of the stairs and pulled her house keys out of her handbag, before proceeding to her front door and turning the key in the lock. As she did so, she saw a shadow behind her, and whipped her head round to see what it was, still feeling rather on edge from January and wanting the reassurance that it was just one of her neighbours arriving home. But as she turned around to face the person standing behind her, a hand was clamped over her mouth and another wrapped around her waist, and Nikki's heart began to beat faster and faster as she realized who it was. Because it was someone she had hoped never to have to see again. It was Bai.

"Don't scream," Bai sneered at her, pressing his hand firmly over her mouth. "If you scream, if you make the slightest sound to give me away, then this'll be 10 times harder than it has to be, you understand?"

Nikki just nodded frantically, paralyzed by fear. She couldn't go through this again, she just couldn't.

"Good," Bai whispered softly, an evil grin spreading across his face. "Good girl, Nikki. Now, shall we go inside?" And with that, he pushed open the front door and stepped inside, dragging Nikki behind him. Once the both of them were through the door he slammed it shut and bolted it quickly, before pushing Nikki against the wall of her hallway, pinning her down.

"It's been a while," he grinned, studying her face. "Good few months?" He laughed at the expression on her face. "I didn't think so. I'm sorry though Niks, you know that don't you?"

Nikki didn't say anything; she was standing impossibly still as he held her down, trying desperately to control her breathing, which was getting faster and shallower by the minute.

"Are you ignoring me Nikki?" Bai asked, offended. "Why are you ignoring me? This isn't my fault you know, I didn't ask for things to turn out like this."

"Oh really?" Nikki shouted. "You didn't ask for this? What about me, what did I do to deserve it? I'm not the one who…who…" she cut off as the tears began to fall, unable to continue.

"But I'm not to blame either!" Bai protested. "Neither of us is. We're just pawns in their game Nikki, can't you see that? That night back in January- it wasn't my fault. I was just doing what I was told, nothing more. We're friends, remember Nikki? We've been friends since we were children, you don't seriously think I'd hurt you like that is I didn't have to, do you?"

"Well you've got a funny way of showing it!" Nikki sobbed, staring down at the floor, afraid to look Bai in the eyes. "Your whole manner; it's anything but apologetic! Don't tell me you didn't do it for your own personal pleasure Bai, I know you did. It's written all over your face!"

"But that's not me Nikki!" Bai exclaimed angrily. "I'm not me anymore, I haven't been for years! I'm the property of the Phoenix Movement now; I do what they want me to, never mind what I want, how I feel. They control everything Niks, even your emotions! You can't join them and still be yourself."

"But you didn't have to act like them! You didn't have to do that to me, Bai! Why would they care if you did it or not, and why would they want you to, anyway? What does it matter to them? Don't try and use the Phoenix Movement as your cover Bai, we both know that's not true! Nobody forced you on me! You chose to act!"

"And what do you know?" Bai demanded. "What do you know about any of this; it's a different world in the east, Nikki! You've never been to North Korea; you don't understand what goes on out there! And you haven't watched your country burn down in flames, consumed by another from the north! So much happens out there Nikki, stuff you'll never understand! The Phoenix Movement might be crazy, but they're the only hope we've got left. They're the only people who can stop this, and their methods might be extreme, cruel, inhuman, call them what you like, but I haven't got any other choice! I pledged my life to them when I was just a child, Nikki! I can't go back on it now, even if I wanted to! The things I've seen, the things they made me do…" he cut off, with a confused, haunted look on his face. "That's why I had to do it. It wasn't about hurting you, it was about feeling in control. Can't you understand that?"

"No I can't!" Nikki screamed, becoming more and more hysterical as Bai continued to try and justify his actions. "I don't understand how anyone could possibly hurt someone else like this, no matter how bad they were feeling about themselves!" she looked up at him again, her eyes pleading with her former friend. "Why did you come here, Bai? You came back for more, is that it?"

"I don't know," Bai admitted. "I just wanted to see you I guess, see how you were."

Nikki froze as she heard his words. Did he know? No, he couldn't possibly know, she told herself. Nobody knew. She had told no one, and she was good at hiding it. But still, as she watched him staring at her, his eyes focused on her stomach, she wondered if he knew her secret.

"Get out!" she screamed at him. "Just get out, OK! You've made your point and you've had your fun, you've seen what you've done to me and I think it's clear to the both of us that you did a fair amount of damage, so please, just leave me alone! Go, Bai! Go, please, and don't ever, ever come back!"

"OK," Bai said quietly, finally letting go of Nikki's shoulders and making towards the door. "But I'm warning you Nikki, remember what I said before. You breathe one word about this to anyone, and I'll make your life so miserable you'd rather be dead. You understand?" Then he turned on his heels and unlocked the front door, throwing the keys down onto the floor and slamming the door shut behind him, leaving devastation in his wake.

When she was certain he wasn't coming back, Nikki slid down the wall and curled up with her knees to her chest, dissolving into full on tears. Because Bai's visit had hit something new home to her; that things were never, ever going to get better. How could they? Wherever she went, she carried a reminder of what Bai had done with her, the traces of a night that had marked the end of life as she knew it.

'But you've got to try and pull yourself together,' she told herself, trying and failing to calm down her breathing, and beginning to hyperventilate once more as something squirmed within her body, something that wasn't a part of her, yet was at the same time. 'But you have to stop this, or you're going to make yourself ill,' she sighed, pressing down on the movement within her stomach until it ceased once more, ignoring the part of her mind telling her to stop. 'It's not just you that you have to think about now. In 5 months' time, they'll be someone else too.'

**I know most of the phoenix stuff still won't make too much sense, but you might know what's up with Nikki now. Let me know what you think via review, so I can be sure you're not all majorly confused! Hope you liked xx**


	27. Saving Grace

**Here's chapter 26(!) I was going to put it up yesterday, but a bad combination of music exams, GCSE modules, coursework and physio appointments got in the way :( Thank you to everyone who reviewed though, you guys always make me happy: lizziginne, timelove, tigpop, emmaJ1996 and gemS, love you all! I think you're all on the right tracks now, but there's still much more to this than meets the eye, hence why one of your earlier theories is still going in the right direction emmaJ1996! Hopefully it will all start to make sense soon :)**

**The title of the last chapter, as some of you guessed, is Latin, and it means 'Unwelcome people'. The first unwelcome person in Bai of course, and the other is… you might have guessed, and I'm not telling you just yet ;)**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter, and please don't forget to review! The more reviews I get, the quicker the next chapter will be up!**

**Flossiexx**

**Chapter 26**

**Saving Grace**

_Remember those walls I built? Well baby they're tumbling down,_

_And they didn't even put up a fight, they didn't even make a sound,_

_So I've found a way to let you in, but I never really had a doubt,_

_Standing in the light of your halo, I've got my angel now._

_It's like I've been awaking, every rule I had you breaking,_

_It's the risk that I'm taking, and I'm never going to shut you out,_

_Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your remains,_

_Baby I can see your halo, you know you're my saving grace,_

_You're everything I need and more, and it's written all over your face,_

_Baby I can feel your halo, pray it won't fade away._

_I can see your halo, halo, halo, feel your halo, halo, halo,_

_I can see your halo, halo, halo, halo._

_Hit me like a ray of sun, burning through my darkest night,_

_You're the only one that I want, I think I'm addicted to your light,_

_I swore I'd never fall again, but this don't even feel like falling,_

_Gravity can't forget, to pull me back to the ground again._

_It's like I've been awaking, every rule I had you breaking,_

_It's the risk that I'm taking, and I'm never going to shut you out,_

_Everywhere I'm looking now, I'm surrounded by your remains,_

_Baby I can see your halo, you know you're my saving grace,_

_You're everything I need and more, and it's written all over your face,_

_Baby I can feel your halo, pray it won't fade away._

_I can see your halo, halo, halo, feel your halo, halo, halo,_

_I can see your halo, halo, halo, halo._

**Tuesday 17th May 2011**

**-2.16am**

Harry Cunningham couldn't sleep. Not that it surprised him; the last good nights' sleep he could remember having was back in Hungary, when Janos had given him the sleeping tablets after Anna's death. Since then, sleep had been a constant battle. He had contemplated going to the doctor and asking for some sleeping pills, but he was reluctant to give in to the drugs. His problem wasn't really a problem, not really; he was just still suffering from the shock of the whole experience. It would pass in time, but for now, it was incredibly frustrating.

Not being at work was driving him crazy too. Leo had insisted that Harry take at least a week off work in order to recuperate and recover from his ordeal in Budapest, but it was the fact that he wasn't working that was slowly and steadily driving him insane. He had always thought of himself as someone committed to his work yet not someone who took the job home with him, but the more time he had off, the more he began to realize that simply wasn't true; he wouldn't be feeling bored out of his mind, at a loss as to what to do with himself and desperate to get back to a pile of corpses if it was. The more he thought about it though, the more it made sense.

He was 38 years old after all, and completely and utterly family-less, unless you counted his mother. Almost all of his friends were married with children by now, and although he had told himself countless times that he wasn't missing out on anything and that he was perfectly content on his own, he didn't really believe it, not anymore. Harry had reached a point in his life where, surprisingly, he didn't want to live alone anymore. Everything he had thought he had wanted throughout his life so far had faded to nothing, and now all he wanted was someone to settle down with, someone to love, someone to grow old with and someone with whom he could talk about anything and everything: something as trivial as who was going to win the X factor, right down to his deepest, darkest feelings and everything in between. But that wasn't all. The older he became, the more Harry began to realize that he wanted more than anything to be a parent; to have someone to take to air shows, help with their homework, wrestle with on the sofa and tuck into bed every evening. But those two things; the two things he was starting to want more than anything else in the world, were the two things he couldn't have. Not until he found the right person.

Harry supposed that was why he had reacted so badly to Anna's death, why he had lashed out at Nikki for no apparent reason on the flight home from Hungary. Because he wanted a family, and he could have had one with Anna; had she not been brutally murdered, he could have moved out to Hungary, and they could have raised their child together, maybe even gotten married. But that wasn't what he wanted, not really, and Harry knew it. The reason he was reacting so badly to Anna's death probably had something to do with the feeling in his heart, the one that told him that however much he had liked Anna, she wasn't the woman he wanted to spend his life with. And he felt guilty for that, but it was the truth. On the surface his relationship with Anna Sandor might have seemed much more serious than any which Harry had ever had with his previous girlfriends, but emotionally it had been anything but. Part of Harry thought that perhaps he could have loved her, in time, but his heart was telling him that they just had never been right for one another. 'They'll be someone else', he told himself. 'The right one's always closer than you think.' He remembered his mother telling him that, back when he was a teenager. God, that seemed like a lifetime ago.

Harry knew his night-time pondering wasn't helping him get to sleep in the slightest, and sighed, rolling over in bed in an attempt to get comfortable. But it was no good; his mind was still racing and he knew there was little chance of sleep. Then he heard something vibrating against the wooden surface of his bedside cabinet, and stuck out his hand from under the covers to retrieve his mobile phone. '1 new message, Nikki mobile' the screen told him cheerfully.

Smiling slightly in spite of himself, Harry opened the message. He had told Nikki to leave him to recover alone for a few days, but in all honesty, he had been regretting that decision for the past few days. Although why she was texting him in the middle of the night was anyone's guess.

'R u still awake? Know u said 2 wait til u called me, sorry Nikxx' the message read.

Smiling, Harry took in her words, and tapped out a reply: 'Luckily 4 u, yes going 2 tell me wot ur doing still awake 2.30 in the morning? Wot if I'd been asleep u know have to sleep with fone on! H'

'Sorry didn't mean to disturb u, c u soon Nikxx' came the reply a few minutes later. Harry frowned at the message. It was so unlike Nikki; he had only been teasing her, and under normal circumstances she would have teased him back. Maybe she was just over tired? 'No it's fine, wasn't even remotely asleep honest. Wots wrong? H' Harry replied.

Nikki's message didn't arrive for another few minutes, and when Harry read it he wondered if she'd been deliberating over what to say, worrying that she was asking too much of him.

'Can I come round? Feel free to say no I know it's the middle of the night Nikxx'

Her text instantly caused Harry's mood to lift, having not seen his best friend in several days, but it made him begin to worry about her at the same time. In 7 years of knowing Nikki he had known her to turn up on his doorstep at strange times before, and he had done the same to her, but never before had one of them reached out for help at half past two in the morning. Something was definitely wrong.

'Course u can wud luv 2 c u H' Harry replied to her message.

Less than a minute after his phone pronounced the message sent, there was a knock on his front door. Rolling his eyes, Harry clambered out of bed and made for the door, pulling it open to reveal his best friend standing on the doorstep. She looked shattered, absolutely shattered. She was dressed in a pale grey tracksuit that hung loosely off her frame, and her eyes looked raw and red rimmed, like she'd either been crying or was just severely sleep deprived.

"Harry," she whispered softly, her voice croaky and barely audible. "I'm sorry, I…"

"It's alright," Harry told her, beckoning her inside. "When you asked if you could come round I didn't realize you were already here!" He smiled at her, but she didn't smile back.

"What's wrong?" he asked seriously, frowning down at her.

Nikki just sighed, and hiccupped slightly, conforming Harry's suspicions that she had been crying. "Harry, I should be the one asking you that! How are you feeling?"

I'm alright," Harry told her, knowing he wouldn't get any sense out of her until he had assured her of that. "I've been better, but I'm OK." Seeing her eyelids beginning to droop, Harry wrapped his arms around his best friend's shoulders, supporting her as he steered her towards the lounge, sitting her down on the sofa next to him, and pulling her close. She was skin and bones- she couldn't have been eating properly.

"Nikki, come on," he said softly. "What's wrong?"

But no reply came, and when he looked down at her he realized that her eyes had closed and her breathing had levelled out- she was fast asleep. It didn't look like he'd be getting her to talk, not tonight at least. Or not this morning, depending on how you looked at it.

So Harry scooped Nikki up into his arms and carried her to his room, tucking her in under the covers and kissing her forehead softly.

"It's all going to be alright," he murmured, brushing a handful of blonde curls out of her face. "I promise Nikki, it's all going to be fine."

Then he lay down on the bed beside her, on top of the covers, gripping her hand tightly as he finally fell asleep; the best nights' sleep he'd had in a long, long time. Maybe it was worry about Nikki that had worn him out, or maybe it was the realization that however badly he was suffering with Anna's death, she was suffering with something else even more. Or perhaps, just perhaps, it was Nikki's mere presence that made him feel safe.


	28. Half Truths

**Here's the next one then :) Thank you so much to everyone who's still reading and reviewing, I honestly never expected so many of you to enjoy this! Big hugs to tigpop, emmaJ1996, gevaudan, timelove, gemS, savingthestars and lizziginne, you guys rock! **

**There's some more H/N in this chapter, because I just couldn't resist, but we'll get back to the phoenix case in the next chapter, I promise! This one is kind of setting the scene for what's going to happen to Nikki later though… I think some of you might have guessed ;) Keep guessing how all the pieces of the story fit together (because they do, honest!), and please keep reviewing and making me smile! **

**Flossie xx**

**Chapter 27**

**Half-Truths**

**Tuesday 17th May 2011**

**-6.30am**

Thin, bright rays of sunlight seeped through the crack in the curtains as a shrill and angry wail filled the room with noise, and Harry Cunningham groaned and yawned as he reached out to turn off the alarm clock. He felt a jolt from the other side of the bed, the side where he had placed Nikki a few hours earlier, and glanced across to check on her. She was sitting up slightly in bed, running a hand through her hair as she looked around, trying to work out where she was.

"Morning," Harry smiled at her, watching her face for any signs of emotion, but none came. Her face was completely blank, with the exception of an element of confusion. "You're at mine, remember? You came round last night."

Nikki frowned slightly, and then nodded, pulling the covers up around herself as she sat up fully. "I remember. Thank you. Harry, about last night…" she began apologetically, but Harry cut her off.

"Nikki, don't worry about it, seriously. I wasn't asleep when you texted me, or I would have told you to sod off!" He joked.

Nikki's eyes were suddenly filled with concern. "Harry, you were still awake at 2 in the morning?"

Harry sighed. "OK, I admit it, I haven't really been sleeping. But you were awake too!" he reminded her. "And you haven't got at excuse, not that I know of. So come on, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

Nikki began to tremble slightly at his words, which did not go unnoticed by Harry. She closed her eyes for a moment and leaned back against the headboard, shaking her head, but then suddenly her eyes snapped open again, and she peered past Harry at his bedside cabinet.

"Harry, what time is it?" she asked. She was trying to change the subject, and Harry knew it.

"Just gone 6.30," Harry told her. "But Nikki-"

"Harry, I need to get going!" Nikki protested, adjusting her clothing and clambering out of bed. "I'm supposed to be at work in an hour, and I'll have to go home first, and-" Judging by the tone of her voice, she was beginning to panic.

"Nikki, slow down, Leo's not that scary!" Harry laughed, but still he couldn't make Nikki smile. "Why don't you phone Leo and tell him you're going to be a bit late in today or even better, just say you're ill and take the day off? No offence, but you look shattered."

"I can't leave Leo in the lab by himself with only the corpses for company all day! And besides, I've got some DNA results on the Greenfield children coming in today; I've got a theory that only Zak knows just yet and I don't want him taking all the credit when I'm right."

Harry couldn't help but laugh. "You really are impossible, you know that? But why don't you at least go in an hour or so late; I can take you home to get changed and then we can go out for breakfast? Leo won't mind you being a few hours late, and if he does you can just tell him I called you, blame me. How about it?"

The ghost of a smile appeared on Nikki's face. "OK, I'll go and text Leo. But you're taking me home to change first, I'm not going out like this!"

"So how have you been?" Nikki asked Harry an hour later over breakfast in a small café round the corner from Nikki's flat. Leo had been initially reluctant to let Nikki take a few hours off that morning; reluctant until she had mentioned she was with Harry, at which point Leo had dropped his argument that he couldn't cope as the only pathologist at the Lyell Centre, and had insisted that she take the whole morning off to spend some time with Harry- for both their sakes, apparently. Now she was sat opposite her best friend in the café, playing with a bowl of granola, strawberries and yoghurt and trying to force herself to eat a few mouthfuls. It was the first time she had properly had a chance to talk to Harry properly since Hungary, and the first chance she had been given to find out how he was really coping.

Harry shrugged. "OK, I guess. Not brilliant, but then that's only to be expected, I guess. I just need to get back to work really, but Leo won't hear of it."

"He's just looking out for you," Nikki explained. "He wants to make sure you've fully recovered before he has you surrounded by corpses all day."

"I know," Harry sighed. "I know he's just trying to do what's best for me but… I don't know. I think the thing I really need in order to get back to normality is to go back to work, but Leo wants me to be back to normal before he lets me within a mile of the Lyell Centre. I can't win!"

Nikki smiled sympathetically. "It does seem like an awkward situation. Do you want me to talk to Leo today? I could tell him I think you're much better and ready to come back to work?"

"Like Leo isn't going to see straight through that one! You've been with me all morning and I've been nagging him to let me go back to work for 2 days solid, and then you turn up trying to convince him to let me come back too? That is definitely not going to work. And anyway, never mind about me, how have you been? What was last night all about then?"

Now it was Nikki's turn to shrug her shoulders and look down at her food. "It's a long story, Harry," she sighed. "A really, really long story, and I very much doubt you want to hear it."

"Nikki, anything that's upsetting you this much, I want to hear about."

"But-"

"No, no buts," Harry told her firmly. "Nikki, I don't like seeing you this upset. We're staying here until you tell me what's wrong, even if it takes all day."

"Harry there's nothing to tell!" Nikki tried, knowing he wouldn't believe her and wondering why she was bothering. But she couldn't tell him the truth. It was still far too painful to even think about, let alone to explain out loud in words, and she was terrified at the mere thought of what Harry would think of her if he ever found out what had happened to her. He could never look at her in the same way again, she was certain of that. All he would be able to see would be the damage Bai had done to her; the deep ugly wounds that could never be healed. Perhaps he'd think she had deserved it, that it was all her own fault. Perhaps he'd be disgusted by her and never speak to her again. She didn't know for certain what his reaction would be, but she wasn't planning on finding out. But perhaps she could give him a very, very censored version of events, just to throw him off the scent.

"It's stupid really," she began, but Harry cut her off.

"It's not stupid, Nikki," he interrupted. "Anything that's upsetting you this much isn't stupid."

"OK then," she sighed. "I… I met someone, back in January."

"Back when you were first upset, I remember," Harry said.

Nikki stared at him, confused. "How did you…?"

"Nikki, come on, I've known you for 7 years now. It wasn't hard to spot."

Panic began to set in; she was now worried that he already knew her secret. "What else have you spotted?"

"Very little, other than that you're very upset about something and you won't tell me why," said Harry. "So then, this person you met… it wasn't another one of your hideously unsuitable men, was it?"

"Harry!" Nikki protested. "No, it was someone I knew as a child in South Africa, if you must know. I met him by chance just after Christmas- we'd lost touch years ago- and we went out for a few drinks, dating, I suppose. After a week or so we got together properly."

"So he is one of your unsuitable men then," Harry concluded, and then spoke again, more sympathetically this time. "So what happened, Nikki?" he asked, worried about where his story was going. "Did he… did he hurt you?"

Nikki shook her head quickly, determined not to let the truth come out. She couldn't have Harry know what Bai had done to her, she just couldn't.

"No, he…" we had a bit of a bad break up, and he…" she paused, unsure how to tackle this part of the story without revealing the truth. "He made some threats. I don't think he was actually going to go through with them, but… but he freaked me out a bit."

"A bit? Nikki, you were on edge for months!"

"OK, OK, a lot!" Nikki sighed. "But nothing came of it; he left me alone after that. But then he came round again last night, saying he wanted another chance; I told him to go away but he wouldn't at first and he got the message eventually, but…"

"But you were scared?" Harry asked.

Nikki nodded. "It's stupid, I know."

"How many times do I have to tell you, it's not stupid," Harry insisted, reaching across the table to squeeze Nikki's hand. "If he upset you this much, then it's not even slightly stupid, OK?"

But Nikki didn't believe him, and looked down at her food, unable to meet his eyes.

"Nikki, you're not worried he's going to come back, are you?"

She shook her head. "I doubt he will. I just, I don't know, I'm just a bit shaken up. Sorry."

"Don't worry," Harry said again, tilting her chin up so that she was staring him straight in the eyes. "Nikki, I'm always here for you, you know that. And as I keep telling you, you've got nothing to be sorry for. Listen, do you want to stay with me for a couple of days, just till you readjust?"

Nikki shook her head. "Thanks, but if I do that it's just going to get worse. He's not going to come back Harry, and I need to convince myself of that, or I'm just going to get silly about being in my own house on my own." She smiled slightly. "Thanks anyway though."

"You're welcome," Harry smiled, but frowned as Nikki's expression suddenly changed to one of pain, and her hand flew to her lower abdomen. "What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. "Nikki?"

But Nikki just shook her head as the uncomfortable sensation passed through her stomach; it was normal, she knew, what she was feeling was normal, but something was telling her that it wasn't normal for it to hurt, not like this, so she reacted in the only way she knew how, and blocked it out. She couldn't deal with it; the only way out was to ignore it and convince herself she was fine, even if part of her wasn't so sure.

"I'm fine," she told Harry. "Just women's troubles, that's all." But she wasn't sure he believed her, but as she felt her mobile vibrate, she knew she had bigger things to worry about. Like the results of her DNA tests on Isabella and Oliver Greenfield.

**Good? Bad? OK? Please review and let me know!**


	29. Bury the Truth

**Here's the next one then! Glad everyone is still reading this; thank you thank you thank you to gemS, tigpop, emmaJ1996, timelove, gevaudan, savingthestars and lizziginne for your reviews, they made my day, as usual! :) Please keep reading and reviewing, and to everyone who hasn't reviewed yet, or hasn't done so for a while, now is the time! Please?**

**This chapter sees a new break in the phoenix case, and Bai is going to start becoming more and more involved from now on! And emmaJ1996, don't worry, I already have a Harry/Bai scene ready and written, just waiting for the right point in the story. **

**Hope you enjoy this one,**

**Flossiexx**

**Chapter 28**

**Bury the Truth**

**Tuesday 17th May 2011**

**-12.39pm**

"You were right!" Zak called down the Lyell Centre corridor to Nikki as she made her way into work that afternoon. "The DNA profiles on the Greenfield children have come back- I've put them on your desk! They're not related!"

"They're not?" Nikki echoed, stopping in the corridor to talk. "Who else knows?"

"No one yet, I thought I'd save you the honour," Zak replied. "I've phoned the police though, to tell them we've got a lead for them, but I'll let you tell them exactly what it is."

"OK, thanks!" Nikki called after him as he disappeared towards the cutting room, before proceeding into her and Harry's office, sighing at the sight of his empty desk, and then picking up the large brown envelope at her own desk, and settling down in Harry's chair to open it. She had been right; according to the DNA reports, there was no chance that Isabella and Oliver Greenfield were even slightly related. She didn't feel proud of herself for working it out though, as she would have in most other cases, because she hadn't done anything other than take the knowledge someone else had given her and prove it to be true. Bai had told her enough about the Phoenix Movement back in January for her to guess the truth about the Greenfield children.

The next step was to inform Leo of her findings, so Nikki picked up the envelope and made her way to her boss's office. When she reached the office, she found Leo busy tidying up a pile of case files, looking rather stressed out, and she felt instantly guilty for having taken the morning off. But he had told her over the phone that he would be able to cope…

"Afternoon," Leo smiled at her, looking up from the case files. "How's Harry doing then?"

"He's much better," Nikki responded, eager to convince him to allow Harry to come back to work, and feeling guilty that she was doing it for herself as much as for her friend. "He says he wants to come back to work."

"So he told me," said Leo. "I know he wants to come back Nikki, but I want to be sure he's ready. I'm thinking we'll give him until the end of the week and let him come back on Monday, does that sound like a fair compromise?"

"Well I think so, but good luck getting Harry to see it that way!" Nikki laughed. "On a serious note though, we need to get in touch with the police. I've got the results back from the DNA samples I took from the Greenfield children, and they're definitely not siblings, despite the New Beginnings Adoption Agency and the Vietnamese orphanage insisting that they were, so…" she trailed off, having caught the strange look on Leo's face. "What is it?"

"Oh, it's-"Leo stopped, looking straight into Nikki's eyes. "Promise you won't tell anyone?"

Nikki nodded.

"You know Janet and I were thinking of adopting a few months ago, but we decided against it?"

Again, Nikki nodded.

"Well we've had another think, and we've decided to apply after all. To…"

"To New Beginnings Adoption Agency," Nikki realized. "Oh Leo, why didn't you say anything before now?"

"Because nothing's been definite until recently- we had a lot to think about. First we were definitely going to adopt, then I decided I couldn't face having another child and Janet stopped talking about it, then we that breakthrough with the phoenix case a few months back and we couldn't help but think 'what if that happened to us?', and now we've decided that we do want to adopt after all, so we sent the application form off a couple of weeks ago. I was planning on telling you and Harry, but then Hungary happened, and we haven't yet had a chance to get the 2 of you together and tell you."

"But that's fantastic, Leo!" Nikki gasped excitedly, giving her boss a hug. "So you and Janet are definitely adopting?"

"That's the plan," Leo confirmed, hugging her back. "It might take a while though; we've applied to Vietnam using the same agency as the Greenfield children were from, as you know, so the whole process might be slowed down considerably depending on whether or not the agency or the orphanage is involved. And I don't see how they couldn't be; do you know many 5 year olds who get themselves involved with secret societies and tattooing?"

"None," Nikki lied. She did know of one, but she wasn't going to tell him that. She wasn't prepared to tell him about Bai. "We'll have to get the police to investigate the agency."

But she knew that they were wasting their time following that route; New Beginnings Adoption Agency were entirely innocent in the whole phoenix mess, as was the Vietnamese orphanage. All they had done was take in 2 abandoned children and found them a good home and a new life when Bai and his…colleagues… had decided they weren't suitable for his sick little mission and dumped them in a strange country to avoid them being traced back to him. The only person who deserved to be brutally investigated was Bai, but the police were never going to catch him, and Nikki knew it. After all, how could they possibly catch someone who, according to passports, visas, immigration, the lot, didn't even know existed?

It was almost the end of the day before DCI Page finally called by the Lyell Centre. He looked tired and flustered, suggesting to Nikki that he hadn't been given much in the way of a break all day, not since Nikki had called him with the news that Isabella and Oliver Greenfield were not really related that morning.

"Have you 2 got a moment?" he asked Nikki and Leo, and they nodded and led him into the conference room. "Things have taken a bit of a turn for the worse, I'm afraid. I have a nasty feeling one of you might be heading out to the Vietnamese London Embassy later."

"Why?" Nikki asked shakily, her blood running cold. 'Please god, don't tell me Bai's been out on the rampage again,' she groaned to herself, trying desperately to block out the pain from the movement within her stomach that had, scarily, started up again as soon as her thoughts had turned to Bai. It was like it knew.

"I'll get to that in a minute," DCI Page replied grimly. "I'll start off by telling you about the Agency. We made contact with them this morning to explain the situation, and naturally they were rather fed up when they found out we'd have to conduct a thorough search of their premises, but in their defence they have been nothing but cooperative so far. We can't be completely sure yet, but we think the agency are more or less innocent in all this. We've been lucky enough to get permission to examine some of the other children adopted from both Vietnam and South Korea through New Beginnings over the past few years, and none of them have the phoenix tattoo anywhere on their body, which makes it seem rather unlikely that either the agency or the orphanage are involved with the Phoenix Movement. We did have a theory that the Greenfield children were North Korean orphans smuggled across the border into Vietnam by the Phoenix Movement, and that the tattoo was a way of marking them to show the success of the Movement. There have been some cases of branding for that purpose in African Warzones, but we've found nothing to suggest that's the case here. We've got a huge list of other possible leads that we're following up on as we speak, so we should be able to give you some more information in the morning. Going back to the Greenfield children's DNA results; both the agency and the orphanage are denying all knowledge, and we can't think of a reason why they'd lie; it's much, much easier to get single children adopted than sibling sets, so it just doesn't make sense. The only possible explanation is that they turned up together after their involvement with the Phoenix Movement, but we're still investigating exactly what that involvement was.

"On a different note, one of you is probably going to be called out to attend to a body at the Vietnamese Embassy in half an hour or so. I had a call just as I was leaving the office, telling me that the body of another oriental child has been found outside the Vietnamese Embassy, chained to the doorway. There's some words written in graffiti on the archway around the door, but it's all in another language and we haven't had it translated yet. We think it's related though, because there's a phoenix sprayed on all the front windows of the building. It sounds like this case is getting pretty nasty, so just be ready, OK? Which one of you is on call tonight?"

"I am," Nikki told him quietly, trying to conceal her panic. "I'll see you there, I guess."

"You will," DCI Page agreed. "You and I are going to get to know each other very well, I would have thought. Every time we think we're getting somewhere in this case, things just go and get even more complicated."


	30. The 2nd piece of the puzzle

**Sorry about the delay with this one guys, I've been quite busy at school :( But it's a fairly long one, and we find out more about the Phoenix Movement, Bai, and a little bit about what's going on :) There's a lot of background about the Vietnam War which you will need for later chapters, and if you're very, very clever you might work out why Bai did what he did to Nikki… **

**Thank you so much to my reviewers, tigpop, lizziginne, gemS, timelove, emmaJ1996 and gevaudan, you guys are awesome! And thank you to everyone who has been reading, please feel free to leave me a review! I will love you forever!**

**Hope this one explains a little bit, and I'll have the next chapter, all about Nikki's crime scene and some H/N up for you as soon as I can, hopefully tomorrow but on Friday at the latest :)**

**Flossiexx**

**Chapter 29**

**The second piece of the puzzle**

**Tuesday 17th May 2011**

**-6.09pm**

"Professor Dalton?" Leo turned around to see Zak standing behind him, calling his name. "I know you're probably about to go home, but you've got a visitor."

Leo sighed and leaned back in his chair, realizing that he wasn't going to be getting home any time soon. Ii was almost half an hour after he normally left the office, Harry was taking time off and Nikki had been called out to a crime scene at the Vietnamese Embassy, as predicted by DCI Page, so he was the only person available to see the visitor. He had no choice; he was going to have to stay.

"OK then Zak," Leo groaned, giving in. "Anyone we know?"

"No, I don't think so. Old-ish woman, oriental, strong accent? Gave her name as Lan Phom, said she had some information for you regarding the Phoenix Case?"

"The Phoenix Case?" Leo blurted, suddenly feeling much more alert. "Well in that case, tell her to come in."

The woman who entered Leo's office a couple of minutes later was a few years older than Leo himself, but a good deal shorter; maybe 5 foot tall, if that. Her long, tangled black hair was streaked with grey, and her narrow brown eyes bore a distinctly haunted look.

"Professor Leo Dalton?" she asked nervously, relaxing visibly when Leo nodded. "I'm Lan Phom, I have some information I think you might find useful, to do with a case I believe you and your team are working on at the moment." Her English was heavily accented, but fluent.

"Nice to meet you," Leo greeted her, shaking Lan's hand and gesturing for her to sit down. "What information do you have, then? You do know you could have just gone to the police, they could have helped you too." He was still slightly annoyed at her for having caused him to be late home, but excited at the same time that she might hold a vital piece of information that could help the pathologists and police to finally solve the phoenix case.

"I don't trust the police," Lan replied darkly. "Where I come from, I was taught never to trust the Police."

"And where is it that you come from, if you don't mind me asking?" Leo asked politely.

"Saigon, South Vietnam. I was 6 years old when the war broke out. How much do you know about the Vietnam War, Professor Dalton?"

"Very little," Leo confessed. He and Janet had done some research on Vietnam and the war when they had first looked into international adoption, but it had made little sense to them. "It was a civil war, wasn't it? Over communism? Vietnam, Laos and Cambodia, is that right?"

"That's it in a nutshell, yes," replied Lan Phom. "But you're wondering what the Vietnam War has to do with your Phoenix victims, are you Professor Dalton? The war had everything to do with them, but first you need to understand why war broke out in the first place.

What you have to understand is that throughout history, the Vietnamese- my people- have always seemed to be occupied by someone or another. First it was the Chinese, then the Japanese, then the French, and then the Japanese again… the list is endless. Over time my people became more and more frustrated with life under occupation, as you can imagine. And so in 1941, a group known as the Việt Minh was founded in Vietnam, to campaign for independence from France and Japan. They had very little success though; the whole thing was a bit of a wash-out. But in 1945, when the Japanese surrendered at the end of WWII, everything changed.

"The French had withdrawn their troops from Indochina because of WWII, and so with the Japanese gone, the Việt Minh was finally able to act. There was a revolution, and by September 1945, the leader of the Việt Minh, Ho Chi Minh, had declared himself the leader of the Independent Republic of Vietnam. That's where the Vietnamese name for Saigon, Ho Chi Minh City comes from.

After that, there was a brief power struggle with the French, but by 1954, the French had left Indochina, and Laos, Cambodia and Vietnam were all granted independence. Vietnam was temporarily split into north and south, and free elections were to be held in 1955 to choose which way the unified country's government would swing- capitalist or communist. The communists in Vietnam all moved up to the north, while the capitalists were forced to flee to the south, my family among them. We had heard about the communist regime in North Korea, and we knew that wasn't the sort of environment we wanted to live in. That was why we moved to Ho Chi Minh City, or Saigon. With me so far?"

Leo nodded. "So Vietnam was split in 2, and granted independence. That was why all the trouble started, wasn't it?"

Lan nodded. "There was no freedom in the communist North. When the time came for elections, the prime minister of Southern Vietnam- my country- called them off, because he knew they would not have been free elections at all. In a communist country, the people have no choice but to vote for a communist party. We would have become a united Vietnam, but we would have been communist, and that was one thing my people in the South were not prepared to be.

"I'm going to give you a very basic explanation of what happened next, because otherwise, we'd be here all night. But basically, the Northern communist Vietnamese decided that if the South would not become communist by choice, then they would take us by force. Their army invaded the Southern state of Vietnam, aided by the Viet Cong, a group of communist southern Vietnamese. The war was horrific, absolutely horrific, but that's another story.

"In the end, the Americans got involved, and things became 10 times worse. The war lasted for years, but by 1975 Saigon, the capital of Southern Vietnam, my country, had fallen to the communists. Vietnam was reunited, and my country has been part of a communist regime ever since." Lan's eyes were glazing over as she recounted the recent history of her country.

"It sounds terrible," Leo said with feeling. "But what does this have to do with the Phoenix Movement?"

"Because the Phoenix Movement was born out of the fall of Saigon," Lan explained. "When I saw that my country was gone for good, I fled with a group of friends to China; friends who were as anti-communist as I was. I believe you are familiar with the name of one of my friends, Bai Lưu?"

"Bai Lưu?" Leo repeated. "He was sending letters to one of our Phoenix Victims, Michelle Yu, a few weeks before she died. So you knew him?"

"Once, a long time ago," Lan replied. "The group of us had heard how bad the communist regime was getting in North Korea, and we wanted to see if we could help. We couldn't go back to our own country without fear of execution, as we had fought actively on the side of the south, and the communists might well have ordered our execution. To this day it's not safe for me to go back to Vietnam.

"Anyway, so my friends and I travelled to the Chinese border, and from there we were able to see the chaos in North Korea. It was only early days and practically heaven there compared to how it is now, but the country was still in a mess, and so many of the people were desperate to be reunited with the capitalists in the south. So our group set up a society, the Phoenix Movement, and we aimed to improve the lives of the North Koreans. We smuggled them in food, set up an underground railway to smuggle people out into China, but nothing major.

"You have to understand that the group of us saw terrible things back home in Saigon, Professor Dalton, and those things drove us all a bit crazy. But it was Bai who suffered the most. He would never talk about the things he saw by fighting in Saigon, but all of us could see how badly it had affected him. He was desperate to bring about change, so much so that he dedicated years of his life to planning the collapse of the North Korean government. He and a North Korean man the Phoenix Movement helped to defect, they worked on it together. I don't know his name- all the adults inside the Phoenix Movement were given code names. We were sneaking into North Korea to bring in food and technology on a regular basis, and anyone could be a spy on the side of the North Koreans, trying to catch us in the act. We couldn't have friends, not outside or inside the movement. It was too dangerous.

"We did this for years Professor; I've lost count of how many exactly. Bai and the North Korean continued working on their plan to wreck the Kim dynasty, but we ignored them, as we didn't think anything would ever come of it. Over time the North Korean border guards began to catch on, and tried all sorts of different ways to catch us out. Some of the Phoenix group were caught and sent to the prison camps; others got away but were killed by Bai and his henchmen for letting down the movement. We couldn't afford to have those who couldn't escape on our side, he said, they'd let us down, they'd be the end of us. It got to the point where there were hardly any of us left, and so the remaining members, like me, were sent into North Korean markets to recruit people into the society. We were told to tell them how we were planning to transform North Korea, to overthrow the Kim Jong-Il and restore democracy. Most of the recruits were rebellious teenagers, wanting to escape the disciplines of their parents more than anything else. Once they had actually joined the movement and spent their days swimming back and forth through the Tumen River to take food to the Korean markets, they began to regret it I think, but once you've pledged yourself to the movement, you're a member for life. If you decided you wanted to leave, Bai would hunt you down and kill you. He said he couldn't risk any information about the Phoenix Movement reaching the outside world. He was deluded. All we were doing was smuggling some food and helping people defect, nothing different to hundreds of other groups along the Korean border.

"Then one day Bai and the North Korean defector friend announced to the Phoenix Movement that they'd come up with a plan to overthrow the North Korean government."

"What?" Leo exclaimed, before he could stop himself.

"Thank was our reaction", Lan explained grimly. "They wouldn't tell us what their plan was, only that we were all going to have to work harder than ever. We bought an old farm plot near to the border to use as a permanent base, and we were all instructed to recruit as many people as possible, and find out what the situation was within North Korea from as many different sources of information as possible. We bought North Korean newspapers during our visits into Chongjin, but they were full of government propaganda and hardly any truth, so we had to find out as much as we could from the people themselves. Any information we got, no matter how petty, had to be reported back to Bai and the other leaders. Then one day, Bai started bringing children back to our base."

"Children?" Leo cried. "But what on earth was he doing dragging children into all of this? How were they going to help? How old were they?"

"The oldest were about 6, the youngest only babies," Lan sighed. "No one knew what he was planning on getting them to do. We were just told to look after them, and to teach them. He was obsessed with teaching them; mostly Japanese samurai inspired martial arts training. He had recruited a Japanese Korean who had trained in martial arts before the partition of Korea; he taught them self-defence, how to walk across a wooden floor without making a sound, how to make yourself invisible when there was nowhere to hide… the list was endless. We thought he was training them up as old-style Buddhist warriors, aiming for them to attack the Kim's palace in Pyongyang and give him and the Phoenix Movement the chance to take over control of Korea. But it wasn't just the martial arts. He had some of them learning instruments, some of them gymnastics, some of them Korean folk dance, and if they weren't up to standard he…" Lan cut off, fighting back tears.

"He killed them, murdered them in cold blood, saying they weren't up to the job. Only a handful made it through the training, and when they were 'ready' he'd take them through into North Korea, for the first stage of their 'mission'. We never saw any of them again.

"Eventually, myself and 2 friends, a South Vietnamese couple named Nguyen Thi and Nguyen Luc, were asked to do his dirty work for him. We were given a 4 year old girl and a baby, and told to dispose of them. But we couldn't do it. My friends took them to an orphanage in South Vietnam, where they thought they'd be safe from the Phoenix Movement, as half of us still can't go back there. They gave them their family names; the children became Nguyen Thi Van and Nguyen Dai Luc" She sighed. "I believe you know the children as Isabella and Oliver Greenfield."


	31. Dangers and Demons

**Chapter 30 is here guys! Sorry it's later than planned, but it's the weekend tomorrow, so hopefully I can get lots more chapters written up :) Big big thank you to tigpop, timelove, gemS, emmaJ1996, lizziginne and gevaudan for your reviews, I honestly couldn't do this without you guys. And anyone who hasn't reviewed yet, please do now! It'll only take a minute, honest! Timelove in answer to your question, I knew quite a lot of the Vietnam War stuff already as I was adopted from there as a toddler, but I did have to do some research on North Korea :)**

**Enjoy this one, and they'll be more very soon…**

**Love Florenciaxxx**

**Chapter 30**

**Dangers and Demons**

**Tuesday 17th May 2011**

**-6.22pm**

"Nikki! Nikki!"

Nikki jumped and turned to look behind her, recognising the voice calling for her but wary of it at the same time. She seemed to be wary of everything nowadays, even the sound of her best friend.

"Harry!" she called, rushing across the car park towards him, lugging her case of equipment behind her. She had received a call from the police about half an hour earlier, calling her out to a crime scene at the London Vietnamese Embassy; the case DCI Page had mentioned earlier. But what was Harry doing there? He was still signed off work until the end of the week at a minimum. He should be at home.

"Harry, what are you doing here?" she asked as she finally caught up with him. "You're not due back at work until next week!"

"I got called out!" Harry said with a grin, holding up his mobile phone. "It should be my night on call on Tuesdays, remember? Leo must have forgotten to let the police know I was off work!"

"No he didn't, or else I wouldn't have been called out," Nikki sighed. "Seriously Harry, you should be at home, recovering. This case sounds pretty nasty; it's the last thing you need right now."

"I'm fine!" Harry insisted. "I'm fine, and anyway, I'm here now so I might as well stay. And you've only just got here, so how do you know so much about this case already? They haven't told me a thing yet!"

"DCI Page warned me about this earlier," Nikki confessed. "He said it was the mangled body of an oriental child, found chained across the doorway of the embassy, with a message written in graffiti on the walls above. Still sure you want to stay?"

Harry stopped to think for a moment, pulling a face. "Well, it does sound rather grim. But I can hardly leave you to deal with it by yourself, can I? You're not getting rid of me that easily, Dr Alexander, I'm simply going to have to stay and help you."

"Harry…" Nikki protested, before cutting off, knowing that arguing with him would be pointless. It seemed that Harry had made up his mind, and she didn't have the strength to argue with him. Sleeping was starting to become uncomfortable, and that on top of her insomnia had left Nikki feeling more exhausted than ever, but she refused to give in. There was nothing wrong with her; she was fine. She was fine.

"Go on then, stay if you want," Nikki sighed. "But on two conditions."

"And what would those be?" Harry teased her.

"1: you're my assistant, not the other way round."

"Fine, fine, I suppose I can live with that," Harry sighed dramatically. "What's the other condition?"

"That if and when Leo finds out about this, you're accepting sole responsibility."

"What?" Harry exclaimed, then caught the look on Nikki's face and decided that she was being kind enough already.

"Fine then. Come on, we've got a case to solve."

It was a surprisingly cold evening for mid-May, and Nikki found herself shivering as she and Harry made their way up to the front entrance of the Vietnamese Embassy. It was tempting to pull her jacket around herself as protection from the cold, but Nikki knew better than to risk it, knowing that the secret she was trying so desperately to hide was becoming more and more obvious by the day. Part of her, the part that was still sane, was telling her to just reveal all to Harry, that he could help if only she let him, but she was still terrified. Terrified of his reaction, terrified of what might or might not be wrong with her, and above all else, terrified of how her life was going to change. She wasn't prepared to face it, not yet.

The body of the child had been lowered from the chains still strung across the doorway of the embassy, and was now laid across a thin sheet on the paving slabs. Nikki stopped at the sight of the body and knelt down beside it, opening her case and beginning her examination, as Harry introduced the two of them to the police inspector on the scene; a tall, blonde woman named DCI Cooper.

"It seems to be the body of a male child, most likely between 8 and 11 years of age," Nikki commented as she began to examine the body. He's been badly beaten; the body is severely bruised, and there are several lacerations to the limbs and chest. The bruises appear to be old, suggesting a background of abuse, but the lacerations are fresh, not enough to be the main cause of death, but possibly a contributing factor." She paused to pull back the mangled remains of a shirt covering the child's chest, and found herself confronted with a large, bloody wound on the boy's chest, directly over his heart. "Gunshot wound to the chest," she muttered under her breath, sighing softly. Was this killing of the innocent ever going to end?

"Nikki."

She turned round at the sound of her name to find Harry standing behind her, staring up at the wall above the entrance. Just as the police had described, there were a number of words written in some strange language on the whitewashed bricks, but something didn't look right about the graffiti. It was the colour, Nikki realized, the colour of the red graffiti letters seemed odd, and much darker than any other graffiti paint she had seen before. Almost crimson coloured.

"It's blood, Nikki," Harry groaned, and Nikki's heart skipped a beat. "They've left a message behind, written in his blood."

It took every ounce of willpower Nikki possessed in order to stop herself from vomiting there and then, even after 7 years of experience as a pathologist, and even longer spent as a medical student. Bai had gone too far this time, way too far. How could anyone possibly justify this? It was vile, it was inhuman, and it was certainly no way to die for a child. Especially one who, knowing Bai, had probably done nothing wrong.

"It's pretty grim, isn't it?" Harry and Nikki turned to see a short oriental man making his way up the steps towards them. "You're the pathologists? I'm George Trang, Vietnamese translator and liaison worker with the police." He nodded towards the crimson letters which seemed to stand out menacingly against the pureness of the white wall.

"Chúng tôi phải trả trong máu của người dân của chúng tôi" he read from the wall, glancing at the pathologists before he gave them the translation. "It's Vietnamese, as you might have guessed. It translates as 'We pay in the blood of our people.'"

"We pay in the blood of our people?" Harry repeated, astounded. "What on earth is that supposed to mean? Are you sure?"

"Positive," George Trang replied. "The police think this is related to some other cases I believe you've been working on, to do with the murders of North Korean defectors in a shopping centre? Apparently someone connected with a group called the Phoenix Movement made contact with your boss this evening, giving the police reason to think that we're dealing with some kind of terrorist organisation. They suggest you go home for now, but they'll want to talk to you both in the morning."

"So you still don't know what it is we're dealing with?" Nikki asked, with her voice shaking as she did so. 'Because I do,' she tried to add, but the words wouldn't come out. 'Because I know exactly what this is, and there's no stopping it. It's just going to keep on going until you catch the ringleader, but you've got know way of doing that. Not until I tell you what I know, but I can never, ever do that. Not if I want to survive this, both physically and emotionally.'


	32. An apology from a broken heart

**Here's the next chapter :) Not so many reviews for the last one guys :( but I'm putting it down to everyone being busy with GCSEs/A Levels/ other horrible exams, am I right? Hope they're going OK for everyone involved, but please please please can you try and find the time to leave me a quick review? If I don't get many reviews then I don't know if you're still enjoying this! Constructive criticism is welcome too, as long as it is constructive! And thank you to those who did review: tigpop, gemS and emmaJ1996. Xx**

**Things are going to start moving much more quickly from here on in, and this chapter should explain a bit as to what's going on inside Nikki's head. Then in the next few chapters, all will be revealed, but I'm only uploading them if I get enough reviews! Anonymous ones are welcome too!**

**Hope you enjoy- let me know!**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 31**

**An apology from a broken heart**

**Thursday 2nd June 2011**

**-4.50am**

_I'm not sure quite how to write this, because I'm afraid you don't have a name yet; I haven't even got an inkling. You don't have a father either, at least, not one you want anything to do with, trust me on that. You don't have a grandmother- she's long gone- and your grandfather's more than useless. I don't know if you've got any relatives on the other side of the family. You must do, I guess, but I don't want to know about them, and neither do you. And the saddest part of all this is that you don't even have a mother, not really. You just have me; you just have someone who's been left so afraid, so traumatized, that they can't seem to function properly anymore. You just have someone who can't look after you properly, even now. I've failed you before you're even here._

_It's difficult to explain how you make me feel. I know you don't mean to cause me any pain, and I know it's not your fault, but the fact remains that you're a constant reminder of something I don't want to remember, not ever. I could have gotten rid of you a long time ago, and I still could if I really wanted to, I guess, but I can't bring myself to do it. Because you don't deserve this. You're still so small, so innocent, and you don't deserve to pay with your life for something your father did. That's not fair. _

_I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that right now, it's fairly bleak. Could I ever bring myself to love you, after everything that's happened? I don't know. I don't even know that you're healthy, that you're safe, because I'm too scared to face up to your mere existence. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Maybe when I see you I'll feel something for you, but right now there's nothing there. Maybe I'll give you up and find you a nice family, a proper one who'll love you and care for you in a way I don't think I ever could. I can't promise you anything except this: if I see you and know I could never love you, I promise to let you go. I won't sentence you to a life of feeling unwanted and unloved, knowing you should never have existed, not if your mother hadn't been… well, that doesn't matter. But I won't do that to you, not ever, and that's a promise. You deserve better. _

_We're going home tomorrow, the two of us. Well, it might never be your home, but it's my home at least. We're going to see an old friend of mine, and she's going to help us. I think you'll like her. She's going to murder me when she finds out that I've kept you from her, from everyone, but I'll deal with that when it happens. What matters is that Martha, my friend, is going to help us out of this mess. _

_There's one problem Martha can't help me with though, and that's the Phoenix Movement. Your Dad. It just doesn't seem to stop, not since the poor boy found outside the Vietnamese Embassy. You've been able to hear for weeks now- your ears are fully formed- so I guess you might remember. God, I'm going crazy; of course you don't remember. How could you? You're not even your own person yet, you're still completely dependent on me. And you have no idea how much that terrifies me. _

_So, things have got pretty crazy since the body found at the Vietnamese Embassy, since the latest victim of the Phoenix Movement was killed. It's all a mess. It's been weeks, but still no one knows who that child was, who killed him, and why it had to happen, or the meaning of the message written in blood above his body. And I feel terrible, because the worst thing is, I could have stopped it. If I'd only stalled your Dad for long enough to phone the police back in January, then at least 10 innocent lives could have been saved, maybe more. But if I'd done that, then you would have never existed. So I suppose I can't really wish that, can I? That wouldn't be fair on you. _

_But now I don't know what to do. As a pathologist- and that's something you shouldn't know about until you're much, much older, but I think it's probably too late for that now- I have a duty to report the truth, but this time that's not so easy. It's not so much that I don't want to relive that night, the night your father told me everything, it's more that I can't physically make myself. It's like it's locked away inside my head, and I can access it enough to think about it every second of the day, to relive it, but I can't form the words to explain it to anyone. That's why you've remained my secret for so long. Your very existence is connected to the Phoenix Movement and to Bai, and so to tell anyone about them would be to tell them about you too. I think I must be going crazy; Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or something like that. Maybe that's why I can hardly bear to admit to myself that you exist, because there's something wrong with me. But I don't want there to be anything wrong with me. I don't want your Dad to take anything more from me than he already has. _

_I don't really know why I'm writing this to you. Maybe I'll give it to your parents when I hand you over to them, if that's what I decide. It'll be years and years before they let you read it, and even then you won't understand what on earth I'm wittering on about, will you? You'll think that your mother was crazy, possibly an addict, possibly mentally ill. I'm not either though. I just got caught up in something so big, so crazy and so soul-destroying that it sent me crazy. And if you remember nothing else at all from this letter, then remember this: I'm so, so sorry it turned out like this. __I really am._

_**Love your mum,**_

_**Nikki xxx**_

**I've had another go at Nikki's handwriting- hope it worked :) Now please press the review button and I'll love you forever! xx**


	33. And so it begins

**It's all getting serious from here on in guys… thank you SO much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter- tigpop, HarryandNikki, gevaudan, gemS, emmaJ1996, timelove and lizziginne, you are all AMAZING and I couldn't write this without you! And thank you to all my readers who haven't reviewed yet… but I'll love you even more if you review this one!**

**Enjoy… and if you think you know what's going to happen next, let me know!**

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 32**

**And so it begins**

**Friday 3rd June 2011**

**-9.14am**

"Nikki, do you really need all this for 2 weeks?" Harry Cunningham groaned, staring at the 2 large suitcases, the handbag and the flight bag that he just knew he would be carrying down the stairs and out of his best friend's building; the trouble with old blocks of flats was that there was rarely a lift. "You are planning on coming back… right?"

Nikki began to giggle. "Of course I am, Harry! If nothing else, somebody has to make sure your paperwork gets handed in on time!"

"Oi!" Harry protested, bending to pick up one of her suitcases and her flight bag. "Got everything? Passports? Ticket? Mobile? Chocolate supply?"

It was the morning of Nikki's flight out to South Africa, and Harry had taken the morning off in order to drive her to the airport. Nikki had tried to argue, saying that she was quite capable of getting a taxi, but Harry had insisted that, if nothing else, he wanted the morning off.

"Chocolate supply?" Nikki echoed. "What do I need that for?"

"Because I happen to know you well enough to know that you can't function without chocolate," Harry responded. "And because I tried South African chocolate last summer, and that stuff's worse than the American chocolate."

"Well, you're not used to it," Nikki responded, slinging her handbag over her shoulder and scanning the room quickly, before grabbing the handle of her remaining suitcase.

"OK, I think that's everything. Shall we go?"

Harry nodded, and followed her towards the door.

"And you are going to drop by every couple of days to water the plants, right?"

Harry just rolled his eyes and helped her lift her suitcase through the doorframe, while making a mental note to water the plants religiously, or else.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright?" Harry asked as he pulled up outside Terminal 5 of Heathrow Airport. He was still worried about her, now more than ever. There had been something strange about her these past few weeks, but try as he might, he couldn't work out what it was. Now she was off to South Africa for 2 weeks, by herself, and that meant that over the next 14 days, he wouldn't be able to check on her, to make sure she was OK. He knew she was staying with Martha, so she would have her, but still he was worried. Because it was his job to look after Nikki; he knew her better than anyone else. Maybe it was selfish, but he wanted to be the one to help her. And he didn't want to let her go, not knowing that she still wasn't behaving like her normal self, or at least, what had been her normal self, back in January.

"Harry!" Nikki protested, but smiling all the same. "Of course I'm going to be fine! Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, for starters, you're going to have to survive without me for an entire fortnight!" Harry joked, cutting off as she punched him playfully in the ribs. "Hey! What was that for?"

"For being full of yourself," Nikki replied simply, climbing out of the car and moving round to the boot, before lifting the first of her suitcases out. "And thank you."

"You're welcome," Harry replied, reaching into the boot for her second case. Neither of them bothered to confirm what the other was talking about; they didn't need to. Harry and Nikki had always been able to read each other like a book.

He pulled her quickly into a hug, frowning slightly as something felt different about her, but pushed it to the back of his mind as he was forced to say goodbye. "You'll phone, yes?"

"Promise," Nikki told him, before stepping away and lifting her cases onto a trolley. "I'll see you in 2 weeks, OK?"

Harry remained cheerful as he said goodbye to Nikki, but as she walked away into the Airport and he was left alone, he couldn't help but let out a long, defeated sigh. He didn't want her to go. He was still worried about her; she seemed better today, but that was because she had South Africa to look forward to. Over the past 2 weeks she had seemed more withdrawn than ever, flinching at the slightest thing, and constantly preoccupied. Leo had noticed it too, and the 2 of them had tried again to find out what was wrong, but all their efforts were in vain. Leo agreed with Harry that whatever it was that was troubling Nikki was most likely the same thing that she had been upset about on and off for almost 6 months- possibly the bad break up she had told Harry about, possibly something else- but other than that, they were at a loss. The pair of them had decided to wait until Nikki was back from South Africa and see if she was any better then, but otherwise to take further action, maybe send her off to a counsellor, to see if that would help. Because she couldn't go on like this. Both of them knew that sooner or later she was going to crack; it was just a question of when. And when she did, they would be ready. Because they were her family, and they wouldn't let whatever it was that was causing her so much pain destroy her.

But as Nikki Alexander checked in her bags and crossed the airport to make her way through customs, her mind absorbed with thoughts of returning home, and how she was possibly going to explain herself to Martha, she didn't notice the short, stocky figure observing her from a quiet corner of the baggage area. Smirking to himself as he watched her disappear out of sight, he waited until the coast was clear, and then moved to join the end of the queue Nikki had just left. He pulled his 'passport' from his pocket as he waited his turn to check in his baggage, marvelling at the forgery he held in his hands- the best he'd used yet, he was certain. Today he was Shin Mori, a Japanese South African citizen travelling out to Cape Town on a passport from his adopted country. Tomorrow, he might be someone else. But wherever he went and whoever he pretended to be, he would still be the same man inside; that identity would cling to him for eternity. On the surface, he might be Shin Mori, but inside, he was still Bai Lưu.

"Going home, sir?" asked the woman behind the desk, trying to make polite conversation with him. Bai decided to play along, for now at least. What was the harm? She'd never work out who he was; there was no danger of that. His tracks were fully covered, his identity kept hidden. She'd never discover his secret.

"Yes," he replied, his best Japanese accent distorting the sound ever-so-slightly. "To see my baby."

"Ah, that's nice. What's his name?"

"She," Bai decided, having not given the subject much thought until now. He wanted a girl, he decided, that way she might look more like her mother. "And her name's Hong-hanh."

"Hong-hanh?" the woman tried, pronouncing it more like 'On-ha', but that didn't matter to Bai. "That's a pretty name. Japanese, is it?"

"Vietnamese," Bai corrected her. "It means 'pink apricot blossom'. The most beautiful scent in the world. Always reminds me of home, pink apricot blossom. That's what she'll remind me of, too."

And with that, Bai slung his backpack over his shoulder, picked up his 'passport', and headed off in the same direction Nikki had, just minutes earlier. 'If you think it's been bad so far, then you've no idea what's going to hit you next, Nikki Alexander,' he muttered under his breath. 'Absolutely no idea.'


	34. Let there be hope

**Sorry it's not a hugely long one today :( It was going to be longer, but I've been incredibly busy today with Spanish writing assessments, physio appointments, practise for my viola exam (in just over a week. Uh Oh :() and helping plan a relief package and fundraiser for the victims of the Japanese earthquake and tsunami at my Buddhist Centre, to name a few! The next one will be longer, promise!**

**Big hugs to tigpop, gemS, emmaJ1996, timelove, lizziginne and gevaudan for your reviews, love you guys :) xx please keep the reviews coming, they make me write so much faster!**

**Martha's back in this one… hope you like!  
Florenciaxxx**

**Chapter 33**

**Let there be Hope**

**Saturday 4th June 2011**

**-1.32am**

Nikki Alexander yawned as she stepped off the plane onto the runway, the cold winds of the night hitting her instantly, causing her to shiver and pull her cardigan tightly around herself. She was safe here; for the moment, she was faced by nobody she knew, which meant she didn't have to fight to keep her secret hidden, not until she met Martha, at least. She didn't have to worry about the change in her appearance; it wasn't as obvious as it should be at this stage, she knew, but it was obvious enough if she let it stare someone how knew her in the face. Nikki winced slightly as something attacked the right side of her stomach from within, and found herself pressing down on the foot, knee, elbow… whatever it was, in a frantic attempt to get it to stop. It was a tactic which had seen her through the past few months, however unfair she knew it to be, but this time it wasn't working. In her addled mental state, it seemed as if the traces of Bai which still lingered within her were fighting back, protesting against her actions. This time, it seemed that the harder she pressed, the more she was hurting herself as her fingers formed bruise upon bruise, and the harder her insides were kicked at. Part of her was still telling her that this wasn't normal, that she really should see a doctor, but she wouldn't listen. She couldn't listen. She couldn't accept the prospect of being a mother, not after everything else.

Sighing, Nikki found a quiet corner in the baggage collection area and pulled her mobile out of her pocket, before typing out a quick message to Harry.

'Arrived safely, just meeting Martha now speak 2 u 2moro Nikxx'.

Then she moved over to the baggage area and collected her suitcases, and made her way out of the airport and into the collection zone. It was the middle of the night in South Africa, but Martha had insisted on meeting her at the Airport and taking her home. Words couldn't express how grateful Nikki was for that; she still couldn't stand being alone at night, not since 'the incident'. The darkness unnerved her, and left her panicking as to who might be there with her, watching her, waiting for her to let her guard down. She couldn't stand it.

"Nikki!"

She turned at the sound of her voice, her attention drawn to a white taxi van a few cars down the collection zone. She approached it cautiously, knowing that catching a taxi in South Africa was far from the same experience it was in England; the whole business was known to be corrupt and plagued with violence.

"Niks!" Nikki recognised the voice now; it was Martha's voice. Martha was climbing out of the taxi, her face lighting up visibly as Nikki made her way towards her, stretching out her arms for a hug. But as Nikki saw her, and the nature of the news she was going to have to give the woman she considered a second mother suddenly hit her, all the excitement she had previously felt at seeing Martha suddenly faded away. How could she possibly explain all the pain she'd gone through the past few months, both the physical pain and the emotional trauma? What if Martha blamed her, what if she thought she had deserved it? How could she ever understand, how could anyone?

And so, as Nikki pushed the trolley holding her luggage towards the side of the taxi and ran towards Martha, the surge of overwhelming emotion became all too much, and suddenly she found herself bursting into tears, as she collapsed, sobbing, into Martha's arms.

Martha Manduna had known Nikki Alexander more or less since the day she was born, and had practically raised her for the first 10 years if her life. Over the years, she had experienced a whole range of emotions in the girl, or now, the woman, she thought of as a daughter, right from completely and utterly happy to distraught and unhappy. But never before had she seen Nikki so upset, so… defeated. She'd never known her to cry like this before; normally she would avoid crying openly at all costs. But now Nikki was sobbing in her arms, clinging to her as if terrified Martha would leave if she dared to let go, even for a second. Martha wasn't quite sure how to react. She'd guessed that Nikki was in a bad way emotionally after reading her letter, but she hadn't expected this. Sighing softly, she gestured to the taxi driver to load Nikki's bags into the back of the taxi, and then turned her attention back to the sobbing girl in her arms.

"Nikki, dit is alles reg. Dit is alles OK nou," she whispered, aware that she was hyperventilating and desperate to calm her down. "Nikki, it's OK now, it's alright, shh," she tried softly, not convinced her words were making much difference. Noticing that the taxi driver was ready to go, Martha prised Nikki away from her gently, steering her towards the vehicle. "I'm going to take you home now, malaika," she whispered, helped her into the taxi and giving her home address to the driver. "I'm going to take you home, and everything will seem better once you've talked about it, OK? Ek belowe. I promise."

By the time they reached Martha's home, Nikki's sobbing had ceased, but the emotion of the whole experience had proved too much, and she had cried herself to the point of exhaustion. Not wanting to wake her up but knowing she had little choice, Martha shook Nikki's shoulders gently, hoping to jolt her awake.

"Niks? Niks, we're here, come on."

Nikki shot awake almost immediately, glancing around her uneasily for a moment, before seeming to remember where she was and calming down a little. She was still merely a shadow of her usual self though, and Martha couldn't help but wonder what could have happened to her that had been bad enough to shock her into this state.

"Come on, let's go inside," she told her, allowing Nikki to grip her hand as the 2 of them clambered out of the taxi, picked up Nikki's luggage from the back of the vehicle, paid the driver and made their way to the door. God, what was it that she was so scared of?

Once inside, Martha took Nikki through to the spare bedroom, gently pushing her down onto the bed, pulling back the covers, and tucking her in fully clothed.

"Sleep," she told her, kissing her forehead as if she were a small child once more, and draping the mosquito net over her. "We'll talk in the morning, OK? Net probeer om te slaap. Just try to sleep."

**Hope you enjoyed! Off to learn my study piece now, reviews would be a lovely thing to get back to when I'm done! Please? Fxxxx**


	35. Memories and Lies

**Here's the next one guys, and it's another year of the rooster one… sorry it's not H/N but it's crucial to the plot, and there should be another Nikki and Martha one up tomorrow :) Hope that's OK xx**

**Big thank you to timelove, tigpop, gemS, lizziginne and emmaJ1996 for your reviews, you guys are awesome! Please carry on reviewing, and if you haven't reviewed yet, please start now!**

**Love you all, Flossiexx**

**Chapter 34**

**Memories and Lies**

_Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better, _

_Remember, to let her into your heart, and then you can start to make it better,_

_Hey Jude, don't be afraid, you were made to go out and get her, _

_The minute you let her under your skin, then you'll begin to make it better,_

_And any time you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,_

_Don't carry the world upon your shoulders,_

_For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool,_

_By making his world a little cooler._

_Hey Jude, don't let me down, you have found her, now go and get her,_

_Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better,_

_So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin, _

_You're waiting for someone to perform with,_

_But don't you know that it's just you? Hey Jude, you'll do, _

_The movement you need is on your shoulders._

_Hey Jude, don't make it bad, take a sad song and make it better, _

_Remember, to let her into your heart, and then you can start to make it better,_

_Hey Jude, don't be afraid, you were made to go out and get her, _

_The minute you let her under your skin, then you'll begin to make it better._

_Hey Jude, the Beatles_

**Year of the Rooster**

**-Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town**

The lyrics of the song make no sense to me, but the tune rings clear as my fingers slide along the piano keys. The words are printed in English underneath the music notes and I can't understand any of it, but I've heard the song before, and I know how the lyrics should sound. Who hasn't heard of the Beatles?

It's almost a week since my arrival in Cape Town, and I've just discovered the upright piano in the far corner of the dining room. I haven't ventured in here before today; the thick layer of dust and splintered floorboards visible from the doorframe were enough to put me off, not to mention the fact that Dad tries to avoid letting me explore the house as much as possible. He's locked me in Nicola Alexander's old bedroom most of the time, bringing me something new to keep me occupied each morning. Sometimes it's an old school textbook of maths questions or Traditional Vietnamese characters, sometimes sheets and sheets of Violin music, yesterday a CD of Mongolian-style dance music; there's a ballet bar at one end of the room, and it's just about big enough to dance in. But today my Dad has gone out, having left me with a pile of Korean grammar exercises. They weren't particularly difficult though and I was done within a couple of hours, so I ended up sitting on the window sill with the window itself wide open, staring out into the garden, when the old Vietnamese woman saw me. I know much more about her now, as she seems to be staying here too. I know her name's Phom Lan and she's from a little fishing village in South Vietnam, or at least, what was South Vietnam. She met Victor Alexander through my dad a few years ago, and she's been living here on and off ever since. She still won't tell me why she calls me 'Celin' or why she has to hurt me, but at least she brings me food when my dad is out, and earlier today she saw me leaning out of the window and came upstairs to unlock the door.

"Your dad's not due back until the evening," she told me. "So you might as well come out for a bit. Go wherever you like as long as you don't leave the house, it's fine by me. I'll have to lock you in again by 6 though."

So I came out here, discovered the piano and a stack of sheet music inside the stool, and have been here ever since, learning to play 'Hey Jude'. I'm aware of someone standing behind me, someone who can only be Lan, but I ignore her. If she thinks I'm going to forgive her for my first evening here, and every evening since, then she can think again.

"Celin?"

I stop playing and swivel round on the piano stool, turning to face Lan. She's hovering in the doorway, as if worried about the reception she might get from me, and with good reason. She's not exactly my favourite person at the moment.

"Is my dad nearly back?" I ask, trying to think of another explanation for her calling my 'name', or at least, the name she insists on calling me by. Lan tends to avoid me most of the time, except for a brief few minutes in the evenings.

She shakes her head slowly. "No," she replies. "But I wanted to give you this."

It's only now that I notice the small black box in her hand, which she is now holding out.

"What is it?"

Lan swallows, looking over her shoulder nervously.

"Do you remember anything about the last time you were out here?" she asks.

Puzzled, I shake my head.

"No, nothing. Nothing at all."

"So you don't remember your mother?"

"No," I tell her, thoroughly confused. "She left, when I was just a baby. Dad says she was ill, mentally at least. She couldn't really look after me properly, but half of the time she didn't even try. Dad says it was probably best that she went away. She wasn't ever going to get better, she was just going to end up hurting me, or him." I pause, not sure I should be telling Lan the next part, but wondering if perhaps she already knows. The way she's looking at me, the pity in her eyes, mixed with the anger, makes me think she already knows what happened to my mum, maybe even more than I do.

"It was my fault," I tell Lan sadly. "It was my fault she got ill. Dad says she was fine, until she got pregnant with me. Then I came along, and suddenly she went crazy."

"Your dad says too much," says Lan, with anger burning in her eyes. "That wasn't how it happened, Celin. That wasn't how it happened at all, and somewhere, deep down, you know it."

"But…" I start to protest, but Lan shakes her head, holding out the black box again.

"This was your mother's," she explains, gesturing to the box in her hand. "She gave it to you, the night they took her away."

"But nobody took her away," I tell her. "I told you, she left us, Dad and me. Nobody forced her to go; she made that choice all by herself. She'd have stayed if she'd really wanted to, but she didn't. She didn't want me."

"Oh, you have no idea, Celin," Lan sighs, running a hand through her hair. "That wasn't how it happened, and I should know, I was there. She loved you Celin, more than you'll ever know. She would never have left you if she could help it, trust me on that." Lan stops and looks down at the box in her hands again.

"She used to wear this all the time, 24/7 she used to tell me it reminded her of home, that it made her feel safe. But the night she left, she took it off, and put it around your neck. She said she wanted you to have it, but I knew your dad wouldn't let you keep it. So I took it off you, and kept it safe for you to have when you were older. Do you think you're old enough to keep it a secret?"

"What if I don't want it?" I ask.

Lan sighs again. "Celin, I don't know what your dad's been telling you about your mother, and truth be told, I don't want to know. But she wasn't a monster. She was the least monstrous person I ever knew, and she loved you unconditionally." She bends down until she's on my level, looking straight into my eyes.

"I want to give this to you Celin, I really do, but I'm not going to unless I'm sure you're going to look after it. This is the one bit of your mother you have left Celin, and that makes it incredibly special, can't you see that. Because one day soon, you'll start remembering, and you'll remember your real mother, not the one your father's planted in your mind. And when you do, you'll see just how precious this really is, because for the time being, this is all you have of her. So when you remember, you come and find me Celin, and I'll let you have this, but until then, I'm keeping it. I'm sorry, but it's just too precious to give to you when you still believe your father's lies."

And with that, Lan stands up and exits the room, leaving me completely confused and lost. Because all of a sudden, everything I've ever known has all come crashing down in an instant, and nothing makes any sense anymore. Because I remember, something at least.

_I'm standing in a small, cramped room, clinically white and horribly cold. There's a woman kneeling in front of me, a thin, white woman with long blonde curly hair and wide brown eyes. She looks sad, almost haunted, and there are silvery streaks running slowly down her cheeks. She's crying, and she's holding out a thin gold chain, wrapping it around my neck. She whispers something in a language I can't understand and pulls me close, until my face is buried in her hair, and I can't see. And then there's a scream, a horrible, high-pitched scream, and everything goes black._

**Hope this was OK, please let me know, and I promise there will be some more of Nikki, Harry, Leo, Martha &co up here very very soon! I have a coursework deadline on Friday and a viola exam next Thursday, so I hoping that I'll be able to do some more work on this at the weekend, and even more after my music exam :) So the updates should become a bit more frequent soon, watch this space! xx**


	36. Everybody Hurts

**OK, I know it's late but I couldn't sleep, and then I suddenly realized how I wanted to write this scene. Warning: may be upsetting. Hope it's OK, and now you should understand what happened to Nikki, and it's not nice :( **

**Well done to everyone who guessed correctly, will do a proper author's note tomorrow but too tired to function right now!**

**Love you all, and hope it's OK,**

**Flossiexx**

**Chapter 35**

**Everybody Hurts**

**Sunday 5th June 2011**

**-8.53am**

_She was screaming. Screaming and screaming, and he was powerless to stop it. Desperately, Harry reached out for Nikki's hand, trying to pull her closer and calm her down, but she just flinched away from him, and carried on screaming. _

"_It's too late Harry!" she yelled through her tears, her voice beginning to go hoarse. "Why didn't you come before Harry? Why didn't you save me? Why didn't you come before?"_

"_Nikki, I tried!" Harry sighed, trying to comfort her again, but she still wouldn't let him. "Nikki, please!"_

_But Nikki just started screaming again, although this time her screams sounded strange, electronic, almost. Harry became vaguely aware that he was dreaming, and then suddenly the scene faded away. _

Harry sat bolt upright in bed as he finally recognised the sound of his mobile ringing, checking the time on his alarm clock and sighing. 'Lyell Centre calling' read the screen on his phone. 'This had better be good,' he thought to himself crossly, fed up at having to give up his Sunday morning lie-in.

"Dr Cunningham," he groaned sleepily, rolling over in bed.

"Harry," came Zak's voice from the other end of the phone. "I'm sorry, I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"No, not at all," Harry fibbed, not wanting to make Zak feel guilty. "What is it? You know today's our day off, don't you?"

"I know, I know," said Zak, before going quiet. "Listen, Harry… I don't really know how to tell you this…"

"Tell me what?" Harry asked, suddenly on edge. "Zak?"

"Look, there's no easy way to say this Harry, but… but I had a brainwave about the phoenix case a few days ago, and you, Nikki and Leo were all out, so I just kind of…"

"Went ahead with it anyway?" Harry guessed. "Don't worry- I'd have done exactly the same thing. In fact, I have done exactly the same thing, several times. So come on then. What was your brainwave?"

"I realized that no one had actually checked the phoenix victims for samples," Zak admitted. "You know, down there samples." For a medic, he became embarrassed alarmingly easily at the thought of private areas of the body. "I think we were all tired and worked off our feet at the time, and… well nobody thought of it. So I thought I'd check the bodies of the phoenix victims and the Vietnamese boy for fluids, just to be sure we hadn't missed anything."

"So far, I don't think you're in too much trouble," said Harry. "So what did you find?"

"Evidence of fluids was present in the bodies of the elderly lady, Eun-mei Kim, Michelle Yu, Joshua Song and the Vietnamese embassy boy," Zak admitted. "And the test results showed that they'd all had sex with the same man shortly before their deaths. I only got these results back last night, I was going to ring you and Professor Dalton-"

"Zak, don't worry about it, honestly," Harry cut in. "God, how could we have missed this? So we're not just dealing with mystery killings and a secret society, we're also dealing with potential rape?"

"That's what I thought, yes" replied Zak. "I thought perhaps it could be this Vietnamese man whose name keeps cropping up- Bai Lưu. I know it could have waited until Monday, but I wanted to follow it through, to have all this confirmed before you guys came in on Monday, so I sent a sample of the fluid off to be compared to the criminal database, to see if we could get a match. I sent one off to the hospital sexual assault records too, to see if any crimes committed by the same man had been reported. Harry, you're not going to like this," he said suddenly, taking Harry by surprise. "You're not going to like this at all."

"Zak, you're starting to scare me now, just tell me."

"Well, there was no known match to the criminal database," Zak began. "But there was a match from the hospital. It was a case from Sunday 9th January 2011, the night of the phoenix murders. They sent me the report through in the early hours of this morning, as I told them it was urgent. It's pretty nasty, Harry, I don't really want to read it out over the phone, but… but the victim brought in by ambulance after a neighbour called in an incident in the flat next door, and she was offered counselling which she turned down, it was that bad. She gave her name to the A and E staff, and there's a photo attached to the file, so I'm certain of what I'm about to tell you, before you ask. Harry, it was Nikki. Nikki was brutally raped the night of the phoenix shooting, by the same man as the victims. That's what's been wrong with her these past few months, that's why she's been so jumpy, so distant. She was raped, and she hasn't let anyone help her."

And it was at that point that Zak was cut off as Harry dropped the phone onto the hard wooden surface of the bedside table, but not before he heard the chilling moan of agony that came from the other end, as, for the first time since he was a child, Harry Cunningham broke down into full-on, noisy, hysterical tears.


	37. Let it out and let it in

**Here's the next one, in which Martha finds out about the assault :( another sad one I'm afraid, this will get happier and we will have H/N eventually, but I don't think now's really the right time for them to be getting together…**

**Thank you to everyone who reviewed: lizziginne, tigpop, curleyhat (so glad you're enjoying this enough to sign up- thank you!), timelove, gemS and emmaJ1996 (yay! You have an account!) you guys always make me smile, please keep the reviews coming everyone. And can we try and make it to 200 reviews before the next update? That means I need 8 of you to review (or more!) please? **

**Hope you enjoy!**

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 36**

**Let it out and let it in**

**Sunday 5th June 2011**

**-10.21am**

The sunlight streamed through the window like the flow of a waterfall, lining Nikki Alexander's long blonde hair with golden sunbeam highlights, reflecting off the golden dragonfly hanging around her neck. Nikki opened her eyes and sat up slowly, taking a moment to work out where she was. There was something calming about South Africa, she realized as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. There was an air of freedom about it; something magical that just couldn't be found in London, and yet there was so much London had to offer that South Africa never could. Harry, for starters. It had barely been a day and already she was wishing he was there with her; somehow he could make her feel safe when no one else could. It was safe to say that the 2 of them were very close as best friends, but for Nikki, those feelings ran deeper. But she didn't allow herself to think about that; Harry didn't feel the same way. And he never would, not now. Not now she was damaged goods, messed up and unstable and that she came hand-in-hand with an added… complication. God, how was anyone ever going to look at her in the same way again, after they knew?

"Nikki?" She could hear Martha's voice calling her name softly from the other side of the bedroom door, and tossed the trailing end of the mosquito net over the side of the bed, pulling the bedclothes up to her chest. "Niks, is jy wakker, malaika? Are you awake, angel?"

"Yes, I'm awake!" Nikki called groggily, and a few moments later Martha opened the door and stepped inside the room, smiling reassuringly as she sat down on the edge of the bed, setting a cup of coffee down on the bedside table.

"How are you feeling?" she asked concernedly, wrapping her arm around Nikki's shoulders. "Did you get any sleep?" Nikki sighed, realizing that perhaps the silent screams she'd let out during the night hadn't been so silent after all.

"I'm OK," she told Martha, yawning slightly and gratefully accepting the cup of coffee. "And I slept OK, I guess. Not brilliant, but OK." She figured there was no point in telling a blatant lie; Martha knew her too well and was never going to fall for that one. "Sorry about last night."

"Nikki, there's no need to apologise," Martha told her firmly, taking Nikki's hands in her own. "Absolutely no need, OK? Now, how about I leave you to get dressed, and then we'll have a catch-up. Does that sound OK to you?"

"Hmm," Nikki nodded in reply as Martha squeezed her shoulders and made for the door.

"Martha?"

"Yes, malaika?"

"Thank you, for everything."

"You're welcome Nikki. You always will be."

"So how've you been since the last time I saw you then?" Martha asked a short while later. She was sat on the small leather sofa in the lounge area with one arm wrapped around Nikki, who was half sat next to her, half curled up across her lap like a child. Now she was desperately worried about her. Persuading her to eat any breakfast had been a struggle, and Nikki's current state was scaring her even more.

"Nikki, talk to me, I can help. Please, darling. What happened?"

"Martha please, I can't," Nikki protested softly, with silent trails of tears falling down her cheeks. "I just can't."

"Ek kan nie help as jy nie vir my sê wat verkeerd is, malaika," Martha sighed, stroking her hair. "I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong, angel."

"But it's so hard!" Nikki choked through her tears. "Maar dit is so hard, and I don't want you to think I deserved it, or that I'm weak, or…"

"Nikki, shh," Martha said soothed, sitting her up gently so that Nikki was now looking into her eyes. "Whatever's happened, I'm not going to think anything bad of you, OK? Now either you can carry on shutting everyone out, and it'll just keep getting worse, or you can be brave Niks, really, really brave, and I can help you. I want to help you malaika, but I can't if you won't tell me what's wrong."

Nikki stopped and stared into space, and for one awful moment Martha thought she was going to close up and refuse to talk. But then she seemed to make up her mind about something, and looked back to Martha, a deep look of hurt and shame echoed in her eyes.

"Do you remember the Lưu family? They lived next door to my parents' house when I was about 6, moved from China, originally from Vietnam?"

"3 children weren't there, 2 boys and a girl, about your age?" Martha recalled, watching Nikki curiously. "The parents were trouble, weren't they? Bai and Lan Lưu; only lived in Three Anchor Bay for a few years, and yet they had a pretty nasty reputation all through the town. Your mum and dad told you to stay as far away from them as possible, but you were just a child, you didn't understand and you used to sneak round there to play with the kids, is that right?" Nikki nodded slowly, looking down at the floor.

"Nikki, what's this about darling?"

"I met him in London, a few months ago," Nikki explained softly, adrenaline filling her veins as she finally began to let out the details of the secret she'd been hiding for so long- one of the secrets, anyway. "Bai Lưu. And he seemed so, I don't know, pleasant. I didn't recognise him at first, but he knew who I was; I must have gone round to his a thousand times to play with Michael, Sanne and Lukas as a child, even though you all tried to stop me." She laughed bitterly. "That's why I this is my fault. If I'd just listened to you, if I'd just stayed away from him-"

"Nikki, stop, this isn't helping," Martha said softly. "I'm not blaming you. Now come on, what happened after you met Bai?"

"He told me he'd come over to London to visit Sanne, that she was living in London too, about 15 minutes away from me. I was at a bar at the time, it was a Sunday evening and practically deserted, and we got talking. But I swear…" she stopped, looking at her second mother pleadingly, and Martha's heart just about broke. "Martha I swear, if I'd known what I know now, if I'd known why you all told me to stay away from him-"

"Niks, you were just a child the last time you saw the Lưus, you were far too young to understand," Martha assured her. "It's not your fault."

"So I talked to him for a while," Nikki continued. "Then he said he'd call Sanne, and that he was supposed to meeting her but he was sure she'd want to catch up with me too. And then… and then I don't really remember, but he must have put something in my drink, I guess, because one minute I was sitting there with Bai, waiting for Sanne to join us, and the next minute he'd persuaded me to take him back to my flat… I mean, I didn't even know him that well Martha, and I hadn't seen him since I was 10, I wouldn't have just invited him back to my flat, I wouldn't have been that stupid, I…"

"Hey, hey, calm down," Martha soothed, handing Nikki a tissue and rubbing her back gently. "Nikki you're right, I know you, and I know you wouldn't be so naïve as to do that. It's OK, I believe you angel. I believe you. Now what happened next?"

"We went home," Nikki whispered; her voice barely audible now. "He locked the door, and I knew something was wrong, but I… god, I was so stupid. And…" she removed the Phoenix Movement details from her story, not wanting to explain it all from the beginning, and not sure that Martha would understand. Besides, that wasn't the part that was killing her. "And the next thing I knew, he was dragging me into my bedroom, and he…he…"

"He raped you," Martha realized, seeing the look on Nikki's face, the shame, and finally figuring it out. "Oh, Nikki." And with that she pulled her into a tight hug, lost as to what to do as Nikki clung to her, sobbing into her shoulder.

"This is the first time you've told anyone about this, isn't it?"

Nikki nodded. "I didn't want people to know, I thought they wouldn't understand, that they'd blame me, and talking made it so real and I just couldn't-"

"I know, Nikki" Martha sighed, laying her down across her lap again as she began to hyperventilate, rubbing her back like a child. "I know." She still had so many questions, so many things she needed to know if she was going to stand a chance of helping the woman she considered a daughter, but now wasn't the time. There would be time to get some answers later, but for now, Nikki just needed to cry.


	38. Wounds that won't heal

**Here's the next chapter. We didn't quite get to 200 reviews though :( but huge thank yous to lizziginne, gemS, timelove, emmaJ1996, tigpop and Thyqua for your amazing reviews. Love you all, please keep them coming! :)**

**Warning: 2 of my sisters AND my big brother cried reading this one, but it might just have been because I made them listen to the song first. Let me know what you think, and the next chapter will be up soon :)**

**Please review!**

**Flossie xx**

**Chapter 37**

**Wounds that won't heal**

_When you try your best but you don't succeed,_

_When you get what you want but not what you need,_

_When you feel so tired but you can't sleep,_

_Stuck in reverse._

_And the tears come streaming down your face,_

_When you lose something you can't replace,_

_When you love someone but it goes to waste,_

_Could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones,_

_And I will try and fix you._

_Fix you, Coldplay_

**Sunday 5th June 2011**

**-12.21pm**

Harry Cunningham took a moment to compose himself before he rang the doorbell, running a hand through his hair and taking a deep breath, to ensure all traces of the tears of that morning were buried. He had to be strong now; he couldn't let anyone see that he'd been crying.

Shortly after he'd recovered from the initial shock of Zak's news, had received another phone call, from Leo this time. Zak had phoned him when he'd finished speaking with Harry, or rather, after Harry had dropped the phone, so now he knew too. Probably sensing that Harry was in no fit state to talk about Nikki over the phone, Leo had suggested to Harry that he come round for lunch, so they could talk the situation over face-to-face. Part of Harry was dreading it, knowing that Zak had emailed Leo Nikki's Assault Report and not wanting to know what it contained; he didn't know if he would be able to contain his anger at whoever had done this, and the pain he felt for Nikki for the horrors she must have been through. But on the other hand, he was almost relieved that they were having this meeting, because it meant that finally, they knew what it was that had been causing Nikki so much pain, and now, they would be able to help her. There was still one question which remained unanswered for Harry though: why hadn't Nikki told him? He was supposed to be her best friend! Was he really so self-obsessed, so unapproachable, so unsympathetic that poor Nikki had felt as if she couldn't talk to him, that he wouldn't help her? And how had he not noticed; he had known something was wrong, yes, but surely he should have realized how seriously Nikki had been hurt; looking back, all the signs had been there. 'Hindsight is a wonderful thing,' he thought grimly.

He was drawn from his thoughts by the front door suddenly pulling open, and Harry found himself face to face with Leo, who studied him for a moment, before smiling sadly and pulled him into a hug. No words were said between them; they weren't needed. They both knew just how bad things were, and hard it was going to be to put them right again.

"How are you doing?" Leo asked, letting go of Harry and gesturing for him to follow him inside. "Zak said you didn't take it too well, when he told you about… well, you know." He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. Neither of them could.

"I'm alright," Harry lied through his teeth as he trailed behind Leo through the hallway. "I'm fantastic compared to how Nikki must be feeling. God Leo, how could we have not realized? She was never right after that time she was 'ill' back in January, but we didn't push her! It was practically staring us in the face, but we just didn't notice!"

"It's not your fault, Harry."

They had entered the living room now, where Janet was waiting for them. Leo must have filled her in on what had happened, after Zak had phoned.

"In hindsight, it's obvious what was wrong, I know," Janet sighed, as the 3 of them sat down on the sofas. "But these things are often much easier to see when you know what was wrong. You didn't realize what was wrong because Nikki didn't want you to know; she was good at hiding it, and she felt that she had to do so at all costs." Janet stopped and looked down at the floor, taking a deep breath before continuing. "She fooled me too. If anyone should have noticed, it was me; she had a bloody panic attack in front of me for god's sake, and I still didn't notice!"

Harry was taken slightly by surprise at that; he didn't think he'd ever heard Janet swear in the 3 years he had known her, not once.

"What do you mean, she had a panic attack?" Leo asked her, catching Harry's attention once more. "You didn't tell me about this!"

"I thought it'd be best to tell the 2 of you together," Janet told him.

"No, I mean at the time!" Leo said angrily, beginning to raise his voice. "When did this happen?"

"Back in April," Janet admitted.

"April!" Leo exclaimed. "2 months ago! Why didn't you tell me? You knew Harry and I were worried about Nikki, but we thought she was just about coping, and you saw her have a damn panic attack and you didn't say a word?"

"Leo, I'm sorry, I really am, but I promised her!" Janet protested. "It was back at the beginning of that case with the murdered 8 year old girl; she was the pathologist called out to the scene, remember? I was asked to go along to look over the crime scene by the police, and I got there and she was in the middle of a full-on panic attack. The officer on the scene said he'd leaned in to get a closer look at the body and she just freaked out, suddenly couldn't breathe. It took forever to calm her down and… and I knew something was wrong, but you know how stubborn she can be! I couldn't get her to talk about it, but she said she was going to talk things through with someone- Martha, I think she said her name was, so I dropped the subject. She made me promise not to tell you two, said you'd just worry unnecessarily, and that she'd be fine once she'd spoken to Martha, whoever she is."

"Martha Manduna," Harry told them, and Leo and Janet both turned to look at him, confused. "She looked after Nikki when she was a child, she saw more of Martha than she did her parents, I think. That's who she's staying with in South Africa."

"Well that's something," Leo sighed. "At least we know she's with someone who knows her well, someone who might be able to help. But god… she's been going through all this by herself for 5 months… it's a wonder she's still standing."

"She might be still standing, but she's going to be in a right state mentally, she's just really, really good at hiding it," Janet told them sadly. "The panic attack; now I know why it happened, I think it's more than likely that Nikki was suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder; she still could be now, I don't know. And that's not going to go away by itself. If anything, she'll be more affected by it now than she's ever been, because she's gone for so long without talking about it. When symptoms of PTSD such as panic attacks are displayed in rape victims, often the only thing that can help them it talking about it- talking is the only way for victims to accept what happened to them, so they can deal with it and move on. And if Nikki hasn't talked to either of you, then I'm guessing she hasn't talked to anyone. And that means that by now, almost 6 months later, she's going to be in an incredibly vulnerable state emotionally, but she'll be practically an expert at hiding it. That's why neither of you realized how serious it was, because by the time the symptoms started to get really bad, Nikki was already far too good at pretending nothing was wrong."

"But she'll talk to Martha, won't she?" Harry asked desperately, his world beginning to crumble as the realization of just how seriously ill Nikki could potentially be hit him. He had studied mental illness- including the effects of PTSD and the other illnesses it could trigger- while at medical school, and while he wasn't an expert like Janet, he knew enough to know that right now, things weren't looking good for his best friend at all.

"Maybe she just didn't feel it was something she could talk to Leo and me about, us being male," he continued, studying Janet's face for a reaction. "Maybe she'll talk to Martha, maybe she'll be able to help."

"I hope so," Janet sighed. "But I know how stubborn Nikki can be too. It could be that she's kept this hidden for so long that she's convinced herself that she's coping perfectly well on her own, that she doesn't need anyone's help, and judging by what I saw back in April, and what you two have said, that'll kill her. It's just too big for her to cope with on her own."

"And she's in South Africa for almost another 2 weeks," Leo groaned. "Do you think we should phone Martha, to tell her what we know and see if she can help? I just don't like the idea of Nikki having to cope with this by herself for any longer." He looked to Harry. "I don't suppose you know her number, do you?"

Harry shook his head. "I know where it'll be though." Purple butterfly-patterned address book, top right-hand draw of chest-of-drawer unit in the hallway. "What will we say, though? How can we tell her…" He couldn't finish.

"I don't know," Janet admitted. "I don't know."

"I'm flying out there," Harry announced suddenly. "I'm flying out to Cape Town. I can't leave her dealing with this on her own for 2 weeks Leo, I just can't."

"Harry, that's not going to help," Janet told him gently. "I know you want to be there for her, and I understand, but you know how strong-minded Nikki is. She likes to be independent, she doesn't like to feel weak or like she needs anyone's help. How do you think she's going to react to you turning up there, knowing all about the secret she tried so hard to keep from you, wading in and trying to help? I know you mean well Harry, but trust me; you're just going to send her further back into her shell, and make it even harder to help her. No, the best thing to do for now would be to phone Martha, to let her know what's going on and let her try at helping Nikki. She's probably going to be much more comfortable talking to a woman about this anyway, Harry. They'll be time for you to be there for her later, when she gets back, but for now, you're going to have to trust Martha to look after her, OK?"

"OK," Harry agreed thickly, trying not to start crying again in front of Leo and Janet. "It's just… I can't bear it… the thought of her going through all that on her own…" he cut off, unable to finish knowing that he really would break out in tears if he did.

"I know," Leo sighed, his pain evident on his face. "I know Harry. Listen… have you seen the assault report yet?"

Harry shook his head.

"It might be an idea to read it, if you don't think it'll upset you too much. It might help you to understand what she went through that night, to help her deal with it when she gets back." Leo sighed again. "Because it's horrible, Harry. It's absolutely horrible."

_Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones,_

_And I will try to fix you._


	39. Staring in the face

**I'm sorry it's not as long today guys, but I have been very busy! But there are a few clues in this one… and I don't know if any of you have worked out what was in the box in Memories and Lies yet? If you have, here's a hint… reread the prologue, then type the name of the item in the box into google translate and translate into Vietnamese, then see what comes up. That's all I'm saying for now :)**

**Big hugs to everyone who reviewed- Ciara, curleyhat, tigpop, lizziginne, emmaJ1996 ( for your 2!), timelove, gemS, gevaudan and Thyqua, love you all :) Please keep the reviews coming, and they'll be more soon!**

**Love Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 38**

**Staring in the face**

**Sunday 5th June 2011**

**-1.23pm**

Martha Manduna snatched up the phone on its first ring, glancing over at the sofa to check the shrill sound of the ringing hadn't woken up the distraught and exhausted woman sleeping there. Nikki had fallen asleep across her lap again after telling her about the assault; Martha realized she probably hadn't felt safe enough to sleep in a long, long time. So she'd stayed there with Nikki for an hour or so, caressing her shoulders and shifting her gently every few minutes as her hips began to dig in, being careful not to wake her. God, she was too thin. But her stomach had felt swollen as Martha had brushed her fingers over her abdomen when she repositioned Nikki across her lap for the 3rd time, and an inspection had revealed a scattering of finger-shaped bruises. Martha had left them for the time being, not wanting to wake Nikki up just yet, but she planned to confront her later. Because the bruises had looked fairly fresh; there was no way they dated back to the original attack, which meant that either Bai had been coming back to take another swipe at Nikki since the assault back in January, or that Nikki had been doing it to herself. Martha didn't know which was worse.

Turning her attention back to the phone, and not recognising the number, Martha moved through to the kitchen and answered the call.

"Hello?"

"Is that Martha Manduna?" asked the voice at the other end. It wasn't a voice she recognised, a man's voice, British.

"Yes, who is this?"

"I'm sorry, we haven't met. I'm a friend of Nikki's; she might have mentioned me, maybe? I'm Harry Cunningham?"

"Harry!" Martha exclaimed. "Yes, Nikki has said rather a lot about you."

"Oh god."

"Oh, no, nothing bad!" Martha said quickly. "No, it's clear you mean a lot to her. I'm afraid she's asleep at the moment… she's pretty tired from the flight, I think," she lied, knowing that Nikki was yet to tell Harry about the assault, and wanting to give her the chance to enlighten him herself, when she felt ready.

"Do you want me to wake her for you?"

"No, no, leave her!" Harry insisted. "I don't know if she said, but she hasn't been sleeping well for a while now. She's probably exhausted, poor thing. No, I wanted to speak to you really. Listen… this isn't easy to talk about, but I was just wondering if you'd noticed anything different in her behaviour recently?"

Martha sighed, wondering how exactly to tackle this one. She didn't want to betray Nikki's trust by sharing the details of the attack without her consent, but then, this wasn't just anyone, it was Harry. It was clear from his tone that he was worried about her, and Martha didn't want to keep the truth from him. She glanced back over at the sofa, where Nikki was still sound asleep, and made her decision.

"Yes, I have," she admitted. "She's quite fragile emotionally I think, I don't really want to break her confidence over this, but you know her better than anyone else…" she sighed again. "How much do you know?"

"I don't know, exactly," Harry confessed. "I have more of the physical details than the emotional, I think. So what is it that she's told you? Is it about… is it about what happened to her in January?"

"That's it," Martha confirmed. "She told me… she told me she was raped."

There was a soft cry from the other end of the phone.

"It's true then," Harry sighed. "Oh God."

"It's horrible, I know," Martha said softly. "But how did you find out, if you don't mind me asking? Nikki said she hadn't told anyone else."

"She didn't tell me," Harry confessed, his voice thick with emotion. "Has she told you anything about the phoenix murders?"

"No, I don't think so. Why, what's that?"

"It's a case we were working on at work," Harry explained. "The details don't really matter; the important part is that we found evidence in some bodies we had brought in, all murdered, and all tattooed with a phoenix image, that they'd had sex shortly before they died, whether it was consensual or not. So we sent the samples off to the local hospitals, to see if anyone had reported a rape with a sample that matched. And they sent us back a report from back in January that matched the sample, which had been reported the night of the first round of the phoenix murders. And it was Nikki's."

Martha brushed away the silent tears beginning to trickle down her cheeks, sighing softly.

"Well, at least she reported it. That's something, I suppose. So the man who raped Nikki, he's the same man who murdered your victims?"

"We think he must be," Harry told her. "Trouble is, we haven't got a clue as to who he actually is."

"I do."

"What? Harry exclaimed. "Nikki knows who it was?"

"That's what she told me," said Martha. "She said it was someone she knew- who I knew too, actually. He and his wife moved in next door to Nikki's parents when Niks was about 6 or 7; they had children Nikki's age. The whole family had a bad reputation in the area, but Nikki didn't understand that, she used to sneak under the garden fence to play with them. The father, Bai, he-"

"What was that?" Harry butted in suddenly. "Did you say Bai? Bai Lưu?"

"Yes," Martha said, surprised. "But how did you…?"

"His name's come up quite a few times during this case," Harry explained. "But god… I have to say, you deserve a medal for even getting her to talk about it. Leo and I have been trying for months; we knew something was wrong, of course, but we couldn't get a thing out of her." There was an element of hurt in his voice.

"She didn't mean anything by it, Harry," Martha assured him. "She probably just felt uncomfortable talking to you about it, you being a man."

"I guess," Harry sighed. "Sorry, I just thought I should let you know. Leo's partner- she's a psychologist- she thinks Nikki's in a pretty bad place emotionally. We thought we should warn you."

"Thank you," Martha told him gently. "She's surviving, but yes, I agree she's far from herself. I think…" But she trailed off as she heard a high-pitched, chilling scream coming from the sofa. "I've got to go; I think she's having a nightmare. I'll get Niks to give you a call later, OK?"

She put down the phone quickly and made her way to the sofa, kneeling down beside Nikki and trying to hold her still as she thrashed about, whispering calming words to her in an attempt to calm her down. But Nikki wouldn't stop, growing more and more hysterical, until Martha wasn't entirely sure whether she was awake or asleep.

"Moet my nie seermaak haar!" Nikki screamed over and over again as Martha tried to pull her out of her nightmare. "Don't hurt her!"

Martha sighed as she continued to try and wake her, feeling as if her heart was being smashed into a thousand pieces. But who was Nikki talking about? Who was 'her'?


	40. Words can't carry the pain

**Here's the next one. It took a while to write it and I'm still not sure I'm happy, so I'd really appreciate your feedback. :) It this one, it's the inevitable talk between Harry and Nikki, and I hope I got them in character, cos it's quite an important scene, but was very difficult to write!**

**Big thank you to all my readers, especially to tigpop, curleyhat, gemS, timelove, thyqua and lizziginne, if it worked out and I did it justice, then this one's for you xx **

**Chapter 39**

**Words can't carry the pain**

**Tuesday 7th June 2011**

**-4.34pm**

It was late afternoon in Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town, and the tide was just beginning to turn, drenching the cool golden sand with aqua blue sea. It was winter, relatively cool by South African standards at just 18 degrees, but to many of the holiday makers crowding the main part of the beach it was practically a heat wave. The sand itself was barely visible beneath the mesh-mash of brightly coloured beach towels which lined it like a patchwork quilt, which was why Nikki Alexander stayed away. She'd discovered a much better place to settle back when she was child, a place where the tourists rarely ever went.

It was still part of the beach, but in order to reach it, one had to scramble over a series of looming grey rocks, walk along the cliff top and skid down the bank of soft sand on the other side, where the reward was a stretch of clear blue water, hidden from the view of the tourists. That was where Nikki had settled today, spreading a towel across the sand a couple of metres shy of the water, and collapsing onto it, thankful to be away from everyone else, it a place where she could finally let her mask slip, even if it was only for half an hour or so.

So here she was, 2 days after Martha had squeezed the details of the assault out of her, and if anything, Nikki just felt worse. She'd hoped that finally telling someone what was wrong would help her to deal with it, to finally move on, but it hadn't worked out quite like that. Martha was trying her best to help, and Nikki couldn't have been more grateful, but whenever she felt like everything was starting to get better, it seemed to take a turn for the worse again. In her heart, Nikki knew why; she hadn't told Martha the whole story. She'd told her about the rape itself, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to talk about the consequences of it; the aftershock that Bai had left behind. It wasn't that she hadn't tried; she really, really had, with every bone in her body, but the words just wouldn't come out. It seemed as if the words would never come out.

It was 2 days since Nikki's nightmare, well, the one that Martha had witnessed, and 2 days since Harry had called. Martha had promised that Nikki would phone back later, but still Nikki hadn't been able to pluck up the courage to dial the number. Martha had told her that Harry already knew about the rape; apparently he and Leo had run some samples from the phoenix victims against hospital records and her file from that night had come up as a match. So now, she guessed, they were going to ask her about Bai.

Her cover had nearly been blown on the other matter as well, after Martha had discovered the bruises lining her stomach. Luckily she had put the swelling down to the bruises, and had only asked how she had got them. So Nikki had told her about Bai's visit the previous month, but had moved it forward several days until it seemed reasonable to claim that the bruises had been caused by Bai during his visit. Martha seemed to have believed her, but had made her promise to report the incident to the police, and given her some kind of cream to treat the bruises, which Nikki had insisted she could manage herself. Because she was still in denial, and she wasn't ready to tell anyone her secret yet, not even Martha.

Nikki still hadn't called Harry back; the reason being was that she was almost afraid of his reaction, as stupid as that sounded. Martha had assured her that Harry wasn't angry with her in the slightest, that he was a little upset that she hadn't told him, but that he understood and just wanted to help her get better, but somehow Nikki wasn't convinced. She was damaged now, and she knew it. She didn't deserve Harry, not anymore.

She was going to have to call him sooner or later though, and she figured she might as well do it out here in private, where she was free to express her emotions without worrying about anyone else seeing or hearing. And so before she had the chance to change her mind, she pulled her mobile out of her handbag, and hit the speed dial.

There was barely a pause between Nikki's mobile beginning to dial and Harry's voice sounding from the other end of the line; he must have snatched up his own phone more or less the moment it began to ring.

"Nikki?" he asked, with his voice filled with calmness and caring. God, she didn't deserve him.

"Harry," she managed slowly, shakily, her hands trembling as she pressed the phone to her ear. "Harry, I… I…"

"Nikki, it's OK," came his voice again, calming her, and almost convincing her that everything was going to work out in the end; which it couldn't, of course, not in a million years.

"It's OK, I don't blame you. I could never blame you for this, not ever, you understand? Not ever."

"OK." Her reply was barely audible, even to herself.

Harry sighed. "Why didn't you tell me, Nikki? I'm not angry with you, not the slightest bit; I'm just upset that you didn't feel you could talk to me about this. You know you can trust me, don't you?"

"Harry, of course I do!" Nikki protested, biting down on her lip in an attempt to stop the tears from starting. "I wanted to tell you, I really did, but whenever I tried to talk to you the words just wouldn't come out, and each time I tried and failed it just got worse, until…" But she couldn't finish, not before the waterworks began.

"I know, Nikki, I know," Harry said gently, and Nikki wanted nothing more than to be having the same conversation with him face-to-face, so she'd be able to lean in for a cuddle and feel safe once more. Martha made her feel safe of course, she always had, but Harry had an ability to remove all the problems in the world, just for a moment.

"Nikki, are you still there?" Harry asked, following a long silence.

"Um hmm," Nikki sniffed, trying to conceal her tears, but she couldn't fool him.

"Oh Nikki, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you," said Harry, his own voice now filling with emotion. "I'm just worried about you that's all; I'm worried you feel like you haven't got anyone to talk to. I'd known something was wrong for a while, but I never thought-"

"I know, I know," Nikki sighed through her tears. "How could you ever have guessed that? I don't blame you Harry, there was no way you could have known, not when I was so determined to keep it to myself." She paused. "Martha said you'd read the hospital report."

"I did," Harry confessed, and Nikki could hear the apology echoed in his voice; he clearly felt bad about it. "But believe me Nikki, I didn't want to, in case, you know, you felt like I was invading you privacy, but…"

"Don't worry about it," Nikki insisted. They seemed to be making a habit of this, cutting each other off, predicting what the other was going to say and working around it. "Maybe it's better you have read it; that way, I don't have to tell you what happened."

"So you still can't talk about it?" Harry asked. "Sorry, you don't have to answer that."

"No, but you're right, Harry!" Nikki sobbed, finally losing control. "I can't talk about it! I managed to tell Martha somehow but I only gave her the vague outline details, I still can't even think about it without wanting to be sick, and there's so much going on in my head that just won't come out in words! And I don't know what to do anymore, Harry! I don't know what to do!"

Harry might not have realized it, but she wasn't even talking about the rape itself anymore, not really. She was talking about the thing that was going to turn her life upside down for good come October, leaving her with no way of healing her wounds.

"Nikki, I know it's hard, and I'm not going to pretend I know how you must be feeling right now, because I can't possibly imagine," Harry said gently. "But we're going to get you through this. Me, Leo, Martha, Janet- we all care about you so much, and we're going to help you get better, OK? It's not going to happen overnight, and I know it might seem hopeless now, but we will get you through this, Nikki. I promise."

"And you don't blame me? You don't think it was my fault, that I was stupid to bring him home with me, and you do know who he is, right?"

"Yep, Martha told me. Oh Nikki, this is why you were acting so strangely over the phoenix case, isn't it? God, if I'd known, if Leo and I had known, we'd never have made you work that case. Never. And I'll never, ever hold you responsible for this Nikki. It wasn't your fault, say it for me. It wasn't your fault."

"It wasn't my fault," Nikki repeated shakily. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," Harry replied. "Now, is Martha there? Leo's out on call at the moment but Janet's here, she wants to speak to Martha about some things she can do to help you, OK?"

"She's not here," Nikki explained. "I'm not at Martha's, I'm at the beach. I should be getting back in a few minutes though, I'll get her to give you a call then."

"OK. Nikki listen, I've got to go now, there's someone waiting to speak to me, but I can phone again tomorrow, if you want."

"Yes please."

"OK, I'll phone again tomorrow. And Nikki, promise me you'll talk about how you're feeling, yes? Talk to Martha, talk to me, anyone. It'll help, I promise, don't shut us out. And deep breaths, OK? I'll talk to you later."

"OK," Nikki agreed, before putting down the phone and making her way across the sand, back towards the main beach. She was feeling slightly better now she'd talked to Harry, as close to happy as she'd been in a long while, when suddenly, she was hit by a strong wave of throbbing pain passed through her stomach. Nikki cried out, dropping down onto the sand as the feeling rushed through her body, pressing against the movement that protested from within her stomach, ignoring the voice telling her that something was horribly wrong, knowing that the pain would pass eventually. That was the trouble with private beaches, she thought to herself as the pain seemed to carry on for longer than the previous occasion. There was no one to hear you scream.

**Was it OK? Please review! Flossiexx**


	41. Rebirth

**You lucky people, I wasn't going to post this till tomorrow but I'm still up learning my viola scales, so I thought I might as well upload :) Not so many reviews last time though :( was it moving too slowly? This one's really picking up the pace… and you might start to understand very very soon…**

**Thank you thank you thank you to tigpop, emmaJ1996, lizziginne and gemS for your lovely reviews, and to everyone who didn't review, can you please let me know what you think of this one? How do I know you want me to continue if you don't tell me? **

**Hope you enjoy,**

**Flossiexx**

**Chapter 40**

**Rebirth**

_Thula thul, thula baba, thula sana,_

_Thul'u babuzo ficka eku seni,_

_Kukh'in khan-yezi zi-holel' u baba,_

_Zim-khan yi-sela indlel'e ziyak-haya_

_Sobe silk hona xa bonka be shoyo_

_Be thi bu yela u-bu ye li khaya_

_Thula thula thula baba_

_Thula thula thula sana_

_Thula thula thula baba, thula thula thula san_

_South African Lullaby, Xhosa Language_

**Year of the Rooster**

**-Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town**

I don't know where I know that song from, but it must be from somewhere. It's not in a language I understand, but somehow it's still full of meaning to me. Since talking to Lan about my mum a few days ago, I've started to remember more and more from my earlier years, the lullaby included. I can't picture her, not properly; I can see her basic physical appearance in my mind's eye, but her face is blurred. I can hear her voice loud and clear though, and in some ways, that makes me feel safer than I can ever remember feeling. I guess that means I don't trust Dad as much as he'd like me to.

I don't know where I am at the moment; it's all a bit of an adventure, to tell you the truth. Lan unlocked my bedroom door this morning and told me that my dad's gone away for a couple of days, so she's letting me out to explore Three Anchor Bay… by myself. I've never been anywhere by myself before, as Dad has never, ever let me out of his sight, but Lan insisted. She got a thing about promoting independence, from what little I've seen of her. Even if that means letting me out into a strange country where I don't speak a word of any of the languages, by myself.

I haven't been left entirely to my own devices though; Lan has said I'm free to go wherever I please, provided that I can still find my way home, and that I go and visit a certain place at some point. She's given me a map, marking the house and the place she wants me to visit, and she's given me a sealed envelope that she says I'm to open when I reach the place she's so anxious for me to go to. Not before.

The map is written in Afrikaans, but that doesn't matter. I don't need to understand it, I just need to follow the place names. The place Lan wants me to visit is circled in red pen; 'St Bernadette se kerk en die kerkhof.' The words shouldn't mean anything to me, but when I read them, I realize that they do; their meaning comes to me like a childhood memory, long forgotten until now. 'Die Kurk' is the same as 'nhà thờ', the church. And 'die Kurkhof' is the same as 'các nghĩa trang'. The cemetery. Lan wants me to visit a cemetery.

I don't know much about cemeteries; where I come from, we cremate our dead, so they can be reincarnated. But I do know that cemeteries are a place to show respect, to leave behind a gift for the dead, to let them know you're still thinking of them, even if, like me, you don't remember them. So I stop at a flower stall on the way down the road that leads to St Bernadette's church, fishing the small leather purse Lan gave me out of my backpack and browsing the flowers. They all look pretty alien to me, but one type catches my eye; a collection of brightly-coloured orange daisy-like flowers with a dazzling yellow centre. They look slightly familiar, like maybe I've seen them somewhere before, but I don't remember where.

"They're beautiful, aren't they?"

The woman behind the stall is addressing me in strange language, Afrikaans, presumably, and yet I can understand her. But that's not possible. I don't speak Afrikaans- Dad would have told me if I did.

"Gazanias," the woman continues, peering down at me from behind the counter. "Treasure flowers, native to South Africa. You going to buy some?"

Half an hour later and I'm walking up to the front gate of St Bernadette's Church, reading the sign in Afrikaans that states that the cemetery is behind the building. I still don't know how I can understand it, but I do know why. My mum must have taught me long ago, and I'm only just beginning to remember. There's no other explanation. My dad speaks a number of languages, yes, but I know for a fact that Afrikaans isn't one of them. That's why he's trying to teach himself off the internet in his spare time, so he can communicate better with the locals out here.

I place the bunch of Gazanias down on the church wall and pull the envelope out of my bag, ripping it open carefully and taking out the note inside.

'Bia mộ bên phải của các bụi cây thích Nhật Bản, van Gelen Alexander,' it reads. 'Headstone to the right of the Japanese maple bush, van Gelen Alexander.' Alexander? Could that be a relative of Victor Alexander?

There's a footnote too, one that sums Lan Phom completely, in each and every word. 'Không được nhìn thấy, Celin. Tôi có nghĩa là nó. Nó cần thiết mà không ai nhìn thấy bạn. Không ai cả.' 'Do not be seen, Celin,' it reads. 'I mean it. It's essential that nobody sees you. Nobody at all.'

It takes me a while to find the Japanese Maple Bush, but eventually I do. The cemetery isn't exactly the easiest place to find your way around, consisting of rows and rows of dull grey headstones, each one identical to the last, and I have yet to get used to the dustiness of pretty much everything here in South Africa. The deep pink petals of the Japanese maple bush add some much-needed colour to the landscape, perking things up just a little. I know it's a cemetery, but where I come from, death is about celebrating life, not wallowing in it. And right now, standing in the grimness of the cemetery and trying to ignore the distinctly haunted feel it has to it, I think I prefer the Vietnamese way of doing things.

Slowly, carefully, I walk along the dusty path nearest to the Japanese maple bush, scanning the names on the headstones, then freezing on the spot as I find the one Lan must have been directing me to. And suddenly, this whole bizarre quest she's sent me on to visit the cemetery makes an awful lot of sense.

'Celin Annalise van Gelen Alexander,' reads the tombstone. '1949-1992.' Then some English words I can't understand, but a word that looks like it could mean 'mother.' So I'm not the first Celin Lan's known, if that's even my name. But Celin Alexander? Presumably she was a relative of Victor, maybe his wife? She died long before I was born, but maybe I'm related to her somehow too? Maybe that's why we share a name?

As my head begins to fill with questions, I crouch down and place the Gazanias at the base of the headstone, reminding myself that this isn't just about me. Celin Alexander, the original Celin, died when she was just 41 years old; a life lost to something or other long before its time. But as I arrange the flowers down on the sandy dirt, my fingers brush over something hard and cold. There's a marble plaque there at the base of Celin Annalise van Gelen Alexander's grave, but the stone looks fairly new and fresh, like it's only been added recently. Confused, I brush away the sand covering the letters, and read the message engraved into the stone.

'Joycelin Martha Rose Alexander, July 31st 2011', it declares, with slight scratches through the letters where the plaque has been forced to face the elements. 'Bid jy vind jou pad huis toe- Praying you'll find your way home.' And suddenly, as if those words were some kind of metaphorical key to the lost memories of my earlier years, I remember. Whether it's everything, I don't know. But I remember enough. And as I turn to run, as far away from Celin Alexander and St Bernadette's and my dad and South Africa itself as I possibly can, the same words echo through my head, over and over again.

_Thula thul, thula baba, thula sana,_

_Thul'u babuzo ficka eku seni,_

_Kukh'in khan-yezi zi-holel' u baba,_

_Zim-khan yi-sela indlel'e ziyak-haya_

_Sobe silk hona xa bonka be shoyo_

_Be thi bu yela u-bu ye li khaya_

_Thula thula thula baba_

_Thula thula thula sana_

_Thula thula thula baba, thula thula thula san_

**Does that make any sense? Don't want to give the game away completely just yet, but don't want you all getting bored! So the question now is what does she remember? Let me know what you think!**


	42. Downhill Struggle

**I am free! My viola exam is finally over, and… only another 5-ish weeks before I can walk :( Oh well. Anyway, thank you so much everyone for your amazing reviews: dinabar (for your 2! So glad you like it!), tigpop, lizziginne, gemS, emmaJ1996, timelove, thyqua and curleyhat. Love you all :)**

**This one's a bit sad, but necessary for the plot. And don't worry, I promise this story will have a happy ending!**

**Read and review, the more reviews I get, the sooner the next one will be up! And all my reviewers, I will love you forever, couldn't do this without you xx**

**Chapter 41**

**Downhill Struggle**

**Wednesday 8th June 20011**

**-8.02am**

"Morning," Leo greeted Harry as he walked into the Lyell Centre on Wednesday morning, surprised to find Harry already sat at his desk, typing out a report he hadn't even asked for yet. "Have I walked into the wrong office?"

Harry laughed. "Don't! Honestly, for once in my life I decided to get all my paperwork done before you even ask for it, and this is the reaction I get?"

Leo rolled his eyes. "Fine. Have you spoken to Nikki yet?"

Harry nodded, and then sighed. "Yep, she phoned yesterday afternoon, when you were out on that case with the dead teacher on the school field. How was that, by the way?"

"Grim," Leo told him. "But never mind that now, how's Nikki doing?"

"She's blaming herself," Harry groaned, turning off his computer screen and leaning back in his chair. "She's terrified that I think she brought it on herself, and she's still struggling to talk about it all. She says she only told Martha the vague details of what happened, not the whole story, and somehow I've got a feeling it's going to be incredibly difficult to get the whole truth out of her."

"But she told the police what happened, didn't she?" asked Leo. "She went to hospital, or we wouldn't have the assault report, so she must have given some kind of statement when she was examined?"

"Actually, rape victims don't have to give a statement regarding their attack, even if they're examined," came Zak's voice from the corridor.

"Sorry," he said apologetically, glancing between the two pathologists. "I heard you talking. I checked for a police statement when I first got the report back from the hospital… and realized it was Nikki's. No police statement was taken regarding that report. Nikki would have been asked whether or not she wanted to talk to the police, so we can only assume she said no. Anyway, I'll leave you to it."

"Which means there's still something she hasn't told anyone," Harry realized. "Oh god, Leo, you heard what Janet said. It's going to kill her, if she doesn't talk about this sooner or later. It's going to send her crazy."

"Which is why we're going to help her," Leo said firmly. "Janet's going to call Martha today, she got some ideas to get Nikki to open up, but she says it's going to be easier for someone to help Nikki face-to-face, rather than over the phone." He stopped, catching sight of the look on Harry's face.

"Just over a week to go," he reminded him. "8 more days, and then she comes home, Harry. We're just going to have to rely on Martha to look after her until then."

"I know," Harry said quietly, looking down at the floor. "I know." Then he seemed to perk up a little, and turned on his computer screen again.

"So, what are we doing today?"

"Well for starters, you're finishing that report, now you've started it," Leo grinned. "Then you can help me with the dead teacher from yesterday, and I think Lan Phom's stopping by at some point this morning to have a look at the bodies of the elderly couple from the phoenix case." He stopped as he caught the look of confusion on Harry's face.

"You remember me telling you about Lan Phom, don't you? Remember, the Vietnamese woman who came to see me in May with some information about the Phoenix Movement and Bai Lưu?" Harry tensed up considerably as Bai's name was mentioned and clenched his fists, and Leo groaned, making a mental note to himself to avoid using Bai's name at all costs, if it was going to upset Harry so much. And besides, he'd have to get into the habit of treating the name as taboo before Nikki came back; hearing a mention of her attacker day in day out was hardly what she needed right now.

"Yes, I remember. What about her?"

"Well, the last time she was here, she mentioned that the Greenfield children, way back before they were adopted when they were still part of the Phoenix Movement on the North Korean border, were handed over to Lan herself and 2 friends to 'dispose of'. But she said they couldn't go through with it, so her friends, the couple of about her own age, took Isabella and Oliver to the orphanage in Vietnam. And I was thinking last night, the elderly couple from the phoenix shooting are around the same age as Lan, and we never managed to ID them, did we?"

"So you think the elderly couple could be Lan's friends from South Vietnam, from the Phoenix base in Asia? Oh, Leo, you're a genius!"

"Well, nothing's certain yet," said Leo, slightly flattered. "But it would make sense. So Lan's going to stop by later and have a look at the bodies, to see if she can ID them for us. She's had no contact with the Phoenix Movement since she left, and I imagine the turn-over of members was pretty quick given the rate Bai was getting through people, so there's a chance Lan might never have met them. But there's also a chance that she did know them, and if that's the case, then she might be able to find the link between the phoenix shooting victims."

**-11.34am**

Harry seized his freshly-printed Post Mortem Report from the printer and stapled the top left-hand corner, before signing the line at the bottom of the page. It was getting on for lunchtime, Leo was busy with Lan Phom who had arrived about 10 minutes earlier, and it was 1.34pm precisely in South Africa; a reasonable time to call. His lunch break wasn't for another hour and Harry knew Leo wouldn't be best pleased if he neglected the next pile of reports to be typed up in favour of a personal phone call… but then again, it wasn't like it was just anyone he was calling. It was Nikki, their Nikki, and after everything she'd been through, surely Leo wouldn't mind if he checked up on her quickly? He could speak to Martha too, while he was at it, to get an update on how Nikki was really doing, not the greatly edited version he knew Nikki herself would be throwing at him. He knew Janet was going to phone Martha today, but he and Leo wouldn't know the outcome of that phone call until the evening. And so, his decision made, Harry sat down at his desk and pulled his mobile out of his pocket, before dialling Martha's home number.

"Hello?" it was Martha who answered. That was good, Harry reasoned. This way, he could ask Martha how Nikki was really doing without having to make an excuse for wanting to speak to her.

"Hi Martha, it's Harry."

"Hi Harry," Martha greeted him warmly. "How are you? Niks said the 2 of you spoke yesterday."

"I'm fine, thanks," said Harry. "And speaking of Nikki, how is she?"

"I don't know," Martha told him sadly, lowering her voice; Harry assumed it was so Nikki didn't hear. "I honestly don't know, Harry. This time yesterday I thought she was getting better; I even managed to get her to laugh a couple of times. Then I had to go to work in the afternoon, and by the time I got back she was… I don't know, withdrawn again. She didn't look well either, though she's insisting she's fine; you know how stubborn she can be. How did she seem to you on the phone?"

"Honestly?" Harry asked. "Far from herself, but then I suppose that's only to be expected. Some of the things she said though, she gave me the impression that she thinks we all blame her for this."

"What?" Martha exclaimed. "Oh god, how could she think that?" She sighed. "I'll have to try and talk to her tonight, I suppose. There's still something she's keeping from me Harry, I just can't work out what it is. Anyway, do you want to speak to her?"

"If that's alright," Harry replied.

"Oh don't be silly Harry, of course it's alright. You mean the world to her, you know. I'll just get her for you."

There was a brief silence, and then Nikki's voice sounded from the other end of the phone line.

"Harry?" her voice sounded tired, like she hadn't slept in a while. So she was still having nightmares.

"Nikki, I'm here," he told her gently. "How are you?"

"I'm OK," Nikki whispered, and Harry had to strain to hear her response. "Not great, but I'm OK."

"I know, I know," Harry sighed. "But it will get better, I promise. It just might take a while. But listen Nikki, I need you to talk to me, OK? I can't help you if you won't tell me what's wrong."

"You know what's wrong!" Nikki screamed angrily, and Harry almost dropped the phone in shock. "I was bloody raped Harry, that's what's wrong! What, so it's no big deal, is that it? So I should just get over it, and act like everything's OK again? Because you don't understand, OK Harry! You don't understand a thing! Nothing's ever going to get back to normal, not any more, not because of what I've done! I don't care how this makes me feel anymore Harry, I don't care if it sends me crazy! Because it's not about me anymore, can't you see? It's… it's… oh forget it! You don't understand, Harry! You don't understand a bloody thing!"

"Nikki…" Harry began, but it was too late; she'd already hung up the phone. And so, when Leo finished with Lan Phom a few minutes later and made his way up to break the news to Harry, he found his colleague curled up on Nikki's desk chair, sobbing as if the whole world had ended. And if it was because of something to do with Nikki, Leo reasoned, then maybe to Harry, it really had.

**Hope it wasn't too sad! One last thing, I know some of you have noticed that Joycelin Martha shares part of her name with Martha, but have any of you noticed who else she shares a name with? Hint hint…**


	43. Making up

**Here's the next chapter :) And can I start by having a proud moment, and saying a huge well done to Daisy, Molly and Lauren, my beginner violin pupils I teach during my spare lunchtimes at school, who took their grade 1 exams today! Well done you 3, I am SO proud of you, and I wish you every success with the proper violin teacher for your future playing xx meeting my new pupils Monday lunchtime, can't wait!**

**Anyway, thank you everyone else for putting up with that, thank you to all my amazing readers, and especially my reviewers, timelove, curleyhat, thyqua, tigpop, lizziginne, emmaJ1996, gemS and gevaudan, love you all, and please keep the review coming!**

**Emma- in answer to your question, no, thankfully Bai didn't find Nikki on the beach, but who's to say he won't find her somewhere else soon…**

**And curleyhat- I know, they're meant to be doctors! But you'll find out why it might not have been quite as obvious as you might think in the next few chapters!**

**And one last thing, just a reminder, Sara Laurence is Nikki's friend, the South African pathologist from 'Home.'**

**I'm going to shut up now, thank you everyone, and I hope you enjoy, sorry about my ramblings!**

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 42**

**Making up**

**Wednesday 8th June 2011**

**-3.23pm**

"Nikki?" Martha called softly as she slowly opened the bedroom door, peering around the doorframe at the woman she considered her daughter. She had heard shouting a couple of hours earlier, but had left Nikki to it, knowing that Nikki and Harry had to work this one out for themselves. The only way the two of them could possibly survive this whole situation in tact was if they talked about their feelings to one another, expressed themselves completely and made up for their mistakes without the intervention of others. And so, she felt she had no choice but to leave them to it, and trust that the pair of them would see sense and make up sooner or later. They always did. But that didn't mean she was prepared to leave Nikki alone crying, not after everything she'd already been through.

She could hear the quiet sobs that shook Nikki's body long before she could actually see her, and Martha sighed, knowing that whatever had gone on between her and Harry over the phone, it must have been bad. She could see Nikki properly now; she was curled up in a ball across the bed, with her back to the door, shaking slightly.

"Oh Nikki," Martha sighed softly, perching on the edge of the bed, reaching over to caress Nikki's back and cursing herself when she felt her flinch. "Dit in orde is, malaika, it's alright. It's just me. What's wrong?"

Nikki just sniffed and shook her head, gratefully accepting a tissue from Martha but still refusing to turn and face her.

"I don't want to talk about it," she said finally, her breathing beginning to calm. "It's my fault, it's all my fault."

"Niks, that doesn't matter, I'm still here to help, OK? Now come on, what happened?"

"I had a go at Harry."

"So? You two must have snapped at each other a hundred times before, am I right? He's not going to break off his friendship with you over a silly little row."

"But it wasn't silly, it was just me being obnoxious!" Nikki cried. "Harry didn't do anything, he only asked me how I was feeling, and I just started screaming at him! He's never going to want to speak to me ever again!"

"Oh Nikki, of course he will!" Martha reassured her. "Look, we all know you're going through an incredibly difficult time at the moment, Harry especially. He's not going to hold it against you, he's just going to give you some space until you've calmed down a bit. And if he doesn't, then he'll have me to answer to, OK?"

"You really think so?" Nikki asked quietly, rolling over to face her. As she did so, her top rode up slightly, and Martha caught sight of the bruises still littering her abdomen. It still looked slightly swollen, but that could be explained by the fact that Nikki had lost so much weight since she had last seen her.

"Nikki, you told me those were getting better," Martha groaned, attempting to examine the bruises, but Nikki pulled away from her and covered them quickly.

"They are!" Nikki insisted. "They're not as bad as they were a few days ago!"

Martha sighed. "If you're sure," she said. "But if they're not fading considerably by the end of the week, I'm taking you to the doctor. No arguments."

"OK."

"Now, you know what you need to do now, don't you Niks? You need to go and phone Harry, tell him you're sorry, and I promise you, the two of you will be best friends again by this evening."

"Martha, you can't promise that."

"No, I can't. But Harry's a good friend, Nikki. I know how close the two of you are; Harry's not going to throw it all away over one silly row. And on the subject of phone calls, have you thought about going to see Sara Laurence? I don't think you've seen her since last summer, have you?"

"I know, I want to go and visit her," Nikki confessed. "But…"

"But you don't want to have to tell her?" Martha guessed. "Nikki, you can't let this beat you, you can't let what he did stop you from doing the things you want to do, seeing the people you want to see. Look, how about I phone Sara tonight, explain it briefly to her so she knows, but if you want her to know anything else then you can tell her yourself? Would that work?"

"I think so," Nikki nodded. "Thank you. I'm sorry, I know I should be over this by now…"

"That's where you're wrong," said Martha gently, taking Nikki's hand. "You might be closer to being back to normal if you'd told someone about this at the time, but even then you wouldn't be fine at this point. And you've kept this bottled up for months Niks; it's not going to get better overnight. But you'll get there eventually. I'm here for you, so is Harry, so is Leo, so is Janet, and everyone else if you let them help you, OK? Now come on, you need to phone Harry."

Nikki's hands shook as she dialled the number; her nerves hit breaking point as she waited for Harry to pick up. She couldn't do this without him. What if he decided he wanted nothing more to do with her, that she was messed up and behind hope? What would she do then?

"Nikki?" Harry voice, filled with concern, flooded through the phone line, and Nikki breathed a sigh of relief; part of her had been terrified he wouldn't even pick up the phone.

"Harry? Harry, I'm so sorry, honestly, I don't know what came over me, I shouldn't have gone for you like that, I…"

"Nikki, stop," Harry protested. "It's not your fault, OK? I can't imagine how you must be feeling at the moment, and it's only natural for you to lose it a few times. I don't blame you, you're forgiven, so there's no need to apologise."

Nikki couldn't speak. "Harry, I… Thank you for being so understanding. Shall we pretend earlier never happened?"

"Sounds like a plan," Harry agreed, trying a different tactic this time. "Hey, you'll never guess what Zak did today…"

On the other side of Three Anchor Bay, in a grim, whitewashed house, Bai Lưu smirked to himself as he opened the thick brown package that had arrived through the post that morning, and fishing out its contents. It was three passports, one Vietnamese belonging to a Hong-hanh Lưu, one Iranian under the name of Frema Mahmoody, and one Chinese belonging to Poi-ling Yen. Each of the passport holders had the same date of birth; 10th October 2011, even though that date was yet to come around, and each passport lacked a photograph. Those would be inserted later. Bai laughed and shoved them into the back of the kitchen cupboard, where no one would think to look. Slowly and steadily, his plan was falling into place.


	44. A decision

**Here's chapter 43 :) Not as long this time, but I've been busy doing some research for the next few chapters, which I will finalize and get up on here ASAP. It's a bit angsty at the end, but I'll stop being so mean to Nikki soon, promise xx**

**Thank you to tigpop, timelove, gemS, daisyisabel, emmaJ1996, thyqua, lizziginne and curleyhat, you guys are seriously amazing! Love you all :)**

**One last thing, does anyone know how many kids Sara has and what their names are? If you do then please let me know, otherwise I'm going to use my creativity… enjoy, and let me know what you think!**

**Flossie xx **

**PS. Curleyhat- can't tell you yet, sorry! You'll find out soon…**

**Chapter 43**

**A decision**

**Tuesday 14th June 2011**

**-2.30pm**

Nikki could feel her heart beginning to race as she knocked on the door at Sara's house; despite her excitement at seeing her friend for the first time in almost a year, she was incredibly nervous. Sara already knew the basic details of the assault, thanks to Martha, so Nikki wouldn't have to either explain that or try to hide it, but still she was worried about Sara's reaction, just as she had been worried about Harry's, Leo's, Janet's and Martha's. So far, everyone had assured Nikki that it wasn't her fault, that she hadn't done anything wrong and she had to stop punishing herself, but still Nikki was not convinced. She knew, after all, that Sara was not afraid of speaking her mind; what if the others had been just pretending that they thought none of this was Nikki's fault in order to not hurt her feelings, when in reality they all thought she must have been asking for it, that it was all her own stupid fault? In all the time Nikki had known her, Sara had never neglected to tell people exactly what she thought of their actions, even if it was far from complimentary. So if she thought Nikki had brought it on herself, then she would tell her. And Nikki wasn't sure she was ready to hear that right now.

The door flew open within moments of Nikki knocking, and suddenly Sara was pulling her tightly into a hug, ushering her in through the door simultaneously, before finally releasing her.

"Nikki!" she smiled, taking her hands and squeezing them gently. "How are you?"

"I'm fine," Nikki told her, trying to sound firm but not quite succeeding; something which she knew only too well that Sara would pick up on. "I'm fine, honestly."

"Like hell you are," Sara said, waving Nikki's comment aside and seizing her hand, leading her towards the lounge. "Come on Niks, I've sent Pieter out for the afternoon with the kids, so we've got the place to ourselves, OK? So us two can have a proper girl talk without them interrupting, and you can tell me all about it."

"All about what?" Nikki asked, trying to feign innocence and failing miserably.

"Oh Nikki, you know exactly what I'm talking about," Sara sighed as the 2 of them sat down side by side on the sofa. "Martha told me last week. She says you need a friend to talk things through with, so here I am, ready to listen. Nikki, it's OK," she said gently, looking right into her eyes. "I don't blame you, you know that don't you? I just want to help, but you're going to have to tell me how you're feeling first. And I mean how you're really feeling, not how you want me to think you're feeling."

"OK, you win," Nikki sighed. "I suppose I…I…" But she couldn't finish. It was as if the memories of that night, its after-effects and the feelings she associated with them had all been locked away in her head; she could still peer through the keyhole to see them and understand what they were, but she couldn't remove them and express them. And with each passing day, it only became harder.

"I feel as if he's taking over my life, Sara," she said finally, breaking her friend's gaze and staring down at the floor. "Since that night, it's all I ever seem to think about. Sometimes I'll manage to distract myself for a while, but never for long enough for me to forget entirely. And I'm sick of it! I'm sick of feeling like he owns me!"

"He doesn't own you," Sara insisted. "He never has, and he never will, OK? Listen, I know how much he took from you that night Nikki," she said gently, trying to help. "Look at me. Nikki, look at me, please. I know how much he hurt you, and I'm not even going to pretend to understand, because there's no way I could ever imagine how you must be feeling. But Nikki- no matter what he told you, or what he did to you, the one thing you must never, ever do is give him the satisfaction of getting away with this, of smashing you to pieces, OK? Because if you do that, if you let him take over your life, if you never stop thinking about what he did, then you're letting him beat you, can't you see that? But if you can get through this, and I know you can Niks, then you'll be showing him that you're better than him, that he didn't break you. You can't let him beat you, Nikki. You can't let him win."

"But it's not that simple!" Nikki protested. "I'm trying, I really am, but I just can't get it out of my head! And I feel so dirty, and ashamed, and…"

"Nikki, I need you to listen to me," Sara said softly, just as the tears were beginning to start. "Do you trust me?"

Nikki nodded. "Of course I do."

"Then I need you to believe this for me: it's not your fault. You have no reason to feel dirty, and certainly no reason to feel ashamed, OK? If anyone should feel like that, then it's him, for doing this to you; not you, not ever. You didn't ask him to rape you; you didn't ask to feel like this. And I know it's difficult, but you need to block him out. So whenever you start thinking about him, just tell yourself, it's all over now, and he's not worth it. How does it feel, like a panic attack?"

"Yes. But they don't tend to be that obvious anymore. They were, but now I can control them to the point that no one else notices. But the sense of panic hasn't stopped; if anything, it's worse, and… I just feel so hopeless."

"I know," Sara sighed sympathetically. "I know Niks, but it's going to get better. So next time you start feeling like that, you tell someone, OK? Whoever you're with that you trust, tell them, and we can help. He's not going to hurt you anymore Niks, I promise."

'But it's not going to get any better,' Nikki sighed to herself and Sara got up from the sofa to make them both coffee. 'I can't ever escape from him, no matter what anyone says. Because wherever I go, whatever I do, I bring part of him with me. And until I can get rid of it, I'm never going stop thinking about him. Until it's gone, I can't ever recover, not properly. And that's why I can't keep it' Nikki decided. 'No matter what happens, it's got to go.'


	45. Explanation to the innocent

**Here's the next one :) I am SO SORRY it's another short one, but I promise to get you a nice long one as soon as I have handed in my last ever piece of GCSE coursework on Tuesday! And this one is a letter, as I thought you might need an explanation as to Nikki's thoughts in the last chapter…**

**Huge thank yous to tigpop, thyqua, emmaJ1996, gemS, lizziginne and curleyhat for your reviews, love you all, and please keep reviewing! There's lots more of this to come (and maybe even a sequel) but it's only getting uploaded if you all continue to tell me you're enjoying it!**

**Enjoy, love you all, and let me know what you think,**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 44**

**Explanation to the innocent**

**Wednesday 15th June 2011**

**-3.46am**

_I'm sorry. I still haven't given you a name, but that's not the reason I'm sorry. I'm sorry because I've made my decision, and I've decided I can't look after you. Don't be upset, though. It's for the best, it really is. For both of us._

_There are lots of reasons as to why I'm choosing to let you go, and that's why I'm writing you this letter, so that one day, when you're older, you might be able to understand, just a little. I'm not sure you'll ever forgive me for giving you up, will you? But that's OK, because I don't think I'll ever forgive myself either. So you won't be alone for hating me for what I did. _

_It's not that I don't want to love you; please, whatever, you do, don't ever think that, not even for a second. You'll always be my baby and that won't change, even when you're with your new family and you don't remember me anymore. No, I want to love you with all my heart, but I know that every time I look at you, I'm going to see the essence of your father. That's not a bad thing; there's nothing wrong with looking like your dad, and when you're with your new family, no one will know which parent you take after. But I will. And I know it's selfish, but I can't bear the thought of seeing him staring back at me whenever I look at you. That wouldn't be good for either of us. It would make our relationship awkward and strained, maybe even unloving, hating and fearing in parts, and I won't do that to you. I won't make you grow up in a home where you are unloved and unhappy. I know how that feels, and I would never, ever inflict it on you._

_The other problem in all of this is that I know only too well that I'm in no fit state to be looking after a baby. I'm not even looking after you properly now, and you're not even born yet. I know deep down that I should go and get properly checked out by someone, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe it's because I'm so scared I've done something to hurt you, that I've sentenced you to a life of pain and suffering before you've even taken your first breath. I don't know. But I will tell someone about you, I will. Just not yet. _

_Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I can't look after you properly. I still go into a mad panic every few days, I still seem to be sailing through life as if nothing matters anymore, and I'm not even looking after myself. So do you see why I can't keep you now? It wouldn't be fair; I couldn't guarantee that you wouldn't feel neglected, that I wouldn't withdraw into my work as per usual and ignore you completely. And there won't even be any family to help out; you won't have a dad, or any family on your father's side whom you know of, you won't have a grandmother, any aunts or uncles, and your grandfather is completely and utterly useless; trust me on that. You don't have any siblings either, due to my severe uselessness at relationships and incapability to settle down with anyone for more than 2 weeks. But I can't walk away from you when it stops working out, not like I can do with fully grown adults. You're going to be dependent on your parents for the next 18 years of your life at the very least, and I can't handle that. And that means, however hard it may or may not be to say it, I can't be your mother. _

_It's going to be alright though, honestly it is. You've only got to stay with me for another few months, and then I'll let you go. Then you'll find a new family, a proper one, and you'll go to live with them somewhere nice, on the other side of the world from me. And you'll be happy, that's the main thing. You'll be so happy that you won't ever need me, and even if your new parents ever choose to tell you about me, you won't give it a second thought, you won't waste your time and energy on me. But that's OK. I don't deserve anything more from you, and I know that only too well. _

_So once again, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, and I hope you understand, that you know it to be true. I don't want you to hate me, but I'm terrified that it's too late for that. So I guess I'm just going to have to live the rest of my life knowing that you could despise me for what I did to you, or rather, what I didn't do. But I'd rather do that than allow you to live your life unloved._

_**Your mum, Nikki xx**_


	46. Never Forget

**I should really be writing about Pride and Prejudice, but I had an epiphany and wanted to get this down before I forgot how I wanted to do this :) Thank you so much to Curleyhat, Tigpop, emmaJ1996, lizziginne, timelove, gemS and Thyqua, I love you all. Please keep reviewing, you know I couldn't do this without you :)**

**Hope you like,**

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 45**

**Never Forget**

**Year of the Rooster**

**-Three Anchor Bay, Cape Town**

I make it back to Victor Alexander's house just as the sun is beginning to set, tinting the South African landscape with a reddish-pink glaze. I don't want to come back, not to here, but I have to. I know Lan will be for it if I don't come back. The trouble is, now I know what really happened, back when I last saw my mum, I don't want to go back. Not after what my dad did, and kept from me.

_I must have been about 3 years old. I'm sitting cross-legged on a hard, cold stone floor, shivering slightly, and assembling a jigsaw puzzle of an African plain, complete with lions, zebras, elephants and buffalo. I can see my mum sat next to me, or at least, the woman I'm guessing is my mum. I say guessing because she doesn't look anything like me, not the slightest bit. She's Caucasian, but not particularly tall, with deep brown eyes and a curtain of curly blonde hair, and there's a faded purple bruise across her left cheek. I don't remember how it got there, but something's telling me that I don't want to remember. _

"_Joycelin, Hierdie een! Waar kom hierdie een gaan?" __Where does this one go? She's holding up one of the puzzle pieces for me to take. Joycelin: that's my name, not Hong-hanh or Celin or any of the other names I've gone by over the years. I'd forgotten, until I saw the plaque below Celin Alexander's grave. _

_I can see the puzzle piece my mum handed me as clearly as if I was still looking at it now; black and white striped with a patch of green to the right. I'm just scanning the already assembled puzzle, looking for a similar zebra patch, when there's a loud bang from behind us. I turn towards the sound, towards the door, which has just slammed open, a thick bunch of keys hanging from the keyhole. Are we kept locked up, the two of us? But Dad said my mum couldn't look after me properly, that's why she went away. So how would she leave me if we were kept locked in the same room, and why would anyone leave a young child alone, locked up, with a mother incapable of looking after them? It just doesn't make any sense._

_I don't recognise the man entering the room, but I know I must have reason to be afraid of him, because suddenly I'm crawling onto my mum's lap, clinging to her hand as he makes his way towards us. He's tall, with thinning greying hair and sad dark eyes, but he doesn't look particularly menacing. But then, just as I'm wondering whether I'm only afraid of him because I'm young and don't know any better, suddenly he's prising me away from my mum, dragging me towards the door, despite my kicking and screaming in protest. My mum is screaming too; screaming in a language I can't understand as I'm carried towards the door. She runs towards us and starts to pull me away from the older man's arms, but he just slings me over his shoulder and slaps her clean across the cheek. It's complete chaos: he's shouting at mum, she's shouting at him, and I'm screaming over the top, but nobody listens. I'm not sure the violent man even understands what I'm saying._

"_Đó là đủ!" comes a loud, angry voice from behind me- finally, a voice that I understand. "Đó là đủ! That's enough!" It's a voice I recognise too, I realize, but as I turn back to the doorway, I know exactly who I'm going to see standing there. It's my dad._

_He's shouting at the both of them now, speaking the same strange language as the others using a Vietnamese accent. I'm still flailing in the other man's arms, trying to get away, but he's too strong. Far too strong, yet gentle somehow, like he doesn't want to hurt me. Is he the man who took my away from my mum? Doesn't he realize, that act hurt me much more than any physical actions?_

"_Hong-hanh, ngừng ngay bây giờ!" Dad is shouting at me now, trying to get me to calm down, but I won't. So he seizes me by the arms, plucking me away from the man and placing me on the floor. _

"_Bạn phải nói lời chia tay ngay bây giờ," he tells me firmly, pushing me back towards my mum. "You've got to say goodbye now. Nói lời chia tay với mẹ của bạn- say goodbye to your mum."_

"_Trường hợp là cô ấy sẽ đi đâu?" I ask, horrified, glancing anxiously between Mum and Dad. "Where is she going?"_

"_Cô sẽ về nhà. She's going home. She's done all we needed her for; you can look after yourself now, can't you? You don't need her now Hong-hanh, understand? You don't need her."_

"_Nhưng tôi! But I do!" I protest, but Dad stops me and pushes me backwards. _

"_Stop fighting Hong-hanh," he says firmly, his voice menacingly quiet. "Either you say goodbye now, quietly, or you never get that chance. So do it. Now."_

_I glance at the doorway where the older man is still standing, and realize there's another person here, watching us. It's Lan, I realize slowly. Lan Phom. So this is what she meant when she said she was there, the day Mum was taken away. _

_I turn back to Mum, both of us with tears in our eyes. She reaches out and pulls me into her arms, and I bury my face in her hair, never wanting to let go._

"_Ek is lief vir jou," she tells me softly, in between sobs. "I love you. Remember that."_

"_So jy sal my nie vergeet nie? __So you won't forget me?"_

"_Oh Joycelin, how could I forget you?" she sighs, stroking my hair. "I'll never forget you OK, never. Even if you forget me, malaika, I'll never forget you." Then she leans in closer and whispers in my ear._

"_I'm going to find you, Joycelin," she whispers. "I don't know how, but I will, I promise. I'm going to find you, no matter how far away he takes you, and I'm going to take you home, and you'll never have worry about anything ever again, OK?"_

_She must have caught the look on my face; the look of complete panic and despair, because at that point in my memory she scoots round to the other side of me, pulling me in close as she unhooks the gold chain that hangs around her neck, and putting it around my own. _

"_That's for you," she says softly, pushing me away slightly and tucking the chain under my t shirt, before brushing away the tears rolling steadily down her cheeks. _

"_It'll keep you safe. And whenever you're missing me, whenever you're feeling alone, that's to remind you that you're not, OK? Because I'll be thinking of you. And I'm going to bring you home, I promise. Now be brave Joycelin, just for a while."_

_And then there's a loud bang, followed by a horrible, high-pitched scream, and someone is dragging me from behind, dragging me towards the door, away from my mum. But as I look back at her for one last time, I see the thick red stain spreading across her top. And then everything starts to spin, and the whole scene fades into nothing. _

But it doesn't matter that I can't remember anything else, because I know all I need to. That moment may be all I can remember of my mother, but it tells me more than anyone else ever could. My mum must have cared about me; that memory proves it. And it also proves that my dad isn't just violent with me, he was violent with Mum too. She wasn't ill, not really. He just wanted me all to himself, even if that meant hurting Mum. So is he really my dad? Did he just choose me, hand-pick me for his sick little mission? I don't know. I don't know anything for sure anymore. All I know is this; I'm going back for a while, so Lan doesn't get into trouble, but then I'm out of here. I'm going to find Mum.

**Confused again? Let me know what you're thinking, and I'll get the next one up soon...**

**PS. Worked out what's in Lan's box yet?**


	47. Follow her Home

**Here's the next one :) Thank you so so much to all my reviewers; tigpop, emmaJ1996, gem.S, timelove, lizziginne and thyqua, and to everyone who has contributed to the 10087 hits this story now has! Can't believe it! Please keep reading and reviewing, and if you haven't reviewed yet, now is the time to start!**

**Enjoy,**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 46**

**Follow her home**

**Friday 17****th**** June 2011**

**-2.34pm**

It was the penultimate day of Nikki's stay in South Africa, and she was at Peppertree Mortuary with Sara, helping out the pathologists there with their ever-growing pile of cases. She had forgotten just how hectic life in a South African mortuary could be, in comparison to Britain; they had already received 14 bodies in the morning alone, and the day was far from over. It was certainly much, much busier than anything she had been used to over the past 6 years in London, and she was starting to ask herself how she had ever managed to cope back in Johannesburg, when she had first met Sara, back in a life before Harry and Leo, and before all the pain that had been inflicted on her over the past few months. She put it down to the fatigue caused by carrying her secret around for almost 23 weeks, and something at the back of her mind reminded her that she still hadn't gone to a doctor, but she blocked that thought out. She didn't want to be thinking about it, but the body on the slab in front of her was forcing thoughts of her new responsibility back onto her mind.

It was the body of a baby, who couldn't have been more than 3 months old. According to Sara's husband Pieter, who had brought the body in, he had been found abandoned out alongside a road on the outskirts of Cape Town, where city met plain. At first glance he could have been a cot death, but Nikki's post mortem had found his body to be riddled with cocaine; someone had murdered him. Though she hadn't said anything, not being prepared to tell Sara her secret just yet, the whole thing had unsettled Nikki considerably. Because she was afraid, afraid that this child's mother had done this to him, unable to cope, and terrified that she would be the same. But she wasn't like that, and she wouldn't inflict this pain on a child. Never mind the voice reminding her that she might have already done so, never mind the fresh wave of pain that shot through her abdomen, reminding her that something might be wrong with the both of them yet.

"Niks, you nearly done?" called Sara, having just appeared from behind the plastic curtains covering the entrance to the mortuary. One look told Nikki that she was on a mission, probably having just received a call from a crime scene.

"Pretty much there, I just need to sew the body up. Why?"

"You want to come with me down to the marina? We've just had a case called in, quite a nasty one by the sounds of it, looks like a double murder. I could do with some help?"

"And you can't take Danika or Anil?" Nikki teased her, knowing that both of Sara's close friends among the Peppertree Mortuary pathologists were available, as were several of the other members of staff.

"Well, they'll still be here next week!" Sara replied, grabbing her hand and dragging her towards the door. "So come on then, don't you want to see one last _proper_ crime scene before you go back to lovely rainy England where everyone dies nice, uncomplicated, natural deaths and you get about 1 body a week?"

"It's not quite that simple! And I'll have you know that we get plenty of murder cases in London!" Nikki protested, but Sara just shrugged her shoulders and laughed, waiting impatiently by the door as Nikki changed out of her scrubs, being careful to face away from Sara as she did so.

"Ah, but that's what they all say, Niks. That's what they all say."

The marina down at Three Anchor Bay was rather crowded; thanks to the number of visiting tourists making the most of what they thought was the sunny weather, which was in fact the height of South African winter. The queue at the boat hire hut stretched right down onto the beach, and the shallower part of the bay was littered with cruiser boats, some containing holiday makers out on an exploration of this part of the cape by boat, some holding locals making the most of the cooler weather before the winter was over and the fierce sun began to beat down on the coastline once more. Even the piers were scattered with people, sitting over the edges and dangling their feet into the cool aqua-blue waters of the sea, and photographing the bay which stretched before them. Yet a small section at the end of one of the piers had been closed off, and was already occupied by a handful of policemen. Nikki followed Sara towards them, cautious as to what she might find.

"Professor Laurence!" one of the policemen greeted Sara, a grave expression on his face. "Got a nasty one here for you, I'm afraid. And who's this?" he asked, catching sight of Nikki lurking behind her.

"Doctor Nikki Alexander, my colleague," Sara explained, lifting the police tape and ducking underneath, with Nikki trailing behind. "Niks, this is Filip Bachmann, with the police, we've worked together a few times before. So what do we know so far?"

"Very little, except that they were fished out of the sea an hour or so ago. We think they might have been tourists, from China maybe?" Filip Bachmann explained, gesturing to the 2 bodies lying on the pier. They were both the bodies of oriental males; one in his late 50s, one just a teenager. Sara promptly knelt down to examine the bodies, pulling on a pair of gloves and beginning a brief examination of the lacerations covering the teenager's body, but Nikki stayed standing, glued to the spot. She didn't need to examine the bodies any more closely to know what she was dealing with, not when she had such a clear view of the left forearms of the dead men, and the phoenix image which spread across their skin like an infectious disease.

"Well, I doubt their deaths were accidental, not with these wounds," Sara remarked, reaching over to close the lifeless eyes of the victims. "Niks, can you…" she began, and looked up to see Nikki swaying slightly on the spot, growing paler by the second. "Niks?"

"I've seen this before," Nikki managed shakily, as Sara ripped off her gloves and guided her friend down into a sitting position at the edge of the pier. "Back in London. The tattoo- the one on their forearms. They're part of a group called the Phoenix Movement. Their leader- Bai Lưu- he's the one who…who…"

"Oh god," Sara realized, pulling Nikki into a hug and blocking her view from the body. "I'm so sorry, Niks, if I'd known… Nikki I'm so sorry…"

Meanwhile, far out at sea, a small white cruiser boat was sailing out towards a cluster of rocks and caves at the coast of a tiny island, inhabited only by sea lions and various marine wildlife. The boat was occupied by a lone man, a short, oriental man with a fierce expression, who was scanning the sea ahead as if searching for something in particular. Then an evil grin spread across his face, and he changed his course, heading now for another cruiser boat, much like his own. The ship became gradually closer and closer until the 2 boats were right alongside one another, and another man could be seen on the second ship. This man was white and slightly older, with receding grey hair and wide dark eyes. He smiled nervously when he caught sight of the oriental man and cast out his anchor, before placing a thick plank of wood across the gap between the two boats, and passing over the gap to the other. 'Phượng hoàng' read the name plaque on the side of the oriental man's boat in Vietnamese. 'Phoenix'.

"Good afternoon," greeted the oriental man, shaking the hand of his visitor. "I'm Bai- Bai Lưu- but I'm sure you guessed that. You must be Victor Alexander."

"That's right," said Victor. "Pleased to meet you. Although I must admit, I'm not quite sure what this is all about."

"I'm sorry, you must be very confused," Bai smiled warmly. "It's just, well, I heard on the grapevine that you're having a little trouble with money at the moment. I thought I might be able to help."

"Really?" Victor asked, his eyes lighting up. "But I don't understand. You don't even know me, why would you want to help?"

"I know your daughter," Bai explained. "Nikki. She's a pathologist back in England, isn't she? She told me you were in trouble debt-wise, that you used to be a business man out here, working in construction, is that right?"

"Right," Victor confirmed. "Although I must admit, I'm surprised she mentioned me at all. Our relationship is rather complicated, to say the least. "

Bai nodded. "That's what I thought," he said. "Anyway, I also work in business out here, but my company and I are just starting out here in South Africa and I could do with some local knowledge. I haven't told Nikki about this yet, but I was thinking, if you could help me, I could help you out with your cash-flow problem, get you out of debt?"

"That sounds like a plan," Victor said eagerly. "But what is it your company does, if you don't mind me asking?"

"No, not at all," replied Bai. "It's a Vietnamese business, political, really, but you won't need to worry about that. If I give you a sign-up sum now, can we talk later, when the rest of my company arrive out here?"

"Certainly," Victor agreed, greedily accepting a bundle of cash and a phone number from Bai, and heading back towards his own boat. His back was turned as he sailed back towards the cape, so he didn't see the evil glint in Bai's eyes. Because the business he had told Victor about; it didn't exist. He was simply using Victor as a pathway to what he wanted. To Hong-hanh.


	48. Homecoming

**Here's the next one :) Sorry it took a bit longer- blame GCSEs. This one's kind of a bridge between what's been happening so far and how things are going to progress for Nikki, so things are going to get moving again after this… Thank you so much everyone reading this, especially all you reviewers- thyqua, gem.S, timelove, emmaJ1996, curleyhat and tigpop, love you all and please keep on reviewing, you guys are fueling this story!**

**Hope you like, and don't forget to review,**

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 47**

**Homecoming**

_I'm coming home, coming home, tell the world that I'm coming home,_

_Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday,_

_I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes,_

_I'm coming home, coming home, tell the world that I'm coming home._

_Coming Home, Dirty Money_

**Saturday 20th June 2011**

**-6.37pm Cape Town time**

The plane shook violently from side to side as it finally landed on the Cape Town Runway, only 4 hours later than scheduled. Harry Cunningham sighed as the aircraft finally skidded to a halt outside the terminal; it had been an agonizing flight, to say the least. Nikki's friend Sara Laurence had phoned the previous afternoon, to tell Harry and Leo that two bodies of oriental men had been found washed up on a Cape Town port, and Nikki had recognised the tattoos on the forearms of the deceased as the mark of the Phoenix Movement. After that, Leo had contacted the Home Office, who had contacted the South African Crime and Pathology Unit, and both organisations had agreed that it was best for Harry and Leo to fly out to Cape Town as soon as possible, to assist Sara, the other pathologists at her mortuary and the South African police in their investigation. So the two British pathologists had booked a seat on the next available flight out to Cape Town, and had turned up at Heathrow Airport at an incredibly antisocial hour of the morning, only to discover that their plane had been delayed by no less than 4 hours. Leo was on edge; he and Janet had been expecting a call at some point that day from New Beginnings Adoption Agency concerning their adoption application and a possible match to a Vietnamese baby, and he hadn't been able to call Janet while on the plane. And both men were stressed out at the prospect of seeing Nikki, as it would, after all, be the first time the two of them saw her face to face since finding out about the assault. Harry had been speaking to her on the phone on an almost daily basis, and Leo had called several times, but talking on the phone was very different to seeing each other in real life. Harry and Leo both knew just how good Nikki was at hiding all trace of emotion in her voice; it was often only via her actions that the two of them even got a hint as to how she was really feeling. Martha had warned Harry that Nikki still seemed rather fragile and far from herself, but that didn't matter to him. All that mattered was that soon, he was going to see Nikki, and he was never going to let anyone hurt her, ever again. He still felt guilty that he hadn't realized what was wrong, that it had taken 6 months and a police report, not to mention Nikki's behaviour and clear distress for him to realize what was wrong, but there was nothing he could do about the past. But he was coming back to her now, and she was going to be OK. She had to be. He'd never forgive himself if the old Nikki was gone forever, thanks to him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have now landed in Cape Town, and we apologise for the delay," came the cheery voice of the air hostess over the intercom, met by a chorus of grumbling from the passengers, who did not seem so pleased about arriving at their destination 4 hours later than planned. "The local time is 18.40. Thank you for flying with British Airways, and we hope you enjoy your stay."

'Enjoy your stay,' Harry echoed in his mind as he collected his hand luggage together and followed Leo down the aisle, towards the exit of the plane at long last. This stay was going to be anything but enjoyable, and both he and Leo knew it only too well. Yes, they would enjoy the climate and the beaches and all the other perks of being in Africa, if they had the time in between work, and Harry was looking forward to catching up with Sara, but nothing could distract him from the reason they had flown out to Cape Town in the first place. The team of pathologists were in South Africa because of Bai Lưu; because Bai Lưu had raped Nikki and murdered god only knew how many apparently innocent members of his own organisation, and now it was down to them to find out why, and stop Bai before he hurt anyone else. And all the while simultaneously helping Nikki to overcome her ordeal, however hard that task might be. No, Harry decided, as he stepped off the plane into the angry glare of the African sunset and made his way across the runway to the passenger shuttle. There was no way anyone could possibly enjoy this stay.

The shuttle journey was over in a matter of minutes, and soon Harry and Leo were stepping out into the airport terminal; finally, after an agonizingly long wait, they had arrived. Leo had begun rummaging through his bag almost the moment they had landed on South African soil, and was now fishing his mobile phone out of his bag, his expression a mixture of anxiousness and excitement.

"Harry, would you mind if I just phoned Janet quickly before we go through border security?" he asked hopefully. "I know you're desperate to see Nikki, and I am too, but Janet should have had a call by now from the adoption agency, and…"

"It's fine, it's fine," Harry assured him quickly. It was far from fine; he had waited for two long weeks to see Nikki and wasn't prepared to wait any longer, but he knew how important the adoption was to Leo and Janet. Poor Leo had already been forced to endure the long plane flight knowing that Janet probably had news about their future child, but couldn't share it with him. Who was Harry to deny Leo that phone call home any longer?

"I'll be two minutes," Leo promised, before stepping to the side and beginning to dial. Harry took this opportunity to pull out his own mobile phone; Nikki and Martha were due to meet them at the airport, and had already been waiting the best part of the afternoon, thanks to the flight delay. Martha had insisted on Harry and Leo staying at hers, telling them it would be good for Nikki to have them around her, and anyway, she was very much looking forward to meeting them. And so, too tired and stressed out to fight particularly hard, Harry and Leo had given in and accepted Martha's invitation.

"Hello?" Nikki's voice came from the other end of the phone. "Harry? Are you here?"

"Yep, we're finally here," Harry told her, a broad grin spreading across his face as he did so. "Leo's just making a phone call- apparently he and Janet were expecting to hear from their adoption agency about a possible placement today- but we'll be out in about 20 minutes, hopefully less, OK?"

"Sounds good to me. Give me a call again when you're through customs, OK?"

"Will do," Harry confirmed.

"And Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"I've missed you. More than you know."


	49. Reunion

**Sorry about the delay guys, been quite busy :( I'm going to try and write as many chapters tomorrow as possible, so I have a supply ready for the days when I haven't got enough time to write anything new, so hopefully I can get the updates a bit more frequent…**

**Hope you like this one; in which Harry and Nikki are finally reunited ;) Thank you so much to everyone reading this, especially everyone who reviewed: Tigpop, emmaJ1996, gem.S, lizziginne, timelove, Thyqua and doctwho-fanatic2010, love you all and please keep reviewing, you guys are awesome! EmmaJ1996- I, Florencia Frema Hong-hanh -promise you that there will be a Harry/Bai confrontation when the time is right (which is already written, but we're not quite at the right point in the story for it yet), and that there will definitely be a happy ending :)**

**Hope you enjoy, and don't forget to press the review button!**

**Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 48**

**Reunion**

**Saturday 20****th**** June 2011**

**-6.49pm**

"Well?" Harry asked his boss as he emerged from a quiet corner of the airport, a broad grin stretching across his face which gave Harry a good idea of the news. "Any news?"

"Yep, you could say that," Leo said happily, before suddenly throwing his arms around Harry, clearly delighted. "They've matched us!" he told him excitedly, practically jumping up and down like a small child on Christmas morning. "A baby boy- only about 4 months old, the agency reckons. He'll probably be about 7 or 8 months by the time we get him, though. His name's Nhung, it means 'velvet', apparently, but I think we're going to make that his middle name and give him a British name that's a bit easier to pronounce. Janet's trying to work out how to send a picture of him through to me now."

"Oh Leo, that's fantastic!" Harry exclaimed, giving his boss a hug, knowing how much the adoption, the having a second chance at fatherhood, had meant to him. "Congratulations! I take it I'm option number 1 for godfather?"

Leo rolled his eyes light-heartedly. "Only if you don't pester. And thank you. Now come on, shall we go and see Nikki?"

20 minutes later Harry and Leo were finally heading towards the airport exit, ready to meet Nikki and Martha at long last. Harry had phoned Nikki just before they picked up their suitcases, which meant that by now, she and Martha would be outside waiting for them, and suddenly Harry had found himself overcome with nerves. Maybe it was the realization that this was the first time he would see Nikki in person since finding out about the assault, the first time he would look her in the eye and really get an idea as to how she might be feeling. Or maybe it was just worry about her, and fear of not being able to cope when he saw her, of not being able to contain himself when he saw the pain in her eyes again, this time knowing why it was there. 'You've got to stop this Harry, this being so protective over her,' he told himself firmly. 'You're just her best friend, and she can look after herself.'

But she couldn't look after herself all the time, as he and Leo now knew. Most of the time, yes, but to Harry, the attack and the way she had fought to keep it her secret proved that she could be vulnerable, that she wasn't as invincible as she made out. Nikki had been through so much in her life, Harry knew, and she'd come out of it all fighting, slightly scarred by the experiences but somewhat stronger for having had them. But this was something different altogether. Harry knew he could never understand what she must have gone through that night, not even in the slightest, but he knew that without a doubt, it must have been the worst experience of her life. Her reaction to the situation alone had proved that; he'd never known Nikki to be as quiet, withdrawn and on-edge as she had been over the past few months, and that told him that Bai's actions had hurt her more than anything else in the world. But never again. He would never, ever let her feel a pain even close to that again, not if he could help it. She might only be his best friend, and nothing more, no matter how much he wanted it, but he was still going to look after her religiously from now on. Harry knew it would be impossible to protect her from all the bad things, all the evil in the world, but that wasn't going to stop him from trying with all his might. Because he was dreading having to see her now and see the pain in her eyes, and know the cause of it to be something so horrible. But he would get her through this, he vowed. There was a light at the end of the tunnel, and together, they would reach it.

Harry began searching the crowd outside the airport frantically the moment he stepped into it, so preoccupied with finding Nikki that he missed Leo rolling his eyes at his younger colleague fondly. There were just so many people that his eyes couldn't focus; she could have been standing right in front of him and he might have missed her. Nikki hadn't said specifically where she and Martha were on the phone, so he had no idea where to look first, only to keep heading out towards the car park and along the row of taxis in the pick-up zone, scanning the faces of the crowd, desperate to see hers among them.

"Harry!"

He stopped in his tracks and turned; he would recognise the sound of her voice anywhere. But he still couldn't see her; he could only hear her calling his name, a trace of excitement detectable in her tone, and suddenly, all his fears didn't matter. He was finally here after 2 long weeks of worrying about her night and day, and now he just wanted to see her.

And suddenly his vision blurred entirely, and now he all her could see was a thick blonde curtain of hair blocking his eyes, as Nikki threw herself into his arms, clinging to him as though afraid that should she let go, even for a second, he would evaporate into nothingness.

"Harry," she whispered, her voice just loud enough for him to hear, and Harry pulled her in closer, stroking her hair, taking comfort in her mere presence.

"Nikki?" he said softly, "You know what you said on the phone?"

"Harry, about that," she began, obviously worried he had taken offence at her words, or thought them to be inappropriate. "I didn't mean…"

"Shh," Harry interrupted her, pulling away slightly and looking her straight in the eyes. "I missed you too. More than anything."


	50. Something Wrong

**Here's the next one :) Sorry it's late and not so long, but it's the holidays soon, so there'll be more regular updates in the 1****st**** week of the easter hols, revision permitting! In the second week I'm off to Nicosia for a family reunion thing, but I promise to have lots of chapters ready for that week, so you can either read one a day or the lot in one go- it's up to you! That's not for a couple of weeks yet, but I just thought I'd give you some warning :)**

**Thank you to all my reviewers: Tigpop, lizziginne, emmaJ1996, gem.S, timelove and thyqua, as ever I love you all and please keep the reviews coming, you are all keeping this going big time :) And I promise to get the chapters longer, just give me til Thursday and I'll have much more time!**

**Enjoy,**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 49**

**Something Wrong**

**Saturday 20th June 2011**

**-7.10pm**

"Going to introduce us, then?" Harry asked grinning, finally pulling away from Nikki and turning back to Leo, and to an African woman of about Leo's age standing slightly away from them, whom Harry was guessing was Martha Manduna.

"Yes, sorry," Nikki blushed, turning back towards the others. "Harry, Leo, this is Martha," she said, gesturing to the woman behind them, who smiled warmly. "And Martha, this is Harry, and Leo."

"Nice to meet you," Martha said warmly, reaching out to shake Leo's hand, then Harry's. "I've heard lots about you both."

"Oh Nikki, what have you been saying now?" Harry joked, and Leo rolled his eyes, fully used to Harry's jokes after spending so many years working with him. "Don't believe a word of it. Whatever she's been telling you, it wasn't us."

Martha laughed, as did Nikki, and Harry realized it had been far too long since he had last heard that sound. "Nothing bad, I assure you," she told him, before leading the group of them off towards one of the taxis hovering outside the airport. "Shall we head off?"

The journey back to Martha's house was relatively quiet; at least, on Harry and Nikki's part. Leo and Martha chatted away in the front of the taxi, while Harry and Nikki sat silent in the back. Harry could tell she was still hurting, but that she wasn't in the right frame of mind to be talking to him about it. The two of them had discussed the assault a number of times over the phone since the revelation, but Harry had never got particularly far in getting his best friend to talk. She'd avoided giving him details of the attack by telling him it was too embarrassing to talk to a man about that kind of thing, even though Harry had promised her that as her best friend, anything she said would remain strictly between the two of them, and he only wanted to help her through it, but she wouldn't budge. She'd avoided telling him how she was feeling too; her answer to that question had always been 'fine', nothing more. She would never give anything solid away, no matter how hard Harry fought to get her to let her guard down, and he hoped to whatever god existed that Nikki had been talking to Martha where she wouldn't talk to him, because otherwise, she was still bearing this burden by herself.

But Harry knew that pushing her to talk was the worst thing to do, especially in a taxi with someone she didn't know-the driver- victims of what Nikki had been through could become jumpy about the slightest exposure of their emotions to complete strangers, even if they were unlikely to ever cross paths with them at any point in the future, and having only just met up with her again after 2 weeks apart. There was no way Nikki was going to respond well to that; if anything, it would just cause her to withdraw even further into her shell. And so Harry simply wrapped his arm around her as she curled up across his chest for a hug, realizing that she only ever did that on two occasions: either on their Friday film nights, or when she was really, really upset. That couldn't be a good sign.

"It's not much further now," Martha was telling them, presumably for Harry and Leo's benefit, but Harry wasn't paying attention to her words. Instead, he was focusing on Nikki, who had suddenly tensed up in his lap, her face distorted slightly as though in pain.

"Nikki?" he said softly, aware that she might not want the others in the front of the taxi to hear; she was clearly doing her best to hide it from him. "Nikki, what's wrong?"

But she just shook her head. "I'm fine," she insisted quietly, so Harry and Harry alone could hear her, and sitting bolt upright as she did so, clearly trying to put on a brave front. "Just tired."

"It must have been tiring, standing around waiting for us all day," Harry sighed, knowing that her energy levels were likely to be down at the moment, on top of everything else. "OK. But you'd tell me if there was anything wrong, wouldn't you?"

"But that's just it, Harry," Nikki sighed softly, leaning into his chest again and closing her eyes. "I'm not sure I ever tell anyone the truth anymore."

"Oh Nikki, you know you can trust me, don't you?" Harry whispered, gaging her face for a reaction, and catching the look in her eyes that told him she wasn't prepared to talk about this in front of Leo and Martha. He was still the one she trusted above anyone else, and as selfish as it might be, he was somewhat proud of that, glad that he was the one she felt able to confide in the most.

"We'll talk when we get back," he told her firmly, kissing the top of her head and staring out of the window at a uniform row of exotic-looking trees as they turned off the main road and onto a dusty track. He was determined to get her to tell him whatever it was that was still worrying her, but he knew that now was not the time or the place. But he would get it out of her. He would. Just not now.


	51. Plotting the downfall

**Here's the next one, and thank you to everyone still reading, 50 chapters and a prologue in, and an extra thank you to everyone who reviewed: Dinabar, curleyhat, timelove, tigpop, emmaJ1996, gemS, lizziginne and Thyqua, you guys are all amazing!**

**Timelove- no, not a professional writer in any way, this is actually my first attempt at writing anything, which is why I'm so amazed this is actually getting read! **

**Sorry this has been getting a bit slow, I've been quite busy this week and haven't had enough time to write a proper plot chapter, as I don't want to ruin the main story by rushing it. This one gets moving a bit though, and I hope you'll love what I've got lined up for the next few chapters…**

**Enjoy, and please review! Nearly at 300 reviews people!**

**Flossie xxxx**

**Chapter 50**

**Plotting the Downfall**

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

**-4.01am**

The beach was lit by only the light of the moon reflecting on the grim blue sea as Bai Lưu's jeep pulled up on the sand, the stars shining brightly in the velvet sky. But their lights seemed to fade as the front right-hand door swung open, as if nature itself knew who Bai was, and knew he was a man to be feared. His steps were slow, precise, planned to the last detail as he stepped down from the vehicle and walked round to the boot of the jeep, with one specific aim in mind; to avoid detection. This was something in which Bai was an expert. Having been trained in a variety of Vo That, or Vietnamese martial arts, from a young age, as well as a number of foreign styles he had picked up along the way, it was relatively simple for Bai to avoid detection, as and when he wanted to. He knew exactly how to tread to make your footprints seem to be heading in every direction under the sun; he could cross a nightingale floor without it giving a single squeak. He could track the movements of an enemy's sword blindfolded, using only his hearing as the Japanese samurai had done before him, and he could even walk across sand without leaving a single footprint behind him, as he was doing now. His training gave him an edge over everyone he met; something about it clung to him, even when he wasn't practising Vo That. Something about him warned people off, let them know that he wasn't someone to be crossed or argued with, and Bai played that to his advantage.

Slowly, silently, Bai reached into the boot of the jeep and pulled out a thin, black bin bag, in which something small, thin and solid was wrapped. There was no flicker of remorse on his face as he lifted the bundle into his arms, walking, slower still, down to the water's edge. He lowered the bag to the ground and pulled it away from the shape within, pausing to admire his handiwork. Which one was this? He couldn't remember. Oak-hee? Jin-ho? He didn't know. But what did it matter? Whoever it was who lay here now, stone cold at his feet, they were here because they had failed. He'd given the opportunity to change not only their lives, but the lives of everyone in South-East Asia, but they hadn't been up to the challenge. They had been scared, weak and feeble, just like all the others, and that was why he needed Hong-hanh. The more he thought about it, the more sense it seemed to make. It was his plan, this mission he had given the children, and anyone else would have thought him mad to even attempt it. But he wasn't like everyone else, Bai decided. He was stronger mentally, prepared to do whatever he had to do in order to fight for what he believed in and restore his country as an independent state, and Hong-hanh would be the same. His willpower, his drive to succeed, his musical ability and passion for what he believed in, together with Nikki's stubbornness, her mind, her fiery side and her determination to put others first. What could possibly go wrong? She would be built for this mission, perfectly suited to the dangerous task that lay ahead of her. It wasn't going to be easy, but he'd get her to do it. He would restore peace to his people, even if that meant sacrificing his own daughter.

He waited a moment to check that there was no one around, before opening his mouth and letting out the loudest, most high-pitched scream he could manage. He needed someone to come looking for the body; he needed it to be found tonight. He was still seeing no evidence of his daughter's existence in Nikki's physique, and he wanted to see her, to be sure she hadn't got rid of her. He didn't think she would have done, not after what he'd told her that night in January, the lie he'd told her about her father, but he couldn't be certain. All he knew was that he needed the baby. He needed Hong-hanh, and he'd do whatever it took to get her. Even if that meant going back for a round 2.

And so, without a second thought, Bai Lưu abandoned the body there on the beach, and headed back up towards the jeep, smirking to himself as he thought of the poor South African police; they weren't going to know what had hit them. He was safe, he knew that much. By the time they even had the slightest inkling as to what was going on, as to what the Phoenix Movement was really about, he would be long gone. And Hong-hanh and Nikki would be long gone with him.

**-5.12am**

"Harry? Harry, wake up!"

Harry groaned and pulled the duvet further over his head, wondering what could possibly be this urgent. He was yet to open his eyes, but he could still tell that it was dark, and the cold chill of the South African winter told him that it wasn't the evening; this was the early hours of the morning. Who on earth was trying to get him out of bed at this time?

"Harry, come on!"

It was Nikki's voice, he realized, Nikki was the one dragging him out of his warm, comfortable bed, or at least, the mattress he was sharing with Leo on the living room floor; Martha's house wasn't the largest of places.

"What is it?" Harry moaned groggily, shuffling out from under the duvet and peering up at Nikki. She was fully dressed and perched on the edge of the mattress, Leo's side. So where was Leo?

"About quarter past 5 in the morning," Nikki replied cheerily, and Harry could just about make out a grin spreading across her face as he groaned again. "But you won't have adjusted to the time difference yet, so for you it's more like quarter past 3."

"Thanks for reminding me," Harry replied sarcastically. "So what's going on?"

"I've just had a call from Sara," Nikki explained, waving her mobile phone at him. "We're needed, now."

Harry looked at her suspiciously. "You did tell Sara that British pathologists only work during daylight? She might be nocturnal, but I'm certainly not. Hey, is this a South African pathology thing, working all hours of the day? Is this why you pull so many all-nighters?"

In the darkness of the room, he could just make out Nikki rolling her eyes at his last comment. "It's too early for your jokes, Harry," she complained. "No, another body's been found relating to the phoenix case, on Clifton Beach, apparently. Sara doesn't know anything else; only that they want us down there as soon as possible."

"But what about my beauty sleep?" Harry complained, dragging himself off the mattress and standing up, getting his bearings as he looked around the unfamiliar room. "So where's Leo?"

"In the bathroom, he won't be long," Nikki replied. "And come on, you're going to make us late, and trust me, you really, really don't want to do that. Sara's a dragon this early in the morning."


	52. The Story so Far

**This one's for Lizziginne, and anyone else who's been feeling a bit confused as to how everything fits together! It's not another chapter I'm afraid, it's a plot summary of everything that's happened so far in brief, in which I've tried to explain who all the various characters are and how they link together, without giving away too much! I hope this is helpful- if there's still anything you don't understand, leave me a review and I'll explain next chapter :) **

**Hope this clears things up a bit, **

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 51**

**The Story so Far**

**Plot explanation**

On Sunday 9th January 2011, Nikki Alexander met her former neighbour, Bai Lưu, at a bar in West London. Bai and his family had been her neighbours when she was a child, and she had been friends with his children for a number of years around the age of 6-10, despite her parents' warnings that the whole family were bad news. There were rumours about their estate of Bai and his wife being involved with all sorts of nasty happenings both in South Africa and on the Chinese border with North Korea, where the Lưu family had previously lived, and Victor and Celin Alexander did not want their daughter involved. Nikki, however, was too young to understand their reasoning, and continued to sneak next door to play with the children. After she moved away, following her father's bankruptcy, she had no further contact with any of the family, until she met Bai in the bar that night. Bai recognised her instantly- though we are not told this, he had been planning to meet up with her again for some time, for reasons later to be revealed. Bai and Nikki got talking and Bai drugged Nikki's drink, before persuading her to take him back to her flat to catch up, and so he could phone his daughter, Nikki's former friend, and tell her Nikki had been living so close for so many years.

Once back at Nikki's, Bai locked the door and began to tell Nikki the story of the Phoenix Movement; including how he had been involved in its set up after the end of the Vietnam War in 1975, before Nikki was even born. Bai had fought on the side of his country, democratic South Vietnam, against the communist North Vietnam, but his efforts were in vain and South Vietnam fell to the North. Bai and a group of friends, including Lan Phom (of the Hong-hanh chapters) and Thi and Dai Nguyen, set up a group called the Phoenix Movement, aiming to fight against communism in other South East Asian countries. They strongly objected in particular to communism in North Korea and went there to help, and spent the next few decades smuggling food supplies and modern technology into the country across the Tumen River, and helping a small number of defectors to escape. Bai befriended one of these defectors, (let us call him X), and the both of them had been sent insane by the terrible things they had seen in their lifetimes; for Bai, the Vietnam War, and for X, the famine in North Korea. The pair began to form a plan to overthrow the Korean government, but no one took them seriously, until one day they declared that they had a flawless plan ready to be put into place, but refused to tell anyone what it was. The other members, all distinguishable by a phoenix tattoo on their left forearms, were left even more baffled when Bai and X began bringing children into the Phoenix Movement's base camp, and training them up in martial arts, music and Korean culture, saying it was all part of their grand plan. Over the years several children were taken over into North Korea by Bai and X; none were ever seen again.

Things finally came to a head when Lan Phom, Thi Nguyen and Dai Nguyen were handed 2 young children who had 'failed' their training by Bai and X, and told to dispose of them. They were horrified, and so Thi and Dai took this opportunity to leave the Phoenix Movement, smuggling the children into Vietnam and leaving them at an orphanage, before heading to the UK to start a new life. The children baffled the carers by not understanding any of the local languages; they had spent their whole lives in Korea up until then. Eventually they were adopted by a British couple, and became Isabella and Oliver Greenfield in the UK.

A group of North Korean teenagers, Michelle Yu, Eun-mei Kim and Joshua Song, also became involved in the Phoenix Movement, believing it to be a chance to change their country for the better. However, when things didn't quite work out as planned and X came after them and their families, the families fled to South Korea via China, and later to the UK. Michelle continued to correspond to Bai by letter about the Phoenix Movement and dreams of a better future, not knowing it was he who had tried to kill her and her family back in North Korea.

Bai told Nikki all this and also his plan for the children (not yet known to the reader), but missed out the part about wanting her child to complete his 'mission', the mission which all the children so far had failed. He then raped her and fled the flat, leaving Nikki in pieces emotionally. We now know that Bai intended for her to get pregnant all along, so he could claim the child for his mission. After leaving Nikki's flat Bai proceeded to the shopping centre, where he knew the Nguyen couple had arranged to meet with Isabella and Oliver Greenfield and their parents, as well as Michelle, Eun-mei and Joshua, although why the meeting was arranged in the first place, we do not yet know. Bai had found out about the meeting thanks to Michelle's letters, and so, fearing that the former Phoenix members might be plotting against him, he shot them dead in the shopping centre, before fleeing the scene. Leo picked up the case that evening, and Harry was called in the next day, while Nikki phoned in sick, too ashamed to come into work. Harry came round to visit several times during her time off, and although he knew something was wrong, he didn't want to push her and never guessed the truth.

Since then, the pathologists have been trying to piece together the various elements of the case, unaware that Nikki holds the vital information they need to track down Bai and put a stop to him once and for all. The body of a yet-to-be-identified Vietnamese boy had also been found at the London Vietnamese Embassy, along with the message 'we pay in the blood of our people.' Bodies have also been found of 2 oriental men in South Africa, and now of an additional child, whose identities will be revealed in the next few chapters, as will the link between all the various victims of Bai and the Phoenix Movement.

Meanwhile, Nikki is yet to tell anyone of her pregnancy, and as of Sunday 19th June 2011 (last chapter), is now 23 weeks pregnant. Having not even seen a doctor, she has no idea if the baby is even healthy, and has been experiencing abnormal pains for several months, but is still in denial about the whole thing, and plans to give the baby up as soon as possible, believing she could never love the child after everything that has happened. And as she, Harry, Leo and Sara fit together the final pieces of the Phoenix jigsaw, Bai is in the process of tricking Victor Alexander into making the biggest mistake of his life and hurting Nikki in the worst way possible, even if he doesn't know it yet…

And somewhere in the future, Bai and his daughter, Hong-hanh, have travelled to South Africa to stay with Victor and Lan Phom in Nikki's childhood home. Lan refers to Hong-hanh as Celin, the same name as Nikki's mother, and tells her that her warped impression of her mother's departure is far from what really happened. Celin remembers the truth when Lan sends her to visit Celin Alexander (Nikki's mum's) grave, and now she makes the decision to run away from Bai, and find her mother…


	53. Stalker

**I wasn't planning on this going up today, but Emma, I felt sorry for you so I thought I'd put it up now! I know what you mean, I hate it when that happens to me :( Glad everyone understands what's going on now, and I hope you like this one. Things are going to start moving a bit faster, so if at any point you get lost, please let me know! And thank you so much to Lizziginne, EmmaJ1996, curleyhat, thyqua, gemS, timelove and tigpop- please keep reviewing, love you all loads! Timelove- love your Bai analogy, emmaJ1996- don't worry, I'm sure they'll be a chance for Harry to punch Bai when they finally meet, and GemS- I couldn't agree more about Bai! That's why he's so much fun to write, because in some ways he's doing something incredibly selfless and noble, but of course the way he's going about it is all wrong :(**

**To anyone who was wondering, I forgot to say last time that Nicosia is the capital of Cyprus, but it's split in 2 between the Turkish side and Cyprus. I'm going to the Turkish side to see family, but the Cypriot side is lovely too! **

**Hope you like,**

**Flossiexxxx**

**Chapter 52**

**Stalker**

_Every breath you take,_

_Every move you make,_

_Every bond you break, _

_Every step you take,_

_I'll be watching you._

_Every single day,_

_Every word you say,_

_Every game you play,_

_Every night you stay,_

_I'll be watching you._

_Every breath you take, Sting and the Police_

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

It was another 20 minutes before Nikki finally managed to drag Harry and Leo out of Martha's front door, and another 15 on top of that before they arrived at the crime scene. Normally the beach would have been deserted at such an uncivilized hour, but today it was swarming with police officers, forensic photographers and various other crime scene officials, and a section at one end near to the water had been taped off; presumably the area in which the body had been found. It was still fairly dark and the sky was only just beginning to fade from jet black to a navy blue, but various points along the beach had been illuminated with what looked like large, plastic, portable lamp posts, towering comically over the scene like artificial palm trees. Nikki scanned the crowd for a moment or two before spotting Sara, waving slightly as she made her way towards her, with Harry and Leo trailing behind.

"Morning," Nikki greeted her, knowing from experience that the best approach to Sara on a night call was to be upbeat, but not too cheerful. "You remember Harry and Leo, don't you?"

"Of course," Sara said, smiling slightly, a tired expression etched across her face. "Hello again. I just wish we could be meeting under better circumstances, or at least, at a decent time."

"Oh, don't worry about that," Leo said breezily. "It's much the same in the UK; we're quite used to it, aren't we Harry?"

Harry nodded. "So what have we got? I gather it's something to do with the Phoenix Movement?"

Sara's face suddenly turned incredibly serious, and as she continued, there was a grave tone in her voice that hadn't been there before. "That's right," she confirmed, letting out a deep sigh. "It's another child I'm afraid, oriental, most likely about 6 or 7. I've already had a brief look at her body, and I think I can make out the phoenix tattoo under her hair, but I can't be sure until we get her back to the lab. There are multiple stab wounds to the body, so assuming she was washed up onto the beach, she was either dead or badly injured before she entered the water, but we'll have to check her lungs to find out which it was. But there's something else, something I don't think we've had with any of the other Phoenix victims before, including yours back in the UK."

"And what's that?" Leo asked curiously, but Sara shook her head and began to lead the British pathologists towards the body, lying helplessly on the cool bed of sand.

"It's best if I show you, I think," she said. "But Nikki, are you sure you want to see this? I told you on the phone, this is almost certainly Bai Lưu's doing-"

"Sara, I know, and I'm fine," Nikki said firmly, making a conscious effort to pull herself together in order to convince the others that she was up to this. She had felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and responsibility at the death of each Phoenix victim since the beginning of this whole mess, having convinced herself that if it hadn't been for her, too scared to speak out about what Bai had told her, then maybe none of them would have died. There was nothing she could do about that now, however, but she could help to bring them justice, to fight Bai and the Phoenix Movement once and for all. And so she had to see the body, she had to be involved in every aspect of the case. She had to be, for her own sanity if nothing else.

"If you're sure," Sara sighed, stepping away from the body to give Harry, Nikki and Leo a clear view.

The sight before her shocked Nikki to the core. It wasn't so much the sheer innocence of the child, lying there in her own blood, it wasn't so much the knowledge that she had died so young and at such a cost, or that her death was almost certainly connected to the Phoenix Movement or to Bai, something which Nikki should have stopped. It was the word: the seven-letter word written in thick black letters across the child's forehead, branding her, tying her forever to Bai Lưu's twisted plan to rid the world of a political system he loathed.

Failure. That was the word spelled out by the letters, across the face of a 7 year old child. Failure.

But as Nikki gingerly sank to her knees in order to examine the body more closely, aware of her own child protesting as she bent over and forcing herself to block out the sharp bolts of pain that accompanied it, she was unaware that she was being watched. Because a short way up the beach, perched on a thick branch of a beachside tree like a monkey, was Bai Lưu, peering at her through a pair of the highest quality binoculars, studying her every move like a hawk preparing to dive down to attack its prey. And as he sat there, observing her, his binoculars allowed him to pick up on something in her physique that Sara, Leo and even Harry, standing right next to her, failed to spot. Maybe it was because they weren't looking for it; Bai didn't know, but he wasn't complaining. It wasn't even close to as obvious as it should be at this stage in proceedings, and that worried him a little, but Bai didn't dwell on that. What mattered was that she was still carrying the baby. His baby. And he was going to get it, whatever it took.


	54. Heart to Heart

**Here's the next one, in which Harry and Nikki finally start to talk! And you will be pleased to know, I have now written the chapter in which Harry finds out Nikki's secret… so now I just need to finish the chapters that come in between! :)**

**Thank you so much everyone reading this and a HUGE thank you to tigpop, emmaJ1996, gemS, thyqua, timelove, lizziginne and doctorwhofanatic_2010, love you all, and please keep the reviews coming! :)**

**Hope you all enjoy,**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 53**

**Heart to heart**

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

**-7.19am**

"Nikki?" Harry called through the backrooms of Peppertree Mortuary, trying to locate his best friend. Harry, Nikki, Leo and Sara had arrived there almost half an hour ago and Sara had taken Leo and Leo alone through to the cutting room with her, insisting that Nikki looked shattered and she'd already spent time working with Harry last summer; now she wanted to get to know Leo better. Somehow, Harry had a feeling that she wasn't quite telling the truth, but he was hardly about to complain. No; instead, he was going to seize the day and finally get Nikki to open up to him about how she was coping, face to face, honestly and truthfully.

It wasn't that they hadn't talked about it- they had- but Harry knew Nikki had been keeping covered up almost 10 times the amount of information she had reluctantly given him. He and Leo had had a brief chat with Martha the night before about how they thought Nikki was coping, after Martha had packed her off to bed, her eyelids beginning to droop and her yawning becoming more and more frequent, as if she hadn't slept in months. Maybe she hadn't.

But talking to Martha had only confirmed Harry's suspicions that Nikki was still refusing to open up, to admit to anyone how she was feeling. Nikki had at least told her about the attack and how it had come about, and, according to Martha, had mentioned a few times that she blamed herself and felt incredibly used, but no matter how hard Martha tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault, Nikki just didn't seem to hear her. Harry, Leo and Martha were all convinced that there was still something Nikki wasn't telling them, but Martha felt that she was getting nowhere in terms of persuading Nikki to reveal what it was.

"She'll talk to me about most things, she always has," she'd sighed, staring down at the floor. "But even when she was little, she'd never tell me how she was feeling. There were times when I could tell she was hurting, that something was wrong, but she'd always insist it was nothing, she'd gloss over it until bringing up the subject was practically pointless. She's too stubborn and proud to ask for help, or even to accept it, that's the problem."

"That's not your fault though Martha," Leo had told her gently, trying to reassure her that she hadn't failed, that this whole mess wasn't down to her. "I think anyone who's ever known Nikki will be inclined to agree with you on that." And then he had paused, deep in thought.

"Except for Harry," he had said suddenly. "Harry's always been able to get her to talk about how she's feeling; the two of them are very close, after all."

"But I've already tried!" harry had protested. "I've tried so many times, but she didn't even trust me enough to tell me about the rape, so why would she trust me with this other big secret, whatever it is?"

"Because rape isn't the easiest thing for a woman to talk to a man about, Harry," Martha had told him. "The day she told me what happened that night, she said that she'd wanted to tell you ever since it happened, but that she didn't think you'd understand. She's been through so much these past few months, more than we'll probably ever know- at least, I hope. But you're the one she's closest to Harry, we all know that. She's got the worst of it out of the way now; you know about the attack, so the shame isn't there in the same way it was before. And that's why you're the only one who can help her now. If she's not going to tell you Harry, she's not going to tell anyone."

And so that was how Harry had ended up in this situation; searching around the lab for Nikki, knowing only too well that everything depended on the outcome of this conversation with her. Because she needed help, and if she wasn't going to let him in, then Martha and Leo were talking about sending her to see a psychologist; a specialist Sara knew in Cape Town who had a great deal of experience with rape victims. But Nikki wasn't going to like that one little bit, and that was why Harry was searching the mortuary for her now; to seize the moment and try one last time to get her to talk. They couldn't go on like this, not for much longer. Sooner or later one of them was going to erupt with all the stress and emotional torture they were being put through, and Harry wasn't sure their friendship could survive that, which was why he had to do something. He wasn't convinced that he was being the best friend he could right now, thanks to the immense bursts of anger he felt whenever he looked at her, at the hell she must have gone through that night and was still reliving, but he did know that he couldn't function without her company anymore, and he was pretty sure she felt the same way. Their friendship had to survive this. It just had to.

He eventually found Nikki curled up on the floor of the changing room, the lights all turned off and a thick gloominess hanging over the whole scene. She was hugging her knees to her chest, the way she always did when she was upset about something, and Harry was suddenly overcome with a nagging feeling that there was something different about her. Her clothing, he supposed; her taste in clothing had changed over the past couple of months, and she'd suddenly begun to wear a series of baggy tunic tops, concealing her figure. Martha had thought it was a mark of the rape and the hold it still had over her- she wanted to keep herself covered up as much as possible, and Harry, lacking a better theory, decided not to argue. So what was it? But before he could work it out, Nikki sensed his presence and looked up at him, her large brown eyes glassy and pleading with him, begging him to take the pain away. Harry didn't think he'd ever felt so helpless in his life.

"Nikki?" he said softly, approaching her slowly and lowering himself down onto the floor beside her. It was the first time he had talked to her properly since finding out about the attack, and Janet had suggested that perhaps she hadn't opened up with him before out of fear; an irrational fear of others which had kicked in since Bai. She could be an expert at hiding it by now, but it was perfectly possible for her to still be experiences moments of blind panic when approached by anyone, even someone she knew, and Harry wasn't going to take that chance of hurting her.

"Nikki, what's wrong?" he asked, refraining from any physical contact just yet, focusing on getting her to trust him through his words. Nikki, however, had other ideas, and curled up onto his lap, a ribbon of silent tears running down her cheeks as she did so. She was clinging to him as if her life depended on it, and that in itself was a clear indication to Harry that whatever it was that was wrong, it was not a lack of ability to trust those around her.

Nikki just shook her head, shifting slightly to rest her head on his shoulder, which he took as an 'OK' to wrap his arms around her tightly, waiting for the answer which he knew would come in the end, even if not for a while.

"Everything's just such a mess, Harry," she said desperately at last, by the way of an explanation.

"What's everything?" Harry asked, needing her to be more specific. "Nikki, define everything."

"Just…everything!" Nikki sobbed. "Everything I had has just been taken away Harry, and I know it was months ago and I should be over it by now-"

"But you didn't even begin to deal with any of this when it happened, did you?" Harry tried to reassure her. "This period of acceptance, of getting over what happened and learning to live with it, you've only just started working your way through it, Nikki. It's going to take time, but we'll get you through it."

Nikki shook her head. "It's not that," she said, a hint of desperation in her voice now. "4.7% Harry, that's all it was. 4.7 bloody % at the highest, most likely even less, it sounds like nothing when you put it like that, doesn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Harry pressed her, hit by a new wave of confusion. 4.7%? What on earth was she talking about?

But he never got the chance to find out, because at that moment Danika, one of the other Peppertree Mortuary pathologists, burst into the room, causing Nikki to jump out of her skin, shrinking away from Harry's embrace, and announced that Leo and Sara wanted them both in the cutting room, as soon as physically possible. And in that moment, even though he knew poor Danika was only doing her job and probably had no idea about what was going on with Nikki at the moment, Harry could have slapped her. He was so focused on restraining himself from doing exactly that in that moment, that he failed to notice Nikki wince and clutch her stomach as the all-too familiar pain swept through her, failed to notice the pressing down on the movement that had become a habit, a way of stopping the traces of Bai inside her from reminding her they were still there, that they weren't going away. He wasn't there to stop her from hurting them both.


	55. Push her away

**Fanfiction is being annoying :( apparently the last chapter has 7 reviews, but whenever I check them, only 4 come up :( so thank you so much to Thyqua, gemS, tigpop and emmaj1996 for your reviews, and thank you to the other 3 people, but I'm afraid I can't see your reviews so I don't know who you are! I'll keep trying, and hopefully I'll be able thank you by name next chapter! Please all keep reviewing though- you guys are the reason this story is still going, and I couldn't do this without you xx Let me know what you think of this one, and let's hope fanfiction will sort itself out soon! And if you really love this, you could always PM your review (pretty please?)**

**Love you all (and sorry those 3 people!)**

**Flossie xxx**

**PS. Warning: I made 3 of my sisters cry with this one… oops :(**

**Chapter 54**

**Push her away**

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

**-8.04am**

"It's bad," Sara told Harry and Nikki as they entered the cutting room a few minutes after speaking to Danika. "Really bad. We still don't know what it is that the Phoenix Movement is doing to these children, but whatever it is, they've taken it too far."

"How do you mean?" Harry asked curiously, frowning as he felt Nikki gripping his hand tightly; she wasn't normally this sensitive, not even since the attack.

"Leo and I think this victim was killed just after being given a job to do by the Phoenix Movement, but whether she actually carried out the job or not, we don't know. She's about 7 or 8, we reckon, and under normal circumstances I'd say that there was a limit to how dangerous a job a 7 year old could be given, but I think if there's one thing we do know about the Phoenix Movement, it's that they don't live by the moral values of the rest of us. God only knows what they might have tried to get her to do, but whatever it was, we know she didn't succeed- whoever killed her made that perfectly clear. There are a number of drugs still present in her system, so we've sent a sample of each off for analysis, but we're unlikely to hear anything until tomorrow. We have got a new lead though: there were a number of unusual plant traces on her clothing, like she'd been living somewhere outside, or not particularly undercover, at least, for a good few weeks. We've managed to track the plant traces to a small wasteland area- a few miles from Clifton Beach, where the body was found." She turned to look at Harry and Nikki then, a hopeful look in her eyes.

"Would you two be able to go down there with the police later, to check the area for any forensic evidence? I'd come with you, but Leo and I need to speak to another team of police about the result of the PM."

"No, don't worry, we'll be fine," Harry assured her, looking to Nikki who nodded slightly. She was probably conscious of the fact that her sobbing had only ceased a few minutes ago, and her voice was still likely to be shaky. "Tell them we'll be over there as soon as possible."

"Nikki?" Harry asked cautiously, taking his eyes off the road for a brief moment in order to check on his best friend. He had planned to use the drive to the site on which they believed the latest Phoenix victim had possibly been living before her death to continue the conversation he had been having with Nikki earlier, before they had been interrupted just as she was finally starting to talk. He'd got the impression that she'd been trying to tell him something, but he didn't have the faintest idea what it was. She'd said something about percentages; 4.7%, but what was that to do with? It didn't make any sense, but at the same time, he could tell that whatever it was, whatever 4.7% represented, it was causing her a tremendous amount of pain, more than he'd previously realized. How could he have missed it? Looking back, it was clear that even after the revelation of the rape, she still had seemed to be holding something major back from everyone, but Harry just hadn't noticed. He'd been so relieved that they finally knew what was wrong, so willing to accept the rape as the sole thing upsetting her if it meant that he knew what was wrong and could start helping her, that he'd completely missed the fact that there was still something else; something Nikki seemed determined to keep hidden. And his task now was to find out what it was.

But Nikki did not even seem to acknowledge him calling her name; she just continued to stare out of the car window, a lost, haunted and somehow dreading expression consuming her face, as if she was waiting for something to happen, something bad. 'It's just this case,' Harry tried to tell himself. 'It's just this case, she's worried about what we're going to find, because there doesn't seem to be a happy ending to this one.' But he wasn't convinced, not really. So he tried again.

"Nikki?" he asked again, slightly louder this time, and reached over to shake her arm slightly in order to get her attention.

She turned to look at him now. "Hmm?" she asked, still looking as though she was lost in another world.

"Nikki, you know what you were saying earlier, about percentages? What did you mean? What's 4.7% got to do with all this?"

A look of intense panic passed across Nikki's face. "Harry…" she sighed, curling up on her seat and glancing out of the window. "Harry we're here now," she said abruptly, gesturing to a cluster of police jeeps on the side of the dirt track they were driving down. "We'll have to talk about this later." And with that, she reached for the door handle and prepared to pull it open, but Harry, focused only on extracting the truth out of her and not thinking about what he was doing, hit down on the door lock, trapping her inside.

"No," he said firmly, grabbing her arm, intending only to shock her into sense, but triggering a silent panic attack in Nikki instead. This was how Bai's attack had started: he had locked her in. In her rational mind she knew that she was just being stupid, that Harry would never hurt her, but all rational thoughts had left her long ago.

"Nikki, we're staying here until you tell me what's wrong," Harry insisted again, and Nikki felt her whole world beginning to crumble. She had been so stupid. If only she hadn't mentioned the statistic earlier, she wouldn't be in this mess now. No, she had brought this on herself.

"Harry, let me out!" she pleaded with him, fighting for him to let go of her arm, attacking the door violently in a vain attempt to get it to open. "Harry…please! You're scaring me, it's like it was with him, Harry just let me out!"

Harry could have kicked himself. God, how could he have scared her like that, after everything she'd already been through? His hands shaking, he released his grip on Nikki's arm as if it was burning him, slamming his fist into the button to release the doors, beginning to panic himself. How on earth was she going to forgive him, after this?

Nikki looked at him for a moment, her chocolate brown eyes brimming with tears, reflecting the inner hurt she was experiencing. "Harry, I can't tell you, I just can't!" she screamed. "I can't, OK! And you know why? Because you'd hate me, if you knew the half of it! You'd never forgive me! And as for Leo and Janet, they'd never be able to look me in the eye again! So I can't tell you Harry, because if I did, I'd lose everyone! I'd be stuck on my own with it, I'd have to deal with this by myself forever, and I can't do that! I don't care if that makes me weak, if that makes me a bad person, because I just can't do it, OK! I just can't!"

And then she was off, jumping out of the car and running off into the distance, a storm of dirt kicked up behind her as her fled.

"Nikki!" Harry called desperately, moving to pull open the car door and chase after her. But Nikki had outsmarted him and locked him inside, and by the time he'd fiddled with the doors and unlocked them, he couldn't even see Nikki anymore.

"Nikki, I'm sorry!" he screamed into the wasteland valley, knowing in his heart she wouldn't hear him, but refusing to give up hope without trying first. "Nikki, please! Nikki!"

But it was no good. Nikki was gone; she had vanished into the South African plains, back into her roots and as far away from Harry as it was possible for her to get. He had lost her, in a matter of minutes. He had pushed her too hard, and now she was gone.

"Excuse me sir?" came a South African male's voice from behind him, and Harry turned to face him reluctantly; the Phoenix case was the last thing on his mind right now.

"Are you the British pathologist?" the man continued, studying Harry strangely, and it was only then that he realized there was a trail of thick tears running down his cheeks. "Sir? Is something wrong?"

"I've lost her," Harry whispered, burying his face in his hands, not caring what the policeman thought of him. "I've lost her."


	56. The truth at last

**This is quite possibly the most important chapter in the whole fic so far, but you're going to have to read it if you want to find out why :) And it's very, very, very long, compared to the last ones, anyway. Fanfiction is cooperating again (I hope) so now I can hopefully get this one up properly…. ;)**

**Thank you so much to gemS, thyqua, emmaJ1996, lizziginne, curleyhat and tigpop for the reviews, and to curleyhat, lizziginne and timelove for the chapie before that, as I couldn't read your reviews at the time! Please keep reviewing and let me know what you think of this one, as it's all getting pretty intense as of now! And I hope you enjoy it, even if it is a bit grave!**

**gemS- pm is a personal message, only members can send them though :( like your post mortem theory though ;)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 55**

**Truth at Last**

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

**-9.27am**

"Harry, calm down!" Leo tried; attempting to stop someone going into a full-blown over the phone was proving to be much harder than he had previously thought. "It's OK, we'll find her, I promise. Have you tried looking for her? She can't have gone far."

"But she has!" Harry protested, his voice beginning to sound hysterical. "The police have been looking for her too- we've more or less abandoned the search for the Phoenix clues for the time being. We've looked everywhere Leo; all around the area, but we can't find her! She could be lying hurt somewhere, or someone could have taken her, or she could be just too afraid to come back or…"

"Harry, hang on," Leo said slowly, not quite understanding. "What do you mean, she might be too afraid to come back? What's happened?"

He couldn't be certain, but Leo was sure he heard a slight sob come from the other end of the phone line.

"I was just trying to help her Leo, I didn't mean to hurt her," Harry whispered. "I was trying to get her to talk, she kept dropping hints but she wouldn't tell me what was wrong, and I just lost it with her…"

"Oh god, Harry," Leo groaned. "So what happened? What did you do?"

"We were still in the car," Harry explained shakily. "She mentioned something when we were talking earlier, something that I thought might be linked to whatever's still troubling her, but I never got the chance to get it out of her, so I brought it up again on the way over here. Nikki didn't want to talk about it; and the moment she started protesting we arrived and she said we'd have to talk about it later, but I knew she was just putting it off, so… oh Leo, how could I have been so stupid?"

"Harry, I'm sure whatever you did, you were only trying to help her," Leo said calmingly. "Come on, I'm not going to be cross, I promise. Just tell me what you did, and then I can help." It was like

Harry braced himself, not convinced that Leo would remain true to his word when he found out what had happened. "I locked her in," he explained, thoroughly ashamed of himself. "I locked her in the car, and I said I wasn't letting her out until she told me what was going on."

"Oh Harry!" Leo groaned. "Harry, what on earth were you thinking? I know we need her to open up, but that's not going to help, it's just going to make her feel threatened again."

"I know," Harry whispered. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't have done it, but I was just so determined to find out what was wrong that I stopped thinking rationally, and now she's run off and we can't find her anywhere!"

"OK, Harry, it's OK, calm down!" Leo sighed, wondering how he'd managed to get into this. He and Janet were adopting a baby from halfway across the world so they could have children, and yet he had 2 already, albeit grown-up ones.

"Harry, we'll find her, OK? Don't worry, we'll find her. Have you trying calling her?"

"Of course I have!" Harry snapped irritably, and then realized what he'd done. "Sorry. I've tried about 100 times; it just goes straight to voicemail. She's scared of me Leo, she doesn't want to talk to me because I scared her, big time."

"I'm sure she's not scared of you, she just needs some time to cool down," Leo said reassuringly, hoping Harry would believe him. "I'll try calling her on the way over, and I'll get Sara and Martha to try too, OK?"

"Oh, but they're going to kill me. We wouldn't be in this mess now if it wasn't for me, if I hadn't been so hard on her. And telling Martha that Nikki's gone missing because of me is going to be like telling it to her mum; she's never going to forgive me!

"Harry, they're not going to kill you. It was only a matter of time before she snapped and we all knew it, no one's going to blame you. Look I'll be over there as soon as I can. Keep looking and keep positive, yes?" Leo tried, knowing there was very little he could do until he could reach the wasteland. I'll get an ambulance over just in case, but I'm sure we won't need it. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Leo, there's one more thing."

"OK, I'm listening."

"The thing we were talking about- this morning when we had to stop and come to meet you and Sara, and again before… anyway, she said something about a percentage: 4.7%. She said '4.7%, that's all it was, maybe less.' I tried to get her to tell me what she meant, but that was when it happened, well, you know. Any ideas?"

Leo frowned. "Not off the top of my head, no. I'll get Danika or someone to look into it for me while Sara and I come to meet you, it could be important. I'll see you soon, OK?"

"Sara, we need to go," Leo said, determined, as he marched into the cutting room, his mobile phone pressed to his ear.

Sara Laurence looked up in surprise. She had long since finished dealing with the latest Phoenix victim, and now she had moved on to a new case, this time of a mid-20 year old with a nasty stab wound, found outside a club in inner Cape Town that morning. Normally she'd tell anyone disturbing her to buzz off and come back later, but there was a trace of panic in Leo's voice telling her that whatever it was that had happened, it was serious.

"Leo? What's happened?" she asked, watching as he swore and hung up his call. That wasn't like him. She didn't know Leo too well just yet, but she knew enough about his character to know that this behaviour wasn't typical. Something was definitely wrong.

Leo sighed. "We need to get down to the wasteland area, now. Nikki's gone missing."

**-9.27am**

The clamber down the rocks was much harder than Nikki remembered this kind of thing being as a child, but she put that down to being almost 6 months pregnant and at present lacking even a trace of rational thought. But she wanted to get away, so much so that she wasn't too bothered about what happened to her, not anymore. There was no way she was going to be able to keep this from Harry any longer, after her earlier outburst, and it was going to start to become obvious soon, anyway. 'God, why had she run?' she asked herself as she jumped down the steep ledge to the next boulder, landing neatly on her feet.

After leaving Harry, Nikki had run and run and run, keeping running right across the wasteland, through a patch of trees until she had reached a steep valley of rocks, leading down to a small patch of green at the bottom, shaded by an assortment of trees. Her every ounce of common sense was screaming at her that this was a bad, bad idea, that getting down there was going to be hard enough, never mind getting back up again. But Nikki had just wanted to disappear for a while, to vanish into the landscape and spend some time alone to think things through without being found by anyone, and the clearing at the bottom of the rocks had seemed like the perfect spot. So here she was, working her way down the mess of jagged rocks and boulders slowly, heading for the bottom. She was almost there now, with just under a metre left to go before her bare feet would reach the grassy ground at the base of the valley. She'd left her shoes at the top, knowing that high heels were hardly ideal footwear for skimming your way down a rock face.

But as Nikki looked down, trying to plan her last few moves before she reached the bottom, she found that the rock on which she was standing was the lowest one there was at this part of the decent, and she was left with nowhere to go. She had two options: either to give up and climb back up to the top, or brace herself and jump down the last metre to the valley. No, she decided, this was stupid. Harry would be worrying about her by now, if she hadn't scared him off with her earlier outburst. She should go back now and make up, tell him she was sorry, and then tell him the truth. She couldn't go on like this; it wasn't fair on anyone. So she turned around, preparing to clamber back up the rock face, but her foot met with a thick, slippery clump of moss clinging to the rock, and before she knew it, Nikki was falling.

Everything seemed to happen in slow motion, as if she were in a dream and any minute now she would wake up, this whole nightmare over for good. But it wasn't a nightmare. It was real, and Nikki was hauling forwards at an alarming rate, about to fall on her front. The baby. Oh god, the baby.

She just about managed to twist over before she slammed into the ground, but as she had turned onto her side during the fall, Nikki had ended up with her abdomen facing a thick, hard rock at the base of the slope, and bashed into it as she fell. There was a horrible crunch- not particularly loud, but to Nikki in that moment in the quiet of the clearing, it was the loudest sound in the world. And it was the most bizarre feeling. She had felt something crack within her, a sensation she would have associated with broken bones, but there was no pain. It didn't make sense. She'd broken plenty of bones in her time and she knew that sound, so why wasn't she in agony? It didn't make any sense.

Or at least, it didn't make any sense until Nikki registered where the sensation was coming from, and a fresh wave of panic passed through her; the strongest panic she could ever remember feeling in her life. It was in her stomach. The cracking sound had come from her stomach.

Ever since she had learned of its existence, Nikki could have honestly said that she had never felt anything in the way of love towards the baby; only resentment and overwhelming guilt at her lack of love and affection for it. But in that moment, it was all Nikki could think of; the only thing that mattered any more. Because even though she didn't want it, she didn't want to cause it any pain. Except that she just had, through her own stupid, selfish behaviour.

She couldn't muster up the willpower to move. Her whole mind had been overtaken with guilt until there was no space left for normal thoughts, only for fear- but for her baby, not for herself. She didn't care what happened to her; she'd made the decision to climb down into the valley, she'd got herself into this mess. But the baby hadn't had a choice. She'd put it in danger, and that wasn't fair. For now, at least, she was the poor thing's pathetic excuse for a mother, and she was supposed to protect it, not hurt it like this before it was even born.

'It's going to be fine,' she told herself desperately. If it had been still the first few months then the poor thing would be at risk, but it was nearly 6 months down the line. There would be enough amniotic fluid to protect it, it would be fine.

But it wasn't. Because now she had come to her senses a little, having gotten over the initial shock of the fall, Nikki could feel something digging sharply into her lower ribs, something that hadn't been there before. And she couldn't stand it, the reminder that part of Bai was still inside her, still clinging to her, she couldn't stand it.

She finally plucked up the courage to put her hand to her stomach, pressing down on the sore point under her ribs in an attempt to persuade the baby to move its hand, foot, whatever it was, but it wouldn't move, and if anything the pain intensified. She let out a soft, hopeless cry, running her hand across the skin until she was met with a visible lump protruding just below her belly button, as if something had been broken, or dislocated, or something equally horrible. Oh god, what had she done?

'Phone Harry!' Nikki's mind was screaming at her. 'He's nearby, you've just got to tell him where you are, and he can come and help. Phone Harry!'

But her mobile wasn't in her pocket, and as she looked around her frantically, Nikki found she could see it out the corner of her eye, a couple or metres across the clearing. It must have fallen out of her pocket when she had fallen. But that was fine. It was just a handful of metres away, she could cope with that. So Nikki began to sit up slowly, but she barely made it halfway into an upright position before another sharp, shooting pain shot through her stomach, similar to the ones she had been experiencing for months, only a hundred times more painful, and before she knew it she was screaming, loud, painful cries of despair, as she collapsed down onto the ground. Why hadn't she done something about it before when it had first started, before she'd gone and made everything ten times worse? Why had she never even thought about what it might be? Braxton hicks? Placental abruption? Even contractions, this time around? Or perhaps she was miscarrying? Oh god, that made her a murderer, didn't it, if she was miscarrying? She didn't know; she had no experience of a normal pregnancy- nothing to compare this to. But she did know that if the poor thing came out now, a foetus of just 23 weeks old in the middle of an African Plain, it wasn't going to last 5 minutes. So she had to fight to keep it inside her, if it was the last thing she did. She owed it that.

The pain was increasing by the minute, but there was nothing Nikki could do. She didn't know enough about what was happening to her to try and treat herself, and she couldn't reach her phone to call for help. There was only one option left, and she was almost certain it wasn't going to work, but she had to try. There was nothing left to lose.

"Harry!" Nikki screamed at the top of her voice, praying to god he could somehow hear her. "Harry! Harry, I'm sorry, I need you! Help me, please!"

But the only sound was that of her cries echoing through the valley; Harry couldn't hear her. No one was coming.

**-9.35am**

Leo snatched up his phone before it had barely let out its first ring, recognising the number to be the landline from Peppertree Mortuary, and expecting it to be Danika. He and Sara had left as soon as they possibly could, and Leo had phoned Martha in the car, who was going to meet them there. No one had yet been able to get hold of Nikki- her phone was out of signal range, according to her network- but they were all continuing to try, hoping by some miracle they'd be able to get through to her eventually. Leo had left Danika in charge of researching statistics connected to 4.7%, and was waiting for a report from her.

"Danika?" he asked, pressing the phone to his ear. "Have you got something?"

"I have," Danika confirmed. Her voice was shaking, Leo realized. Why was her voice shaking?

"It's taken me a while, but I think I've got something. Dr Alexander was raped in January, wasn't she?"

"That's right," Leo replied nervously. So it was something to do with Bai's attack.

"Look Leo, there's really no easy way to say this," Danika sighed, just as Leo flipped the phone onto loudspeaker, so now Sara could hear her too.

"But I've found a medical journal of rape statistics, by one of the most respected South African medical experts, and I've cross-checked it against other sources; they all agree," she explained. "There is a statistic to do with rape involving 4.7%." Then she paused. "Leo, are you driving?"

"No, I am," said Sara. "Come on Danika, just tell us."

"Sara, you might want to pull over," Danika warned.

"Hey, we're on the highway right now outside the remains of District Six, do you want us to get carjacked? " Sara complained. "Come on, it can't be that bad, we know most of what Nikki's been through already, don't we? How can anything be worse than that?"

"Easily, actually," Danika said weakly. "4.7% is the likelihood that an adult female becomes pregnant as a direct result of rape."

Later, when Leo had recovered from the shock, he would recall that had Danika waited a split second longer to tell them, Sara would have crashed the car into the corner of the motorway bridge.

**Sorry, but it had to be done :( Though once again, I promise this will have a happy ending, if you just stick with me through the angst. I was really trying to capture Nikki's feelings towards the baby in this one. Someone (I forget who, sorry), said in a review of one of Nikki's letters to the baby that they thought she must love it really, and that's exactly what I was trying to get across it this chapter, as well as the 'family' relationship between all the characters. Hope it worked out :)**


	57. Planning the escape

**I know, I know, I'm evil, but we do need to keep the Hong-hanh storyline ticking over :( BUT I promise to have the next chapter, going back to Harry and Nikki, up here tonight, providing fanfiction cooperates, maybe sooner if I can get enough revision done :) So enjoy this one for now, and you can find out what's happening with Nikki and the baby tonight… but this one might give you a few clues as to what happens to her in the future :)**

**Thank you so much to my reviewers: emmaJ1996, curlethat, thyqua (I tried to review yours but it didn't work, going to try again later), doctorwho-fanatic2010, tigpop and lizziginne, and anyone else who tried to review but couldn't love you all :) Please keep the reviewing going, it's the only thing getting me through revision!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 56**

**Planning the Escape**

**Year of the Rooster**

I don't think I ever doubted Bai, doubted his story that my mother had been mad, that she hadn't wanted me, not before I came to South Africa. He was the only parent I could remember, the only life I thought I'd ever had. I had no reason to believe that he was evil, pure, solid evil, right to the bone. All his strange habits, his overprotectiveness, the friends who would come and visit and make me do things I really, really didn't want to do: I never questioned it, not once. I thought that was how parents were.

I didn't think I remembered my mum, not until I visited St Bernadette's Churchyard earlier today. I thought she was wiped out of my memory forever. But then I saw the plaque to Joycelin Martha Rose Alexander, and I realized the last 3 years of my life had been a lie. Mum was never ill, not really. Bai was just evil, and I can't ever forgive him for that, even if he is my dad. That doesn't matter. I can remember Mum telling me once that I as good as had a dad back at home, that we didn't need Bai. So where is home?

Coming back to this house is only temporary, as far as I'm concerned. I'm not sticking around here for any longer than I have to, not now I know what Bai did to Mum. But I need to see Lan again, before I leave, for a number of reasons. She's the missing link, I'm sure of it, the only person who can help me find Mum. If she's even still alive.

The front door swings open as I approach it, and I can see Lan standing in the doorway, eying me closely. She trying to work out if I know. Well, I've got news for her. I know everything now.

"Celin?" she asks as I step through the doorway, her face etched with worry. "Celin, what's wrong?"

"That's not my name," I tell her, trying to keep the aggression out of my voice. She knew all along, and she waited until now to tell me. I could have been out of here days ago had she told me sooner.

"That's not my name," I repeat, staring her straight in the face. "That's my grandmother's name. My name's Joycelin, isn't it? That's why you keep calling me Celin, because you couldn't risk using my own name. I'm named after my grandmother."

Lan sighs, sinking down to the floor and slamming the door shut. I follow her lead, knowing she's about to tell me something.

"So you remember?" she says finally. I nod, and she copies. "How long have you known?"

"I remembered when I saw the plaque at my grandmother's grave," I explain. "But why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was scared!" Lan cries, like it's the most obvious thing in the whole world. "Because I didn't know if I could trust you to keep your mouth shut Joycelin, can't you see that? What if you'd gone running to Bai, demanding him to let you go? What would have happened to me then?"

"Hội chợ điểm," I admit. "Fair point."

Lan sighs again. "No Joycelin, it's not. I should have told you. I'm sorry, I know that doesn't make it OK, but I really am."

"No, it doesn't," I agree. "But there is something else that can."

Lan groans. "Why is something telling me I'm not going to like this?"

"I want to go back to Mum." There's no room for arguing, and she knows it. "And I'm sorry, but I don't care if it puts you in danger; you can always run away too. But you can't keep me here! Bai might be my dad, but he's evil, I don't want to stay with him! I want to go back to Mum, whether you like it or not!"

"Joycelin, calm down!" Lan laughs. "That's been the plan all along, believe it or not. I knew your mum Josi, before they took her away, and I can promise you this: she loves you more than anything else in the world, OK? More than anything. When they took her, I promised I'd look after you until I could find a way to get you home to her, but I couldn't keep the first part of that promise; before I knew it, Bai had disappeared off to Iran and you were gone with him. But I swear to god, I'm not going to break the last part of that promise, OK? I'm getting you back to her, if it's the last thing I do."

"So she's still alive? Bai didn't…" That's been my worst fear, ever since I remembered Mum; that Bai didn't just take her away, he killed her too. I didn't even know my mum had cared about me, that we'd been so close, before a couple of hours ago, but in those few hours, it seems as if the whole world has changed forever. Because now I know that I have someone who loves me, properly, not just because of what I could do for them, like Bai does. And having spent 3 years thinking this is all there is to life, I can't wait any longer to get away from here, to get back to Mum. If she's still alive.

"Of course she's still alive!" Lan exclaims, shocked. "You didn't think… oh god, you thought he'd killed her, didn't you? Bai loved your mum, Joycelin; I think that was the problem really. She couldn't love him back, not after everything he did to both of you, but he loved her too much to hurt her, so he had to let her go."

"But why didn't he let me go too? We didn't want to be separated, we fought him and Victor off, I remember! If Bai loved my mum, surely he'd want her to be happy? Surely he wouldn't take her own daughter from her?"

"Joycelin, you don't want me to answer that one. Trust me, you just don't. Look," she reaches into her pocket, pulling out the small black box she showed me a few days earlier.

"I'm going to sit down and think, and come up with a plan to get you out of here first thing tomorrow morning, OK? So you need to go and pack a bag, as little as possible, given the journey. But for now, that's for you. It was your mum's, I told you, remember? You take that upstairs with you, pack a bag, and I'll wake you at dawn tomorrow to get out of here, OK?" She holds the box out towards me, and I take it quickly, before turning around and heading up the stairs.

"And Joycelin?"

"Yes?" I stop and look back down the stairs at her.

"Your scar, the one… the one I gave you. It hasn't healed up, has it?"

I shake my head, still angry at her over that. "Why? Do you want to give me another one?"

"No! God, no! I can't explain, but you're going to be glad you have it, come tomorrow. Trust me."

I haven't got the strength left to argue with her, so I let that one go and head up the stairs, slamming the room shut when I reach my room and sitting down on the bed to prise the box open. Slowly, carefully, I lift out the thin golden chain and fasten it around my neck, twisting the gold con chuồn chuồn hanging from it between my fingers. It's all going to be alright now, I tell myself. I'm going home, back to Mum. I'm going back to Mum, and no one, not even Bai, can stop me.

The difficulty comes in knowing whether I believe it myself.


	58. Saviour

**Here's the next one, as promised :) Thanks to Emma for reviewing the last one, and for this one, you guys know the drill- let me know what you think :) **

**Hope you like,**

**Love Flossie xxxx**

**PS one last thing, the Chinese and translation at the end is from a Chinese song called 'the moon represents my heart', which is quite possibly the most beautiful song in the world :) I played it when I was about 9 on the violin, but I can't find the video, but there is a link to someone else playing it on the saxophone on my profile page, if you're interested, I think it sets the mood for this chapter :) Let me know xx**

**Chapter 57**

**Saviour**

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

**-10.10am**

Harry had now called Nikki's phone 236 times, left her 23 voicemail messages and sent her 19 texts. The phone bill when he got back home was going to be monstrous, but that was the least of his problems. Because he was yet to hear a word back from her, despite the pleading texts and voicemail messages.

The police had urged him to wait by the car, but Harry had insisted on going off to look for her, by himself. He was worried that the presence of the police would scare Nikki off, and thought maybe she would resurface if it was just him out there looking for her. She had to be somewhere, after all. He would find her; it just might take a while.

So now Harry was wondering through the wasteland, searching everywhere he could think of for her. Try as he might, he couldn't help but worrying something terrible had happened to her, and she was lying wounded in the middle of nowhere, unable to get to her mobile, or maybe even unaware that it was ringing. He refused to even think about the possibility that Bai might have found her and done something to her or stolen her away from him; he couldn't deal with that scenario right now. Nikki was fine, he told himself. She had to be.

"Nikki!" he shouted again, bellowing across the wasteland in the vain hope that she would hear his voice. His phone beeped loudly, complaining that it was almost out of battery, 2 minutes left to be precise, and Harry groaned in despair, knowing that once it ran out, he would be entirely dependent on calling her name if he was going to stand a chance of finding her. "Nikki, where are you?" But once again, there was no answer.

Then his phone began to ring, and Harry snatched it up quickly, not even bothering to look at the caller ID. He didn't need to; he had already convinced himself that it was Nikki, that she'd heard him shouting and now was calling him to let him know where she was.

"Nikki?" he asked breathlessly, a trace of relief in his voice that even he could hear.

"Sorry Harry, it's Leo. You still haven't found her then?"

"No," Harry sighed, his heart sinking steadily. "No, not yet."

"Keep looking, Sara and I are nearly here. I can't guarantee we'll find her Harry, you know that, but I can promise we'll all do our best, OK? We're not giving up on her, not yet. Listen, Sara and I got Danika to check that percentage for us, and we think we know what's wrong with Nikki."

"What?" Harry was suddenly alert, desperate to know. "Leo what-"

And then the phone cut off, and the battery went dead.

Harry cursed; cursed the stupid phone at its ridiculously short battery life, cursed huge open spaces, cursed Bai for hurting Nikki, for starting this whole nightmare, cursed himself for pushing Nikki too hard, for making her run off. He kept going until there was no one and nothing left to blame, then sighed and got to his feet. Holding the world responsible wasn't going to help anyone, and it certainly wouldn't help Nikki. He had to find her, even if that meant wandering around South Africa for the rest of the day, the week, the month, even the year, if that was what it took.

The baby was still alive. She could still feel it, but its movements were beginning to feel more and more distressed. How did she even know that, mother's intuition? Was it even possible to have mother's intuition concerning a child you didn't want?

It was safe to say that the pain was the worst she had ever experienced in her life, both physically and emotionally. Before, Nikki had thought that nothing could ever compare to the pain Bai had inflicted on her, but this, this was 10 times worse. Because the guilt was starting to become overwhelming, even though she knew the baby was still alive; it might not be for much longer.

The world was starting to spin now, and Nikki was beginning to feel light-headed. She knew that feeling, but it couldn't be that, could it? No… she reached down below the bump, an even stronger sense of panic setting in as she pulled her hand away, taking in the crimson stain covering the fingers of her left hand. What was she going to do now?

The lump- possibly a knee, she had concluded- was still stuck in the same position below her belly button, and the skin was beginning to swell slightly, but she didn't care about that anymore. She just wanted it out, alive and off to another, proper family, one that would want it, love it, care for it.

But it wasn't that straightforward anymore, she realized, as she shifted slightly, trying to get comfortable as another bolt of pain shot through her. Because she wasn't supposed to be feeling like this, not now. She'd made her mind up about this months ago; she wasn't keeping her baby, she was giving it up for adoption. Wait, 'her baby.' She'd just called it 'her' baby- not 'the' baby, hers. It was the first time she'd thought of it as hers, in the entirety of its existence. Oh god, why was she getting attached to it now?

'You can't do this, Nikki,' she told herself. 'You can't get attached. You haven't seen it yet, and the laws of genetics mean it's going to look like Bai, not you, not your mum, not anyone you love. And besides, you can't give it what it deserves, can you? If you keep it, it's going to grow up with no dad, no grandparents, no siblings, no family, nothing. You can't work the hours you do and bring up a child alone, it's just not possible. And suppose as it gets older it starts to remind you of him, what will you do then? You're going to be stuck with it for life if you keep it now, so you can't, OK? Stop being so selfish, and detach. You can't afford to start developing feelings for it, not now.'

"Nikki!" Harry bellowed, crossing the grass and stopping for a moment to take in his surroundings. He was standing beside a valley now, lined by a collage of rocks and boulders which formed a dangerous-looking pathway down to the bottom. There was a stream further over behind it; perhaps Nikki had crossed over that? So he headed towards it, but as he was going, something caught his eye, over by the rocks. He stopped and stared, then realized what it was and hurried over, bending down to pick up a pair of navy blue wedge heels, which had been left standing neatly on one of the smaller rocks. He must have seen them a hundred times, and he never had worked out how she managed to walk in them. They were Nikki's.

"Nikki?" he called again, getting desperate now. It looked like a hell of a long way down, and a dangerous one at that. Surely she wouldn't have been so stupid…

And then he heard it; a weak, helpless whimper, so quiet he had to strain to hear it, in a voice he'd recognise anywhere.

"Harry?"

"Nikki!" he called again, lying down and leaning over the edge of the rocks, and his heart stopped. He could see her now, just about, lying twisted on her back at the bottom of the pit, too far down for him to see if she was hurt. Following her down there was a bad, bad idea, he knew that, but he couldn't leave her. By the time he'd run back to the wasteland and found the paramedics and brought them here, it might be too late, and there was no way he was taking that risk.

"Nikki, it's OK, I'm coming!" he called down to her, dropping over the ledge onto the first rocky step, planning his next move. "I'm coming to get you, give me 2 minutes, OK? Just hold on a bit longer for me, I'm coming!"

"Harry! Harry, it's too late!" she screamed, the desperation in her voice just about shattering his heart into a thousand pieces.

"No it's not Nikki, don't even think that, OK? If you can scream, you can hang on for a bit longer!" He was close to the bottom now, having jumped down the rocks in what he was sure was record timing, had anyone else ever been crazy enough to try this before.

"I'm almost there Nikki, it's OK!"

"Harry, I'm bleeding!" she protested, and he could see her properly now, her chest rising and falling heavily with every breath she took.

"I know, but it's going to be OK, I'll sort you out as soon as I'm down there sweetheart, I promise!" Sweetheart? Since when had he called her that?

"No Harry… Harry, you don't understand! Harry, I nearly killed it, I might still have done!"

And then suddenly, as Harry jumped down off the final rock onto the grass of the clearing below and raced towards her, something clicked in his head, and in that moment, everything made horribly perfect sense. He was drawn back to a conversation he'd had with her a lifetime ago, back on the plane home from Hungary. 'Don't talk to me about bloody babies!' That's what she'd said, when he'd been winging about his and Anna's child being dead. God, how could he have been so blind? He began mentally counting back the weeks since that night in January as he sprinted towards her, grasping her hand in his as he threw himself to the ground. 23, he realized, 23 weeks. Oh god. Oh god, oh god, oh god. How the hell had no one noticed?

"Nikki?" he said softly, brushing her hair out of her face and taking in the bloody cut on the side of her head. She must have hit it when she fell, which meant that she needed to stay awake, at all costs. "Nikki, can you hear me sweetheart?"

No answer. And so he reached out, gently pushing up her top to expose her stomach, knowing all too well what he would find, but needing to see it in order for it to be real. It was small, much smaller than it should be at 23 weeks, but it was there, taunting him, showing him what a poor excuse of a friend he was when he hadn't even noticed this. There was a definite baby bump there, and something standing out through the skin below her belly button, a hand, a foot, a knee? There was no denying it; she was pregnant, he had missed it, and she'd just fallen down a valley of rocks.

"Oh god," he breathed, just as Nikki's eyes began to flutter. "Oh god."

你問我愛你有多深

我愛你有几分

我的情不移

我的愛不變

月亮代表我的心

_You ask me how deep my love is for you,_

_How much I really love you..._

_My affection does not waver,_

_My love will not change._

_The moon represents my heart._


	59. Added Complications

**3 chapters in a day! Aren't you lucky! I felt bad leaving you like I did last time, so I thought I'd give you another one to make up for it :) And because I found out today I got a distinction in my viola exam, so very HAPPY!**

**Thank you so much to gemS, Thyqua for your 2, Tigpop for your 2 (your second one showed up after I uploaded the last chapter), curleyhat, lizziginne and Emmaj1996 for your reviews, you have no idea how much they mean to me :) Please keep them coming!**

**One last thing, all the medical stuff in the next few chapters (and this one too) is real, most of it happened to my big sister last year (Adriana, for those of you who remember). She ended up having her baby delivered by my brother on a broken down train with my whole family there, though I can assure you I won't be putting Nikki through that! (not to say something else won't happen to her… you'll have to keep reading to see what I mean… **

**Hope you like, **

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 58**

**Complications**

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

**-10.34am**

"Nikki?" Harry asked again, gripping her hand as her eyes began to flutter open, swimming with tears as she looked up at him. "Oh Nikki, it's alright."

"You know," she realized, shaking her head as the tears began to flow. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Nikki you have nothing to be sorry for, not now, not ever. This isn't your fault. Now come on, you have to stay awake," Harry said frantically, trying to think of a solution, anything to keep her awake, ease the pain a little, stop the bleeding and keep the baby alive. It was almost too much to cope with all at once.

"I'm just going to sit you up, OK?" he decided, noticing a moss-covered rock behind her and hoping that being in an upright position would help her to remain conscious. "No- don't move!" he told her quickly, seeing her trying to prop herself up on her elbows. "Nikki, just stay still, I'll do it." The mere fact that she didn't try to protest could only be a bad sign.

He sat her up gently and shuffled her backwards, leaning her back against the mossy rocks and then sitting down beside her, squeezing her hand with one of his own and examining the wound on her head with the other. It didn't look too deep- in fact, he was much more worried about the baby- but he needed to be sure she was comfortable with the topic before he began examining that area.

"OK, I think it's just a surface wound, but you're going to have to stay awake just in case. Do you remember what happened? I take it you were climbing down the rocks, and you fell?"

Nikki nodded slightly, ashamed, a fresh bout of tears running down her cheeks. "I knew it was stupid, I don't know what I was thinking, I…"

"Nikki that doesn't matter anymore, it's OK," Harry sighed, knowing that if he hadn't pushed her too hard earlier, they wouldn't be in this situation now. "What happened when you fell?"

"My stomach hit into the rocks," she whispered, looking away from him. "And there was this horrible crunch, and…" she couldn't finish.

"OK," Harry said softly, his worst fears realized. He had always known she was accident prone, but this? He promised himself to never let her out of his sight again.

"Nikki I'm just going to check you over, to make sure the baby's alight. Is that OK?"

She paused for a moment, then nodded, squeezing her eyes shut as he lifted her top. He remembered very little about childbirth from medical school, but he did know that the chances of the baby- Nikki's baby, that was going to take some getting used to- surviving this if it came out now were practically 0.

"Have you felt it move since you fell?"

She nodded slightly, but Harry couldn't relax just yet. Even if the baby was still alive it was likely to be distressed, and the bleeding could only mean that either Nikki, the baby, or both of them were in danger.

"I'm just going to check you over," he repeated, placing his hands gently on either side of her stomach, waiting for her reaction before he went any further. She flinched slightly, but then seemed to relax, indicating to Harry that she was coping, that it was fine for him to proceed.

She was tiny for 23 weeks. Harry realized with a sickening feeling that she hadn't been eating properly for months; he and Leo had got past the point of encouraging her, as it hadn't been that bad, or so they had thought. But if she was pregnant… god, what had they done?

But it couldn't be just the eating. Harry could feel the shape of the baby through her skin before he even thought about pressing down to work out its position, far too pronounced for it to be normal, which triggered a new bout of panic and fear. Why could Nikki never do things by halves?

"Nikki? Nikki, look at me, this is important."

She opened her eyes and looked up at him, slightly delirious, judging by the look in her eyes. He supposed that was something to be grateful for; she was less likely to pick up on his panic.

"Nikki, at your last scan, did they say anything about your amniotic fluid levels?"

And then suddenly to Harry's horror, completely without warning, Nikki burst into tears.

"Nikki? Nikki what's wrong?"

"Harry, you're going to hate me!"

"No I'm not, I promise, just tell me what they said."

"But that's just it!" she sobbed. "They haven't said anything! They haven't said anything because you're the only person who knows about this, except for Naomi Silverlake, and she was the one who told me! I haven't been to any scans Harry, no scans, no doctors' appointments, no nothing! I just couldn't face it; seeing anyone about it would mean I'd have to admit to myself it was really happening, and I just couldn't face it Harry! And I know that makes me a bad mother, but I don't want it; I don't want to be its mother! I just want it out of me, I just want everything to go back to the way it was before, I-"

"Oh god, Nikki," Harry groaned, torn between hugging her and trying to make all the pain go away, or doing what he knew was the priority, and checking out the bleeding, then the baby again, to make sure his theory was correct.

"Nikki, listen to me. I don't hate you, promise, and we're going to talk about this in a minute, but I need to check…" he paused; this topic of conversation was rather awkward. "I need to check why you're bleeding, just to be sure you're not in labour, or anything like that, OK? I know that's probably the last place you want me to be looking, but I wouldn't ask if it wasn't completely necessary."

"OK."

"Good girl. I'll be as quick as I can."

There was a reasonable of blood, but not the horrific amount he'd been worried there would be, which meant she was most likely stable for now. Harry still didn't know what was causing the bleeding, but it seemed to have decreased considerably, and given there was nothing he could do in the middle of a South African plain, he figured there was no point in worrying, not just yet.

"Well your waters haven't broken, and you're not dilating," he told her encouragingly, pulling off his jacket and draping it over her legs in an attempt to preserve her dignity. "So the chances are, nothing's going to happen just yet. How are you feeling, you're not light-headed are you?"

"A bit," Nikki whispered. "Harry, what's wrong with the baby? You said it was fluid levels." It was a command, not a question.

That was typical Nikki, refusing to worry about herself. But Harry was surprised she hadn't noticed her severe lack of amniotic fluid herself; surely she must have learned about it at medical school, as he had done? But then she had been living in denial of this whole situation for months, she'd even endangered the both of them by not booking a hospital appointment, which showed just how mentally fragile she was right now. She hadn't noticed because she didn't want to notice.

"Nikki…" he sighed, running his hand gently over her stomach, just in case he'd got it wrong. But as he felt something shift under his hand, as strongly as if he'd been holding the baby himself he knew he was right and began mentally preparing himself to tell her, knowing that keeping things from Nikki rarely ever worked out.

"I think…" he stopped, his fingers brushing over the lump protruding from her stomach again. "Has that still not moved?" Surely that had to be painful, for both Nikki and the baby?

Nikki shook her head hysterically. "It hasn't moved since I fell. But it should be fine, it should be protected…" she trailed off, catching the look in Harry's eyes. "What is it? What aren't you telling me?"

"Nikki, I think you've got oligohydramnios," he told her gently, trying to ignore the sudden panic that appeared in her eyes as she recognised the term. "I think you've got about 2 centimetres of amniotic fluid, if that."

"You mean…" her breathing rate seemed to have doubled, her chest rising and falling frantically. "When I fell, there was nothing to protect it? So the crack I heard, that was… that was…"

"Nikki we don't know that," Harry tried to reassure her, knowing in his heart that it wasn't going to work. "And listen, the baby's definitely still moving, that's a good sign…"

"It's its knee," Nikki said suddenly. "It must be a knee; the foot's lodged under my ribs. Harry, it must be broken or dislocated or something, I've hurt it before it's even born!"

"Nikki, it was an accident," he sighed, pulling her into a hug. "We need to get you out of here, get you to hospital. Have you still got your phone?"

"Over there," she said weakly, pointing across the clearing. "I dropped it when I fell, and I couldn't…"

"OK, Nikki, it's OK. Right I'm going to get your phone, and call Leo and the others, let them know you're safe. There's a paramedic team back at the car already; Leo can send them over, and they'll get you to hospital."

"Don't tell them!" she pleaded. "Please, don't tell Leo!"

"Nikki, they're going to find out sooner or later! What are you going to do, keep it hidden away until its 18 and send it off into the world by itself?"

Her eyes widened. "I'm not keeping it!"

Harry sighed. "Look, we'll talk about this in a minute. We really need to get you seen to." He didn't want to be having this conversation with her, and not for any of the reasons one would expect. He didn't want to because he wasn't sure who she had been trying to convince- him or herself.


	60. Rescue

**Here's the next one. I am so sorry for all the problems everyone's been having, I put this one up yesterday evening but fanfiction gobbled it up! So I've sorted it out now I think; hopefully you can all read it this time. **

**Thank you so much to CQ for your review, I am so sorry for what you have been through, but I'm glad you feel the issue of rape is handled well through this story, thank you xxx Thank you also to tigpop, emmaJ1996, doctorwho-fanatic2010, curleyhat (fellow viola player!) and lizziginne, please keep the reviews coming!**

**This chapter is for Thyqua, whom I know was very frustrated with fanfiction holding back this chapter yesterday, and for putting up with my brother trying to fix it! Hope fanfiction cooperates when you get a chance to catch up! And to Lizziginne, tigpop and anyone else who has been teased, this one's for you :)**

**Enjoy, and please review!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 59**

**Rescue**

**Sunday 19th June 2011**

**-10.56am**

There were no words in the English language to describe the feeling that passed through Leo as his phone began to ring, and the caller ID told him it was Nikki. It was a mixture of relief, worry, pity and guilt, he realized, relief that she was finally making contact, worry that she was lying hurt in the middle of nowhere, pity because after everything she had been through, all the horrors, there was still something even worse, something permanent that was going to leave her hurt, whatever the outcome, and guilt because he hadn't noticed, because poor Nikki had been coping with this by herself for more than 5 months, and it must have been killing her. Since Cassie's death he had transferred much of his paternal feelings onto Nikki, his feelings of waning to protect his daughter from the world and all its evils included. But he had failed at that. He'd failed to protect her from Bai, he'd failed to notice that failure, and now he'd even failed to notice her pregnancy. How could he have possibly missed so much?

"Hello? Nikki?" he spoke into the phone, trying to keep the jumbled mix of emotions out of his voice.

"Leo, it's me." It was Harry's voice.

"Harry! Have you found her?"

"Yep, I'm with her now," Harry confirmed, and Leo let out a sigh of relief.

"Listen, Harry, about that thing I was going to tell you earlier, before the phone cut off…"

"Leo, tell me, just to be sure, but I think I already know."

He was about reply when he heard Nikki's voice in the background; weak, hurt and desperate. "He knows? Harry, you didn't tell me everyone already knows!"

"Nikki, not everyone, just us 3 and Sara," Leo called, hoping Nikki would hear him through the phone line. "Oh, and Danika. But that's only because…"

"Leo, I don't want everyone knowing!" Nikki was getting hysterical now. "You weren't supposed to know!"

"Nikki, we were going to find out at some point," Leo sighed. A baby wasn't exactly the easiest thing to hide, let alone keep from your closest friends.

"No, she's giving it up for adoption, apparently," Harry explained, a hint of despair in his voice. "Listen, we're going to talk about this later, but right now, we really need to get Nikki to hospital. Are the paramedics still there at your end?"

"Yep, they are, and they're tracking your call as we speak, so they'll be able to find you."

"Leo, getting us out might be difficult. We're down a kind of valley of rocks- it's a long story, Nikki fell- I'm not sure how they're going to get us out."

"They'll think of something, I'm sure," Leo reassured him. "How is she?" He added quietly, not wanting Nikki to hear.

"I think she's got oligohydramnios," was the reply from Harry. "And she's fallen on her stomach, onto a rock. She's alright for the moment, but we really need to get her to hospital."

It sounded bad, really bad, but Leo didn't want to let wither of them know that. The best thing for now was going to be to keep calm until they knew for certain what state both Nikki and the baby were in. It suddenly occurred to him that the woman he considered a daughter, his baby, was now having a baby of her own. Did that make him a granddad? No, he decided. He was only in his 50s, nowhere near old enough to be anyone's grandfather. And anyway, that would make his own child less than a year older than his grandchild, when he and Janet adopted their baby. No, he was definitely far too young to be a granddad.

"OK, I'll let the paramedics know what's wrong. Look after her, won't you? Someone will be with you as soon as possible, Harry, just hang on."

"We will," Harry promised. "See you soon." And then he heard the beep as Leo disconnected the phone line. They were on their own once more.

"Nikki, the paramedics are on their way over now," he told her gently. "You're going to be fine; you've just got to hang on for a bit longer."

"And what about the baby, Harry?" she asked, her eyes wide and her pupils dilated. It was probably shock; shock both at what had just happened and the injuries her body suddenly had to deal with, and at the realization, the admitting to herself that this was real, that she was pregnant, and now responsible for someone else. Harry knew very little about mental illness, but it didn't take a psychologist to work out that refusing to admit to yourself that you were pregnant for almost 6 months, hiding it from everyone around you and even avoiding doctors' appointments was a bad, bad sign.

"Harry, you're not answering me!" Nikki protested, dragging him away from his thoughts. She needed him to be focused, to be reassuring her that everything was going to be OK, even if he didn't see how it could be himself.

"Nikki, look at me."

She looked up at him, her eyes swimming with fresh tears. It occurred to him that she was showing rather a lot of concern for the baby's safety, given that she was still insisting she didn't want it.

"Nikki, I can't promise anything, you know that. I'm pretty sure you're going to be fine, but I can't promise anything about the baby- oh Nikki, I know, I know it's horrible," he soothed, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "But I can promise you, we are going to do everything possible to save it, OK? I promise."

She nodded slightly, shifting to rest her head on Harry's shoulder, but wincing and collapsing back onto the rock behind her again.

"Harry, it hurts."

"I know, I know. Nikki, where does it hurt?"

"It hurts bloody everywhere!" Nikki snapped, but then she seemed to calm down, her voice fading again. "Sorry."

"It's OK, you've got a lot to deal with," Harry told her, reaching for her wrist to take her pulse as he realized she was going cold and shaky, and cursing himself as he realized her heart was racing. So she was definitely in shock.

"Nikki, come on, you're doing so well," he encouraged, moving round in front of her to check her over again. "But you need to tell me what's hurting most so I can try and get you a bit more comfortable."

"Harry, she's not moving!" That had been Harry's worst fear, that this was going to happen before the paramedics could reach them.

"OK, Nikki, Nikki, listen to me, stay calm OK! It's alright, it's alright…" He was probing her stomach now, trying to persuade the baby to move. The severe lack of amniotic fluid would have left her used to feeling the baby constantly, so any lack of movement was going to freak her out, particularly under the present circumstances.

It wasn't responding, but he had to keep trying- Nikki would panic if he didn't keep trying. Harry was just beginning to panic when there was a slight flutter under his hand, though he was sure it felt like much more than a flutter to Nikki.

"Nikki, there! Nikki, can you feel that?"

She nodded slightly, her eyelids beginning to flutter. "Is she OK?"

"I think so, for the minute," he smiled faintly. "And anyway- 'she'?"

Nikki shrugged. "I can't keep saying 'it', can I?"

"Fair enough."

Harry could hear voices above them now, and looked up over rock face, seeing a team of medics arriving at the top.

"It's OK, they're here," he told her, allowing himself to relax just a little. "It's OK now. It's OK."


	61. Diagnosis

**I've got a kind of Sunset in SA production line going at the moment! This one's quite medically, as we finally find out what's wrong with Nikki and the baby. I've kind of used Martha's presence as a way of explaining everything for the non-doctors among us (me included:) , but if there's anything you still don't understand or any questions you think Harry/Leo/Martha/Sara/Nikki might want answering at this stage, let me know and I'll include them in the next chapter :)**

**Thank you again to everyone for your reviews- gemS, emma and lizziginne, and I hope you all enjoy this one…**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 60**

**Diagnosis**

**Sunday 19****th**** June 2011**

**-11.12am**

They wouldn't let him into the ambulance with her, despite both Harry's begging and Nikki's hysterical screaming. The paramedics had driven the ambulance right up to the edge of the rock face, and were lifting Nikki inside the moment they had managed to airlift her out of the valley. But they wouldn't let Harry in with her. They'd said she was a potentially complicated case and they were going to need as much space in the ambulance as possible, which meant no one else coming with them. So he'd had to leave her, promising to meet her at the hospital as soon as he could. It was all he could do for now.

He'd been left to walk back to Leo, Sara and Martha by himself, and as he emerged from the trees and saw them standing there by Sara's car, he was suddenly taken over by a wave of dread. He was going to have to recount the whole thing, to tell them what had happened, how Nikki was coping… he didn't want to go through it all over again, but he knew he had to.

"Harry!" Leo was running towards him, pulling him into a hug and leading him back towards the others. No words were said between them, no words were needed. Martha looked as if she'd seen a ghost; Harry guessed she must have only found out about the baby fairly recently. She would be blaming herself for not noticing, as Nikki had been staying with her the past week or so. But it wasn't her fault. It was no one's fault except Bai's, but that didn't make Harry feel any better.

"How is she?" Leo asked when they were back over with the others, climbing into Sara's car ready to travel across Cape Town to the hospital.

"She's…" Harry cut off, seeing the 3 pairs of anxious eyes watching him, and knowing he was going to have to go through with it now. "It was my fault. We had an argument, she went running off and fell down a rock face, and managed to bash her stomach into one of the rocks at the bottom…" He stopped, seeing Martha's hand flying to her mouth. "I thought she'd be alright, that she'd have enough fluid to protect the baby, but I examined her, and I think she's got an incredibly low amniotic fluid level, so the baby's probably been hurt in the fall."

"How far along is she?" Martha asked. "Is it… is it definitely his?"

"She's 23 weeks," Harry told her. "She's certain it's his, there's no question of that, apparently. She keeps saying she doesn't want to keep it, that she's going to give it up for adoption, but I don't think she's really thought about it. God, I don't think she'd even admitted to herself that she was pregnant before today. The look in her eyes when I found her… anyway, she was bleeding a bit when I got to her, but I think that more or less stabilized itself. I couldn't get out of her how much pain she was in though- she was more worried about the baby."

"She'll be alright though, won't she?" Martha asked panicked, glancing between the 3 doctors. "She's going to pull through?"

"Honestly?" Harry asked. "I think so, physically at least. But the baby, Martha, she's adamant she isn't keeping it and yet she was in such a state over it- and it's not looking good for it. I just know she's going to be blaming herself forever more if it doesn't survive."

The four of them were waiting at the hospital for over an hour before they were given any news whatsoever. Harry knew for certain he would never, ever complain about the NHS back home for as long as he lived again. Sara had managed to get Nikki admitted to a private hospital not far from Three Anchor Bay, calling in a favour from a friend who worked there and had somehow managed to negotiate down the cost, but even so, the NHS trumped it in terms of keeping friends and relatives informed as to what was happening. None of the several nurses Harry and Leo had managed to corner had any idea what was going on, though Martha's rather uncharacteristic decision to scream at them in Xhosa-Zulu couldn't have helped. So now they were playing the waiting game. The only thing they knew for certain, thanks to Harry, was that Nikki hadn't been showing any signs of labour before the paramedics arrived, but that could have changed in the couple of hours. Leo had been pacing up and down the waiting room to the point that Harry was surprised he hadn't made a hole and fallen through, and it was starting to make him feel a bit sick, though he didn't dare tell him so.

"Friends and relatives of Dr Nikki Alexander?"

"Yep, that's us!" Harry said quickly, not wanting to wait a moment longer. "Is she OK?"

The doctor standing in front of them paused for a moment. She was a tall, white woman, a similar age to Sara, with short brown hair and a strong accent, yet something about her was strangely reassuring.

"I'm Dr Groenewald," she told them, holding out her hand to Harry. "And you're her husband? Boyfriend?"

"No, just a friend," Harry told her blushing. "Can we see her?"

"We need to have a chat about Nikki's condition first," the doctor explained. "If you'd like to come through to my office, I'll explain everything there."

"So I gather you didn't even know Nikki was pregnant until this morning?" Dr Groenewald began when they reached her office. "That must have been a bit of a shock."

"Just a bit," Sara said impatiently. "So how's she doing?"

"It's difficult to know where to begin. I think you already know she's suffering from oligohydramnios- that's a low amniotic fluid level," she said, translating the medical term so that Martha could understand. "She's got about 1.5cm of fluid, which is much, much lower than we would expect at 23 weeks. The baby's looking small for dates too, so we have to assume that this has been an issue throughout the pregnancy. I believe Nikki didn't seek any medical attention in the UK, even routine scans, as she was in denial about the whole thing? Had she just been neglectful she might be facing a criminal charge, but as there is physical evidence to prove she was raped, no charges will be brought against her, provided she sees our hospital counsellor.

"Unfortunately, the low fluid levels do mean that when Nikki fell from the rocks the baby was injured. We've done a scan, and we think the baby's right knee is dislocated quite badly. It's difficult to determine just how bad the dislocation is while the baby is still in the uterus, so we'll have to take a closer look at that once she's born. It is a 'she', by the way," she said, seeing the look on Harry's face. "Nikki had us check when we did the scan. As it's incredibly rare for a baby's bone to be dislocated while still in the uterus there's no research on this and there isn't anything we can do, except hope the baby survives the trauma, and then we can try and reset the bone after birth.

"Anyway, the paramedics who brought Nikki in were concerned about some bleeding she'd had since the fall. She's not in labour, but we have spoken to Nikki, and she's very upset about this- apparently she's been having severe stomach pains for months, though it sounds like she's also been suffering from strong Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or something along those lines since the rape, and she's been too scared to face up to being pregnant and do something about it. Again, I've examined her, and she's got a placental abruption- her placenta's been breaking away gradually from her uterus wall for months, which is what we think has been causing the stomach pains. It's not completely detached yet, but there's a good chance it could go that way within the next week or so."

"And what happens it if detaches completely?" Martha asked, her voice shaking.

"Then, to put it bluntly, Nikki could lose so much blood that both she and the baby die," Dr Groenewald explained gravely. "Though we're not quite at that stage yet. We usually see placental abruption in women close to their due date, so standard procedure is to get the baby out as soon as possible, either by inducing labour or by caesarean section, but Nikki's only at 23 weeks. While it has been known for babies born at 23 weeks to survive, it's incredibly rare, and almost all of the survivors face severe disabilities later in life. This is going to sound harsh- Nikki says she wants to put the baby up for adoption when she's born, but finding parents willing to take on a baby born at 23 weeks is going to be practically impossible, given all the risks and issues that come with it.

"So what are the other options?" Leo asked, taking control of the situation. Sara was busy trying to console Martha, who had burst into a flood of tears, and Harry was staring into space. No one else was in any fit state to be asking the questions.

"Well, there's only really one other option, besides an emergency termination. Abortion is normally illegal in South Africa, but it is allowed in situations such as this, when the chances of the baby surviving are so slim. Nikki's dead against the very idea of terminating the pregnancy though, so the only thing we can do is leave her be for now and see what happens. We've got her on a blood drip to replace the blood she's already lost and the abruption has stopped entirely for the moment, but there's every chance it's going to start up again later. We're going to put off delivery for as long as possible, but if it gets to the point where the placenta's broken off so much that Nikki's in danger, we'll have no choice but to induce labour, and take it as it comes in terms of the baby's survival.

"As for now, we're starting Nikki on steroids to try and speed up the baby's development, her lungs particularly, to improve her chance of survival if and when we do have to rush into delivery, but that's more than likely under the circumstances. It does mean that Nikki's going to have to stay in hospital right up until the birth, but it's unlikely to be more than 7 weeks; it'll be a miracle if we manage to keep her going until 30 weeks.

"As for Nikki herself, she's actually come out of the fall quite badly, though she's so concerned about the baby you would never notice. She's cracked 3 of her ribs and dislocated her left ankle, which I've managed to reset without needing to operate. The cut to her head was just a surface wound, but she's still in rather a fragile state mentally, and there's little we can give her in terms of strong painkillers while she'd still pregnant. I also want to get her on a food drip as she's so underweight, though I'm meeting with quite a lot of resistance from Nikki on that one. I was hoping one of you would be able to talk her round.

"That's all I can tell you for now, I'm afraid. We do have some other concerns about the condition of the baby's kidneys and heart, but it's too early to say anything for certain. If we can delay delivery until around 30 weeks then there's every chance the baby will live a perfectly normal life, but again, we don't know anything for sure at this stage. We're going to need to carry out various tests on Nikki over the next few days, and I've made her an appointment with the hospital counsellor." Dr Groenewald stopped and stood up, making her way towards the door.

"You can see her now if you want, though I must warn you, she's been very upset. I'd prefer it if you go in one at a time, we don't want to overwhelm her."

"Harry, you go," Martha told him when they reached the door to Nikki's room, the group of them huddled outside nervously. "Go on, you go and see her first."

And so slowly, carefully, Harry pushed open the door, knowing he was going to have to stay strong, but terrified as to the state he might find Nikki in on the other side.


	62. Lacrima

**I'm churning these out today :) I'm feeling guilty about leaving you with no updates next week while I'm on holiday, so I'm trying to make up for it by giving you double this week. Though I might try and have numerous ones for reading next week as well… we'll see…**

**Big thank you to everyone who reviewed: tigpop, curleyhat, em, lizzi, and gemS, you guys know how much I love you :) please keep the reviews coming, and I'll try and get you another couple of chapters tomorrow, in between Spanish revision. I need to know you're still enjoying though…**

**Emma- I've tried to answer your question towards the end- everyone, let me know if you have any more queries! **

**Curleyhat- I agree, Nikki really does want the baby, but I'm afraid I'm going to spin this out a little longer (see below). But keep in mind, I promised you guys a happy ending, and a happy ending you will get! **

**Hope you like,**

**Love Flossiexxxx**

**Chapter 61**

**Lacrima**

**Sunday 19th June 2011**

**-12.56pm**

"Nikki?" Harry called softly round the door frame. "Nikki, it's me, it's Harry. Can I come in?"

She gave no verbal answer, just a small sound of acknowledgement which Harry took as a 'yes'. He slipped through the door and let it swing shut behind him, before making his way over to her. She was propped up in bed against a stack of pillows and dressed in a hospital gown with the blankets pulled tightly around her, a slight bulge visible around her rib cage which must have been a bandage. There was a collection of drip bags and tubes hanging beside her bed and an oxygen tube taped across her face that made his heart skip a beat; he'd known she was hysterical, but he hadn't realized it was that bad. Her eyes were red raw from crying and she looked exhausted, but there was still a shadow of Nikki there- his Nikki- and that gave Harry some hope.

"Hey," he whispered, moving to sit down in the chair next to her bed. Nikki was staring down at her knees, and didn't look up, not even when he reached out to take her hand, wincing as his fingers brushed over a tube sticking out of the back of her hand. "How are you feeling?"

She shrugged blankly; it was if all the life had been drained from within her. "I've been better."

"I'm sure you have," Harry sighed sympathetically, moving to perch on the edge of the bed so that he could wrap his arms around her, pulling her into a gentle hug, watching as she winced and bit down on her lip. She still wouldn't look at him.

"Does that hurt?"

"Only a bit," she said, though he could tell she was lying.

"Have they got you on anything for the pain? The doctor said it might be tricky coming up with anything safe for you to take."

"I think I'm on something, that's what this is," Nikki replied, waving her left hand at him. "Not sure what it is, though." She still wasn't looking at him.

"Harry, what am I going to do?" she asked desperately, suddenly turning to look at him, a bout of fresh tears leaking out of her eyes.

"Nikki, I don't know," Harry sighed, handing her a tissue from the box on the table next to him. "That's a decision you've got to make, no one else. I can help you make the choices you're going to have to make, but ultimately, you've got to make the call." He studied her face. "Any ideas?"

She thought for a moment. "I suppose. I'm not killing her, no matter what the doctors say. I've hurt her enough already, I'm not being the one who ends her life. But when she's born, I'm not keeping her. I don't want her."

"Nikki... Nikki, you've got time to think about this, you know. You don't have to make a decision like that now."

"But I'm not going to change my mind!" she protested. "I know I'm not going to feel any different about this when she's born! I'd sign the bloody papers now if they'd let me."

"What?" Harry exclaimed. He didn't know much about babies, it was true, and he knew even less about being a parent and a mother's feelings towards her child. But he did know Nikki, and he could tell by the very way she was talking about this, the way she was wrapping a curl around her finger as a distraction, the slight tip of her head whenever she claimed she didn't want it… he could tell that whatever she was thinking in her head, her heart was telling her different.

But Nikki seemed to have got the wrong message. "I know, can't you believe it? I told Dr Groenewald categorically that I wasn't going to change my mind, that I just wanted to sign over custody now and get it over with, but apparently I have to see her first, 'just to be sure'. But I already am sure, Harry! I don't want this baby!" She was crying properly now, full-on tears, but Harry wasn't convinced they were tears of resentment. There was something else there, something he wasn't used to seeing in Nikki, but he just couldn't work out what it was.

"Nikki, I'm sure she's just trying to make sure you come to the right decision," he said gently. "Listen, no one wants to make you do something you don't want to do, let alone keep the baby if… if you really don't want to. But Nikki, you're only 23 weeks into all this. You could have months left of being pregnant, and what happens if you change your mind, but you've already signed over custody? I know you've made your decision, and I know you don't think you're going to change your mind, but the doctors just want to be sure, OK? They don't want you doing anything you might regret."

She seemed to calm down for a moment, thinking. "OK, I see your point. But I'm not going to change my mind."

"I know, I know," Harry sighed. He wasn't convinced by her, but he didn't want to push her too far when she'd been through so much already. She was going to be stuck in this hospital for weeks, maybe even months; there would be plenty of time to push her then.

"Harry?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you think she's going to die?" The question was calm, controlled, asked as if Nikki had already prepared herself for the worst. Maybe she had.

"I don't know, Nikki," he said truthfully, figuring she deserved that. "I don't know. But I do know that she's an Alexander, and if she's anything like you, she's as stubborn as hell. Somehow I don't think she's going to give up easily."

She nodded, seemingly satisfied with his answer.

"Harry?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to, but I just…" And then she was off again, bursting into loud, out-of-control tears, and all Harry could do was pull her close carefully and tell her it didn't matter, that he'd forgiven her long ago, that she wasn't to blame for any of this. He might have known Nikki better than anyone else, but even he didn't realize the real reason behind her tears. Because they had never been tears of resentment aimed at the baby, not really. They were tears of grief. Grief at the thought of never knowing her own child, her own baby. Tears because of the pain she felt obliged to inflict upon herself.

"I don't understand," Martha Manduna told Doctor Groenewald as she sat outside Nikki's room, waiting for Harry to finish with her so she could go inside. "So what exactly is the problem with this olio-whatever-it-is? Why does she need it?"

"Oligohydramnios?" the doctor asked. "It's to do with Nikki's amniotic fluid levels. The amniotic fluid is the liquid inside the uterus during pregnancy. It does a number of jobs, but one of its main functions is to cushion the baby from trauma. In most women, we'd expect to see about 10-25cm of amniotic fluid at this stage, but Nikki's only got 1.5, which basically means that when she fell onto the rocks this morning, there was almost nothing there to protect the baby, hence the dislocated knee. Another concern we have is that the baby's kidneys aren't functioning as they should, because the amniotic fluid kick starts kidney function at around this point in pregnancy. And then there's the fact that if the mother gets ill, the fluid protects the baby from infection."

"So if Nikki gets ill, there's a chance the baby could too?"

Dr Groenewald nodded. "In theory, yes, that's why we need to keep an eye on everyone who visits, to make sure the baby isn't exposed to anything. Given everything that's already happened to the poor thing, Nikki getting ill could send her over the edge."

Meanwhile, outside in the hospital car park, Bai Lưu was walking up to the hospital entrance, pressing his mobile phone to his ear as he went. He had a friend who was a nurse up at the hospital, and right now, he needed that contact. He couldn't risk checking on Nikki himself in case she recognised him, but he needed information. He needed to know that the baby was still alive.

"How is she?" Sara asked Harry, pouncing on him the moment he stepped out of the door to Nikki's room.

"She's doing OK I guess, under the circumstances," Harry told her, trying to keep his own tears at bay, wondering when he had become so soppy. "She's very upset and she's blaming herself, but she's doing alright. She's asking for you all," he said, addressing the group as one. "Whoever's going in next, make sure you take a fresh box of tissues. I think we've used the old one up between us." And with that said, he ran off in the direction of the men's facilities in the vain hope that they wouldn't have noticed his usage of the word 'we' instead of 'she.'


	63. Dear Joy

**I didn't want you all getting too depressed, so I thought I'd try out a new concept :) It's basically Harry writing a letter to the baby… in what I hope is traditional Harry style, without ruining the mood. Let me know what you think, and they'll be a normal chapter up soon, along with more of these, if you want them :)**

**Thanks to timelove, tigpop, lizzi, em and gemS for the reviews, please keep them coming :) Love you all ;)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 62**

**Dear Joy**

**Monday 27****th**** June 2011**

**-8.17pm**

Dear Joy,

I'm afraid that's not your name, so don't get too attached to it. You haven't got a name yet, not a proper one. I've tried talking to your mummy about what your name is going to be, but she won't even think about it, because she wants your new mummy and daddy to choose you a name when they adopt you. But that's weeks and weeks away. I did consider writing this to Baby Jane Doe, but that sounded stupid, not to mention a bit morbid, so I thought I'd give you a name myself, just to tide you over until you get your real one. So for the next few weeks, you're Joy; Joy because that's what you're going to bring to whoever gets to be your mummy and daddy. Hope you like it.

Anyway, I'm rambling. This letter, and any of the others I happen to write over the next few weeks, is for you Joy. You see, in a few weeks' time, your life is going to go one of two ways. It all starts the day you're born. What's going to happen is this: you're going to be born; most likely a good 2 months early, and then you're probably going to be rushed straight off to a special baby unit, where babies who are born too early are looked after. Then your mummy- your birth mummy- is going to come and see you, and she might take one look at you and see you for the beautiful little angel you are and decide there's no way she's ever letting you out of her sight ever again, in which case these letters will be for you to read when you're a bit older, to show you how silly everyone was being in the lead up to your birth. But Joy, there's a chance that your mummy's going to decide that she can't look after you, in which case you're going to have to be very, very brave for a little while. Then someone will find a nice couple to adopt you, and you'll go off to live with your new mummy and daddy, and you'll be just as happy, I promise you that. If that happens, then these letters are here to give you a sense of what your birth family was like, so one day, when you're big and grown up, you'll know where you came from. And you'll know that somewhere, you've got a whole other family who love you unconditionally, even if you'll never know us.

It's just over a week since I first found out about you; a week and a day to be exact. So much has happened in that week. We didn't think you were going to make it at first; you were so tiny, so delicate and so traumatized from you and your mummy's accident that we thought your mummy was going to lose you. But you fought on, and you're doing a bit better now. You've still got a dislocated knee though- there isn't anything we can do about that until you're born. You can't move that knee and you've managed to get it stuck so that the foot belonging to that leg is stuck under your mummy's rib, and she's got a horrible bruise where your knee is sticking out at an angle. Nobody blames you though, it was an accident. I'm just trying to give you a feel of how out-of-the-ordinary your birth is going to be. I think you're going to be like your mummy, in the sense that you can't do things but halves. It's all or nothing with you two.

The doctors are saying that the situation with your knee is probably leaving you quite distressed, and that's why your heart rate is so high. I'm just glad you won't be able to remember any of this. I'm so proud of you, you know, that way you're fighting on like a little trooper. I'm not sure I'd have been able to do what you're doing now, when I was your age. Just in case you're wondering, that was a long, long time ago. Don't even ask how long, I'm not telling you. Don't laugh. It's not funny.

I suppose I should tell you a bit about your family, shouldn't I? Well, it's not exactly a family, not like your new one will be, but we get by. I'll tell you about your mummy today, and then we can do a new member of your birth family with each letter, sound good?

It's safe to say that your mummy is quite possibly the most amazing person I know, and definitely the best friend I have ever, ever had. I told her once that should she ever have children and they turned into her, then they would be very, very lucky, and I stand by that to this day. You're very, very lucky, Joy. Remember that, no matter what happens.

I'm not sure you're ever going to look much like your mummy; I think the laws of genetics are stacked against you on that one, but I'm going to describe her to you anyway. She's quite small, as I am constantly reminding her, and from what I can gather your father, whom we shall refer to as 'that horrible man who Joy shall never ever be like in a million years even if she tried', wasn't exactly a giant either, so I'm afraid I don't think you're ever going to be tall, but so what? I'm sure being short has its advantages.

I don't think you're ever going to be blonde either, but you might get your mummy's curls. And if you do, then under no circumstances are you to use those evil inventions otherwise known as hair straighteners on them, OK? I've always thought your mummy looks prettier with curly hair. (Not that she doesn't look beautiful with straight hair. But I didn't tell you that, OK? That's our secret.) You might get your mummy's eyes too; wide and chocolate brown, though she's said she hopes you get your Grandma Celin's eyes, her mum's eyes. Your Grandma Celin died long before I knew your mummy, but there's a picture of her on your mummy's desk, back at home (I'll tell you about where we work another time), and another one on the window sill in the hospital room. She's got the most beautiful deep blue eyes, kind of like sapphires. You'll be lucky there whichever way it goes.

She's the kindest person to walk the earth, your mummy. I can honestly say I've never met anyone so passionate, so caring, or anyone so tolerant of my jokes. She's the person I'm closest to by a mile, so on the off-chance you might get to stay with your birth mummy, we'll be seeing quite a lot of each other. She's one of those people with whom you can either talk about anything and everything for hours on end, or just sit quietly snuggled up to over a really bad movie, not words needed. You'd love her, Joy. You really would.

I'm worried about her at the moment though Joy, your mummy. I'm worried she's not getting better, she just seems to be getting worse. She was supposed to speak to the hospital counsellor last week but she had a panic attack the first time, a mini-placental abruption the second time (you can ask your mummy about those) and the third time your heart started beating so fast we were all worried you were going to give up on us, so all in all, it's been a bit of a disaster. We're going to try again tomorrow, so don't panic, OK? The counsellor's not a bad person Joy, she just wants to help you both. Trouble is, I'm not sure you and your mummy see it that way.

I'm going to have to go now, your Grandma Martha (I'll tell you about her next time) is calling me for dinner and it's late already, as we've been at the hospital with you and your mummy all day. So until next time, hang on in there, Joy. You're doing amazing. And look after your mummy for me, won't you?

Love Harry xx

PS. Do South Africans say Mummy or Mommy? I'm not sure. Will find out for you next time. Night.


	64. Counselling

**Here's the next one :) You all seemed to like the last chapter so there will be more of that style to come, but this one's a bit more serious; Nikki is finally made to speak to a counsellor… Thank you so much to everyone still reading and especially to curleyhat, gemS, Thyqua, Lizziginne, doctorwho-fanatic2010 and tigpop, thank you so much for your feedback!**

**GemS- I forgot to answer your question last time- the best thing to do is to type it into googletranslate, and you can hear it from there. As Dr Groenewald is South African it would be said in an Afrikaans accent, but google translate does English accents too :) I LOVE googletranslate, certain parts of this fic would be in Farsi or Cantonese or something else you wouldn't understand if it wasn't for googletranslate ;) Though I am proud to say I did all the Afrikaans and Vietnamese myself :)**

**I'm going to stop rambling now, enjoy this one, and please review!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 63**

**Counselling**

**Tuesday 28****th**** June 2011**

**-11.28am**

"Harry, I don't want to!"

Harry Cunningham sighed, knowing this one was going to be a battle, to say the least.

"Nikki, I know you don't want to, but it's only half an hour, OK? That's all you've got to do, and then that's it, you never have to talk to Dr Ashton ever again if you don't want to. Just 30 minutes Nikki, and then you're free; we'll all stop pestering you. Come on."

Nikki sighed, and Harry knew from the very tone of it he had finally won the battle, before she even opened her mouth.

"OK. But this is it. I'm not going back."

"I know," Harry said, playing along with her for now, but secretly hoping she would change her mind about that one. "I know, Nikki."

Dr Ashton was the hospital counsellor, whom Sara knew from her days at medical school (she was also Danika's cousin), and to say Nikki had been reluctant to see her would be putting it mildly. This was the 4th time they were trying to get her to talk, and Harry was determined to get Nikki to go through with the appointment, whatever it took.

"Nikki? Niks, this is Dr Ashton," came Sara's voice from the doorway. This was good. This was a step further than they had got on all the previous occasions.

"Come on, we should probably leave them to it," Sara whispered, pulling Harry from the room, with Leo and Martha following close behind. "She'll be alright." Harry just wished he could believe her.

"So where shall we start?" Dr Ashton asked, taking a seat next to Nikki's bed and smiling reassuringly; she knew this was all a long way out of her patient's comfort zone. Nikki just shrugged, but Dr Ashton had been expecting that. Sara had warned her that Nikki was fiercely stubborn at the best of times.

"Well, why don't we start with how you're feeling now? I gather the past week hasn't been easy for you, neither the past 6 months really, but I think particularly last week it all came to a head, didn't it? So how are you feeling, physically?"

"OK, I guess. Better than I was." She wasn't giving anything of substance away, and Dr Ashton knew it.

"And how do you feel now that everyone knows about the baby? Better? Worse?"

Nikki thought for a moment. "A bit of both, I suppose. Part of me is relieved that I don't have to try and hide it anymore, that I know the doctors are doing everything they can to help her, but then in some ways it makes everything much more complicated."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, everyone seems to think that I'm making a mistake in wanting to give the baby up for adoption. They don't mention it, but whenever the topic comes up, it's always 'well you don't know that's what you're going to do yet, Nikki,' or 'lots of women have doubts about becoming a mum before they see their baby, Nikki', or 'are you sure you've really thought this through?' Well I have! I know exactly what I'm doing, I know how I feel about this baby now, and I know that's not going to change, even when she's born. What more is there to think through?"

Dr Ashton sighed and studied her patient carefully, who was fiddling with the hem of her hospital gown. In some ways, Nikki was displaying every sign she would expect to see in a woman who didn't want her baby. Already Dr Ashton was getting the impression that she was happy to talk about the baby in the present tense, about what was happening to it _now, _but reluctant to even consider what would happen to it in the future, except to insist that it wouldn't be a future involving her. And yet there was something else in her behaviour, something that made Dr Ashton wonder if maybe, just maybe, Nikki wasn't quite telling the truth when she said she didn't want anything to do with the baby. She was much more concerned about her health and chances of survival than most mothers in her situation, for starters. After everything Nikki had already been through, Dr Ashton would have understood if she had been unconcerned about the baby altogether and desperate to get the last reminder of the rape out of her life for good. But she didn't get that impression from Nikki; she was referring to the baby as 'she' rather than 'it', for starters. And there was something in her tone when she spoke of the adoption… regret? Jealousy? Whatever it was, it wasn't typical. She was going to have to dig deeper.

"Professor Laurence- Sara- tells me this wasn't exactly a typical sexual attack, is that right? Apparently your attacker was also connected to a case you were working on for months back in London, and again as recently as last week when you came over here? And all this time, nobody knew about any of this?"

"What's your point?" Nikki was getting defensive now. As a pathologist she must have been intelligent; she had probably worked out where this was going.

"My point is that it must have been unbearable, trying to deal with it all by yourself. The attack itself happened in your home, didn't it? So you would have been surrounded by memories of the attack at home, surrounded by reminders at work, and with no one to talk to about any of this… I'm surprised you're still standing! It must have been a living hell, Nikki."

She shrugged again. "I dealt with it."

"But that's just the thing, I don't think you did," Dr Ashton told her gently. "I think you've been trying to deal with it, but you can't fully get over something like this unless you talk about it; how it makes you feel, not just the physical details of what happened. I know you have talked to a few people over the past couple of weeks Nikki, but from what I can gather you've only spoken about what happened physically, about the surface emotions that stopped you from telling anyone before. But Nikki, you can't go on like that. Listen, I know your friends and relatives-"

"Friends," Nikki interrupted. "No relatives. I haven't got any relatives worth thinking about."

Dr Ashton decided to let that one go for now, but made a mental note to come back to that topic again later. "OK then, just friends. Anyway, I know your friends are trying to convince you to reconsider your decision to give up the baby, but that's not my job. My job is just to help you come to terms with what's happened to you, and that may well mean touching on the subject of the baby. But I'm not judging you, and I'm not trying to make you change your mind. I've just here to help you get to the bottom of how you're feeling about everything that's happened, so you can be sure you're doing the right thing, that you're not going to regret this later. So let's go back to the rape itself. If you had to sum up the way you feel now, right this moment, in one word, which word would you use?"

Nikki thought for a moment, her face a mixture of pain and confusion.

"Contaminated," she said finally.

"Contaminated?" Dr Ashton repeated surprised. "OK. That's a start, some people can't even think of a word. So why contaminated?"

"You're the shrink, you tell me."

"Oh, I've got an idea. But I want to hear it from you, first. So why?"

"Because…because…" Nikki cut off. The heart rate monitor by the side of the bed showed that her heart rate was steadily increasing, dragging the baby's up with it, and her eyes were beginning to water.

"I don't want to do this anymore," she said shakily. "Please, I… I don't want to!"

"It's alright, Nikki, deep breaths," Dr Ashton said calmly; this was hardly new territory for her. "I'm just going to get someone for you, OK? Harry? Shall I get Harry?" Sara had mentioned that Nikki and Harry were very close.

Nikki just nodded slightly, looking down at the floor.

"Harry?" Dr Ashton asked, peering round the door. Harry was sat in the corner of the waiting area outside, his nose buried in a book. "Can you just come in a minute?"

"Is she alright?" Harry asked anxiously, dropping the book into the coffee table.

"She's fine, she's just a bit upset, I think you might be the best person to calm her down."

Harry didn't need to be told twice.


	65. Faith

**I can't believe how long this fic is turning out :) but even more so I can't believe that so many of you are still reading this, so thank you, and a particularly big thank you to tigpop, timelove, emmaJ1996, thyqua, curleyhat, gemS and lizziginne, I honestly couldn't do this without your reviews :) Thyqua, I know what you mean about wanting to live in SW land, I do too. The big question is though, who would you be? Normally I would say Nikki, but I wouldn't want to go through what she did, and I wouldn't want to feel as helpless as Harry does… I think I'm my own worst enemy!**

**Here's the plan for the next few chapters: not much is going to happen between now and the baby being born, so I'm going to write a few Dear Joy letters (have you worked out how Joycelin got her name yet btw?) and then we should be at the birth… you'll have to wait and see what happens…**

**Enjoy, and there's another Dear Joy letter coming your way tomorrow…**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 64**

**Faith**

**Tuesday 28****th**** June 2011**

**-11.56am**

Nikki didn't understand what was happening to her. She knew she hadn't been herself for months, not properly, but she had always been just about capable of functioning, of holding herself together. But now… now she was just a wreck. Her whole life she'd been so independent, partly down to nature, partly out of choice, as the loss of her mother as a child and her dealings with her father as she grew older had left her scarred to a certain extent, and reluctant to place too much trust in others. But now, she found herself clinging to Harry as if her life depended on him never leaving her side again, thick, salty tears running down her cheeks as she tried desperately to pinpoint when she had become so emotional.

"Sorry," she whispered to Harry, sitting up slowly but still managing to aggravate her ribs, or her stomach, or whatever- she was past the point of caring where the pain was coming from, providing it wasn't something which could hurt the baby. "I don't know what's got into me lately."

"You don't?" Harry said, surprised, as he handed her a tissue and proceeded to stroke her hair as she wiped her eyes. "I do."

She looked at him, confused. "What?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it? Pregnancy hormones…. Oh, god Nikki, I'm sorry, I've put my foot in it again, haven't I?" It took Nikki a moment to work out why he was apologising; a fresh round of tears were falling down her cheeks, for reasons even she didn't understand. Poor Harry must have thought he'd caused them.

"No, Harry it wasn't you, it's just…"

"You haven't ever thought about that before, have you Nikki?" Dr Ashton said gently, butting in. "You've never thought about the impact this pregnancy's having on your body, your life, only about how you desperately want to keep it alive, but don't want to keep it yourself."

Nikki shook her head. "No, I suppose not. I just… I just want all this to be over. I just want everything to go back to the way it was before, before Bai, before the baby, before all of this! That's all I want!"

"And you think that by giving up the baby, things are going to go back to normal?"

"Well, no," Nikki backtracked. "But if I keep her, it's just going to be one more change in my life, and I don't want that. I didn't choose for any of this to happen, it was all dictated for me by _him, _and he's old enough to be the poor baby's grandfather! So what am I supposed to tell her when she gets older, when she asks where her dad is, why she looks nothing like me, because she won't, will she? I can't do it, I just can't! I can't be her mother. I don't want to be a mother, full stop."

She refused to look at Harry as she said that last part. She knew he could tell when she was lying and she doubted he was going to buy that one, but she had to try. The truth was far too difficult to explain.

"Nikki, are you sure?" Harry was asking her, and she found herself numbly nodding her head, as if in a trance. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Of course I'm bloody sure Harry, how many times do I have to tell you! Sorry," she whispered, realizing she'd lost control again. "I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm sorry."

"That's alright," Harry told her softly, pulling her close again. "It's alright; I know how hard this must be for you. It's alright."

"You don't have to commit to anything now, anyway," Dr Ashton reminded them both. "The law dictates that you have to see the baby before you make the ultimate decision to give her up and even then you'll have to wait a week before you can sever parental rights, though as I've already said, this is something you need to decide Nikki, by yourself. Now, you said you're scared the baby's going to look like the rapist, and that you're going to be reminded of him every time you look at her. You don't know that for certain though, do you?"

"I as good as do," Nikki sighed. "The man who… who…"

"Nikki come on, say it. You need to get used to saying it, it's part of the healing process."

"OK," she said, shaking in Harry's embrace. "The man who… the man who raped me, he's oriental. The laws of genetics dictate that his characteristics are most likely going to be dominant over mine, so she's going to take after him. And I don't know if I can cope with that, if she looks like him. It's just going to be a constant reminder."

"OK," Dr Ashton said softly. "OK." She still wasn't convinced by her patient's words, but she wanted to let the subject of the baby go for now. Nikki was going to have to make up her own mind about the baby, but unless she was mentally healthy, then she wouldn't be able to make the right decision.

"Listen Harry, before you joined us, I asked Nikki to sum up how she's feeling right now in a single word. The word she chose was 'contaminated'. Nikki, what do you mean?"

She could feel the baby squirming slightly inside her, as if to try and protest against her calling her a contamination, an unwanted inconvenience. Before she was even aware of what she was doing, she was rubbing against the spot, trying to calm her down. It occurred to her it was the first time she'd done that, throughout the entire pregnancy. It was the first time she hadn't been repulsed by the poor thing's movements, the first time she hadn't ignored it, or tried to get her to stop. She was getting attached. And that was the one thing she couldn't do.

Harry must have picked up on her distress. "Nikki, it's OK," he whispered. "Come on, you'll feel better for telling us. It's OK."

"I just feel so dirty," she confessed. "And I see people looking at me, and… and it feels like they know somehow, that they're looking at me and judging me, and they think it's my fault, and I thought it was getting better, but it just seems to be getting worse and worse, and I can't live like this! I can't… I can't…"

She cried herself to the point of exhaustion in the end. The moment Harry laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers up around her she was out like a light, her breathing slowly returning to normal as she relaxed into a peaceful sleep.

"She'll be alright," Dr Ashton whispered as she and Harry left the room, closing the door carefully behind them, knowing that for now, Nikki just needed to sleep, undisturbed. "She's starting to go through the motions of the road to recovery now; we'll get her through this. But she's going to need you Harry, it's clear you mean a lot to her. I don't know what she's going to decide about the baby, but whatever it is; she's going to need you to be there for her. She's going to need you all," she said, addressing the room of them now.

"And we'll be here," Leo promised. "Harry, I've spoken with the home office and explained the situation, and they've agreed to 'transfer' us to Sara's work until Nikki's had the baby, so we won't have to leave her alone. Janet's going to fly out as soon as she can- she's got a few cases she needs to tie up and there's one last assessment we need to get done before we can apply for a visa to Vietnam to adopt the baby, but then she'll be over here too, we'll all be together. It's going to be OK, Harry, I promise. It's all going to be OK."


	66. Dear Joy II

**Here's the next one :) and here's my proposition for the next week:**

**I'm going on holiday tomorrow, and I'm not going to be able to post anything while I'm away. I've got another 2 'Dear Joy' chapters typed up and ready for you and a third chapter nearly done, and I might have a 4****th**** one ready for you as well, we'll see. :) So I'm giving you this one now, maybe one tomorrow afternoon (it depends if I manage to finish the 4****th**** chapter or not) and tomorrow evening I will upload a minimum of 3 chapters to see you through next week. I get back next Sunday, so there will hopefully be a new chapter up then for you all :) So either you can read one every 2 days or so, or you can read them all in one go, it's up to you. **

**Thank you to tigpop, curleyhat, thyqua, gem.S, emmaJ1996, and lizziginne as ever for your reviews, and my story stats page is playing up at the moment, so the only way I know if anyone else is still reading this is if you review! **

**Please let me know what you think of this one guys, I love writing the dear Joy chapters but I'm not convinced I've got Harry's character quite right… let me know! Your opinion counts!**

**Enjoy,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 65**

**Dear Joy II**

**Friday 1****st**** June 2011**

**4.26pm**

Dear Joy,

I'm writing this in the hospital waiting room. I should be at work, but your Auntie Sara, Leo (not sure if he's granddad or Uncle yet), Janet (again, either Grandma or Auntie), Martha (another Grandma/Auntie, I don't like to ask), and I are all bunking off, because your mummy's having another placental abruption. You're 25 weeks old now but you're still tiny and vulnerable, so we really need you to hang on in there for a bit longer. You're not ready to face the world just yet.

So much has happened since the last letter I wrote you. For starters, you've got a middle name. Nikki- your mummy- originally said that she wasn't going to give you a name at all, but she told me a couple of days ago that she was going to give you a middle name. She then said something about wanting to make sure you don't end up with an unpronounceable monstrosity for a middle name, at which point I realized that I've never actually been told what hers is. She knows mine. So nagged her, but refused to tell me. Have asked Leo and Auntie Sara, given they've both been her bosses over the years (again, I'll tell you about work later), and must have seen it written down somewhere, but they can't remember. At least, they _claim_ not to remember. So asked Martha, but she says she didn't even know if 'Nikki' was short for Nicola or Nicole until this whole saga began and she ended up in hospital (the nurses keep calling your mummy 'Nicola', because that's what it says on all the official papers. The look on your mummy's face when they do that is priceless). So am going to have to keep digging, and will report back to you when find out. I've practically got a Joy's birth family investigation going on, so you'll be able to read these letters and know where you came from. You'd better be grateful.

But anyway, I was telling you about _your_ middle name. This is going to be 'Rose', apparently. I think it's a beautiful name, and it'll suit you, I'm sure. Though I don't think 'Joy Rose', really works, do you? It sounds a bit stunted. Oh well, I did warn you that 'Joy' probably wasn't going to last.

Another bit of big news: Leo and Janet are adopting a baby! Well we knew that already, but they got their visa to travel to Vietnam and pick him up this morning, so they're very excited. They're not going until November, but still, it's all so exciting. He- their baby- is 4 months old now, so he could be anywhere between 4 and 8 months older than you, depending on when you make your appearance. He has a name now; Leo and Janet are calling him Jasper. Jasper Nicholas Nhung Dalton. Nicholas after your mummy, and apparently the next one's going to be named after me (!). I'm assuming 'Jasper' isn't after the Twilight character though. I didn't have Leo and Janet down as vampire fans.

Anyway, I'm hoping this is going to make your mummy think again about giving you up. She's been saying she's worried you'll look different, that you'll feel out of place and she'll see too much of _him _in you, but you're just going to look like Jasper, with a bit of her mixed in, if we're lucky. Joy and Jasper. Jasper and Joy. I think it works. All along, your mummy's been saying she doesn't want to be a parent, but the look on her face when she saw Jasper's referral picture… I don't believe that for a second. I don't know what it is she's so scared of, but I'm going to find out Joy, I promise. But if I don't, then I also promise you'll be perfectly happy with your new family. Perfectly happy.

I have to confess, I've failed to find out whether your mummy is 'mum' or 'mom.' I've asked Martha, but apparently it could be either; South African spelling is the same as British rather than American, but the word 'mum' can go either way. Martha says she can only ever remember your mummy talking to your Grandma Celin in Afrikaans, in which case it would be 'Mamma.' I didn't even know she spoke Afrikaans. I guess there's a lot I don't know. She says there might be a way of finding out without asking your mummy though, so I'll get back to you on that one. Not sure what it is though… we'll have to wait and see.

I've got to go now; the doctors want to speak to me about you and your mummy, and after that I have an appointment with the pair of you and a 'Waking the Dead' Box set. It's a bit of a squash for the 2 of us (and you, but you're still so tiny that your mummy's not even in maternity clothes, so you don't take up much room), but we make it work. We have to; there's no other way of the two of us having a cuddle together over the DVD, because hospital rooms don't come with sofas, and your mummy needs that right now. I need it too really, to know she's still here, she's still coping. She's still just a shadow of the person she was, Joy. And it worries me, just like you worry me, more than you'll ever know.

You're still hanging on, aren't you Joy? Please tell me you're still hanging on.

Until next time,

Love Harry xxx

PS. Good girl. You _are_ still hanging on, after everything you've faced. Your mummy's lost a lot of blood and even more amniotic fluid so you're going to be pretty cramped from here on in, but keep at it, won't you? You've managed to get your knee stuck at a nasty angle and we think you're probably in pain, but this'll all be over before you know it Joy, promise. Just stay strong for a bit longer. You can do it. I know you can.


	67. Pain

**OK, here's the next one, and I'll be uploading another 3 or 4 for you later, to tide you over next week. So enjoy this one for now, and then they'll be more later today, which you can either read then or wait until later. :)**

**Thank you as ever to everyone who reviewed- tigpop, thyqua, lizziginne, timelove, gemS, and emmaJ1996- love you all and thank you! And you will keep reviewing while I'm away, won't you? I don't want to come home and find everyone's lost interest! :(**

**Enjoy, and they'll be more this evening/whenever you want it (and there's something quite dramatic coming up soon, just to let you know…**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**PS. gemS, I don't know what Harry's middle name is… I made Nikki's up :) Though not entirely, it is Dutch, so possible considering her mother was South African. Edward maybe, after his father? ;)**

**Chapter 66**

**Pain**

**Monday 4****th**** July 2011**

**-4.53pm**

Nikki didn't think she'd ever been so bored in all her life. It was late afternoon, and Harry, Leo, Sara, Martha and Janet were all at work, while she was cooped up in the same small room day after day, with little to entertain herself with until they all arrived to visit later that evening. It had been her routine of the past 2 weeks; sitting around waiting for company, and she was starting to get rather sick of the whole thing. The only thing that kept her going was the picture tucked safely under her pillow, a sonogram picture of the baby. It was under her pillow because she didn't want anyone to know she cherished it so much, out of fear that they'd start trying to talk her out of the adoption again. She was starting to feel guiltier and guiltier about that, especially now Leo and Janet were both here together, proudly showing off their picture of their new son to anyone who would listen. They had waited so long and fought so hard to have a child, and yet here she was, ready to give her child away as soon as physically possible.

"But it's not like I don't love you," she told the baby, whilst lightly caressing the bump, stopping as her fingers caught against the small knee protruding through the skin and sighed. "It's the opposite. If anything, I'm letting you go because I love you too much; you know that, don't you?"

But the baby shifted away from her hands, as if to say 'no Mum, I don't get it. I don't get it at all." She sighed, taking her hands away, leaning back against the pillows and checking the time. It was almost 5; hopefully Martha would be here soon, and Harry and the others shouldn't be far behind her. She was fed up of being alone.

The further she got along this road, the road towards the baby's birth, the more she realized that life was never going to be the same again, not really. Nikki had planned the events which would take place after the birth with military precision, knowing that a strict plan was going to be needed in order to keep her from changing her mind. She would wait until the day after the birth to go and see her daughter, so she would have time to psyche herself up. She would spend that day replaying the dreaded night over and over in her head, reminding herself of what Bai had done, on the off-chance that it would make the next part a bit easier. Because the next day, she was going to have to go and visit the neonatal ward, look her little girl in the eye and tell the registrar she didn't want her. Then she would go back to her room, staying there, numb, until the doctors discharged her. She would remain there until the end of the week, when she would sign the form, giving up her rights as a parent to her own daughter. And then she would book the next seats possible on a plane back to London, and she and the others would leave. Leo and Janet would never look at her in the same way again and as for Harry, her dreams of them having a life together would fade into nothingness, as he believed her to be the heartless monster she had made herself out to be. But her little girl would be safe, with a proper, functioning family she deserved. And that was all that mattered.

"Niks, sorry I'm late, the traffic was horrendous Malaika, I left work an hour early, can you believe it? And I tell you, if Mr Ellison complains once more about my refusing to do overtime…" Martha stopped, looking down at Nikki's face. "Niks? What's wrong, angel?"

"Nothing," she lied quickly, brushing away the tears. "Nothing, I'm fine I… I just want this all to be over, that's all. I'm sick of it."

"I know, Niks, I know," Martha sighed sympathetically, perching on the edge of the bed. "But you know what? You are being so brave Nikki, so brave. Just a few more weeks and it'll all be over, you can start getting back to normal, OK? I promise. So how's madam, then?" she asked, placing her hand gently on the bump. Maybe it was just Nikki's imagination, but the baby always seemed to respond better to the touch of other people. It was as if she _knew_ somehow, as if she knew Nikki to be unfit for purpose, And no matter many times she tried to convince herself otherwise, that thought away managed to come back to haunt her.

And so Nikki just shrugged, trying to act as if she didn't care. "She's OK, I guess. She hasn't got much room to move, but she's OK."

"That's good. Have the doctors said anything more about the knee situation?"

"A little. They've said that they want to rush her off as soon as she's born, and try to reset it by hand. If that doesn't work then they'll have to splint it, then operate on her when she's a couple of weeks old."

"And you're OK with that?" Martha asked carefully.

"I suppose. I mean, it's not like I'm planning on having her in with me, is it? I'm not even going to know she's gone."

"I guess. Niks, listen, you know you can talk to me about anything, don't you, malaika? Anything at all."

Nikki nodded. "Yep, I know. But thanks."

'Not everything though', she thought to herself sadly. 'I can't talk to you about this Martha, not since you lost Albert. You'd never forgive me, I don't think you really understand why I'm doing this as it is, do you Martha? But that's the thing. Sometimes, I don't understand why I'm doing this either.'

"Martha?"

"Yes, darling?"

"Do you think my mother would approve of all this? Do you think she'd think I was making the right decision?"

Martha thought for a moment. "Niks, all your mamma ever wanted was for you to be happy, to do what was best for you, you know that. So as long as you think you're doing the best thing, the thing that'll help you be happy again, then yes. I think she'd approve. Happy?"

'But I'm not doing what'll make _me _happy,' she thought to herself. 'I'm sentencing myself to a life of misery. But if that's what I have to do for the baby, then that's what I have to do. And surely Mum would be OK with that, if it was the best for her granddaughter. Surely she'd understand.'

But she had to stay strong, just to convince everyone that she was happy with her decision.

"Yep, I am," she replied at last faking a smile that she hoped Martha wasn't going to see right through. "Yes, I'm happy. It's for the best."

But as the baby shifted again, filling her with a wave of emotion she hadn't really experienced towards it before, her heart began to ache, and she found herself praying she would have the strength to let the baby go. Because right now, she wasn't sure she would.


	68. Dear Joy III

**OK, this is my penultimate post before I leave you guys :( I'm putting up 2 more Dear oy chapters now, and another normal chapter, then in an hour or so I will put up a forth chapter, when I've finished it :) Big hugs to gemS, emmaj1996 (decorate the cakes? Watch silent witness? Read more Sunset in SA? Write me an extra-long review? :) Do some work on your upcoming fic, which I am VERY excited about?), lizzi, thyqua and tigpop, thank you so much for all your amazing messages, and please keep the reviews coming while I'm away :)**

**Thanks everyone, and I hope you like these chapters :) And gemS, I'm afraid I am going to leave you on a bit of a cliffie, but I need to make sure you come back for more next Sunday :) That's kind of why there are 2 Dear Joy chapters in a row, to lighten the mood a bit before the action :)**

**Have a good week, **

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 67**

**Dear Joy III**

**Tuesday 12****th**** July 2011**

**-7.18pm**

Dear Joy,

You're amazing, you know that? You really are. By the end of this week, you're going to be 27 weeks old, and that's much, much further than any of the doctors ever believed you'd ever get. If you can just hang on for a few more weeks, then your chance of survival will be pretty high, with the right care. So the message is, hang on in there, Joy. I know you can do it.

The placenta is hanging on by a thread now; one more abruption and the doctors will have to induce labour, but it's far too early for that. The doctors have had you and your mummy on steroids for a few weeks now, so we think your lungs are quite developed, but we're not sure. That's why we need you to stay in there. Because whether you're going to be a part of this family or not, your mummy needs you to survive. We all do.

And I've got some news for you by the way: I've found out your mummy's middle name, and the answer to the mummy/mommy query. Well, it was Martha really. She brought out a box yesterday- a large, cardboard box, painted lilac with butterflies all over it, about the size of 3 shoeboxes stuck together. It was your mummy's apparently, your mummy's, your Grandma Celin's …and your Granddad Victor's, I suppose. But we won't talk about him.

Anyway, so Martha brought out this box, and explained how she'd found it left in the bottom of a wardrobe, when your mummy moved away. She must have forgotten it was there. She says she's tried to give it back numerous times, but your mummy wouldn't ever take it, so she still has it. So we opened it up, and it was full of photographs, baby clothes, school books, you name it. The remainders of your mummy's childhood, the essence of the person she is today. And we sat there on the floor, Martha, Leo, Janet and I, sorting through it all, lost in the past, remembering your mummy as she was before this whole nightmare with _him_. Not that I'm blaming you though, Joy. I could never, ever blame you.

It really hit it home though, just how small you're going to be when you're born. It turns out your mummy was born too early too, though only by a month and a half, so not as early as you're going to be. There were some baby clothes in the box, among them a tiny, white and pink baby-grow with a butterfly pattern, made for premature babies, and that's when it hit me. I can't imagine your mummy ever being that small, and I really, really can't imagine you being even smaller.

There were other things in that box as well; numerous photos of your mummy at various times during her childhood, a medal with a ballerina engraved on it from 1986, a number of pressed flowers, and a worn, lilac stuffed elephant, which Martha said she used to take everywhere. But the thing that solved both of our mysteries was an old school exercise book baring the heading 'Nicola Alexander, English book, Grade 1.' She would have been about 6 or 7, apparently. I found the answer to our questions on a sheet of pink card tucked between the pages, entitled 'My favourite animal'. There was a crayon drawing of an elephant on the front, with 'To mummy, love from Nikki' written underneath in wobbly purple letters. And she'd signed and dated it on the back: By Nicola Aleydis Alexander, mother's day, May 1984. So there you have it. I am a genius. Personally, I think 'Aleydis' suits her, your mummy. It means noble, apparently, which definitely suits her. Your mummy never fails to amaze me by putting everyone else in the world before herself.

I had a dream about you last night. At least I think it was you. I was coming home from work one night, and I found you sitting on my doorstep; a little oriental girl of about 6 years old. I told you to go home, that you shouldn't be there, but you said you didn't have a home; that nobody adopted you because the social workers said they could tell your mummy still loved you, that she'd come back to get you soon.

'But she didn't come,' you said sadly. 'I waited for her for 6 years, but she didn't come. Why didn't she come?'

That's not going to happen though, Joy. I probably shouldn't have told you that. Forget I said anything, I'm just being stupid. I'm just jealous that I won't get to see you grow up.

Ignore the above scribbling, Joy. So anyway, at least I now know I can keep spelling 'mum' the British way, and don't have to try and remember to revert to American spelling in these letters, just for you. Not that there's anything wrong with the Americans of course, they just spell things funny. I have nothing against Americans. Except that family off the reality show on all the music channels, with the sisters whose sole purpose in life seems to be to fly from state to state on one big shopping trip, à la camera crew. Not that I watch these programmes, of course. I just… happen to know about them.

That's me done for now; Leo's getting suspicious as to what I'm doing. I'll write again soon, Joy, I promise. And you know I keep my promises.

Love Harry xx

PS. You got a present today. It was from Zaretta, Auntie Sara's 14 year old, your cousin, I suppose. Sara had brought her and her other kids by to see your mummy, in what I think might have been an attempt to trigger something maternal in her, though I wouldn't dare say that to her face. Zaretta came up to me just as she was leaving, and held out a small pink box.

"That's for Nikki's baby, but I didn't think it would be a good idea to give it to Nikki, so I'm giving it to you," she said. "It's because she likes butterflies and dragonflies." I was confused, and explained to her again that Nikki- your mummy- isn't keeping you, then asked her why she was giving it to me. But she just smiled like she knows something I don't, and ran off after your Auntie Sara.

I looked in the box later, when everyone was gone. It contained a tiny gold bangle, with a little dragonfly on the top, a perfect miniature version of the one on your mummy's necklace. It must have cost her a fortune. I didn't have the heart to go back and tell her you wouldn't be able to have it, that your mummy doesn't want to keep you. Maybe it was because I didn't believe it myself.


	69. Dear Joy IV

**Chapter 68**

**Dear Joy IV**

**Wednesday 27****th**** July 2011**

**-3.18pm**

I did a bad thing just now, Joy. Well, not really, but I did something I shouldn't have, something I promised myself I wouldn't do, in case your mummy doesn't keep you and I have to say goodbye. But I did, Joy. I did, and I'm sorry.

I was out shopping; your mummy had sent me out, for nail varnish, of all things. Apparently her toenails were getting chipped beyond the point of no return, and 'if I'm going to stay stuck in a hospital bed for another 10 weeks then I want to at least feel slightly presentable. Can you believe that 1 bottle of nail varnish out here costs 52 Rand? That's £5 in British money! 5 whole pounds for a bottle of pink sticky stuff? And how your mummy's planning on actually painting her toenails with a baby bump in the way, I do not know. Although she's still tiny, because you're still so small and you're now living in just over a centimetre of amniotic fluid. And still haven't managed to persuade her to go on nutrition drip.

But anyway, so I bought a bottle of the ridiculously overpriced nail varnish, and was just on my way back to the hospital when I made the crucial mistake of walking past a baby shop window. I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it. But I did, and before I had the chance to turn away and get back to your mummy, I saw something fluffy and lilac in the window. It was a stuffed toy elephant calf, almost identical to the one in your mummy's box from when she was a child, except brand new and not slightly grubby, and something about it just screamed 'Joy'. And so before I knew it, I was stepping out of the shop with a plastic bag containing a gift-wrapped toy elephant, having just been congratulated on my wife's (!) impending arrival by a cheery 20-something year old on the tills. Why, Joy? Why did I do that? Your mummy's been adamant that no one is buying ANYTHING like that due to the fact she's not keeping you, that's why I've had to keep Zanetta's present under wraps. No pun intended. So why did I do it, Joy? Not that you don't deserve it, of course you do. Just that I've gone and got too attached to you, and made it harder than ever to say goodbye.

I'm going to see your mummy now, so that's it for the time being, I'm afraid. Though I'm going to have to go via Martha's house, so I can stash the elephant away, somewhere she, Janet and Leo won't find it. The things you make me do, Joy. The things you make me do.

Love Harry xxx

PS. Toenail painting mystery solved. Am currently sat at the end of your mummy's hospital bed on an incredibly uncomfortable plastic chair while she eats chocolate (nasty South African stuff, but still), and guess what I'm doing, Joy? Yep, you got it, I'm painting her toenails. Which isn't easy, given the amount she's wriggling. Apparently I'm tickling her feet. Yeah right.

PPS. Nurse cursed with unenviable task of changing your mummy's catheter has just remarked that she didn't know there was a father in the picture. She is new. Obviously. Because if she'd seen your mummy and me before, she'd know that we're just friends. Best friends, though. Very close best friends.

PPPS. Even if I sometimes wish it was more than that. But don't tell your mummy I said that, will you?


	70. Old life's end

**Chapter 69**

**Old life's end**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**12.44am**

Nikki Alexander was asleep. That in itself was a rarity these days; she often didn't get off until the early hours of the morning. But then it had been like that for a while. She had almost gotten used to feeling permanently tired after nearly 6 months of it, but for now, she was fast asleep and without a care in the world. If only it was going to last.

She wasn't dreaming either, though somehow she was aware of something damp beneath her, and slowly, steadily, it pulled her from her sleep. What was it now? If her catheter had leaked again…

She sat up slowly, curiously, unsure of what was going on. There was definitely something wet between her legs, but the catheter was still in place. So what was it? She reached out for the bedside light, ready to investigate, but as she did she felt a sharp rush of pain, and her whole body seemed to tense for a few seconds, then relax once more. And suddenly, as she lay there in the dim light, she knew exactly what was wrong. Oh god, it was happening. It was finally happening.

Reality slowly began to dawn on her as she realized the stage in this whole saga she was at. 29 weeks; 29 weeks to the day, in fact. It was far, far, far too early for the baby to be making an appearance yet, but all the signs were there, taunting her. Her waters had broken, there was a small trace of bleeding on the sheets- not enough to be another abruption, thank god, and she had just experienced what she believed to be a contraction. It was too early, yes, but it was happening. It was happening now.

Nikki reached up to pull the emergency cord above her bed, trying to stay calm. She realized now, with a sickening feeling, why she'd managed to get such a good sleep, up until that moment. The baby wasn't moving. While she'd been sleeping, her daughter had been perfectly still for the first time in months, and she hadn't noticed.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, stroking the bump in an attempt to get the baby to start moving, but nothing happened. "I've failed you, again. I'm so sorry."

"Nikki?" came a voice from the doorway. Dr Groenewald's voice. "Nikki, what's wrong?"

"I…" she began, hardly able to put it into words; saying it out loud was going to make it real. "I think my waters have broken. And I can't feel her moving." She looked up at the doctor, her eyes beginning to swim with tears, more afraid than she'd ever been in life, that night 29 weeks ago included. "Is she going to die?"

Martha Manduna cursed as a harsh shrill ringing noise filled the house, and rolled over in bed to check the time. '1.00am' exactly, read her alarm clock. Who on earth was phoning her at 1am in the morning?

She clambered groggily out of bed and made her way to the phone, hoping it hadn't woken up her guests. If it was her boss, Mr Ellison, who was calling, he could get stuffed. So what if she'd had a lot of time off lately, her almost-daughter was in hospital, for god's sake! If he was going to try and guilt-trip her into an emergency night shift, he could forget it. No way!

"Hello," she said sleepily, though trying to sound as assertive as possible. "Who's speaking?"

"Martha Manduna?" asked the voice on the other end of the phone.

"Yes," Martha said slowly. It wasn't a voice she recognised.

"I'm calling from West Cape Imperial Hospital," the voice announced briskly. "I believe you have a friend currently on the maternity complications ward, a Nicola Alexander?"

"That's right," Martha confirmed; her heart beginning to race. "Has something happened?"

"She's just gone into labour, actually. It's going to be a while yet before the baby arrives, but we thought we'd let you know. She may have the baby before the morning, and given the circumstances, she could certainly do with some support right now."

Martha didn't need to be told twice. Within seconds she had thanked the man from the hospital and replaced the phone, and was turning on the lights, waking up her guests. She could see Harry stirring on the sofa, looking up at her with a confused, half-asleep expression on his face.

"Martha?" he asked slowly. "Martha, what's going on?"

She sighed, knowing that Harry wasn't going to take this news well. "It's Nikki," she explained gently, trying to keep the panic out of her voice. "Nikki's just gone into labour."

"What?" Harry exclaimed. "But it's too early! It's way too early!"

"Yes, well I don't think the baby got that memo," Martha sighed. "Come on, I said we'd be there as soon as possible. I imagine Nikki's in a bit of a state."

"Nikki!" Harry called, rushing into the hospital room to greet her. She was curled up on the hospital bed, her knees drawn up to her chest and her head in her hands. She looked so small, so helpless, that it made him feel helpless too; all he wanted to do was to somehow take all the pain away, but he knew all too well that no such thing could be done.

He was by her side in an instant, placing his hand gently on her shoulder in a bid to get her attention. Martha, Leo and Janet had stopped in the doorway, knowing Harry to be the best person to be with Nikki in that moment.

"Nikki?" he said softly. She nodded slightly, acknowledging his presence, but didn't look up.

"What's happening?" he tried asking gently. "Martha had a phone call just under an hour ago, saying the doctors thought you'd gone into labour. Nikki?"

"I…" she finally looked up, her eyes red and raw, and sighted the others hovering in the doorway. "You can come in, you know. I'm not going to be able to say this more than once."

Martha, Leo and Janet nodded and filed into the room, taking seats on the assortment of hospital chairs opposite the bed. At the beginning of Nikki's stay at the hospital the nurses had insisted on only 2 chairs per room, but by now she had become something of a regular patient, and the nurses had realized that the number of visitors coming and going by her room on a regular basis was unlikely to diminish any time soon, had allowed Harry and Leo to drag in an assortment of spare chairs from the hospital storage cupboard. They were rather uncomfortable and some of them were falling apart, but it was better than having to stand of sit on the floor.

"I was asleep," Nikki began shakily, fiddling with the corner of the hospital blanket in order to avoid having to meet anyone's eyes, or so Harry thought. "It was the first proper sleep I've had in a while actually, and I woke up and something was damp so I turned the light on- I thought it was just the catheter- and… and my waters had broken, and there was blood, and… and then I had what I think must have been a contraction and I couldn't feel her moving…"

"Oh god, Nikki," Harry whispered, more to himself than to anyone else. Within seconds he was sat on the side of the bed beginning to wrap his arms around her, when suddenly he sprung back to his feet, eying her suspiciously.

"All this happened an hour ago, right?" he asked.

Nikki nodded, hurt etched across her face, and Harry decided he'd better pull this one off quickly, before she got upset; she was still emotionally vulnerable at the moment, big time.

"They have changed the sheets since then, haven't they?"

And for the first time in weeks, Nikki laughed out loud.


	71. The truth to end all truths

**Chapter 70**

**The truth to end all truths**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-2.16am**

"So what are the doctors doing at the moment?" Leo asked gently, wanting to know what was going on, but not wanting to upset Nikki. "Are they trying to halt the labour, or are they just going to let you have the baby early?"

His question was answered by a loud sob and a fresh flow of tears.

"They gave me something to try and halt it an hour and a half ago, but it hasn't worked- I've gone from being just starting labour then to 4cm dilated as of 10 minutes ago-"

She cut off, crushing Harry's hand as she entered into another contraction and moaning softly, before relaxing visibly and collapsing back against the pillows as she checked the clock on the bedside table.

"How far apart are the contractions?" Harry asked nervously and Leo rolled his eyes; anyone would think he was the father.

"About 5 minutes apart, maybe a bit less."

"You've gone from nothing an hour and a half ago to contractions at 5 minute intervals now?" The panic in Harry's voice was evident.

"Her mother was like that, but it all slowed down after a couple of hours," Martha remembered. "It's going to be a while yet, I'd have thought."

Most women in Nikki's position would have been on the brink of despair at the news that labour was likely to last for much, much longer, but Nikki found herself feeling the opposite way. The longer the labour process lasted, the longer she had to spend with her baby, even if it wasn't yet born. The prospect of giving her up was becoming harder and harder to face.

Harry frowned at her noticing the look on her face. "You OK? Not in too much pain?"

Nikki shook her head, promising herself to be more careful. "No, I'm fine, I just…" But she stopped as another wave of pain passed through her, though much more concentrated in her stomach this time, and she gasped, her hand flying to her stomach.

"Nikki?" Harry asked, watching her closely, worry painted across his face. "Nikki, is it another contraction?" It was too soon for her to be having another contraction, she'd only had the last one 2 minutes ago, if that.

"That's not a contraction," Martha said suddenly, jumping to her feet and making her way over to Nikki, who was collapsed back against the pillows, her grip on Harry's loosening rather than tightening, and her eyes beginning to roll slightly.

"Niks, can I feel?" she asked gently, waiting for Nikki's nod before placing her hand on her stomach. "That's not a contraction," she said again. "Nikki, does it feel like… Nikki!" Nikki's eyes were fluttering now and she was shaking her head frantically, her whole body beginning to tremble.

"That's not normal; we need to get someone to look at her, now!" Martha said quickly, turning to Leo and Janet, who nodded and disappeared from the room.

"Come on Nikki, hold on," she murmured, slapping her cheeks lightly. "Niks come on, come on…"

"Martha!" Harry said urgently, attracting her attention. He had pulled back the bed sheets and was staring down at them, motionless. Martha followed his gaze, her hand flying to her mouth as she saw what Harry was talking about. The bed sheets were soaked with blood.

"What's happening?" Nikki asked groggily, looking down at the bed sheets.

"Nikki, don't look!" Harry protested, but it was too late. All of the colour drained from her face and the monitor beside the bed began beeping shrilly, indicating the rapid rising of her heart rate. And he didn't know what to do.

"Can you wait outside please?" Dr Groenewald asked as she bust into the room and began examining Nikki, and suddenly everyone made to leave. But Nikki grabbed hold of Harry's hand at the last moment, pulling him back.

"Harry, please?" she begged, clutching his hand. "Don't… leave me…please!"

Harry looked to the doctor, pleading with her. "Please?" he asked. "She shouldn't have to do this alone, not after everything she's already gone through."

"Go on then," Dr Groenewald sighed, pulling up the bottom of the covers to examine Nikki. "Where does it hurt, there, like before?" she asked, pressing down on the left side of the bump. Nikki just whimpered, flinching away.

"Right, Nikki, listen to me," she began. "Judging by the amount of blood you've lost and where you're experiencing the pain, I think you're having another abruption. We know that the placenta was hanging on by a thread, so the chances are it's now separated completely, meaning we need to get the baby out as soon as possible and stop any haemorrhaging you may get as a result of the complete abruption. But you're still only 4 centimetres dilated, and we haven't got time to wait for you to get to 10. We're going to have to do an emergency caesarean, as soon as possible."

Nikki let out another sob and clutched down on Harry's hand even tighter, her eyes squeezing shut. All Harry could do was hold her tightly, offering silent support.

"You'll be alright for a few minutes, so I'm going down to surgery now to make sure they get a theatre ready for you, and we'll get you down there in the next 15 minutes max, OK? Do you want me to get some scrubs for Harry, so he can come in with you?"

She nodded, glancing across at him. "If that's OK with you?"

"Nikki, it's fine," Harry promised, brushing her hair out of her face. "I'm not leaving you, I promise. Not unless you want me to."

"I'll just go and get everything ready," Dr Groenewald told them, before turning to run out of the room, leaving Harry and Nikki alone.

Harry studied her face closely once the doctor had gone, it suddenly dawning on him that his best friend would be a mother in less than an hour's time. Whether or not she would keep the baby was another matter, but she would be changed forever either way. Her face showed all the typical signs of shock, like she couldn't quite believe this was happening, couldn't accept it. He didn't blame her.

"Harry?" she sounded more alert now, as if she had gained some kind of purpose. "Harry, I don't know what to do." She was starting to sob now, full-on hysterical tears.

"Nikki, it's alright, deep breaths," he told her, gripping her shoulders. "What's wrong?"

"Harry, I've b-been lying to you," she whispered, her voice growing weaker by the minute; that would be the blood loss taking its toll. "I've been l-lying to you for m-m-months!"

"How do you mean?" he asked her softly, confused. "Nikki, you need to explain for me."

It was as if in that moment, all the pain and emotion she had been hiding for the past 29 weeks was flowing out of her, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "Harry, I..." she stopped, bracing herself. "God Harry, I can't do this anymore! I love her, OK! I didn't, not at first, but somewhere along the line she became the most important part of my life! She's the only family I've got Harry, the only person I'll ever have to love, and I can't lose that! I can't!"

"So don't!" Harry told her, relief setting in. "If you want her Nikki, if you really want her, then just keep her! You haven't committed to anything; all you've got to do is keep her. I know you love her Nikki, I know. I always have."

"But you don't get it!" Nikki sobbed. "This isn't something I've just realized Harry, I known I want to keep her for weeks! But I can't! I can't sentence her to that!"

"Sentence her to what?" Harry said frantically. Dr Groenewald would be back any moment and Nikki would be taken off to surgery, but he was just starting to get the truth, the real truth, out of her, and he needed to get the entirety. "Come on Nikki, tell me, please!"

"Isn't it obvious?" she screamed. "Can't you see why I can't keep her? Because I'd be a crap mother Harry, absolutely crap! How am I going to raise a child when I'm still recovering from… from… oh you know! I don't care if she looks like him, that doesn't matter to me in the slightest, Harry! I just want to be a mother so badly Harry, so badly it hurts! But I'd be useless, and I can't sentence her to that, don't you see? I can't force her to live her life with a workaholic pathologist, no extended family, no one except me! I can't!"

"Nikki…" Harry whispered, lost for words, overwhelmed by her confession. He'd known all along she hadn't quite been truthful with them about her feelings for the baby, but this… god, he had never imagined this.

"Nikki, I want you to listen to me carefully, and I want you to remember everything I say, this is important. Don't you ever think that about yourself ever, ever again, OK? Never. Nikki, you are the least crap person I know, and you are the best mother your little girl could ever hope for, I promise you. Is that all that's standing in the way of you keeping that baby Nikki, you thinking you'd be a terrible mother? Because you couldn't have got it more wrong, I promise you. And if you see your baby and you decide you want to keep it, then she's the luckiest little girl in the whole world, OK? In the whole, whole world."

Dr Groenewald re-entered the room behind them and Harry stopped, knowing it was time.

"We'll talk about this again later," he promised, accepting the scrubs from the doctor and pulling them on frantically. "It's going to be alright Nikki, promise. I promise."

The sensation of the caesarean section was horrible, at least to Nikki. Maybe it had something to do with the light-headedness caused by the blood loss, or the fear that the baby wasn't going to make it, but whatever it was, it was almost unbearable. The only thing that kept her going was the thought of the baby; that and Harry squeezing her hand, convincing her it was all going to be alright.

"We're almost there, Nikki" the surgeon was saying. "I'm just lifting her out now, we're almost there…"

But the world was starting to spin around her, and she knew she was near to passing out. "Harry," she whispered. "Harry, I feel…"

"She's about to pass out!" she could hear Harry shouting. "Is she still haemorrhaging?"

"Yes, but we can't do anything until the baby's out!" The surgeon replied. "OK… and here she is, a little girl!" she announced, though Nikki couldn't see her.

"Harry?" she whispered; she had little voice left now. "Harry, she's not crying! Harry go with her, make sure she's OK!"

"Nikki, you're crashing!" he protested, but she cut him off.

"Harry just do it! Please, just do it!"

That was the last think she remembered, before the world went black.


	72. First Meeting

**Hey everyone, I'm back! My flight got back here earlier than I thought so I decided to give you this one tonight :) North Cyprus was amazing and I have a few more chapters written for you, I just need to find the time to type them up between GCSE revision… so they'll be up as soon as possible :)**

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed last week, it was a pleasure to come home to! emmaJ1996, lizziginne, gemS, tigpop, timelove and thyqua you know I love you all and thank you so so much for your amazing reviews :) GemS- the chapter you reviewed was the 4****th**** one, I think you might have missed Dear Joy 3 by mistake? **

**And a special thank you to Lizzi, for your review/letter, which I have to say is the cutest review I have ever received! Thank you for taking the time to write that, you have no idea how much that one meant to me!**

**Sorry for leaving you all on such a big cliffie last time; hopefully this will make up for that…**

**Enjoy, and I hope you haven't all forgotten about this! Please come back and review! :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 71**

**First Meeting**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-3.23am**

Harry was waiting outside the emergency neonatal room, having been refused entry by the medical team taking care of Nikki's baby. He had been torn between the pair of them back in the delivery room but in the end he had chosen the baby, knowing Nikki would never forgive him if he didn't. He had chased the nurses right down the corridor to the neonatal unit, but when they had reached it, he had been forced to wait outside.

"We just need to check her over, she's very premature," one of the nurses had explained apologetically. "We won't be long, and you can come and see her as soon as we're done providing she's alright, OK?"

So now Harry was stuck outside the door leaning against the wall, a thousand thoughts running through his head. He desperately wanted to split himself in half, so that he could be down with Nikki and up here with her baby at the same time. Was she going to be OK? There had been so much blood… he shuddered, having to stop thinking about that before it sent him crazy.

He realized after a few minutes that he should probably call Leo; he doubted keeping families informed would be number one priority right now, and Leo, Janet and Martha were probably going out of their minds with worry. He was operating on auto-pilot as he pulled his mobile from his pocket and began the call, hardly thinking about what he was doing. He only just had enough brain capacity to worry about Nikki and the baby simultaneously, and he couldn't cope with anything else.

"Hello? Harry?" Leo answered frantically; the fumbling in the background indicated to Harry that he was putting the phone on loudspeaker. "Harry, what's happening? The nurses told us she was being taken in for an emergency caesarean, but we haven't heard anything since."

"She's had the baby," Harry explained, his voice numb. "She had the baby, but then she started haemorrhaging, and they took the baby away so she made me go with them, to make sure she was alright. I'm up in neonatal now waiting for them to tell me how the baby is, but I don't know anything about Nikki. Oh god Leo, there was so much blood…"

"OK," said Leo, the decisiveness in his tone strangely comforting to Harry; something about his father figure taking control was managing to convince him ever-so-slightly that everything was going to be OK, even if it was just for a moment.

"OK listen, how about Martha comes up to find you, you can wait together to find out how the baby's doing? Janet and I can go and use our medical knowledge to make a fuss and get out of the nurses what's happening with Nikki, and we'll phone each other when we hear anything, and I mean anything. OK?"

"Sounds like a plan," Harry said wearily, feeling far too tired to argue. "Martha, the neonatal unit's up on the 4th floor, there's a sign once you get to reception. You want the emergency neonatal unit though, not the usual one."

"OK. Harry, I'll be up there as soon as I can. Just hold on."

No sooner had he disconnected the phone, one of the nurses was standing in the doorway of the emergency neonatal unit.

"You're here to see Nicola Alexander's baby, yes?"

"That's right," Harry said quickly, suddenly alert despite the early hour. "How is she?" He studied the nurse's face anxiously for a clue as to what condition the baby might be in, but she was giving nothing away and leaving him on tender-hooks, unable to relax even the slightest bit until he had a definite answer to his question.

"She's doing remarkably well, under the circumstances," the nurse explained, and Harry's heart filled with relief. "The steroids her mother was on have sped up the development of her organs, so although she's still unstable she has a greatly increased chance of survival. She's tiny though- 2lbs exactly but we were expecting that given her mother was so underweight throughout the pregnancy- so we'll need to keep an eye on her until she's put some weight on. We've got her on a ventilator for now and we're going to keep monitoring her heart rate, but everything seems to be looking positive at the moment, in terms of her breathing. With her knee; we've tried to reset it, but it's not holding in place. We've splinted it for now, but she's going to need surgery to reset it properly, when she's about 2 weeks old, assuming she's stable enough by then. As you may remember, we were concerned for a while about her kidney and heart function, but she seems to be fine at the moment. We're going to have to keep monitoring her for a while, and you have to understand that she could suffer in other ways development-wise because of being born so early, and under far from ideal circumstances too. But she's a right little fighter, Dr Cunningham. Everything's looking good for her so far. Do you want to see her?"

"Yes please!" he jumped to his feet, following the nurse through into the unit. "Thank you so much."

"Don't mention it. Here she is," the nurse said, gesturing to an incubator in the corner labelled 'Baby girl Alexander.' "She's a beautiful little thing, this one."

Harry sat down in the chair beside the incubator, taking in the tiny body inside. She was so small she looked dangerously fragile and her skin was still translucent, but the nurse was right, she was beautiful. You could tell from the shape of her face and the flick at the corner of her eyes that she had oriental blood in her, but other than that, there was no trace of Bai to be found. The thin tufts of hair covering her head were a dark brown, reminding him of the year Nikki had dyed her own hair. The colour of her skin reminded him of milky coffee in the parts that had some colour to them, and there was a slightly darker patch of skin on her upper-side of her right arm, a birthmark maybe, that resembled a butterfly if you looked at it closely. That's when he knew she was meant to be; if there was anything he associated with Nikki inside and out, it was butterflies. And as he sat there, suddenly filled with so many emotions all at once, Nikki's baby yawned slightly, opened her eyes and looked up at him, and a pair of wide, sapphire blue eyes met his gaze. He couldn't be sure, but he suspected she had inherited those from Nikki's mother. But there was no doubt in his mind of one thing, and that was this: she was perfect.

It hurt to see her like that though; so small and alone and hooked up to a multitude of machines. Her right leg was wrapped in a thick white brace holding it out straight, a number of probes and monitors were stuck to her chest, and a thick ventilator pipe was attached to her mouth, aiding her breathing. She was tiny and fragile, but she was alive and loved, and not just by him either, not anymore. Somehow he'd known all along that Nikki wasn't being completely honest with him about her decision to give up her baby, the tiny little thing lying in front of him, but he'd never imagined the truth, that her self-esteem was so catastrophically low that she felt as if she'd fail at being a mother, at everything. How had he not noticed? God, she'd been in hospital for weeks, she'd even been sent to see a counsellor, and yet no one had noticed how awful she was feeling about herself. He was her best friend, and yet now he had failed her three times in the space of 6 months. He had failed to notice the rape and the horrible emotional effects it had on her, he had failed to notice her pregnancy until it had been almost too late, and now he had failed to notice the psychological trauma she had been putting herself through, forcing herself to give up her own baby as a result of being convinced that she'd be such a terrible mother. Why couldn't she see how wrong she was? Why couldn't she see that she was the best thing her baby could possibly hope for in terms of a mother, a family, a life, that the two of them could be so happy if only she could forgive herself?

The baby whimpered slightly and stretched a tiny hand out to the window at the side of the incubator, and Harry found himself reaching in through it, smiling as his little finger was caught in a small yet strong fist, but one which barely fitted halfway around the fingertip.

"Hi Joy," he whispered, knowing that wouldn't be her name for much longer, but not caring about that, not anymore. "You don't know who I am, do you? I'm… well, I don't know who I am to you. But I promise you this: I'm going to do everything I possibly can to make your mummy see sense and keep you, OK? I promise."

And in that moment, looking down at the impossibly tiny yet perfect baby grabbing onto his fingertip as if her life depended on it, he wondered how Nikki could possibly let her go. The more he thought about it (and he had been given plenty of opportunity to do so, over the past few weeks), the more he could picture her with a child. God help them all if Nikki's baby inherited her stubbornness and uncanny ability to work her way into dangerous situations, but that didn't matter. He could see her with a family, with someone to go home to every evening, someone to talk to and look after, someone to share her life and her roots with, someone to love and to love her back. All he had to do was make Nikki see that. If she made it through.


	73. semirelief

**Here's chapter 72 :) Thank you so much to timelove, em, gemS, lizzi, tigpop, and Thyqua for your reviews, thank you for coming back (!) and you know I couldn't do this without you :) Hope you enjoy this one, hope I still have everyone in character, and happy easter everyone!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 72**

**Semi-relief**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-3.46am**

He was still sat there beside her when Martha arrived at the emergency neonatal unit, so absorbed in the tiny baby in front of him that he didn't even acknowledge her presence at first. How the tiny little thing in front of him could remind him so much of Nikki at just an hour old he didn't know, but somehow the look in her eyes reminded him of her mother. The baby had been awake for a while now, holding his gaze with her wide blue eyes and a look that was so profoundly Nikki that it made his heart ache, not knowing how his best friend was and seeing her baby lying there all alone, yet to meet her mother.

"She's got Celin's eyes," Martha said softly, sitting down on the chair next to Harry, almost making him jump as he suddenly realized she was there. "Nikki's mum. And you're beautiful, aren't you?" she said, addressing the baby now, pausing for a moment to look her over. "And you look just like your mummy." Then she turned to Harry. "Have you heard from Leo?"

He shook his head. "No, why? Does he know anything more about Nikki?"

"She came out of surgery about 10 minutes ago. She's lost a lot of blood, and… and they had to remove her uterus, to get the bleeding to stop. This little one's the only child she's ever going to have, Harry."

It took a moment for it to sink in. So this baby, the tiny creature who had been through so much and symbolized huge amounts of pain and suffering and a huge wave of hope all at once, was the only chance Nikki was ever going to have of being a mother, biologically at least. To Harry, it was just one more thing Bai had taken from his best friend, one more way he had managed to hurt her, and it took all of his self-control to stop himself from losing his temper then and there. That wasn't going to help anyone though, and he knew it.

Harry sighed. "We'll get her through that- it'll be hard, but we'll do it. But she's going to be OK?"

"The doctors think so. She hasn't come round yet, but she should do within the next hour or so. I just…" Martha looked down at the baby again, sighing as she studied the mass of machinery attached to her. "I just worry that she's going to let this one go, and regret it later. She's the only chance Nikki has of a family. I mean, she's got me, she always will have, and I know you'll be there for her Harry, but sometime in the future she might decide she does want children of her own, and what then? It'll be too late."

"I think we might have solved that problem," Harry told her. "Before they took Nikki into theatre, she finally told me the truth about why she didn't want to keep Joy-"he cut off, realizing what he'd let slip. "I named her temporarily a couple of weeks ago, it's a long story, but anyway, Nikki told me she wants to keep her. She said she always has, but… but she's so convinced that she'll be a terrible mother that she thought it would be better for her to be adopted."

"What?" Martha gasped, unable to believe it. "She thought… oh god… oh, why didn't she tell anyone? If I'd known…, god, if I'd only known…"

"I know," Harry sighed. "I know Martha, I feel the same. But if we can convince her that she's the best mum Joy could hope for, then maybe we can get her to do what she really wants."

"You keep calling her 'Joy'," Martha pointed out, smiling. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

Harry could feel his cheeks turning pink, and pulled his notebook out of his pocket, the one in which he had written his letters to Joy, and handing it over to Martha by way of an explanation. He felt slightly guilty at having gotten so attached, knowing that he had no right to have done. He was nothing to do with the baby after all; he wasn't the father, he was just Nikki's best friend, and it wasn't up to him to decide what happened to the baby, to Joy. It wasn't his place to get attached.

"It was just something to send off with her to her new family," he tried to explain. "And I suppose it was my way of dealing with everything that was happening, I don't know. I had to give her a name, I couldn't write letters to someone without a name, and I just… I know I shouldn't have..."

He studied Martha's expression nervously; unsure as to how she was going to react. He hadn't meant any harm by writing the letters, but he was worried that Martha wouldn't see it that way. And Nikki almost certainly would not see it that way.

But Martha was smiling, turning the pages of the notebook swiftly, and skimming over the words.

"Have you shown Niks?" she asked finally, closing the notebook and handing it back to him.

Harry shook his head. "God, no. How would I even begin? 'By the way Nikki, I know you've been insisting for weeks that you don't want your baby, but I've named her temporarily, I've gotten attached to her, and I've been writing her letters for almost a month.' She'd slaughter me!"

"Maybe, maybe not," Martha shrugged. "But it might be just what she needs to hear. Perhaps this is the best way of showing her that she won't be bringing this one up alone, that she's got people who love her, her and the baby. Think about it Harry, this could be your chance to show her that you believe in her, that you know she could be a fantastic mother if only she let herself be. Maybe you wrote all these for Niks all along, even if you didn't know it. And besides, I think 'Joy' suits her, don't you?"

Harry paused, thinking it through. He could see what Martha was saying, but he wasn't convinced. He thought there might be a chance of it working out, but there was also a chance of Nikki ripping the pages of the 'Dear Joy' letters up into a thousand pieces and throwing them back in his face, retreating even further back into her shell and refusing to consider the possibility of keeping her baby. And that possibility terrified him.

"I'm not sure, but I'll think about it," he told her. "I think the main thing now is to try and rebuild her self-confidence; it's clearly hit rock bottom if she's convinced she'll be such a terrible mother. If we can start to do that, maybe she'll allow herself to keep this one."

He looked down at the baby once more, stroking the back of her hand gently. She was asleep now, her eyes closed and her left leg curled up under her body, emphasising the thick white cast holding her right knee in place.

"We should probably go and see how Nikki is, she might be waking up soon," he sighed. He didn't know what state Nikki was going to be in when she did wake up, given everything she had been through in the past few hours, days, weeks, months, but he did know that she was going to need her friends and family, such as they were. And after all his recent failures, the least he could do was to make sure he was there, ready to help, when she did.


	74. Convincing her

**I can't believe how long this is turning out :) And I really should be revising right now, but I'm putting this up first. The next 2 chapters are typed up and ready, so the sooner you review the sooner you can have them :) I'm getting a bit addicted to reviews atm, they spur me on with the revision :)**

**Thanks to tigpop, lizzi, em and GemS, you guys are amazing! Love you all, and hope you like this one. You know what you were all saying about Harry, Nikki and Joy being a perfect family? Well you know what, you might just be right…**

**Love Flossie xx**

**PS. One last thing… farewell Elisabeth Sladen of Dr Who, I only found out today :( Don't know if any of you are Dr Who fans, but I know I certainly am, and she will be missed :( **

**Chapter 73**

**Convincing her**

_Made a wrong turn once or twice,_

_Dug my way out of blood and fire,_

_Bad decisions, but that's alright,_

_Welcome to my silly life,_

_Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood,_

_Miss 'No way, it's all good', it didn't slow me down,_

_Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated,_

_Look, I'm still around._

_Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel,_

_Like you're less than, less than perfect,_

_Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel,_

_Like you're nothing, know you are perfect, to me._

_You're so mean when you talk about yourself; you were wrong,_

_So change the voices in your head, make them like you instead,_

_So complicated, just feel happy and you'll make it,_

_Filled with self-hatred, such a tired game,_

_It's enough, I've done all I can think of, _

_Chased down all my daemons, _

_I'll help you do the same._

_Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel,_

_Like you're less than, less than perfect,_

_Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel,_

_Like you're nothing, know you are perfect, to me._

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-4.50am**

Her first thought was that she was cold. She was cold, and she didn't know where she was. Her eyes were still shut, but the shadows which passed across her eyelids told her that the room was dimly lit. She tried to open them, but nothing happened, and she hadn't the energy to try any harder, so she stopped for the moment. She could hear voices murmuring softly in the background, but she couldn't quite make out the words; it was as if she were trapped inside some kind of bubble, vaguely aware of what was going on around her, but unable to put the pieces together.

It took her a moment to remember what had happened. She had been rushed in for an emergency caesarean after her placenta had finally broken away completely and she had started haemorrhaging, which meant she must have had the baby by now. She was suddenly filled with a fresh wave of panic, stronger than anything she'd ever felt before in her life. Maternal instinct, she supposed. God, that was weird, just thinking about it. She didn't think she would ever get used to that.

So what had happened to the baby? She didn't know, but suddenly nothing else mattered, not anymore. The poor thing was only 29 weeks old, and with all the various complications the two of them had been faced with recently, she knew there was no guarantee of her survival. She didn't know what she'd do if her baby didn't survive, she didn't know how she'd live with herself. Hell, she didn't know anything anymore.

She tried opening her eyes again but failed, managing only a slight flutter. It was enough to get someone's attention though, and now a voice was calling her name, while someone gripped her hand firmly, squeezing her fingers.

"Nikki! Nikki, can you hear me?"

It was Harry's voice she realized. He'd said he'd stay with her through all this, and he'd remained true to his promise. But then she remembered how she had made him promise to go and check on her baby after the c section, and her heart filled with dread once more. How long had she been out for? What if it hadn't been long, what if her baby was dead and he'd come back to break the news to her? What would she do then?

She let out a soft, distressed sob, and a moment later a pair of strong arms were wrapping around her shoulders, trying to comfort her.

"It's alright," she could hear Harry telling her, pressing her shoulders gently into the bed in an attempt to get her to stay still. "Nikki shush, it's alright. Everything's going to be alright now, I promise."

She finally managed to force her eyes open and looked up at him, squinting slightly as the harsh light hit her eyes. Harry was perched on the edge of the hospital bed with his arms wrapped tightly around her, his face etched with relief. She could make out other people standing at the end of the bed now, and it took her a moment to identify them as Leo, Janet and Martha. She remembered now; they'd come down to the hospital about an hour after she'd gone into labour. In the middle of the night, which would explain the dimly lit room; everyone was probably half asleep.

"You're awake," Harry said softly, stroking her forehead. "Thank god, you've had us so worried…"

But she didn't care about that; she didn't care about her own physical state in the slightest. The only thing that mattered to her was her baby, and anything else could wait.

"Is she…" forming the words was a struggle, but she was determined to get some answers. But she felt as if her mind had gone blank, and getting the words out was suddenly the least of her problems; she wasn't even sure which words she wanted. She tried to tell herself it was just the anaesthetic, or the painkillers, or something else which would wear off in a few hours, but that didn't help in that moment, when all she wanted was to know how her baby was doing.

"Hoe…" she began, realizing after a moment's delay that she had switched to Afrikaans but knowing Martha would understand. "How is sy?"

"How is she?" Martha translated, moving closer to the bed. "She's fine malaika, she's doing absolutely fine, I promise you."

"She's very small, but she's doing fine," Harry was assuring her now. "We've seen her Nikki, and she's fine. The doctors couldn't reset her knee properly so they're going to have to operate on her in a few weeks, but other than that she's absolutely fine, and she's beautiful; she looks just like you. She's got your mum's eyes."

She was relieved, and yet somehow she still couldn't relax. Nikki had convinced herself for so long that she couldn't keep the baby, that she was going to let her go without even laying eyes on her, but now… now she was torn. Because the only thing she wanted in the whole world was to see her baby and that was the one thing she couldn't have. She didn't trust herself to not get attached, to not make it impossible for herself to say goodbye. And that just wasn't fair.

"Nikki, it's alright," Harry was telling her gently now, and it took her a moment to realize she'd started to cry. "Come on, it's alright, you're not in too much pain are you?"

"I don't…" Nikki paused, thinking frantically. She knew she'd haemorrhaged earlier, but no one had told her how she was now. "What happened?"

"You started haemorrhaging in theatre as a result of the placental abruption," Leo explained, stepping closer to the bed. "It was touch and go for a while and you've lost a lot of blood, but you're stable now, OK? You're going to have to stay in here for a while, but you're going to make a full recovery."

"There's something… you're… not telling me?" Nikki managed, knowing from the tone of Leo's voice that he was still keeping something from her.

"Nikki…" Leo sighed, sitting down opposite Harry. "The only way of stopping the bleeding… well…they had to remove your uterus. I'm afraid you're not going to be able to have any more children."

"OK." That news didn't bother her too much. The only child she wanted in that moment was the one lying in an incubator on the emergency neonatal ward, the one she couldn't let herself have.

She was aware of a dull ache in her stomach now, which she supposed was linked to the caesarean section, and a crimson drip back to the side of the bed, and suddenly she felt numb. What was she going to do now? She couldn't carry on as if nothing had happened, not knowing where her baby was and who she was growing up with, but she knew it wasn't fair to keep her either.

"Harry, what am I going to do?" she asked desperately, praying he would get the message and realize what she was talking about.

Thankfully, Harry seemed to get the idea.

"Can you give us some space for a moment?" he asked the others, smiling gratefully as Martha, Leo and Janet filed out of the room, before turning back to Nikki. "So what's wrong? What do you want to do?"

"Harry, it's not about what I want, it's about what's best!" she protested. "And that's what I'm doing!"

"Nikki, listen to me," Harry told her. "I know you think you're doing what's best, and you are being so brave, OK? And I know how selfless this is, giving up your baby because you think she'll have a better life that way. But Nikki, the trouble is, you've got it all wrong. Because there is no way that you could ever be a terrible mother. Not ever. And I can see that you want to keep her and look after her yourself, so why don't you? You're the best mother she could wish for Nikki, I promise you that. And you would not be doing it alone; you've got me, you've got Leo and Janet, you've got Martha, you've got Sara, and when Leo and Janet have their adoption for Jasper finalized, your daughter's even going to have… well, I don't know… a cousin? But that's not the point, Nikki. The point is, I'm not stupid, I know how much you want a family, and this is your chance. All you have to do is trust me when I say that you will be the most fantastic mother, and that you are the least crap person I know, OK?"

"Harry, you're just saying that-"

"No. No Nikki, I wouldn't lie to you about something like this." He sighed, reached over to stroke her hair. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry, we never realized how much of an impact all this has had on you, did we? But it's going to be alright now, I promise. It's all going to be OK, we're going to help you, and you're going to get some self-esteem back. But Nikki, doing something that's going to make you so miserable for the rest of your life isn't the answer, not when you could be so happy so easily. And I… Nikki I…" He cut off, pulling out his mobile phone. "Do you want to see her? I don't think you're going to be allowed out of bed for a while so I took you a picture, I know it's not the same…"

"Can't I just go and see her?"

"Nikki, you've just woken up from major surgery," Harry tried to tell her, but she wouldn't listen.

"Everyone else gets to see their baby as soon as they've given birth! So why can't I?"

He sighed again. "You do realize how much trouble I'm going to be in if the nurses catch us? _When _the nurses catch us?"

"You don't have to be anything to do with it-"

"Nikki, how are you going to get up to the 4th floor by yourself? Think about it, there's no way you can walk up there. Listen, I'll take you up there, OK? But quietly. And I'm taking you in a wheelchair, no arguments."

Nikki opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it again. Harry was compromising with her enough already, and at least she was going to get to see her baby. She could put up with the wheelchair for now, provided she finally got to meet her. Something in her had changed as a result of Harry's words; she still wasn't convinced she could ever be a half-decent mother, but she wasn't in this alone anymore. She could learn… couldn't she? Maybe this was just what she needed; maybe finally feeling part of a family would help her to heal, to get back to normal, only better. So perhaps she could justify going to see her daughter after all. She would make her final decision once she saw her, Nikki promised herself. And she would do the right thing, by the both of them. She had to.

"Come on then," Harry sighed, moving round the bed and slipping his arms under her legs, lifting her up bridal-style. "And let me know if I hurt you, OK?"

"You're fine," Nikki lied, biting down on her lip as Harry placed her in the wheelchair. She knew that if he got the slightest inkling that she was in pain, she would be sent straight back to bed, pronto.

Harry was peering around the door now as if he was in a spy movie, and the sight would have made her laugh out loud, under different circumstances. Now though, her mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of the little baby lying all alone up in neonatal, and laughing was far from on the agenda.

"OK, there's no one out there, I think the others must have gone to get a coffee," he told her. "So let's go. And just so you know, I refuse to take any responsibility for this. If the nurses ask, I tried to stop you, but you threatened me until I was terrified as to what you would do to me if I didn't follow your orders to the letter."

Nikki had to laugh at that one, despite everything. "Like they're going to believe that! I'm bloody bed-ridden Harry, in case you haven't noticed."

"Ah, but I bet you could still throw a decent punch," Harry grinned. "Oh no, sorry, I forgot you have the upper body strength of kitten!"

"Harry…" she was being serious now, he could tell by the mere tone of her voice.

"What is it?" he asked as they entered the lift.

"I'm not sure I know how to be a mother. I mean, my own wasn't even around most of the time, I saw more of Martha as a child than both of my parents put together. What if I see her and I want to keep her, but I don't know how to look after her, Harry? What do I do then?"

"You've got us," Harry told her simply. "You've got Martha, you're not going to be allowed on a plane for a while, so you'll have her around to help you. And you've got Sara, she's done all this before, as has Leo, and when he and Janet go to pick up Jasper from Saigon the two of you can work it out together. And you've got me, Nikki. No matter what happens, whatever you decide, you've always got me. I'm not going anywhere, not ever."


	75. Unconditional Love

**I'm quite proud of this one :) A bit of fluff was needed before things turn nasty, and Nikki needs to finally meet her baby :)**

**Big thank you and hugs to everyone who reviewed: tigpop, gemS, lizziginne, thyqua, dinabar, and to Lauren for all of yours! Don't worry about the spam, I LOVE reviews, so please keep them coming. And I'm glad you like it :)**

**Enjoy, and hopefully the next one will be up soon,**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 74**

**Unconditional Love**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-5.16am**

_She was lost in so many different ways,_

_Out in the darkness with no guide,_

_I know the cost of a losing hand,_

_Never thought the grace of God so high._

Nikki could find no words to describe the way she felt as Harry wheeled her up to the neonatal unit. She knew her daughter had now been moved out of the emergency ward, but still she couldn't relax, not until she saw for herself that she was OK. Harry had been right; she had barely been out of bed for 10 minutes and already the pain was intensified, but she ignored it, pushing it far to the back of her mind. She could cope with whatever pain her body threw at her, providing she got to see her baby.

She could feel her heart beginning to beat faster and faster as Harry pressed the intercom beside the door and explained who they were, and a moment later the door unlocked, and Harry was pushing her into the unit, and they were greeted by a friendly, middle-aged nurse, who seemed to know who she was straight away; the doctors had probably warned her of Nikki's previous reluctance to even consider keeping her baby.

"Look, I really shouldn't be doing this," the nurse said quietly to them both. "But I'm the only one on duty in here at the moment, and I know a bit about what's been going on… normally hospital policy is that these babies don't come out of the incubator but… if you like, I could get her out for a bit, and you can say hello properly?"

Nikki nodded, suddenly filled with nerves. "If you're sure that's OK?"

"Of course it is," the nurse smiled warmly. "Now, she might look a bit scary just at the moment- we've still got her on a ventilator and a number of monitors and her leg's still in a cast, but at the rate she's going, that'll all be gone in a few weeks. I'll just get her out for you."

"Harry, I don't know what to do!" she whispered urgently, as the nurse reached into the incubator and began to lift out her daughter. "How am I supposed to know what to do with her?"

"You'll know," Harry promised. "You'll know when you see her. It'll be the most natural thing in the world, I promise."

_I found heaven on Earth, you are my last, my first,_

_And then I hear this voice inside,_

_Ave Maria._

And suddenly the nurse was holding out a tiny baby, no longer than her forearm, and before Nikki even realized what was happening she was holding out her arms to take it, cradling her daughter to her chest. She was the smallest little thing Nikki had ever seen, so small that she wouldn't hold her too tightly at first, as if out of fear she might snap her in two. But as she sat there in the early hours of the morning, holding her little girl for the first time, suddenly the whole world seemed to make perfect sense.

To Nikki, there seemed to be no trace of Bai in the sleeping child in her arms. The flick at the corner of her eyes looked oriental, but not particularly like Bai's, and not enough to remind her of that night. In fact, the little girl lying in front of her reminded Nikki more of her mother than anyone else, though she couldn't explain why. She just looked so peaceful, so innocent, that Nikki could hardly believe she was the end product of so much hurt and misery. None of the feared resentment or hatred was there, nor was the love, yet desire to let her go for her own good. Because in that moment, cradling the tiny baby close to her heart, Nikki couldn't imagine ever leaving her side ever again. Whenever she'd imagined this moment, she'd pictured the baby screaming hysterically when she was placed into her mother's arms, as if protesting against her mere presence, knowing Nikki to be unfit to look after her. But the baby simply sniffed slightly and blinked, looking up at Nikki with a perfect replica of her own mother's eyes; a pair of wide, sapphire-blue irises littered with green flecks around the pupil area. All that look said was a mixture of love and recognition, like she knew her to be her mother already. And that was enough for Nikki. She lifted the baby up to rest her head on her shoulder, supporting her back with one hand and counting her tiny fingers with the other, checking all of her was there.

"Ek is net dit alles so verkeerd is, het ek nie?" she whispered into the baby's ear, satisfied that all fingers and toes were present and moving to run her fingers through thin, chocolate brown curls. "I just went and got it all so wrong, didn't I? You don't hate me, I see that now. And I love you more than anything, darling. I always will."

She lifted the baby again and turned her round, staring into her eyes.

_I've been alone, whilst I'm surrounded by friends,_

_How could the silence be so loud?_

_But now I'll go home, knowing that I've got you,_

_It's only us, when all the lights go out._

"So, wat dink jy?" she asked her softly. "What do you think? Can you put up with me for the next 18 years, for the rest of your life? It turns out I was wrong about you not having a family, you know. It's a bit of a mismatched family, but you could live with that, couldn't you? And I hope you're not going to be squeamish when you're older, because you're going to be surrounded by pathologists. And you're going to have to put up with me, 24/7, because if you think I'm ever leaving you alone again then you're very much mistaken. Kan jy gaan met wat? Can you cope with that?"

But her baby just reached out and grabbed onto her hair with her right hand, exposing the darker brown of the butterfly-shaped birthmark on her arm, and Nikki held it there gently, examining it.

"Wel, ek dink dit is die antwoord," she decided, holding her daughter closer. "I guess that's the answer."

Because suddenly, all the doubt and mixed feelings were gone from her mind in a flash. She knew what she had to do now, and she'd never been so sure of anything in her life. There was only one way forward from here, one way for them both to be happy, and she could do it. With Harry's help, she'd get there, wherever 'normal' was. They'd get there together, this mish-mash of a family she and her daughter seemed to have found for themselves. It was all going to work out, at last.

_You are my heaven on Earth, you are my last, my first,_

_And then I hear this voice inside,_

_Singing Ave Maria._

"Harry," she whispered, looking up at him for a moment, suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. "Harry, thank you."

"What for?" he asked, crouching down beside her. "What did I do?"

"You made me think about what I was doing, you made me change my mind," she told him, kissing her daughter gently on the forehead as she eyes closed once more. "You stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my life."

Harry didn't ask what she was talking about; he didn't need to. "She's beautiful, Nikki," he said simply. "She is absolutely beautiful, and she's the luckiest little thing in the world to have you, I hope you know that."

"Harry, do you really think I can do this?" she asked, holding the baby tighter and running her fingers down the cast on her daughter's right leg, stopping in horror as the baby seemed to wince. "Ek is jammer, malaika," she whispered into her hair. "I'm sorry."

"Nikki, of course you can," he told her softly. "This is what you want, anybody can see that. And so it'll work out Nikki, it'll work out because you want it to, because all anybody wants is for you to be happy and so you'll have help here and waiting every step of the way. This is the start of something better for you, you know. And I am so, so proud of you."

_Sometimes love can come and pass you by,_

_While you're busy making plans,_

_But suddenly it hits you and then you realize,_

_It's out of your hands, baby, you've got to understand._

"You're the best friend I could ever hope for, you know that don't you?" Nikki told him, resting her head against his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I would let you hold her, but…"

"But you don't want to let her go just yet, I understand," Harry finished for her softly as he reached across to pull her into a hug. "Maybe later?"

She just nodded, barely able to take her eyes away from the tiny creature lying across her chest.

"And you do realize you've just sentenced yourself to 18 years of ballet lessons, pink fluff and Hannah Montana?"

Nikki just laughed. "I'll worry about that later. She hasn't even got a name yet- I don't think she's going to be skipping around in a Disney costume any time soon."

"Any ideas? For a name, I mean."

She shook her head. "This is all a bit new to me, you know. I haven't even given it a thought."

"Well, you've got plenty of time," he told her. "Listen, I'm just going to step outside and phone the others, let them know where we are, OK? I'll be back soon."

Nikki nodded, still completely transfixed with the baby. He smiled and stepped outside, wandering a short distance down the corridor until he managed to find a mobile phone signal.

"Excuse me?" came a sharp, accented voice from behind him.

Harry turned around, and met the gaze of an old, oriental man, perhaps Chinese.

"I am looking for the premature baby unit," he explained. "Do you know where I can find it?"

Harry nodded and pointed down the corridor. "Yep, I've just come from there. Just go round the corner, and it's the second door on your left."

"Thank you," the oriental man smiled. "And congratulations. You and your wife must be very proud."

"What? No!" Harry corrected him hurriedly. "No, I'm just here to visit a friend. Best friend, but friend all the same. It's been somewhat of a bumpy road, but we're almost out of the woods now, I think."

"Oh I'm sorry," the oriental man said, embarrassed.

"No, don't worry. Should I congratulate you, or not?" Harry asked, smiling.

"Yes, as it happens, I've just been made a father. A little girl, Hong-hanh," he explained. "Nice to meet you."

Bai Lưu waited until Harry was out of sight before turning on his heels and heading out of the hospital. It was too early; from what Harry had said, it seemed like Nikki's baby was still too unstable to be removed from the neonatal unit. So he would just have to wait a while, but that was OK. He would get his child eventually, but for now, he had to be patient.

But back in the neonatal unit, Nikki was blissfully unaware of Harry's encounter; too absorbed with her baby to care about anything else in the world. She didn't think she'd ever felt this in-love in her life, unless you counted… no, that didn't count. It was a different kind of love, and anyway, that person didn't feel the same way. But that didn't matter. Not while she had her daughter. Not while she finally had a family, a future.

_You are my heaven on Earth, you are my last, my first,_

_And then I hear this voice inside,_

_Ave Maria._

_Ave Maria, Beyonce_


	76. To Belong

**OK, here's the next one :) Not as many reviews for the last one though :( Are you all losing interest? I know it's gone a bit fluffier for the moment, but consider it the calm before the storm… that's all I'm saying for now. There is still much more to come, if you guys still want it!**

**Thank you to Lauren, tigpop, gemS and Lizzi for your reviews of the last chapter, and also to everyone who reviewed my oneshot :) Glad you liked it guys, I'm planning to write a series of them to supplement the Sunset in SA series, which can either be read alone or alongside. Let me know if you like that idea and if there are any oneshots you'd particularly like to see, and I'll get going :) I'm not promising anything, some topics come more naturally to me than others in terms of writing and English is not my first language, but if any suggestions take my fancy I will give them a go :)**

**Hope you like, let me know!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 75**

**To Belong**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-9.04am**

Nikki Alexander sighed and stretched out across the hospital bed, at a loss as to what to do with herself. The nurse up in the neonatal unit had given her half an hour with her baby, but then had insisted that Nikki get back to bed before she got them all in trouble. But now she was back in her room, 3 whole storeys of the hospital away from her baby, she felt completely and utterly lost. She had only spent 30 minutes with her daughter, but already her life had changed forever. Somehow, in those short 30 minutes, that tiny baby had become the centre of her universe, and she couldn't imagine her life without her. Even Harry had disappeared; she had sent him and the others back to Martha's to change, and now she felt rather alone.

Before the birth, she had been terrified about the way she would feel about her daughter's biological father, but now she had seen her baby she realized that Bai had nothing to do with this, not anymore. Her daughter reminded her of her mother rather than Bai; something she knew she would be forever grateful for. The only regret was a single thought at the back of her mind, one which she didn't even allow herself to think about, one which wished Harry could be her daughter's father figure, but she brushed that aside. After the events of Hungary Nikki had half-hoped that something might happen between them, but she supposed she had been too traumatized for that. There was no point thinking about it anymore though; as if Harry was going to go anywhere near her in that sense now she had a baby, now she couldn't ever have his children. She was just going to have to be satisfied with being Harry's friend.

It was the strangest feeling, looking back now over the last 6 months. It was only with hindsight that Nikki realized just how much of a wreck she had been, even since she had been admitted to hospital. God, she still hadn't told anyone the information she had about the phoenix case; the reason Bai had been recruiting children to fulfil his twisted plan. It was as if during those 6 months before the baby's birth her mind had been locked away, she could access the thoughts and the memories but she couldn't process them properly, and it was only now that the weight had been lifted and she had fallen head-over-heels in love that she could finally see everything clearly. She was going to have to tell them, once she got them all together. It wasn't fair to keep the information she had to herself, and she knew all too well that she was never going to get over the rape properly until she admitted the truth about the Phoenix Movement. She was going to have to be brave one last time.

Sighing to herself, Nikki reached over to the bedside table for a glass of water, frowning when her fingers brushed against something flat, hard and unexpected. She picked it up, curious, finding it to be a thin black notebook, filled with Harry's spidery scrawl. Settling down against the pillows, Nikki opened it to the first page and began to read.

**-9.32am**

"Nikki!" Sara Laurence exclaimed as she rushed into her friend's hospital room a short while later, her long hair flying wildly over her shoulders and her eye make up slightly smudged, as though she had applied it in a mad rush, a plastic carrier bag slung over her arm, a large bunch of roses, gerberas and Michaelmas daisies in the other hand and a pink helium balloon baring the words 'it's a girl!' trailing behind her. "Niks, Harry called me this morning; it sounds like you've had a rather rough night of it. But congratulations! Harry told me you're keeping her?"

"Yep, that's right," Nikki replied, leaning back against the pillows as another bout of light-headedness hit her. "Sorry, I just…"

"Oh for goodness sakes stop apologising, you've just had major surgery!" Sara insisted light-heartedly, dropping the carrier bag and the balloon to the floor and leaning over to give her friend a hug. "C sections are bad enough from what I remember; I dread to think how you must be feeling after all that. Harry told me," she explained, suddenly serious and knowing Nikki would get the message and realize what she was talking about. "How are you holding up?"

Nikki shrugged. "I'm OK. Not having any more children doesn't bother me that much at the moment, not now I know I've got her; it might do later I guess, but not now. It's quite painful, but I'm OK."

Sara smiled sympathetically. "What have they got you on?"

"Some kind of morphine, I think. I can't feed her while I'm on it, but I can't do that anyway until she's able to suck properly- she's getting fed from a syringe at the moment." There was a hint of worry and guilt in her voice; something which didn't go unnoticed by Sara.

"Hey," Sara said softly, perching on the edge of the bed and wrapping her arm around Nikki's shoulder, the bunch of flowers resting across her lap. "She's going to be OK, you know. If she's anything like you, there's no way she's giving up easily. Anyway, where do you want these? They're your favourite, right? Have you got a vase anywhere?"

"Bathroom, under the sink," Nikki told her. "And they are my favourite, thank you."

"Don't mention it!" Sara called from the bathroom, emerging a few minutes later with the flowers now inside a large white vase, which she placed on the window sill. "Sorry about the balloon, I made the crucial mistake of taking the kids with me shopping- Pieter's caught a case. The kids are downstairs by the way, I think Harry and the others are nearly back over here and Zaretta insisted on meeting them before she came up, God knows why, but that's teenagers for you Niks, I tell you, make the most of this time now while you can, before yours gets to that stage. Oh, I'm joking, it's not all that bad! Anyway, have you thought of any names yet? I guess all this has come out of the blue a bit for you?"

Nikki laughed; Sara always found a way to cheer her up, no matter how bleak the situation seemed. "You could say that. As for names… I don't know. She looks like my mum though Sara, she reminds me so much of her, so I was thinking of naming her after her in some way, but… I don't know… giving her the same name seems a bit morbid, somehow."

"Celin, right?" Sara confirmed, sitting down next to the bed and beginning to think. "Celine? Or Celina, however you spell it over in England. "Sabrina? Sabine? Could that work?"

"I don't know," Nikki sighed. "I thought this was supposed to be the fun part."

"It is!" Sara assured her. "You're just feeling overwhelmed, that's all. Has anyone else made any suggestions?"

"Well, Harry's as good as named her for me…" she began, before laughing at the puzzled expression on her friend's face and handing Sara the notebook by way of an explanation.

Sara studied it for a while, flicking carefully through the pages and squinting as she tried to make out Harry's handwriting, her face breaking into a grin. She didn't linger on Harry's as-good-as confession of love to her friend, suspecting that Nikki hadn't reached that part yet, or else she wouldn't have handed the notebook over so readily.

"That," she told Nikki, "Is quite possibly the sweetest thing I have ever read. Ever. You're lucky to have Harry, you know that?"

"Oh I know," Nikki told her. "Believe me, I know. God only knows where I'd be now if it wasn't for him."

Sara just smiled knowingly. "And you do realize he's just solved your name problem?"

"No Sara, I'm not calling her 'Joy'," Nikki sighed. "For starters, Harry's head would barely fit through the doorframes; he'd be so full of himself. But she's already got a middle name; Rose. Or possibly I might name her after Martha, I don't know. And as much as it suits her, 'Joy Rose Alexander' sounds a bit stunted, don't you think?"

"Ah, but that wasn't what I was suggesting!" Sara smiled. "You said you wanted to name her after your mamma, remember?"

Nikki frowned, confused. "So?"

"So you put the two together Niks, that's what! Joycelin. Joyce-lin. Joycelin Martha Rose Alexander, does that work for you?"

Nikki thought about it for a moment, trying the name out in her head. Joycelin. Joycelin Alexander. It worked, it felt right, somehow. It allowed her to name her daughter after her mother, both of her mothers, yet to give her an identity of her own at the same time. Joycelin Alexander… Then a broad grin spread across her face as she moved to hug Sara.

"That definitely works! Oh Sara, you are a genius! You realize you just named my daughter?"

"No," Sara replied honestly. "Because I didn't, not really, I just put the pieces together. Harry named her."


	77. Die olifant en die naaldekoker

**Here's chapter 76 :) And huge hugs to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: emmaJ1996, tigpop, lauren, gemS, lizzi and doctorwhofanatic_2010- love you all, and I'm glad you like the name :) I wasn't sure it was the sort of thing Nikki would name her daughter, but I'm glad you like it and I think the meaning works, so I guess that's mission accomplished! **

**A bit more fluff in this one, before the next chapter gets more serious :( Don't forget to review, and there will be something new up tomorrow, either a one-shot or a new chapter of this, whichever my muse feels like :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**PS. One last thing, the title is Afrikaans for 'The elephant and the dragonfly'. xx**

**Chapter 76**

**Die olifant en die naaldekoker**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-9.49am**

"How are you feeling?" Harry asked as he arrived back in Nikki's hospital room, closely trailed by Sara's children, Zaretta, who had come looking for him to reclaim her present for Nikki's baby so she could give it to Nikki herself, and Sara's two sons Ethan and Callum. Martha, Leo and Janet had gone out shopping, saying they would stop by later, and he knew Pieter had plans to drop in as soon as he could escape from work. For someone with no family so to speak of, Nikki wasn't doing badly visitor-wise.

"A bit better," she replied, smiling, and glancing at Sara who was sat beside her before continuing. "She's got a name."

"Really?" Harry said excitedly. "Come on then, tell me!"

"Joycelin," Nikki told him, smiling slightly. "Joycelin Martha Rose Alexander."

"You've been reading the letters," Harry realized. "Listen Nikki, about them, I didn't mean…"

"Harry, that doesn't matter," she said softly, and Sara tactfully moved aside, turning to greet her children in order to give them some space. "And anyway, I thought it was sweet. It's only thanks to you that she's got a name, you know, so I'm hardly going to complain, am I?"

"Fair enough," said Harry, relaxing and smiling now. "I was a bit worried about how you might react though, I must admit."

Nikki frowned. "Then why leave it lying around where you knew I was going to find it?"

"Martha's suggestion," Harry explained sheepishly. "Something about making you see that you won't be alone, that you've got friends around you to help every step of the way."

"Well it worked," she told him. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. And it's a beautiful name, by the way, it definitely suits her." Then he grinned mischievously. "Almost as much as 'Nicola Aleydis' suits you. Ow!" he protested, as his latest comment was met with a slap. "What was that for? I gave you a compliment there!"

Nikki groaned. "Right, I'm banning any further use my full name. As of now. And I am going to kill Martha when I next see her."

Harry studied her for a moment. When he had left the notebook containing his letters to Joy- Joycelin, he was going to have to get used to calling her Joycelin- he had forgotten about the part at the end of one of the letters which practically declared his love for her. Had she read that part? Her face wasn't giving anything away, so maybe she hadn't. But if she had… god, that was going to make things awkward between them.

"You can come in you know!" Nikki called to Sara and her children, who had been lurking in the doorway, moving swiftly on from the uncomfortable thoughts as though she had known exactly what Harry was thinking.

"Nikki!" Zaretta called happily, bounding into the room and jumping carefully onto the end of the bed, closely followed by Ethan and Callum. "Congratulations, Nikki! I've got you a present, well, the baby a present!"

"What?" Nikki asked, suddenly overwhelmed. "Oh Zaretta… you didn't have to!"

"She insisted," Sara told her.

"Open it!" Zaretta instructed her, holding out a small pink box.

Nikki took it slowly, untying the ribbon wrapped around it and opening the box to reveal the bangle; a tiny gold band with a dragonfly embellishment at the top, almost identical to the one on her own necklace. And for once in her life, Nikki was left speechless.

"Zaretta…oh Zaretta, I don't know what to say. It's lovely, thank you," she said, reaching over to give the teenager a hug. "You didn't have to, you know."

"But I wanted to," Zaretta told her. "It matches your necklace. And it's expandable, so she can wear it when she's older too."

"It's perfect," Nikki agreed. "I'm not sure it's going to fit her yet, but she'll be wearing it as soon as it does, OK?"

Zaretta nodded eagerly. "Do you have a picture of her? Mum says only immediate family can visit while she's still in the neonatal ward."

"No I don't," Nikki sighed. "I've only seen her once myself."

"I'll take you to see her again a bit later," Harry promised. "And we can take some pictures then."

She smiled gratefully. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," he told her, holding out a plastic carrier bag. "And that's for you. Well, not really, technically it's for Joycelin, but somehow I don't think she's going to be able to open it herself."

Nikki rolled her eyes and accepted the package from him, then stopped and frowned. "When on earth did you have time to buy this?" She looked between Harry and Zaretta suspiciously. "Either of you?"

"Um… well…" Harry began, not quite sure how to handle this one, and more than grateful when Zaretta stepped in to save them both.

"Because it was obvious you loved Joycelin really, you just didn't want to admit it," she said matter-of-factly. "Why is it adults are so useless at admitting the way they feel?"

"I think it's an age thing. Just you wait Zaretta; your children will be asking you exactly the same question in 20 years," Harry said hurriedly, anxious to move on out of the danger zone. "Now come on Nikki, open! I'm rather proud of that, I must say."

"OK, OK, I'm opening it!" Nikki laughed, beginning to rip at the paper as slowly as possible. "It's so nicely wrapped, it seems a shame to spoil it…"

"Oh for goodness sakes Niks, stop teasing him and open it!" Sara told her pretending to be cross with her.

"Yes Mum," Nikki played along, laughing as she ripped the paper off the package, pulling out the contents. And suddenly she was lost for words. Lost for words, and sure of one thing: that Harry Cunningham was the best friend she could ever hope to have, as long as she lived.

The parcel contained an elephant: a small, plush greyish-lilac elephant calf, its ears large enough to confirm that it was indeed an African elephant, strikingly similar to the one she could remember being so attached to as a child herself. What had happened to that? She couldn't remember. But more to the point, how had Harry known about it, how had he known how much her own had meant to her during her childhood? And how had he managed to find such a perfect replica for her daughter?

"How…" she stuttered, looking up at Harry in bewilderment. "How did you…? Did you know…?"

"Martha showed me yours a couple of weeks ago," Harry explained. "She's still got it- in a box of your old things from your childhood you left behind when you moved, I think. And then I saw this one in a shop when I was out buying you that nail varnish, and I just… I don't know. It reminded me of you and Joycelin, I guess. Listen, I'm sorry if I got the wrong idea, I-"

But before he could finish, Nikki was throwing her arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug, and all his doubts were gone.

"Harry, it's perfect," she told him. "Absolutely perfect."

**-9.23am**

They were only supposed to be going upstairs to see the baby quickly, so they could take a photo for the others, who wouldn't be allowed into the neonatal ward to visit, but here they still were 20 minutes later. Nikki couldn't take her eyes off her, and Harry was hardly about to pull her away. The others would understand.

Joycelin Martha Rose Alexander lay fast asleep inside the incubator, dressed in a tiny pink baby grow Sara had bought her, the elephant sat down by her feet, and the small, thin hospital band around her wrist now bearing her name, rather than just 'baby girl Alexander'. Her mother's fingertip was clasped tightly in her small fist, as if trying to stop her from leaving any time soon; not that Nikki had any plans to do so. If Nikki had it her way, she was never leaving Joycelin's side again.

"We should probably go," Nikki stated, still staring down at her daughter and making no attempt to move.

Harry laughed. "Come on then. After you."

She shook her head sadly, serious now. "Harry, I don't want to leave her."

"I know," he sighed, squeezing her shoulders. "I know. But she's doing so well Nikki; we'll have her out of here in no time. It's hard, I do understand, but you've just got to be brave for a little bit longer."

She just nodded, gently extracting her finger from her daughter's grasp and allowing Harry to wheel her towards the door. 'I'll be back,' she promised her silently, stealing one last look over her shoulder as she was forced to leave her baby behind once more. 'As soon as I can.'


	78. Confessions

**I've come to grovel :/ I'm sorry, I meant to put this up last night, but revision kind of took over my evening :( But it's here now, and I'll get the next one up as soon as I've finished, which could be either today or tomorrow, depending on how much revision I get done. And reviews spur me on with the revision, so reviews=revision=new chapters :)**

**I'm afraid this one's starting to get a bit angsty, but it does have to :( Tigpop, I know, I don't want the storm to come either, that's why I've been working the future storyline in alongside the present one, because I didn't trust myself to go through with it otherwise! But again, I promise that this will have a happy ending :) You just need to keep reading through the angst, and the fluff at the end of the tunnel will come :)**

**Enjoy!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 77**

**Confessions**

**Sunday 31****st**** July 2011**

**-3.26pm**

"I need to tell you something."

Nikki's suddenly seriousness took everyone by surprise. It was mid-afternoon; Sara's husband Pieter had arrived about an hour previously, she had been forced to leave Joycelin for a few hours whilst a team of paediatricians and surgical specialists examined her knee, and Zaretta, Ethan and Callum had just been sent down to the hospital shop by Sara to process the photos of Joycelin from earlier, and so it was now that Nikki seized her chance, knowing that the longer she put this conversation off, the harder it was going to be.

"I've been…" she took a deep breath, bracing herself for what was to come. She didn't want to do this now, but it was the perfect time to do it. Everyone who had been involved with the Phoenix case was there; Harry, Leo, Janet, Sara and Pieter, as was Martha; which meant she wasn't going to have to say this more than once. She wasn't sure she had the strength to do that.

"I've been concealing vital information concerning the Phoenix shootings since January." She didn't dare look up; too terrified to see the looks of outrage and disgust she was certain would be there on everyone's faces. They had been slaving away in vain at this case for months, so many people had died since that night in January, and they might have been able to stop it, if only she had told them all the truth from the beginning. But she hadn't; her fear had prevented her from doing that. And now too many innocent people were dead for them to ever forgive her.

"I don't know what made me do it; I was scared, I guess, and it would have meant telling you about _him_, but then even when you knew I still couldn't bring myself to tell you, and I could lose my job over this and you're never going to want anything to do with me again-"

"Whoa, Nikki, hang on!" Harry protested, jumping up and sitting down next to her on the side of the bed. "What do you mean?" he asked, searching for her hand under the bedclothes. "What haven't you told us?"

"We won't get angry," Leo assured her. "None of this is your fault Nikki, we all know that."

"But…" she whispered, finally voicing the fear she'd been holding inside for months. "But if I'd told you this before… so many people would still be alive."

"But you don't know that, Nikki," Harry said firmly. "We'll never know that, and so you can't let yourself think about it, it'll just send you crazy. But what we do know is that man hurt you in ways we can't even imagine, and understandably that took its toll on you. So you can't be blamed for this; no one's going to hold you responsible. If anyone's to blame, then it's _him_. But you can stop this Nikki, you can help us catch him and put him away, and you can stop anyone else being hurt by him, OK? You just have to tell us what you know."

"But… but I never told you the truth, not even…" she looked at Martha, her face painted with guilt. "Even when I told you what happened I… I left out some details. I'm sorry, I just… I just couldn't."

"Niks, it's not your fault," Martha told her firmly. "No one is ever going to blame you for not speaking about this sooner, OK? Never. But you do need to tell us the truth now, or it's never going to get better, no matter how much time passes. So you've got to tell us. But you've got as much time as you need, and we're not going to judge you or blame you, we're just going to listen and help you get better. And it will get better Nis, it will. But only if you talk to us.

And so Nikki accepted a tissue from Martha, took a deep breath, and looked away as Pieter pulled out his notepad, ready to record everything she said to avoid it having to be repeated. She didn't want to go back to that night, but she had to. She had to.

**Sunday 9****th**** January 2011**

**-8.14pm**

It was a Sunday evening at the beginning of January; the second Sunday of the New Year to be exact, and the bar was practically deserted. Most people were at home, kept away by the prospect of a week's work ahead of them, but not Nikki Alexander. She was sat at the edge of the bar by herself, drowning her sorrows. Because she'd had the week from hell; even the festive season wasn't enough to stop the murderers of London in their tracks, or so it seemed. And her mood had hit rock bottom as a result.

It was difficult to pinpoint exactly where her depressive phase had begun, looking back, as she sat there over her second glass of wine in the past half-hour. Spending Christmas alone, she supposed, that wasn't exactly a recipe for happiness. It was the first time she'd done so, and undoubtedly not the last, and already she was dreading Christmas 2011. Nikki hadn't had a family Christmas since she was 18, the year she had moved out of her father's home in Guildford, but those Christmas days had been full of resentment and pain, as were most things involving her father. Festive seasons since then had always involved spending time with friends, either in South Africa or in London, but over the years their numbers had dwindled as everyone around her settled down with a family, until Christmas 2010 had arrived, and suddenly Nikki found herself alone; the only remaining of her circle of friends with no family to speak of, no boyfriend, no fiancé, no husband, no children… nothing. But she had been determined that she would not be a charity case. Harry must have picked up on something, because he'd asked her gently what her plans were for the festive season a week or so before Christmas, but she'd lied, told him she was staying with a friend. 'Was she sure?' he had asked, and he had invited her over to his mother's with him, should she change her mind. But she didn't; she was too proud for that. And so Nikki had spent Christmas Day alone in a decoration-less, quiet, lonely flat, hiding out of sight and pretending she wasn't there, that it was just a normal day. It hadn't worked though, it had just left her feeling unwanted and alone, and the case which had been called in to the Lyell Centre 2 days later had only worsened her mood.

It was a teenager; a teenage boy whom had gone missing on Christmas Eve on the way home from a friend's party, his mangled body discovered on the evening of the 27th December. It had been Nikki's night out on call, and although technically Leo was on semi-call too, meaning that Nikki could call him to help should she find the case too much for her to handle by herself; either physically or emotionally. But she hadn't of course, Nikki being Nikki. She hadn't wanted to interrupt Leo's Christmas with Janet, and she hadn't wanted him to think that she was weak, that she couldn't cope with the case by herself. And so she had struggled on alone, examining the body, the crime scene, well into the night until the sky turned inky blue and the stars were fading out, and still she hadn't been able to find an answer. Why? Why had it had to happen, and to someone so young too, whose life was only just beginning? But it had seemed as if no one could supply her with the answers she so desperately needed.

Nikki had been slaving away at the case ever since, following trail after trail in search of the truth, of the young man's murderer, but each possible lead had been met with a dead end. Until that day, Sunday 9th January, when finally she had finally cracked it. It had been the step-father. The poor boy's step father had murdered him in cold blood, and all because he had wanted the mother to himself, because she wouldn't think about starting a family with him when she already had her son. And if that wasn't pure evil, then Nikki didn't know what was.

And so that was why she was there; drowning her sorrows in alcohol on a quiet Sunday evening, wondering when the world had grown so evil. And as she was ordering yet another glass of wine from the bartender, she heard a harsh, clipped voice behind her, one she hadn't heard in years.

"Nikki? Nikki Alexander?"

She turned around, frowning as she tried to remember where she had heard the voice before. The man standing next to her was oriental, short, and about the same age as her own father, perhaps a little older. She didn't recognise him at first, but thinking about her own father, her childhood in South Africa, suddenly reminded Nikki of where she had seen the man before. She remembered his children now: they had moved into a neighbouring house when she was about 6. Her parents hadn't liked the family, and had constantly warned her to steer well clear of the children, but Nikki could never understand why. She had just been glad of some company of her own age in close proximity; someone to play with when her parents were absorbed in work. Yes… she remembered now.

"Bai?" she asked. "Bai Lưu, wasn't it?"


	79. What he did Part 1

**Here's the next chapter :) I've broken this one down into parts because it was turning into the longest chapter ever, and you were going to have to wait a few days to have it, as it's still not finished :( So I've broken it into sections of Bai's story, and that way you can have more frequent updates :) And the next few chapters also contain a few hints as to how a certain character links into all this, but I'm not telling you who, because that would give the game away! ;)**

**Thank you so much to lizzi, Amy, gemS and Lauren for your reviews, love you all and so glad you're still reading this :) Please keep reviewing, and if anyone out there hasn't reviewed yet/ for a while, now is the time :)**

**Hope you like,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 78**

**What he did**

**Part I**

**Sunday 9****th**** January 2011**

**-8.29pm**

"_Bai?" she asked. "Bai Lưu, wasn't it?"_

"That's right," Bai smiled broadly. "South Africa, 1983, '84 or thereabouts. You remember?"

"I didn't," Nikki admitted. "Not until I saw you."

"I'm not surprised, considering we haven't clapped eyes on one another for so long. Almost 30 years, isn't it?"

"That's right," Nikki confirmed, doing the maths quickly in her head. God, that really did make her feel old. "How did you even recognise me?"

Bai shrugged. "Just had a feeling I'd seen you somewhere before. And you haven't changed that much, you know. That's a compliment, by the way."

"Thank you. So… what are you doing out here then? It's a long way from home."

"Home doesn't really exist anymore, hasn't since before you were born. It's a long story," he sighed. "I go where I can, or rather where I have to. But I'm here in London to see Sanne really; do you remember Sanne, my daughter? The two of you were quite close for a while, weren't you?"

"That's right," Nikki remembered. "We lost touch though, when I moved away… so does Sanne live in London now?"

Bai nodded. "Not far from here, in fact. I'm over here on business at the moment and I thought I'd drop in, but it turns out she's not going to be home for a while. Do you mind if I join you?" he asked, slipping onto the bar stool next to her when she nodded. And poor Nikki, being the trusting person that she was, didn't notice his hand pass over her wine glass as he sat down, a small white tablet dropping into the liquid. She didn't see what was coming.

"So what are you doing in London, then?" Bai asked, leaning back against the bar and turning to order a drink from the bartender, before Nikki replied.

"I live here now," she told him. "I'm a forensic pathologist."

"Impressive," Bai remarked. "I bet your parents are proud."

"Well, they're not actually around anymore," Nikki explained with a sigh. "My mother died- almost 20 years ago now- and my father… well, let's just say he went off the rails a little."

"I'm sorry," Bai said with feeling, and then paused, a trace of pain now evident on his face. "I haven't been having the easiest time of it myself lately, family-wise. My wife- you remember my wife don't you –Lan? She and I have just gone through a rather messy divorce."

Now it was Nikki's turn to offer her condolences. "I'm sorry to hear that." She stopped, remembering all the times she had escaped over into the Lưus' back garden as a child. "She was nice, Lan. I always liked her."

"I think everyone did," Bai sighed. "But you don't want to be hearing this, do you?"

"No, no it's fine," Nikki insisted. "It's not like I have anywhere better to be."

"Me neither," Bai said. "Look at us, sat at a bar on a Sunday evening, and it's not even 9 yet. I don't suppose…" he stopped, looking at Nikki pleadingly. "I don't suppose I could come back to yours for an hour or so, just until Sanne gets back from wherever she is? It just seems so depressing, spending a Sunday evening alone at a bar, doesn't it? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked…"

"No, you're right," Nikki told him. "That's fine, you can come back to mine for a while if you want." She wasn't entirely sure why she had agreed to it; normally she was rather picky about whom she allowed back to her flat, but somehow she felt… strangely laid back, care-free. With hindsight, she would realize it was some kind of drug beginning to take a hold over her, but in the heat of the moment she had no idea. And the next thing Nikki knew, she was leading Bai out of the bar and back to her apartment, with no idea of what was to come.

"I don't know what to do, Nikki," Bai announced suddenly, causing his host to look up in surprise. She had just been on her way out to the kitchen and to offer him a coffee, but there was something in his voice which caused her to sit back down opposite him on the sofa, concerned.

"What do you mean?"

"I've messed up Nikki, big time," he told her again, and even in her addled state, Nikki could have sworn she saw a trail of silent tears rolling down his cheeks. "I thought I could stop it, I thought there was a way of saving everyone, but it didn't work. They were too weak, all of them. And I didn't see it; I went and cost them their lives. You don't have a clue what I'm talking about, do you?" he sighed, looking up at Nikki's confused expression. "Listen, can I use your bathroom? I'll be back in a minute, I'll explain then."

So Nikki sat there patiently, waiting for his return, and trying to block out the pounding of her head. It was strange; just a few minutes ago she had felt fine, and suddenly this had come out of the blue, something between a headache and a migraine that she just couldn't seem to ignore. 'You're just tired,' she told herself. 'You're just tired; it's been a long week, after all. Just listen to Bai for a bit, calm him down, and then you can turf him out off to Sanne's and get some sleep.'

"Sorry," Bai sighed, stepping back into the lounge area and collapsing onto her sofa. "I'm so sorry about this, I really am."

"No, it's fine. So what is it? What's happened?"

"I lied to you Nikki," Bai sighed, his voice filled with bitter regret. "I lied. Sanne's dead."

"What?" Nikki exclaimed. "My god, I… I'm so sorry. What happened?"

"No Nikki, you don't get it. Sanne's been dead for years. 17 years, almost as long as your poor mother. And Michael and Lukas too, her brothers," he continued, ignoring the look of horror on Nikki's face. "And you know the worst of it? It was my fault. It's my fault they're dead."

"I don't…" Nikki began, unable to put her emotions of that moment into words. "I don't understand. So why did you tell me you were meeting Sanne? I don't understand."

"Because I needed you, Nikki!" Bai protested. "I needed you to listen; I needed someone to talk to about all this! You never knew me really, back in South Africa, but you knew Sanne. I had to draw you in somehow."

Nikki shook her head frantically; every fibre of her body telling her this was a bad, bad idea.

"I think you should leave," she told him, her voice shaking. "Now."

"Make me."

Furious, and yet ever-so-slightly afraid, Nikki moved to get up off the sofa, to push him towards the door and force him out of her flat. But as she stood up, her head began to spin, her legs buckled beneath her and she fell to the floor, panic beginning to set in. What was happening to her?

"It's just temporary, it'll wear off in an hour or so," Bai told her, standing up and kicking her in the stomach, laughing as she tried to cry out in pain, but no sound came out. "It affects the cerebellum– the part of the brain which controls coordination and muscle function- but I guess you already know that, Dr Alexander," he smiled evilly, taking in Nikki's panicked expression. "So for an hour or so, you can't get away from me, and you can't fight back, which means I can unload onto you. And by the time I'm finished, this won't be my problem anymore. It'll be yours."


	80. What he did Part 2

**Here's part 2 :) Before I continue, I should just say that this story is entirely fictional, and although some of the information about NK as a country itself is true as I have been taught it, I accept that I know little about politics, and the Phoenix Movement is entirely fictional, created for the sole purpose of this story. **

**This one tells you more about the Phoenix Movement itself, and next chapter we'll move onto the grand plan which went horribly wrong… Thank you so much to everyone still reading and reviewing: Lauren, Amy, Lizzi and gemS, love you all and please keep the reviews coming :) Lauren- thanks for the congrats, Tigpop- well done for working out about Lan! And GemS- lol, if she does, let me know and I'll be right out there! Haven't been there for soooo long :(**

**Enjoy, and I'll try and get the next one up tonight,**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 79**

**What he did**

**Part II**

**Sunday 9****th**** January 2011**

**-9.38pm**

"It's a long story really," Bai sighed, sitting back down on the sofa and stretching out across it lengthways. "But it starts in Vietnam, I suppose. You knew Lan and I grew up in Vietnam, didn't you?" He smirked again, studying Nikki's expression. Her face was a picture of shock and horror, as if she couldn't quite believe the sudden turn of events.

"I'll assume that's a yes. But I bet you don't know the story behind the Vietnam War, not really. That was over and done with before you were even born. My country hasn't existed for 36 years, not since the end of the war, not since South Vietnam got swallowed up into the North. But you don't know about any of that. So let me explain, just briefly, so you understand why all of this happened. After the Second World War, Vietnam was split in half by the allied forces, into North and South, and given 2 separate governments. The city Lan and I lived in- Ho chi Minh City- became the capital of South Vietnam. We were capitalists, like in this country, and the North was communist. My people disagreed with the communist way of life, but we accepted that was what they wanted. We wouldn't have tried to change it; it was their decision, not ours.

"But the North Vietnamese tried to change us, Nikki. They invaded us; they tried to take over, to claim our half of the country for their own. So we fought. We fought to the end, but they were too strong for us, Nikki. Even the Americans couldn't help us, they couldn't stop the invasion, and in the end Ho Chi Minh City fell to the north. I was there Nikki, I was in the army, I fought in that final battle, before we were forced to surrender.

"After that, South Vietnam and its freedoms were gone forever. Lan and I couldn't stay in Vietnam; after the part we played in the final battle before the fall of South Vietnam, the new communist government had us on their 'most wanted' list. So we ran. There was a group of us, and we could see there was no hope for Vietnam, so we fled to China. We ended up living near the North Korean border; we'd heard a lot of rumours about the communist dictatorship being run out there, but we wanted to see for ourselves. We had seen back home the damage, corruption and lies which come hand-in-hand with communism, and those countries who choose to follow it are always trying to take others by force. We couldn't enter into North Korea of course, nobody can, but we met several defectors as they passed into China across the Tumen River, and we heard enough to know that life out there was terrible. We had already lost our own country, and we didn't want anyone else to suffer at the hands of evil dictators."

Bai stopped and turned away from Nikki for a moment, pulling up his jumper sleeve, before turning back to her and shoving his left forearm in her face. Nikki tried to cringe away, but her body just wouldn't react. And so she lay there, terrified, as he flashed his tattoo; an inky black phoenix, wings spread wide, rising above a blazing fire.

"We created an underground society," Bai was explaining, pulling his jumper sleeve down again. "The Phoenix Movement- that's its English name. Our aim was to wipe out communism in South East Asia, and you can laugh all you like Dr Alexander, you can tell me we set our sights way too high, but we were going to make a difference! We started off with such good intentions, and that was all very well, but after a few months we realized that it wasn't quite as simple as we had first thought. We'd all been soldiers in Vietnam; we were used to storming in and fighting for change. We thought if we could gather together enough defectors, we could just march in there and lead a major protest, get someone's attention and inspire change, like the revolutions we were hearing about in Eastern Europe. But it wasn't that simple, or else someone would have already done it, I suppose. I realize that now. It's just a pity nobody know it at the time.

"The trouble with North Korea is that half the place is deserted. I mean, how are you supposed to attack a government that lives a world away, so cut off from the rest of the country that nobody even knows where they are? How can you stage a protest in a country with no government officials within miles of ordinary citizens, with all its news reports censored to the letter, no CCTV, no support from a terrified population, no recognition, no nothing? It was a nightmare. It took us the first 2 months we were there just to work out how to cross the border into the damn country without getting shot by the border guards, and even once we'd found a safe spot to cross the Tumen River and managed to get into Chongjin, a nearby city, or rather a wreck of one, we had no idea what to do next. The people there seem to walk around in a trance; they know their country's collapsing as they watch, but they've been brainwashed to the point where they think life in the rest of the world is a hundred times worse. They think they owe everything to their Great Leader; that everything's as good as in can ever get. And as for the ones who see through the lies and corruption, they just want to get out, they don't care about starting a revolution. Everyone we spoke to said it would be impossible to change anything; that aside from the fact that almost the entire population would give up their lives to crush an uprising, that's how dedicated to the Kim dynasty they were. All this was back in the 1970s, well before Chinese goods started finding their way into the Chongjin black markets, before North Koreans realized their whole lives had been a lie. So the Phoenix Movement had no way of making a difference, no way of saving others from a fate worse than our own. And we didn't know what to do.

"So we did all we could. We bought an old farm building in a Chinese village near the border, used it as a basecamp for the Phoenix Movement. We were there for years, smuggling food over the border when the North Korean supplies ran out but the government wouldn't trade with the outside world, pretended that everything was fine. We set up an Underground Railway, helping those who saw things in Chongjin for what they really were to defect into China. Once we got them out we'd let them stay with us for a couple of months, in exchange for information as to what was really going on across the border, any rumours they might have heard about the Kim dynasty. We managed to persuade a number of them to become part of the Phoenix Movement, but some of them we had to let go. We stayed in touch though; and most of them managed to build reasonable lives for themselves in the outside world. So we were making a difference, I suppose, but not enough of one. Why couldn't we think of anything better, Nikki?" he shouted, lashing out at her again as if this was all her fault. "Why was there nothing we could do, no way of getting into the imperial palace, let alone finding out where it was? Why did we have to resort to such desperate measures to try and save a country? And why did so many people have to die?"


	81. What he did Part 3

**Sorry this one took longer than planned, but it's quite a sensitive one and I wanted to get it right :) And horrible GCSEs got in the way :( Thank you to Lizzi, GemS, Amy and Lauren once again for your reviews, please keep them coming, and I'll get the next one up as soon as possible, but let me know what you think first :) Just to confirm, I'm not actually going to write the rape scene, partly because I don't want to have to put the rating on this up, partly because I know there are people reading this who have had experiences similar to Nikki's in this fic and I don't want to make you read about something like that, and partly because I don't feel comfortable writing about it and don't want to write about something so sensitive and do a bad job. So that scene will be left out, but I don't think it should have a bad impact on the story xx**

**Hope you like, **

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 80**

**What he did**

**Part III**

**Sunday 9****th**** January 2011**

**-9.56pm**

Nikki was petrified. It was almost 2 hours since she had met Bai Lưu, almost 2 hours since Bai had presumably slipped her some kind of drug, in her drink probably, and yet she still had no control over her own body. 'It'll wear off in an hour or so,' that's what Bai had said. But what did he know about complex medical drugs? He wasn't medically qualified; what if he'd overdosed her on it? What if she remained there, lying paralyzed on the floor long after Bai had left, after he had 'unloaded his troubles' onto her? She wouldn't be able to call anyone for help; she'd be stuck there until the drug wore off. If it wore off. Oh god, what was she going to do?

"It's a shame, really," Bai sighed, spreading out across Nikki's sofa once more. "That drug can paralyse your muscles, but it can't do a thing about your tear ducts." Up until that moment, Nikki hadn't even realised she was crying.

"But I was telling you about how this whole nightmare started, wasn't I?" Bai continued, smirking at her again.

"So there we all were, camping out on the Chinese-North Korean border, a bunch of do-gooders with no way of doing any good. And then one day- in the early 1980s perhaps, I can't remember- I helped a man named… no, his name doesn't matter. But anyway, so we helped this man to defect out of North Korea. He stayed with us for a few months, and the two of us got to know one another. This man was the first North Korean I'd met who was as passionate about transforming the country, about making a difference to the lives of those still inside the country. We clicked immediately; we became very close. He signed up to the Phoenix Movement at the end of his first few months with us, and I told him how desperately we wanted to bring capitalism to North Korea, or even to reunite the whole of the Korean Peninsula as one country, but we couldn't find a way of getting close enough to anyone powerful to take any action against them, if you know what I mean. We had considered trying to get some of our key activists into the security business, with the aim to have them guard the imperial palace, or wherever the government lives, I don't know, we never found out. The trouble is, North Koreans get picked to do that kind of job when they're about 8 and pulled out of school for special training, so there was no way of doing that. We were stumped.

"But when the senior Phoenix members, Lan and I, namely, told our new defector friend about this, he said that he had visited the North Korean government houses himself. We were baffled, as I'm sure you can imagine. We'd spent years trying to figure out a way into that place, and here was someone who had already been there, who spoke about as casually as I'd ever heard someone speaking about life in a communist place. And you can call me biased all you like-"he said angrily, and Nikki guessed something of her confusion must have been evident on her face. Because to her, Bai was just coming across as plain prejudiced; who was he to decide how other countries wanted their government to operate? The way he spoke about the whole situation screamed 'biased' at her; OK, so the western world had been told many stories about life in North Korea, but how could anyone possibly know what was true and what wasn't without going into the country itself? She didn't know- she didn't know enough about the situation to make a reasonable judgement, but she did know that Bai's desire to wipe out communism was based purely on him losing his homeland to communist North Vietnam, nothing else. So who was he to get so obsessive, to make everyone else's business his own? She didn't know. All she knew was that his presence terrified her, and she wanted him out of her flat. But she couldn't do a thing about it.

"So where was I? Yes, I remember, so this defector we'd befriended told us how he'd been in to visit the government officials when he was a child. He'd been something of a musical prodigy back in North Korea; he'd been pulled out of mainstream school and sent to some kind of music academy, where he'd been picked to perform to Kim Il-Sung himself in the early days of his spell in power, or so he said. And so our defector friend came up with this grand plan…" he sighed, cutting off and looking down at the floor, guilty and ashamed.

"Why did I do it, Nikki?" He asked angrily, kicking out at her again, in the back this time, so hard she was half expecting her spine to shatter. "Why did I agree to his stupid, selfish plan? Lan and I, we had only ever planned a protest, to bring about change within what already existed. Don't forget that the Phoenix Movement had been born out of the Vietnam War, formed by a group of South Vietnamese citizens who had fought for our country until the very end. We'd seen enough blood and death and destruction to last a lifetime; we certainly didn't want to bring about any more! We just wanted change, but the defector, he was talking about bloody assassination! He wanted to recruit children from the other side of the border, to train them up, get them accepted into the specialized academies back in North Korea. He thought if we could get them into the palace as entertainers, visitors to the government on the behalf of the children of Chongjin, as he had done as a child, then they would have an opportunity we could never dream of. He wanted us to send the children in to invade the place, to steal important documents, cause havoc, and then… and then assassinate every official in the place! Crazy, right? How the hell can you even think a plan like that would work, let alone expect a child to carry it out? The whole thing was crazy Nikki, completely and utterly crazy, and we told him so. But he had already found 3 children deemed 'suitable', smuggled them across the border and recruited them to the Phoenix Movement. He told Lan and I to look after them, to get them settled in before their 'training' began.

"Lan and I didn't agree with it, how could we? So we ran. We took the children and we ran, we left the country, travelled to South Africa and set ourselves up as a family, 2 doors down from you, as I recall, pretending the children were our own." He looked right into her eyes now, and Nikki was sure she could see the beginnings of tears in Bai's own. And suddenly she knew exactly what he was going to say next.

"You knew the first 3 phoenix children as Michael, Sanne and Lukas, didn't you? We were there for about 2 or 3 years I think, in South Africa, playing happy families. We almost forgot about the Phoenix Movement, can you imagine? I suppose it was always there, at the backs of our minds, but we ignored it, we convinced ourselves that it wasn't our problem anymore. There was no way we were sending innocent children into one of the most heavily guarded countries in the world on what would almost certainly be a suicide mission, end of. Lan and I thought that the defector in question would see sense eventually, that he would realize how crazy his plan was and come up with something else. And so we spent those years in South Africa in blissful ignorance, enjoying life as a family with no idea as to what was to come.

"Then one day, 1986 I think it was, they came for us, the Phoenix Movement. A group of members, thugs really, turned up on our doorstep, said they would kill us if we didn't get down to Cape Town Airport immediately, and catch the next flight to China, from where they would take us back to the Phoenix base. And they would have done it as well; they would have killed us without a second thought. So we went with them. We had to.

"We were met by the defector when we arrived back at the Phoenix base. He was angry, furious even, but I suppose we must have been expecting that. But we could never have expected him to get quite so mad. He exploded, said we'd betrayed him, we'd betrayed the Phoenix Movement, and we'd betrayed our country, our homeland, in giving up our fight against communism. But we didn't want to fight anymore, Nikki! We were done with fighting, we'd been given a glimpse of what life could be like as a family, and now that was all we wanted. And we told him so. And you know what he did, Nikki, when we told him that? He shot them, all three of them, shot them dead. He said that now we didn't have a family, we could get back to the Phoenix Movement, to our purpose in life, and he warned us that if we ever tried to escape again, he'd kill us too.

"So what could we do, Nikki? We had no choice, we had to stay there and carry out his plans, or we would have been killed too. And after everything we'd seen, we were afraid of death.

"And so it began. The defector began bringing children into the base; put various members in charge of training them up, both to get them into the specialized academies in Chongjin, and to prepare them for their 'mission'. That was when Lan and I began to argue. She said she would rather run and risk being assassinated than stick around and send innocent children to what would almost certainly be their deaths, but I was too weak, too terrified of dying, to dare try and escape. Lan wouldn't leave without me, so we stayed there. We stayed, and we helped train up god knows how many children, preparing them for their mission. I don't know exactly what the plan was; the defector dealt with that, but I do know that the poor children were terrified. But what could they do? They had nowhere else to go; most of them were orphans picked up from deserted corners of the Chongjin black markets. And they were too terrified of the defector, and of me, I suppose, to leave.

"Lan and I drifted apart. I was spending more and more time with the defector, trying to stay in his good books out of fear of what he would do to me if I didn't- I'm not sure I even remembered who I was towards the end of it. Lan became friendly with a couple a little older than us, who felt the same way about the Phoenix Movement and what it had become, but were too scared to leave, like us.

"Over the years the turnover of children coming in and out of the Phoenix base just got bigger and bigger. They'd be with us for 6 months maybe, a year at the most, before they'd get taken off back into North Korea, and none of them ever came back. Not once. There were rumours of course, but I didn't like to think about that, no one did. The only way we managed to get through those years was by not thinking about what was happening, by trying to pretend we were just teachers, just passing on various skills to the next generation. Sometimes it worked, but most of the time we just wanted to die, knowing the part we were playing in it all.

"Then one day, the whole thing hit loggerheads. Lan and the couple she'd befriended- Thi and Luc, were given two young children who had 'failed' the first stages of their training, and told to dispose of them. They couldn't do it, so they sent the children to an orphanage in former South Vietnam, hoping they'd be safe there. They were adopted last year, according to Phoenix intelligence, and now live just up the road from here, Isabella and Oliver Greenfield, I think they're called. They were kept together because the orphanage thought they were siblings- I guess that's something.

"At around the same time, a group of volunteer teenagers who'd been with the Phoenix Movement for a year or so overheard something they shouldn't concerning the mission with the children. The defector sent me and some others to hunt them down, saying they knew too much to be allowed to live, but fortunately for them, them and their families managed to escape across the Tumen River into China, and before we knew it, we'd lost them. They live in London too now; Joshua Song, Eun-mei Kim and Michelle Yu.

"Unfortunately for me though, the defector went crazy, threatened to kill me too. And that was when Lan realized she had nothing left to lose. So she left and disappeared off the radar, I still haven't managed to track her to this day. The others though, they were far too easy to find. The Phoenix Movement have had me tracking their every move for months, and now…" he stopped, he voice filled with panic. "And now I've got to kill them. They're all meeting me in a local shopping centre tonight, thinking I've left the Phoenix Movement too, and… and I'm going to have to get rid of them Nikki."

And suddenly he turned.

"What did I do to deserve this, Nikki?" he screeched, slapping her across the face before grabbing her by the hair, slinging her over his shoulder and carrying her off to her bedroom, Nikki's heart suddenly filled with even more fear than before. "How did I become so powerless? But I'm not powerless, I'm not!" he insisted, throwing her down onto the bed. "I've been powerless before, I can't be again! I just can't! No, I'm not going to be powerless again!" he vowed. "I'm not, and I'll prove it, I swear I won't! And I'll prove it to you! I'll bloody prove it!"


	82. Aftershock

**I'm sorry, I know it's been a bit longer than normal, but I've been swamped with GCSE revision :( This one isn't very long either, but I wanted to get something up for you, and I should have more time to write you a couple of longer ones tomorrow and over the weekend :) Thank you so much to doctorwho_fanatic2010, amy, lizzi, lauren, timelove and gemS for your reviews, please keep them coming and I promise to get the next few chapters up here as soon as possible :) **

**This is the last chapter set back in January, and the next one will be set back in the present. And one last thing… I've got a oneshot vaguely written set around the time of Nikki's move to England as a teenager… can't tell you too much without giving the plot away, but would anyone be interested? Let me know and I'll get it up as soon as I've edited it if enough people want it :) And one last question; were we ever told how Nikki's mother died? If you know then please drop me a line, and if not I'll use my creative licence :)**

**Enjoy,**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 81**

**Aftershock**

**Sunday 9****th**** January 2011**

**-10.53pm**

She finally regained control over her body at getting on for 11 at night; just 10 minutes or so after Bai had left. She was still lying there, draped limply across the bed, knowing she could now move as much as she wanted but still too terrified and traumatized to do so. What was she going to do now? Oh god, what the hell was she going to do now?

It felt as if normal life had come to a sudden and sickening standstill. Suddenly she couldn't think, not even about the simplest of things, let alone about what she should do now. She needed to do something, she knew that much, she couldn't stay lying there forever, but what _could_ she do? 'Call Harry,' a tiny voice in the back of her mind was telling her. 'Call Harry, that's what you always do in this situation. He always makes you feel better, you know that. Call Harry.'

But she couldn't call Harry, she knew that much. Calling Harry would mean telling him what had happened, and she wasn't having anybody know about this, not now, not ever. She was too ashamed. What if everyone thought it was her own fault, what if they thought that she must have provoked Bai somehow in order to make him do what he did? How could she live with that? How could she go into work every day, look Harry and Leo in the eyes and see the disgust there at what she'd let happen? No, she couldn't do that. As far as Nikki could see, she had two options: either run, as far as she could from here and start a new life somewhere else where no one knew her, where she wouldn't have to face the sympathetic looks that screamed 'it's all your own fault you know, we just don't want to tell you that,' or she could stay here, carry on as if nothing had happened and hope that things would get back to normal. Even as she said it, Nikki realized that staying and denying the whole thing was her only true option. She couldn't run; she couldn't lose Harry and Leo, the only real family she had. She couldn't lose whatever tiny chance she might possibly have with Harry, sometime in the future. No, she was just going to have to stay and get on with it, to learn to live with what Bai had done to her and cover it up at the same time. How hard could it be? She'd done the same when her mother had died, she'd done the same when she was dragged kicking and screaming halfway across the world to a horrible cold country where she didn't fit in, she'd done the same after Ryan, after Anton, and she would do the same now. Nikki ignored the voice in the back of her head telling her that this was in a different league entirely, that it took women months, even years, to get over things like this, and that was with emotional support. She would be fine, she had to be. She couldn't let this beat her.

She managed to drag herself to A and E in the end, knowing that no matter what her course of action was going to be, she needed to get checked out, to be sure that nothing… that nothing… god, that didn't even bear thinking about.

She supposed she should be grateful that she was seen to relatively quickly, that she didn't have to spend too long left mulling things over by herself in the waiting room, but somehow she couldn't. It was as if she had been drained of all emotion, she just felt numb, and nothing seemed to matter anymore, not in the slightest. She was barely listening as the doctor on duty told her that the attack must have been horribly violent, barely took in the information she was given about the tablets placed in front of her; just having faith in them, grateful for somebody else taking control of the situation. The only time she really showed any sign of life was when the doctor offered her an appointment with the hospital counsellor.

"I don't need a shrink!" she had insisted, almost angrily. "I'm fine, I can cope!"

But the doctor didn't seem convinced. She just shook her head and asked Nikki if she had anyone who could pick her up, at which point something in her became defensive, and she lied, saying she'd been brought in by a friend, who was waiting outside for her. She didn't mention that she'd arrived by taxi; that she'd been so sore that she'd barely been able to make it down the stairs of her apartment block, and driving was certainly out of the question. She couldn't explain why, just that something within her didn't want to admit that she was all alone to the doctor. Or maybe she just didn't want to admit it to herself.


	83. Silent Release

**Sorry about the delay guys, GCSEs are taking over my life :( But am trying to keep the updates as regular as possible, and am aiming to have a new chapter up AT LEAST every 2 days, hopefully more. I hope you're not all losing interest :( Thank you to gemS, timelove, lizzi and Amy for your reviews, please keep them coming, and to everyone else, now is the time to let me know what you think of this! I need spurring on to get me through the revision, so I can write new chapters :)**

**As I got some interest for my oneshot idea I'm going to get editing on that tomorrow, so watch this space :) And with this story, you now have 2 options :) As you've probably gathered there is a lot of angst on its way, but there will be a happy ending at the end :) But the choice is this: would you like me to rush into the angsty part now and skim over Nikki and Joycelin recovering, etc, or would you like some more Harry/Nikki/Joycelin family time before the storm comes? Think I might know the answer but wanted to give you the choice, so let me know and I will take what you want to read into consideration :) And I'm guessing you all want Harry and Nikki to get together? ;)**

**Hope you enjoy, and please review!**

**Love Florencia xxx**

**Chapter 82**

**Silent Release**

**Sunday 31st July 2011**

**-3.54pm**

Nikki didn't even dare look up when she had finally finished her story. She couldn't bear to meet anyone's eyes, terrified of the look she was certain she would see there; a look of disgust and disbelief and even hatred, all directed at her for being so weak, for keeping a secret crucial to the Phoenix Case for so long, for letting Bai do the things he had done… the list was endless. She tried to halt the flow of tears, telling herself that crying over this, that it was just going to make everyone think she was even more pathetic than they already did, but the tears just wouldn't stop. Her breath was coming in short, sharp gasps and the room was starting to spin, and just as Nikki was beginning to despair, someone wrapped their arms tightly around her shoulders and pressed her against their chest, stroking her hair, while someone else sat on the other side of her was placing a tissue in her hand, telling her something softly in an attempt to calm her down, though she couldn't make out the words. Nikki just collapsed further into the person's chest- Harry's, she realized, no one else could make her feel so safe and protected- sobbing into his shirt and not even caring what anyone thought anymore. She just wanted to feel normal and happy again, that was all she wanted.

No, not normal exactly, she realized. Better than before, better than normal. She just wanted to take Joycelin out of the neonatal ward, for all her problems to be miraculously solved, to get back home and discover how to be a mother, and to… no, that could never happen. But that didn't matter, not as long as she had her baby. She had someone to love now, something certain in her life, but that something certain was lying, tiny and vulnerable, in a hospital incubator all alone, and she wasn't even allowed to visit her whilst she was being examined, which seemed to be 24/7. And that was what hurt the most, even more than the pain Bai had inflicted upon her, even more than the fear of how everyone was going to react to the bombshell she had just dropped on them. She didn't think anything had ever hurt more than this in her life.

"It's alright, Nikki it's alright," Harry was telling her over and over again, pressing down on her shoulders as her breathing refused to calm. "Come on, deep breaths, or you're going to get yourself into a right state. He can't hurt you anymore Nikki, I promise, OK? No one's going to let him hurt you ever again."

"So you don't hate me?"

"What?" Harry exclaimed. "Of course I don't hate you! No one does! Why would anyone hate you?"

"B-because…" she said frantically, trying to get the words out in between sobs. "Because I didn't tell you b-before, and if I had-"

"Nikki, you can't think about that," Leo was saying now from behind her, trying to make her see sense. "You just can't. Nobody else is thinking of it like that, nobody else is blaming you, and so you need to stop blaming yourself. You were in no state to talk about this before, everyone knows it, but it wasn't your fault, Nikki. Maybe…" he paused for a moment, and Nikki was almost certain she heard his voice wobble slightly. "And besides, how do we know that the police would have been able to catch him, even if we had known this before? He planned all this Nikki, right down to the last detail; he would have had a contingency plan to avoid getting caught. No one's going to blame you, not after everything that's happened, and you're certainly not going to lose your job over this, OK? I promise."

Comforted slightly by Leo's words, Nikki finally risked looking up. Harry was sat beside her on the bed, holding her half on his lap in what she guessed was an attempt to make her feel safe, his mere presence so calming and reassuring that she wished he would never let go. Leo was sat on a chair to her left, holding her hand and smiling at her gently, whilst the others were huddled opposite her on the chairs against the wall, watching her intently yet trying to look as if they weren't at the same time. But that didn't worry her; now Nikki had calmed down a little, she realized that the looks on their faces were not ones of disgust, but ones of concern and support. She wasn't alone, not anymore.

"It's going to be OK now," Pieter assured her, closing his notebook. "Nikki, I'm going to have to pass all this on to the police, and no doubt they'll want to send the information back to the British police too. But no one is going to hold you responsible for this, not us, not the police, not anyone. Had you been withholding information deliberately then you probably would be prosecuted, but under the circumstances and considering everything you've been through over the past few months, no one's going to blame you, Nikki. The police will just be glad you've been brave enough to tell us now, and we can use everything you've said to help find him and lock him up. So don't worry about it, OK? No one is going to be angry with you."

"I know," Nikki said softly, resting her head on Harry's shoulder as a wave of tiredness suddenly came over her, fighting to keep her eyes open. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it. I'm going to head down to the station now, report this to my superiors." He turned to Sara. "I'll see you at home, as soon as I can."

Sara nodded, kissing Pieter goodbye before turning back to Nikki.

"Niks, do you want us to go, let you get some sleep? You look exhausted; it hasn't even been 24 hours since you had Joycelin yet, and less than 12 since you woke up from major surgery."

Nikki just shook her head. "I can't sleep, not until I know she's OK."

Harry sighed. "Nikki you need to sleep, or else you're going to be in no fit state to process what the doctors tell you when they do finish examining her knee. I promise to wake you as soon as anyone appears, how about that?"

But Nikki just shook her head. "I can't sleep while she's still being examined, while I still don't know if she's going to be put through an operation! How am I supposed to relax when she's up there all by herself? What if she thinks I've abandoned her, that I'm not coming back?" She was starting to become hysterical now, suddenly voicing all the fears she'd been trying to push out of her mind all day. She had seen her daughter twice in the 12 hours since her birth and knew that few mothers got to spend much time with their baby during those first few days in premature care, but that didn't stop her feeling guilty. She had spent so much of her pregnancy resenting Joycelin, then so much time refusing to get attached to her, and now the guilt she felt regarding her actions was immense. Something within her heart seemed to ache whenever she was away from her baby, especially now, as she lay in an incubator being examined by a team of surgeons and knee specialists. No; she couldn't sleep until she was positive she was going to be OK, she just couldn't.

"Nikki…" Harry began to groan, but Leo cut him off.

"How about I go and try and find the doctors, see if they're ready to discuss any further treatments with you yet? Will you sleep when you know how she's doing? Just for a few hours, and we'll take you up to see Joycelin when you've had some rest. Is that a fair compromise?"

Nikki gave in; she was too tired and preoccupied with fears about her baby to argue.

"OK. But I mean it; I'm _not_ sleeping until someone's told me how she's doing."

"I know!" Leo laughed, standing up and heading for the door. "Believe me, I know!"


	84. Leaving

**Here we go, chapter 83 :) GCSES are killing me slowly and painfully :( But I have been working on the oneshot in my breaks, and it's almost finished. I'm trying to get some information about Nikki's childhood in partly to answer my own questions, but I think it's a bit too focused on that at the moment. I might end up writing a whole series of oneshots from various points in her life before she met Harry, but we'll worry about that when I've written the first one, shall we? :)**

**I think you all wanted more family time before Bai comes and ruins everything, so that's what will be happening next chapter. This one's another year of the rooster one, but I promise the next one gets back to more Harry/Nikki/Joycelin general cuteness :) Thank you so much to Amy, lizzi, Lauren, gemS and doctorwho_fanatic2010, please keep the reviews coming and I'll get the next one up here hopefully tomorrow, Wednesday at the latest :) **

**Love you all, (Especially if you review!)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 83**

**Leaving**

**Year of the Rooster**

_It's one of those cliché nightmares, the ones where you're screaming out for help but nobody hears you. Except it's not cliché at all. No one else could have this dream, because it's not purely based on imagination, it's a mixture of memories and fear and conscious thoughts. And it feels so real._

_I'm standing in a corridor: a long, wide corridor, decorated like this inside of a Shinto shrine, with elaborate oriental paintings and dragons, with scatterings of gold and lotus flowers. Various thick wooden doors stem off from the corridor, but they are all locked shut, as I know too well. There are no windows, so the only light is that coming from the dim yellow light bulbs hanging precariously from the ceiling. I'm alone, but I know that there are guards nearby, though they haven't realized I'm not where I'm supposed to be, not yet. But I know they will come looking for me, ruthlessly, when they do. Something about the scene makes me feel trapped and vulnerable and even though I know I'm only dreaming, I want to get out. I want to get out now._

_I'm looking around, taking in my surroundings and trying to figure out where I could possibly go, how I could possibly get out of there, when a shrill, chilling scream fills my ears, and even in the heat of the dream and the sub-consciousness of my mind, I can feel my blood run cold. I've heard that scream before, 3 years ago, though I didn't remember it until recently. My mum screamed like that the night she was taken away. _

"_Mama!" I'm screaming too now, running blindly down the corridor, trying to work out where her desperate cries are coming from. I reach the end of the corridor and am confronted with a T junction; two smaller and thinner corridors, both dark and dingy, branching off in opposite directions. I don't know which way to go. How am I supposed to know which way to go?_

_I can't think; the screams are making it impossible to focus on anything else. Making a quick, blind decision, I turn to my left and keep on running, but the screams start to get quieter and quieter the further I go. So I turn around and head off the other way, but still the cries are fading, and as I start to grow more and more desperate the fainter the sound becomes, until all I can hear is the frantic pounding of my own heart. I'm straining to see in the dinginess of the corridor, trying to work out if there's a door anywhere down her that I can try. Nobody ever comes down here, I know that much, it's something of a dead area of the imperial house, one which hasn't been occupied for decades. _

"_Mama?" I call again, feeling along the wall for a door, a gate, an archway… anything new that might lead off to wherever the screams were coming from. "Mama, waar is jy?" 'Where are you?'_

_But there's no answer. No wait… there is something, but it's not my mum's voice, and it seems to be coming from everywhere, echoing through every door, every passageway, through the floor, the ceiling… interrupting the dream just as it reaches critical point._

"_Joycelin! Joycelin!" And suddenly Lan Phom's voice is pulling me back to reality._

"Joycelin!" she hisses again, shaking my shoulders in an attempt to wake me up. "Josi come on, wake up!"

I sigh and force my eyes open, looking up to find Lan peering over me, fully dressed. But the room is completely dark, with not even a hint of sunlight evident at the window.

"Lan? What time is it?" I groan, stretching out across the bed and pulling off the duvet in an attempt to wake myself up.

"4.30," she tells me, grabbing my hand and pulling me off the bed. "Come on, I know it's early, but we need to get going. The sooner we can get out of here, the better."

"You want to trek through Cape Town alone at 4.30 in the morning?" I ask disbelievingly. "Are you crazy?"

"Probably," Lan replies, the tone of her voice telling me that there's no room for arguments. "Now come on, if you want to go home you've got to come now."

She's got my attention now; the mention of 'home' seems to do that better than anything else nowadays.

"OK!" I respond, beginning to get dressed, then pause. "So where is home exactly?"

"Well…" even in the darkness, I can see her cheeks flushing. "Well, I don't know. I was hoping we could work it out together."

"What?" I'm beginning to panic now. What if we can't find my mum, what if we can't work out where my home is? What will I do then?

"It's OK, I've got a rough idea. We know your mum's name, don't we? And we know she was a doctor, we know she lived in London-"

"London?"

"Yes, she told me once. I don't know if you remember but we rarely spoke, your mum and me, my English and Afrikaans were never up to much. I knew she lived in London though, I managed to understand that."

"So how are we going to get to London? Bai says they're much better at identifying fake passports in England, and I don't have a real one…"

"Neither do I, I never applied for a Vietnamese one when the Southern government collapsed, not that they would have given me one anyway. No, we're not going to try and get to England, it's too risky. We're going to try and find some of your mum's friends and relatives out here."

"But…"

"Come on Joycelin, it's this, or stay here for the rest of your life. Which would you prefer?"

"Well, to go home, obviously. I can't stay here with him, I just can't. But surely it would be easier to just go to the police? I mean, I must have been reported missing, right? Can't we just let the police sort everything out?"

But Lan has frozen at the very mention of the word 'police' shaking violently as fear takes her over.

"No! Joycelin whatever you do, you must never, ever tell the police anything about this, OK? Never! Can you imagine what would happen if the Phoenix Leader found out the police knew what we've been up to? He'd go crazy, Joycelin! He'd kill us all, and like the police would be able to stop him! Don't you see, the only way we can fight him is by doing it ourselves."

"You're going to fight him?" I stare at her in shock. Every single adult member of the Phoenix Movement hates the group leader; that much is obvious. But to fight him, to overthrow him? I've never known anyone even think about overthrowing the Phoenix Leader, never, not once in my entire involvement with it. It looks like things have changed a little since the last mission, the last time I was in the company of the Movement. It looks like finally, they might be prepared to fight to change things for the better.

Lan tenses. "That's the plan. We've been planning it for a while, a few of us, an underground movement within an underground movement. And you're right; we need to get you out of here, back to your mum. But you know too much, Joycelin. You know too much, and if he ever found out you'd escaped, he'd come and kill you; you know that. So that's why we have to act now, before he gets even more violent. But we can't do that while we're still here Josi, while your dad's still watching us. Which is why we have to go. We have to leave now. And you need to start thinking, really hard, about those 3 years you spent locked away with your mum. She must have told you something, you just don't remember it yet. But you need to remember. You need to remember, so I can take you home."


	85. Help

**Almost into exam season now, hence updates becoming every 2 days rather than every day :( Sorry, blame the British school system! Did you know British school kids are the most tested in the world? I just had to end up living here for GCSEs, didn't I? But I've managed to get a few oneshots written during my revision breaks, so I'll be uploading some of them over the next few days, if you want them :) Good luck to anyone done/doing/ about to do exams, hope you all get the results you deserve! Not so many reviews for my latest one though; if you haven't read/reviewed yet, please do! Lizziginne- the line in question was the one about the adoring 25 year olds, it was in one of the series 12 episodes, possibly 'the lost child'? **

**Thank you to Thyqua, Dinabar, Lauren, GemS, Em, Lizzi and Amy; you guys are keeping this story going :) Keep reviewing, and I'll get the next one up soon!**

**Love you all,**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 84**

**Help**

**Sunday 31st July 2011**

**-4.12pm**

"Excuse me!" Leo Dalton called down the corridor after Dr Groenewald, who was being closely followed by another, younger-looking male doctor. "Dr Groenewald!"

The doctor stopped and turned to look at him, recognising Leo at once and walking back to meet him.

"Leo! I was just on my way down to see Nikki. How's she doing?"

"She's holding up surprisingly well, but she's exhausted," Leo reported. "She's refusing to even consider getting some sleep until she knows how Joycelin's doing."

The doctor laughed. "I had a feeling she might. We'd better go and speak to her then, if that's what it takes to get her to sleep. So has she had any sleep at all since she came round?"

Leo sighed and shook his head. "She hasn't eaten anything either- keeps saying she feels sick."

"We'll have to threaten her with a food drip again then. She'll probably be better when we can get Joycelin out of the premature unit and in with her, at least that's what we're hoping. Do you know if Nikki wants to breast-feed her?"

"Um…" Leo flushed a deep shade of pink. "I don't know. Does it matter?"

"It could do, yes. Simply because she's so thin. She can't have been eating properly before she got brought into hospital and she hasn't been much better since she got in, plus she keeps turning down any offer of a nutrition drip, so she's actually lost weight throughout the pregnancy rather than gained any, and she wasn't huge to begin with. We've been worried about that for a while, as you know, so we checked her weight after her operation earlier, and she's just not going to be able to support a baby; she's barely keeping her own energy levels up. She's going to get herself put on an emergency ward if she carries on at the rate she going at and they won't let her have a baby with her down there. If she wants to get better, if she wants to have Joycelin with her as soon as she's out of the premature baby unit, then she needs to start eating properly."

"OK," Leo sighed again, knowing that task was going to be anything but easy. "And how about the baby? How's she doing?"

"I'll tell you all together," Dr Groenewald told him, pushing open the door to Nikki's room. "Oh, and sorry, this is Dr Marichura; he's the specialist who's been examining Joycelin's knee."

"Hi," Leo smiled, holding the door open for the 2 doctors as they stepped into the room. He still wasn't entirely sure whether the news they were about to deliver was going to finally allow him to breathe again or reinforce his fear and panic.

"Nikki, this is Dr Marichura, he's been examining Joycelin's knee," Dr Groenewald announced as she stepped into the room, and Harry felt his best friend lean further into his chest, as if afraid as to what the doctors were about to tell her. He squeezed her shoulders reassuringly, trying to get her to relax a little. Getting worked up before she even knew the outcome of Joycelin's examination wasn't going to help. The others had gone down to the cafeteria, wanting to give Nikki some space to talk to the doctors.

"How is she?" Nikki asked softly, the shaky tone of her voice not going unnoticed by Harry.

"She's doing remarkably well," Dr Marichura assured her. "She's very small, even for a 29 weeker, but otherwise she seems to be holding up pretty well. We're still not going to be able to let her out until closer to her actual due date, and until her weight's up to about 5 pounds, but in some ways that's good, because it means we can sort her knee out before she would be allowed home anyway. She should be fine," he continued, seeing the worry etched across Nikki's face. "She should be absolutely fine, but I'm afraid we are going to have to operate."

Nikki suddenly tensed, curling onto Harry's lap and letting out a soft sob; one she had been trying so hard to control.

"But she's… she's just a baby. She shouldn't even be born yet, and you're telling me she has to have an operation!"

"It's not ideal, no," the doctor told her gently. "But we've tried resetting her knee naturally, and it's just not holding. If we do this now, as soon as possible, she shouldn't have too many problems with it later. There's still a risk of it dislocating again," he explained, seeing the look on Nikki's face. "Unfortunately, there's very little we can do to completely prevent her having further problems with it in the future. But the sooner we can operate and get her knee back into place, the lower the risk of that."

Nikki just nodded slightly, her eyes glazing over as she leaned into Harry's shoulder, helpless. She didn't like the thought of her tiny baby, barely a day old, having an operation, but she knew she didn't have any choice.

"So when… when will she have to have this done?"

"As soon as she's stable enough to be put through surgery," Dr Marichura told her. "She's making such good progress at the moment that it looks as though we could do it within the next 2 or 3 weeks- it's not going to be a major operation- but that all depends on how her breathing levels out and how much weight she puts on. There are some dangers of operating on such a small baby of course, as with any operation, but we won't go through with anything until we're sure she's strong enough, Dr Alexander. We'll keep this as safe as we can do for her." He looked at the clock.

"I'm going to have to go; I've got another patient I need to see. But I'll be able to answer any questions you might have closer to the time of the operation." And with that said, Dr Marichura headed for the door, and Dr Groenewald stepped forward.

"So how are you feeling, Nikki?" she asked her patient.

Nikki shrugged. "Fine. A bit sore, but fine, the drugs seem to be working. But…" she looked up at the doctor, determined. "But I don't want to stay on it. I'm not going to be able to feed Joycelin while I'm on morphine, am I?"

"Nikki…" Harry began, knowing that after all the surgery Nikki had gone through that day alone, coming off the morphine was far from a good idea.

"No, you can't feed a baby on morphine," Dr Groenewald agreed. "But this isn't just about Joycelin, Nikki; you need to look after yourself too. You've just had a major operation, it's going to take you weeks to recover completely, and you're going to be in a lot of pain for a good 2 weeks. Coming off the morphine is going to leave you in a lot of pain, you know that. And you don't have to breast feed her; there are alternatives."

"I know, but…" Nikki sighed. "I've let her down so many times already," she whispered. "I've let her down so many times, as she's only a few hours old."

"We're going to have to feed her by syringe for about a week anyway, until she learns to suck properly, so you've got some time to recover a little," the doctor tried to persuade her, but Nikki wasn't buying it.

"But…"

"And you're not going to be able to feed her until you start looking after yourself properly anyway, Nikki. You haven't been eating properly for weeks, you're severely underweight even though you've just had a baby, and yet you won't let us put you on a nutrition drip. You're just going to make yourself ill, and there's no way you're going to be able to support a baby." She stopped, seeing the distraught look on Nikki's face.

"It's harsh, I know, but you need to hear this. There's no alternative I'm afraid; you're just not going to be able to look after her properly if you don't eat."

"Nikki, come on," sighed Harry, resting his chin on her head as he pulled her in closer. "All you've got to do is let the doctors put you on a drip for a bit, just until you're weight comes up a bit, and then you can come off it and look after Joycelin properly, OK? If nothing else, do it for her, Nikki. Do it for Joycelin."

"OK." Her response was barely audible, but it was a response all the same, and that was what mattered to Harry. Because she was finally letting someone help her, she was finally allowing the situation to be taken control of. And for that, he could only be grateful.


	86. Breakaway

**Sorry it's short, but I've got my first GCSE tomorrow and have been busy revising :( Though once my study leave starts properly, I'm hoping to get some more writing done in my breaks. I've got a oneshot almost finished, I don't know if anyone's interested? It's set after 'A guilty Mind' but contains a flashback to the past based around a Harry/Nikki scene from Body 21, the one about the cat :) Let me know if you want it, and I'll get it up over the next few days xx**

**Thank you so much to Amy, Lauren, dinabar, gemS, doctorwhofanatic_2010, thyqua, em and lizzi for your reviews, you guys are amazing :) Please keep the feedback coming! And Thyqua, there is angst coming up, and the glimpse of it at the end is for you :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 85**

**Breakaway**

**Monday 1****st**** August 2011**

**-8.39am**

Nikki Alexander yawned slightly and opened her eyes, squinting as the brightness of the morning sun hit her, overwhelming her with its intensity. She frowned. She remembered going to sleep; after the doctors had spoken to her Harry had insisted that she remain true to her side of the bargain and get some rest, but she had only intended to sleep for a few hours; then Harry had promised to take her upstairs to the neonatal unit to see Joycelin. So why was it so bright? It should only be early evening; middle of the night at the latest. Confused, Nikki tried to roll over to check the time, cursing to herself as her body screamed out in pain and resorting to reaching out across the bedside table instead, grabbing her watch. 8.39 am. How could it be 8.39 in the morning already? It was the next day, the day after her daughter's birth, and she had still only laid eyes on her twice. She wanted to see her, and the feeling was almost overpowering. She had to go and see her baby; she had to make sure she was OK. But she was alone. How was she going to get up to the neonatal unit by herself?

She sighed, knowing that what she was about to do wasn't exactly a good idea and was hardly going to go down well with Dr Groenewald, not to mention Harry and the others, but so desperate to see her daughter that she didn't care. And so she braced herself, pulled the nutrition drip out of her hand and closely followed the action by ripping out the morphine wire, sat up slowly, ignoring the increasing pain as she swung her legs over the side of the bed and slowly, cautiously, she stood up, swaying slightly on the spot before finding her balance. She moved around the bedside table and pulled the plug out of the heart monitor, then disconnected herself. She was now completely free of wires and tubes and monitor machines, except for a pair of thick rubber tubes protruding from the mass of bandages wrapped around her stomach and leading to a large fluid bag, which she assumed was a drain of some kind. She couldn't pull that out and she knew it, so Nikki bent down slowly to pick up the bag, steadying herself against the bed and standing up again, taking slow steps towards the door.

It took Nikki 20 minutes to reach the neonatal unit; 20 minutes of excruciating pain which she did her best to hide. Several people gave her strange looks on her travels, but she ignored them, just glad that nobody tried to stop her. She didn't care how bad the pain got, she was seeing her daughter, and nothing could stop her.

The nurses looked at her worriedly when at last Nikki arrived on the unit, asking suspiciously if she was really supposed to be out of bed, before sighing and pulling up a chair for her beside the incubator. Nikki practically collapsed into it, closing her eyes as the room began to spin slightly, before regaining her focus and looking down at the tiny baby in front of her. Her daughter was fast asleep, her eyes shut tightly and her hands squeezed into small fists, her left leg tangled around the brace concealing her right, and a slightly agitated expression on her face. Acting almost on instinct, Nikki stretched her hand in through the window in the side of the incubator, stroking the back of Joycelin's fist with her fingers. The baby stirred slightly, and then continued to sleep, though she looked somehow at ease now, as though she knew her mother was there, and suddenly everything Nikki had been planning on telling her vanished into nothingness; it didn't matter anymore. Not now she was here with her daughter, not now that for a while, everything was right in the world. Nikki only wished it could stay that way forever.

"Ek is lief vir jou," she whispered to her daughter, trying to ignore the ache in the bottom of her heart at not being able to hold her in her arms. "I love you. I hope you know that. Even if I'm not always here with you, I do love you, more than anything. You just need to get better for me, so I can take you home. You've got to keep getting stronger, OK? For me."

She looked down at the thick white brace concealing her baby's right leg and sighed, squeezing her hand a little tighter.

„Jy gaan 'n operasie te hê, malaika", she told Joycelin, her voice filled with guilt and regret. "You're going to have to have an operation, darling. But you're going to be OK, I promise. You've just got to hang on for a bit longer, and then the doctors will sort you out. You can do that, can't you? You can hold on, you can make it through this for me? Because I don't know what I'd do without you now, malaika. I don't know how I could possibly live without you, not now I know what I'd be missing."

Nikki looked around her for a moment. The nurse had disappeared, and she was alone with her daughter. So surely… she was only going to break the rules for a few minutes, after all. It would be fine. And so, after taking one last look, just to be sure no one was coming back, and then pulled the lid off the incubator.

Now she looked down at the tiny baby, unsure of what to do next. She had hardly any prior experience with babies as it was, let alone babies covered with tubes and wires. Yet somehow she knew what to do as she reached into the incubator, wrapped her arms around the tiny creature inside and lifted her out gently, cradling her to her chest. The baby yawned a little but stayed fast asleep, snuggling into her mother, the pair of them finally content.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Cape Town, a battered black jeep was pulling up outside a large, whitewashed house, the engine grinding to a halt as the driver-side door opened and a short Vietnamese man stepped out. Bai Lưu looked around cautiously, checking no one was watching him, before jogging up the path to the front door of the house, knocking a few times. But nobody answered. So he pushed open the letterbox, calling through into the house in harsh, clipped English.

"Victor?" he called. "Victor, it's Bai Lưu, you know, from work! Are you in? I've got some news for you Victor, about your daughter!" But still no one answered, and so he sighed, turning on his heels and heading back towards his car. He would be back. He had to come back, he needed Victor's help. It was only fair, after all. He had been funding Victor Alexander's company for several weeks now; he owed him a favour. OK, so Victor could never have imagined the nature of the favour he was going to ask, or rather demand, but Bai refused to think about that. He needed the baby, and he was prepared to do whatever it took to get it. His life depended on that, as he knew only too well. It was just a shame that Nikki didn't.


	87. Taking its Toll

**Chapter 86 :) Thank you so much to Em, Amy, Lauren, GemS, Lizzi, timelove and Thyqua for your reviews, and a huge thank you to whoever submits the 500****th**** one! Please keep reviewing, you guys are awesome! Hope you like this one :)**

**Love Flossiexxx**

**Chapter 86**

**Taking its Toll **

**Monday 1****st**** August 2011**

**-9.27am**

"Nikki?" Harry called through the door, knocking loudly in a bid to get her attention. He hadn't seen her since the evening before; after the meeting with the doctors he and the others had managed to persuade her to get some sleep. Nikki had insisted that she was only sleeping for a couple of hours and she was planning on going up to see Joycelin afterwards, but she had looked so peaceful, so much more relaxed than Harry had seen her in months, that he couldn't bring himself to wake her. So they'd stayed for a few hours, him, Martha, Leo and Janet, until it started to get late and they realized Nikki was dead asleep and unlikely to wake up any time soon, at which point they had headed home for the night. It was the longest Harry had gone without seeing his best friend in weeks, what with visiting her morning, noon and night whilst not at work, and as hard as he tried to deny it, he was missing her, big time, even if it had been only a few hours. He told himself it was just because he was worried about her, because he knew she was so fragile at the moment, because he was used to seeing her more frequently than this and was missing her company. She was his best friend, after all, nothing more than that. Nothing more.

"Nikki, I'm coming in!" he called to her, growing tired of waiting for an answer and pushing the door open. He was hoping to see a change in her today; now she had finally agreed to be put on a nutrition drip she should be more alert than she had been for months, not quite back to her usual self, but hopefully a lot closer than she had been in weeks. But as he bounded into the room and glanced across to the bed, he realized she wasn't there.

It was as if she had vanished. The bedclothes were messy, with an assortment of tubes, wires and monitors scattered across them like some kind of collage, and Harry realised for the first time with a sickening feeling just how many drips and machines Nikki had been hooked up to. The heart rate monitor appeared to have been turned off, but other than that, everything was just as it had been the night before. Except that she wasn't there, and suddenly Harry was overcome with fear.

Where had she gone? If the doctors had taken her somewhere then they would have left all the monitors attached to her, they wouldn't have pulled them off and left them in a messy pile across her now empty bed. No, it was clear the doctors didn't know anything about this. Unless she'd… no, that didn't bear thinking about. Besides, the hospital would have told them if she'd… no, she was fine. Maybe she'd gone upstairs to see Joycelin? But no, she had no way of getting up there, unless she'd pulled off the drips to escape and go up there herself… And suddenly, Harry knew exactly where she was. Because Nikki was stubborn, quite possibly the most stubborn person he knew. And he very much doubted that she was going to let major surgery, bed rest, morphine drips and rock-bottom energy levels get in the way of seeing her daughter. And with that, he took off up to the Neonatal unit, not bothering to wait for Martha, Leo and Janet, whom he had lost a few minutes previously, due to him practically sprinting down the corridors to Nikki's room. He would meet up with them later. But for now, he needed to make sure his best friend was OK.

It seemed like a lifetime passed him by before Harry finally arrived at the Neonatal unit. Once there, he was out of the lift in a flash, running down the corridor, bursting into the ward, and finally letting out a sigh of relief when he saw her. Nikki was sat curled up on a chair beside Joycelin's incubator, holding her daughter in her arms, so wrapped up in her baby that she didn't even notice Harry arrive, and suddenly he was overcome with a wave of jealousy. He wasn't going to have her all to himself from now on, he realized; from this moment on, he was going to have to share Nikki with someone else. But it wasn't so much that which was making him feel so jealous, it was something else, something which Harry could hardly dare to even admit to himself. He wished he was the father. He wished he was Joycelin's dad.

'Stop it,' Harry told himself firmly, shaking his feelings aside. 'She's your best friend, this isn't appropriate. And anyway, she doesn't feel the same way about you. Unless you want to jeopardise your friendship, you've got to stop this. You've got to accept that Nikki's got a family now, and that she's probably not going to need you in the same way from now on.'

"Nikki?" he said softly, approaching her slowly. "Nikki?" She looked up at him now; her face a mixture of contentment and severe pain. Harry groaned silently, knowing that she was in no fit state to be off the morphine drip, and that her physical ordeal of the last 24 hours would be starting to take its toll.

"Oh Nikki, what were you thinking?" he sighed, pulling up a chair next to her and sitting down, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. "You don't know how worried I was, you're lucky the doctors haven't noticed yet! And should you really have her out of the incubator?"

"Harry, please!" she protested, pulling her baby closer into her chest. "I know! I know I shouldn't have, but I just had to see her!" He could see the tears beginning to form in the corners of her eyes now and softened, feeling guilty for having caused them and knowing she had just been missing her baby, the same as any mother. It just so happened that Nikki missing her baby had rather more drastic consequences than normal.

"Nikki, I'm sorry," he whispered, holding her a little tighter. "I'm sorry, I know how hard this must be for you. You just…. You gave me a fright, that's all." He could feel her shaking slightly against him, and studied her closely, concerned. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm… fine," she insisted, but he could tell by the pain in her voice that she wasn't.

"Sure you are. They're giving you morphine for a reason, you know, and you've gone and pulled the wire out. You must be in agony."

"I'm fine!" she repeated, but she winced slightly and pulled her knees up to her chest, and that was enough for Harry.

"But you're not, Nikki, and we both know it. Look, how about I take you back downstairs, we'll reattach the morphine wire, and I'll bring you straight back up?"

"I don't want to leave her!" Nikki protested. "I know… I know it's… only…" she was struggling to keep her eyes open now, her arms around her daughter beginning to relax. Harry reached out quickly to wrap his spare arm around her own, supporting the baby in the event of her mother collapsing from sheer exhaustion, something which seemed to become more and more possible by the minute.

"I know it's only for… a bit, but… I don't…"

"You don't want to leave her, I know," Harry said gently, thinking frantically. "Is there no way we could have her moved down into your room?"

"Harry, she's… 3 months early, she's not even supposed… to be out of… of the incubator."

"OK," Harry sighed. He was going to pursue that one later, even so; Joycelin might have been born at only 29 weeks but almost all her organs were developed thanks to the steroids they had Nikki on in the weeks before her birth, and Nikki was a doctor… He was going to have to investigate, as, judging by Nikki's antics so far, keeping her away from her daughter was going to be impossible.

"Nikki, I know you don't want to leave her, but you can't go on like this…" he began, cutting off in a panic as she slumped against him, her body going limp. Harry cursed to himself, lifting the baby out of her arms quickly and reaching over to place her back in the incubator, before turning his attention back to her mother.

"Nikki?" Her eyes had closed and she looked exhausted, but her breathing was normal; Harry assumed the pain had simply gotten too much for her. "Nikki, come on!"

Her eyes fluttered open now, rolling slightly as she struggled to focus. "What…"

"You passed out, we need to get you back to bed," Harry told her gently but firmly, scooping her up into his arms. "Come on, we need to get you back on some painkillers, and I promise I'll bring you back up here later, OK?"

"Hurts," Nikki mumbled, shivering slightly. "Harry, it hurts."

"I know, that's why we need to get you back to bed," he told her, striding down the corridor and pressing the down button at the lift. "Can you stay awake for a bit longer?"

She just nodded, clutching at her stomach as he jolted her, struggling to hold her steady and open the door onto the corridor at the same time.

"Harry?" Leo was calling his name from a few metres ahead, looking horrified at the sight of Nikki in his arms, as did Martha and Janet behind him. "Harry, what's happened?"

"She's fine, she's just in a lot of pain," Harry explained, smiling gratefully as Janet held the door open, stepping into Nikki's room and laying her down across the bed. "She went up to see Joycelin by herself, pulled out the morphine drip, and now she's paying the price. Leo, can you help me get this back in?" he asked, knowing Nikki would much rather they reattached her themselves than a stranger did it for her. Leo jumped to his feet at once and came over to help Harry, holding her wrist steady as he tried to wedge the drip back into the plastic funnel still attached to her hand. 'What are we going to do with you, Nikki?' he sighed, winning his fight with the morphine and moving on to the nutrition drip. 'What are we going to do with you?'


	88. Hy vong cho tuong lai

**Here's the next one :) and this one is dedicated to Amy, Lizzi, Dinabar (yey, you caught up!), Thyqua, Em, Lauren (I don't know if I am balancing this and GCSEs, don't jinx it!), GemS, and doctorwho_fanatic2010 for your amazing reviews, I love you all and please keep them coming! I've got something major planned for the next one, which should be up by Monday at the latest, it depends how much revision I manage to get done :) And your reviews spur me on with that, so please keep them coming!**

**And if you haven't seen my latest oneshot yet, 'Om te hou haar veilig' (To keep her safe), please check it out! Lots of H/N fluff with a tiny bit of angst :)**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 87**

**Hy vọng****cho tương lai**

**(Hope for the future)**

**Monday 1****st**** August 2011**

**-2.49pm**

Martha Manduna sighed as she looked down at the sleeping face of her almost-daughter, thankful for her looking so relaxed and peaceful for the moment, but knowing it wasn't going to last. She hadn't seen Nikki so at ease since the summer before, when the two of them had found each other again after more than 20 years; even asleep she hadn't looked this relaxed her entire visit this time around. Martha supposed Nikki was at peace now in a sense. She had finally unburdened herself of her whole ordeal at the hands of Bai, she'd had her baby and fallen head-over-heels in love with her, and with Joycelin had come stability; something which Martha didn't think Nikki had experienced much of in a long, long time. And it wasn't just Joycelin she'd fallen in love with. Either Martha was blind, or… well, it wasn't her place to think about that. All she could do was hope that Harry and Nikki hurried up and saw what everyone around them had been seeing for years.

She and Nikki were alone at present, as Harry, Leo and Janet had gone to talk to the doctors about having Joycelin down in Nikki's room with her. After her escapade that morning, Nikki had woken up eventually, the morphine numbing down the physical pain, but she had been upset, she had been agitated, she had refused to settle to anything and sent various people upstairs to see her daughter on a regular basis, checking she was OK. Even then she had refused to relax, bursting into tears on two occasions for no apparent reason. Harry, Leo, Janet and Martha herself were all convinced it was because of not being with her daughter, a pain made a thousand times worse thanks to everything the two of them had been through together that year. They were certain that Nikki would start to relax and recover more quickly if she wasn't constantly so worried about Joycelin, but it just wasn't that simple. That was why it was Leo, Harry and Janet who had gone to speak to the doctors; Harry and Leo because they could use their medical knowledge to try and come up with a compromise, and Janet so that she could explain how she thought Nikki was holding up psychologically, and how she thought she would start to show rapid signs of improvement if she could have Joycelin in her room with her. Whether the doctors were going to agree or not was anyone's guess, but they felt the need to try. Martha had elected to stay behind with Nikki herself, not wanting her to be alone when she woke up. From what she'd seen of the woman she considered her daughter over the past few weeks, she knew she was emotionally unstable, and couldn't bear the thought of her waking up alone, not if she could help it.

Martha sensed movement from the doorway and turned around, still gripping Nikki's hand, to see Harry, Leo and Janet re-entering the room. She looked up at them with a finger to her lips, indicating to the new arrivals that Nikki was still asleep and they needed to be quiet. Each of them nodded and padded over to the bed silently, sitting down next to Martha.

"How's she doing?" Harry asked softly, looking down at his best friend's sleeping form with an expression Martha was certain could only be one thing.

"She's fine," she assured him, her voice fading to a whisper as she saw Nikki begin to stir slightly. "She's fine; she still hasn't woken up, though. She must be exhausted, poor thing." Martha turned to face Harry, Leo and Janet now, searching their faces for an answer before she had even asked the question.

"What did the doctors say?"

"They said that under normal circumstances, they wouldn't even consider it," Leo explained, and Martha's heart sank.

"But they also said that these are far from normal circumstances," he continued. "They said normally they wouldn't let a premature baby out of the unit until closer to their due date, so their organs would all be more or less developed, but because they had Nikki on steroids before the birth, Joycelin's organs are almost developed already. Her lungs aren't quite fully functioning yet but they're happy with her heart, kidney and liver function, so physically she's in a different league to most babies born at 29 weeks. She's very underweight though; even considering how premature she is, so the doctors are quite worried about her maintaining a healthy body temperature."

"But they could monitor her body temperature down here though, couldn't they?" Martha asked. "I mean, they've got Nikki hooked up to all sorts of monitors, if they can do that for her down here, then why can't they do that for Joycelin?"

"They could do," Leo agreed. "They admitted that. They said it's against hospital policy to make a special effort to have one baby in with their mother though, because if they do it for one patient, suddenly everyone will be demanding that treatment, and they simply don't have the capacity to do that. If they agree to let Nikki have Joycelin down here then they're doing to have to send nurses and doctors who specialize in neonatal care down to check on her every few hours, and they can cope with that for her, but they just haven't got the capacity to do that for everyone."

"There are Nikki's best interests to consider here as well, though," Janet piped up. "Obviously the doctors know that she's very fragile at the moment, and that sets her apart from most mothers of premature babies the hospital deals with. They expect all mothers of babies born this early to be very emotional, but Nikki's situation is unique because of everything that's gone on prior to the birth. The psychologist team were worried that Nikki wasn't going to bond properly with Joycelin even once she'd decided she wanted to keep her, so now she seems to be so attached to her they want to keep the two of them together as much as possible. They agree that Nikki will most likely recover much faster both physically and mentally if she's got Joycelin with her, which is obviously the best we can hope for. So…" she looked at Harry and Leo, her face breaking into a grin.

"So they're going to keep her up in neonatal until she's a week old, but providing she's still doing well then, they're going to move her down here. She's going to have to go back upstairs when she has her operation, obviously, and she does need to be kept in the incubator as much as possible, but the doctors are happy for her to be moved down here for the duration of the time she has to spend in hospital."

"That's fantastic!" Martha exclaimed softly. "So how long do they think the two of them are going to have to spend in hospital in total?"

"Joycelin's got to stay in until she's weighing in at about 6lbs, until they're sure she's breathing properly on her own, until she's feeding without a syringe, and until her knee's started to heal, so at least another month, most likely another 2, and possibly 3 if she takes a while to get better. Then Nikki's another story; normally with a c section you'd be out in a couple of days, 4 at the most, but because she had to have the hysterectomy as well she's looking at about a week. But then because Dr Groenewald is so worried about her weight, she's saying she wants to keep her in until her BMI comes up a bit, and she's also worried that Nikki's recovery is going to be delayed if she doesn't put some weight on, so we think she's going to be in here for at least a week, maybe 2."

"So Nikki's going to have to leave Joycelin in here on her own?"

"Unfortunately, yes," Harry sighed. "I don't think she's thought of that yet, but it's killing her just having Joycelin in a different part of the hospital, so I dread to think what she's going to be like when she's been discharged."

"It's probably best not to mention that to her just yet," Martha decided. "She's still so fragile; she's never going to take it well now. Why don't we leave it for a while, let her get better, and then closer to the time she's ready to leave hospital we can break it to her gently that Joycelin's going to have to stay in for a bit longer?"

"Sounds like a plan," Harry agreed. "So are we going to tell her about the possibility of bringing Joycelin down here at the end of the week?"

"I vote we don't tell her," said Leo. "I mean, we don't know for certain that she's going to be well enough, so why don't we keep it as a surprise? That way she won't be disappointed if we can't go ahead with moving Joycelin down here, and she'll be over the moon if we can."

"That's probably best," Martha nodded, and looked down at Nikki's sleeping face as she spoke. She didn't look peaceful anymore; now her face appeared agitated and she was tossing and turning a little, as much as she could with all the drips and monitors attached to her, and without causing herself any further pain. Martha just sighed and squeezed her hand, wondering which part of her horrific experiences of the past few months she was reliving this time. It wasn't fair, that she had to revisit it all in her dreams, it was bad enough she'd had to go through it in the first place. It just wasn't fair.


	89. An Analogy

**This one's for Lizziginne because she asked so nicely, sorry it couldn't be any earlier, I'm putting this up as soon as I can! And it's also for anyone else who's still suffering at the hands of exams, and the next few chapters are for Dinabar, to prove that I do love Nikki really, honest! My family think the BBC actually based her character on me, as the similarities are a bit uncanny… :) Anyway, big hugs to Amy, Thyqua, GemS, Lizzi, Dinabar, Em and Lauren for your reviews, please keep them coming! Hope you enjoy this one, and keep watching this space for the next!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 88**

**An analogy**

**Friday 5****th**** August 2011**

**-4.19pm**

Nikki was bored out of her mind. It was late on Friday afternoon, and with no visitors and no one to take her to see her baby, she had nothing to do. She had finished the novel Sara had lent her, she had completed the entire Sudoku book on the table next to her, and she was now left with nothing to keep her mind occupied for the next hour or so, until Harry, Leo, Janet, Martha and possibly Sara escaped from work. Sighing, Nikki stretched her arms out as far as she could with all the tubes still attached to her, her fingers catching on something hard and rectangular on her bedside table. She reached out for it, picking it up off the table. It was Harry's notebook, the one in which he had written his letters to her daughter, and Nikki thought for a moment, remembering that she hadn't finished reading them yet. She had read a handful of them on Sunday, the day Joycelin had been born, but she hadn't ever got to the end of them. That would give her something to do, she decided; as Harry had clearly put so much time and effort into writing the letters, the least she could do was read them. OK, so he hadn't actually written them for her, he had written them for her daughter, but it was going to be years before Joycelin was old enough to read them. And he had left the notebook on her bedside table, after all, so surely he wanted her to read them? Her mind made up, Nikki opened the notebook and looked for the point she had gotten up to last time, finding the first letter she hadn't yet seen, and settling down to read…

_**Wednesday 27th July 2011**_

_**-3.18pm**_

**4 days before Joycelin's birth, Nikki calculated mentally. She hadn't realized some of the entries were so recent.**

_I did a bad thing just now, Joy. Well, not really, but I did something I shouldn't have, something I promised myself I wouldn't do, in case your mummy doesn't keep you and I have to say goodbye. But I did, Joy. I did, and I'm sorry._

_I was out shopping; your mummy had sent me out, for nail varnish, of all things. Apparently her toenails were getting chipped beyond the point of no return, and 'if I'm going to stay stuck in a hospital bed for another 10 weeks then I want to at least feel slightly presentable. Can you believe that 1 bottle of nail varnish out here costs 52 Rand? That's £5 in British money! 5 whole pounds for a bottle of pink sticky stuff? And how your mummy's planning on actually painting her toenails with a baby bump in the way, I do not know. Although she's still tiny, because you're still so small and you're now living in just over a centimetre of amniotic fluid. And still haven't managed to persuade her to go on nutrition drip._

**Nikki laughed in spite of all the worry still dominating her thoughts as she read Harry's rant about her nail varnish, a rant that was so typically Harry. But her smile faded as she read the last sentence, realizing for the first time just how worried Harry had been about her. He hadn't said anything directly, but his whole tone in that last sentence carried a huge amount of concern, filling her with a sudden wave of guilt. **

_But anyway, so I bought a bottle of the ridiculously overpriced nail varnish, and was just on my way back to the hospital when I made the crucial mistake of walking past a baby shop window. I know, I know, I shouldn't have done it. But I did, and before I had the chance to turn away and get back to your mummy, I saw something fluffy and lilac in the window. It was a stuffed toy elephant calf, almost identical to the one in your mummy's box from when she was a child, except brand new and not slightly grubby (grubby? Was, and something about it just screamed 'Joy'. And so before I knew it, I was stepping out of the shop with a plastic bag containing a gift-wrapped toy elephant, having just been congratulated on my wife's (!) impending arrival by a cheery 20-something year old on the tills. Why, Joy? Why did I do that? Your mummy's been adamant that no one is buying ANYTHING like that due to the fact she's not keeping you, that's why I've had to keep Zanetta's present under wraps. No pun intended. So why did I do it, Joy? Not that you don't deserve it, of course you do. Just that I've gone and got too attached to you, and made it harder than ever to say goodbye._

**She was close to tears by the end of that paragraph. God, she hadn't realized how attached Harry had gotten to her daughter, before she had even been born. But somehow she found that she didn't mind, if anything, she thought it was quite sweet. And Joycelin was going to grow up without a father, so maybe… No, that wasn't fair; she wouldn't take advantage of Harry like that. Pushing those thoughts to the back of her mind, Nikki read on.**

_I'm going to see your mummy now, so that's it for the time being, I'm afraid. Though I'm going to have to go via Martha's house, so I can stash the elephant away, somewhere she, Janet and Leo won't find it. The things you make me do, Joy. The things you make me do._

_Love Harry xxx_

_PS. Toenail painting mystery solved. Am currently sat at the end of your mummy's hospital bed on an incredibly uncomfortable plastic chair while she eats chocolate (nasty South African stuff, but still), and guess what I'm doing, Joy? Yep, you got it, I'm painting her toenails. Which isn't easy, given the amount she's wriggling. Apparently I'm tickling her feet. Yeah right._

**Nikki rolled her eyes and giggled, amazed at how easy it was to imagine Harry actually saying those words out loud, jumping off the page at her. Hadn't he guessed that he was going to have to paint her toenails for her? And what exactly was wrong with South African chocolate? Again, it was so typically Harry that she couldn't help but smile.**

_PPS. Nurse cursed with unenviable task of changing your mummy's catheter has just remarked that she didn't know there was a father in the picture. She is new. Obviously. Because if she'd seen your mummy and me before, she'd know that we're just friends. Best friends, though. Very close best friends._

_PPPS. Even if I sometimes wish it was more than that. But don't tell your mummy I said that, will you?_

**Those last few sentences got Nikki's attention. He sometimes wished they were more than friends? The feeling was mutual, she told herself. She'd lost count of the number of times she'd felt that way, particularly over the last few months. But she'd never thought… she'd thought that after the rape, no one would want to go near her, that they would think she was contaminated, dirty, used… the list just went on and on. And now it was even more complicated, now she not only came with a baby, she also came with no chance of anyone being able to have a biological child with her. Harry might have admitted in his letter that he 'sometimes' wished the two of them were more than friends, but that was all he had said, 'sometimes'. And he'd written this before she'd had the hysterectomy, so would he still feel the same way now? She didn't know. Sighing to herself, Nikki turned to the next page, moving on to a new letter.**


	90. At Last

**I think this is the one you've all been waiting for :) It's taken a bit longer because I wanted to do it justice, so hopefully it will be worth the wait. It's not too long, but I thought this was the best place to leave it, I didn't want to ruin the moment…**

**Thanks to Dinabar, Thyqua, Amy, Lizzi, GemS, Em, Lauren and doctorwho_fanatic2010 for your reviews, I hope this is how you imagined it!**

**Lots of love,**

**Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 89**

**At last**

**Saturday 6****th**** August 2011**

**-4.32pm**

**Nikki flicked over to the next page, her heart thumping in her chest. She was almost scared to read Harry's next letter, scared because she knew what she wanted to read, but she was afraid the actual words written across the page would be very different. And somehow, that terrified her.**

**Friday 29****th**** July 2011**

_I don't know if I can do this anymore, Joy. I don't know if I can carry on pretending I'm not upset about never getting to see you, never getting to see you grow up. And I can't bear to see your mummy like she is at the moment, thinking she hasn't got a family, that she hasn't got anyone who loves her. She's got you; you love her, don't you? And she's got Martha, who thinks of her as a daughter, I know, as does Leo. And she's got Janet, she's got Sara and her family. And she's got me, and you know what, Joy? I love her; I love her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. But you can't tell her that, OK? That has to be our secret Joy, because I don't want to overwhelm her, I don't want to jeopardise my friendship with her, because I know she's been through a lot lately and won't be ready to be told that, and because I don't know if she feels the same way about me. But you're not going to be able to pass any of this on, are you? By the time you read this you're going to be living with your new parents, and you won't have a clue what I'm wittering on about. But that doesn't matter, not really. What matters is that you'll know that even though you're on the other side of the world, even though you're not with your mummy anymore, you'll know that she's loved, that she's got people who care about her. As long as she's got me, she'll never be alone, and she'll always be loved. I promise._

**Nikki stopped in her tracks, speechless, her eyes beginning to water. She had to read through the whole thing again, just to be sure of what it said. Harry… Harry had said… she couldn't even admit it to herself, out of fear that somehow it wasn't real, that someone was playing a horribly cruel trick on her. But it was Harry's handwriting, and he wouldn't have written it if he didn't mean it… would he? She didn't think so, but then she felt as if she didn't know anything anymore. Except for one thing: that she loved him too. And she always had. **

**Saturday 6****th**** August 2011**

**-5.02pm**

Harry climbed up the hospital steps 2 at a time, anxious to get up to Nikki's room to see her. He had planned to drop by during his lunch break, but a new case had left him with barely enough time to grab a sandwich, and he had been forced to accept begrudgingly that he wasn't going to have time to go and see Nikki. So he had been forced to wait until late afternoon, when Sara had come back to Peppertree Mortuary after getting called out to a crime scene to find him staring into space, and had laughed and rolled her eyes and said if he wasn't going to get his report finished, he might as well pack up for the weekend and go and visit Nikki. And so Harry had been out of the door in an instant and headed straight for the hospital, eager not to waste a moment of his newly-gained time off work. He knew that Nikki wouldn't have been able to visit Joycelin so far that day; her energy levels were still at rock-bottom, meaning that by the time she managed to get herself upstairs to the neonatal unit she was exhausted, and no one else had dropped by to see her, meaning that she had now gone almost a full 24 hours without seeing her baby- she had been fast asleep by 7 the night before, worn out and feeling slightly sick after almost a week on morphine. And knowing Nikki as he did, Harry knew that she would be just about going insane by now.

"Nikki?" he called round the door, peering through the gap to check she was awake. Seeing her sitting up in bed, alert, Harry pushed open the door and stepped into the room, his smile fading when he saw her close up. Her eyes looked slightly swollen, like she'd been crying, and she was giving him a strange look which he couldn't quite place.

"Nikki? What's wrong?" Harry asked, concerned, making his way over to Nikki and perching on the edge of her bed. He reached out to take her hand, hoping to offer her some comfort, and realized that she was holding something: his notebook, the one he'd written his letters to Joycelin in. Oh god, she must have finally got round to reading the last of the letters, specifically, the one in which he had declared his love for her. Why on earth had he listened to Martha and left the letters lying around for her to read? It had all backfired, he was sure of it. Nikki had read it all but she didn't feel the same way about him, and now she was angry, or she was overwhelmed and unsure as to how they could possibly carry on being friends after his revelation, or she didn't know how to tell him that she just wasn't interested. Now their friendship was ruined, and he only had himself to blame.

"Nikki, I'm sorry, I…" he began, but she shook her head.

"Did you mean it?" She asked softly, her voice laced with disbelief. "Harry? Did you mean it when you… when you said you…?" It was almost as if she couldn't bear to say it out loud.

"That doesn't matter," he tried to reassure her. "I'm so sorry, I should never have-"

"Harry, you're not listening to me!" Nikki protested, her voice laced with frustration. "Don't you see?"

"See what?" Harry asked her, confused.

"That I…" Nikki paused for a moment, shaking, terrified that she was about to ruin their friendship for good, that he didn't feel like that anymore and hadn't been able to tell her. But she had to risk it, she had to find out, or else she would never know what could have been. She had to take the chance.

"I love you, too," she whispered, she eyes meeting Harry's as she watched his expression, anxious to see his reaction to her confession. "But listen, I know you wrote that before and you might not have meant it, and if I've got the wrong impression then I'm sorry, I don't want this to come between us, I…"

But she never got to finish her sentence. Because before she could, Harry's lips were locked against hers, his hands wrapped around her waist, pulling her in close as he deepened the kiss, giving her a silent answer worth a thousand words. The pressure on her abdomen from his touch hurt a little, ruining the moment ever so slightly, but Nikki didn't care. Because Harry hadn't run a mile; he hadn't even let her down gently. He was kissing her, he was actually kissing her, not spontaneously like that time in the pub, but properly, passionately. And suddenly, sat there with Harry, knowing that her daughter was going to be OK and knowing that he felt the same, that he still loved her, even after the hysterectomy, after the rape, after all of the cruelty inflicted upon her that year, everything felt right in the world.


	91. About Time

**It's a nice long one for you all today :) Thank you so much as ever to dinabar, thyqua, Lauren, doctorwho_fanatic2010, Amy, Lizzi, and Em for your reviews, and thank you everyone for the well wishes about the exams! Will be glad when they're over, just worried about the results now!**

**It sounds like you all enjoyed the last chapter :) Some of you want more fluff, where others want to move on to the angst. There's going to be a bit more fluff, but soon the angst is going to set in for a bit, but I promise everything's going to turn out OK in the end, hopefully, that way everyone will be happy! Another thing, I'm thinking of splitting this story into two, because it's INCREDIBLY long and there's still quite a way to go! It would mean that Sunset in SA would end on a cliffhanger, but the next fic, the sequal, which would follow on immediately after the last chapter of this one, would have the happy ending. Or I could just make Sunset in SA really long :) It's up to you guys, so let me know which you would prefer, and I'll go with what the majority of you guys want.**

**Hope you enjoy this one, please review and let me know!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**Chapter 90**

**About Time**

**Saturday 6****th**** August 2011**

**-5.18pm**

Nikki didn't know what prompted the tears. She was happy, after all, happier than she could ever remember being in her life. For the first time since before her father went off the rails, before her mother's death, before everything had gone so wrong during her childhood, everything seemed to be slotting into place. Not that she hadn't been happy during the 20 years since her mother had died; of course she had. She'd just never had a family, never had anyone to love, and never felt truly loved herself, not in the way she had desired so badly. Her string of boyfriends, or 'unsuitable men', as Harry had always called them, had never given her any sense of stability, just used her for a couple of weeks and then dumped her by the wayside, or let her down big time, as Ryan the paramedic had done. And then, just at a point in her life when Nikki had been feeling more and more alone and convinced that she was missing out on something in not having a husband, a family, a purpose in life other than work, and just as she had started to realize the way she felt about Harry, Bai had come along and shattered her life to pieces. She hadn't thought she could ever recover from the rape, from having to carry a child she hadn't thought she wanted, then giving up a child she wanted desperately, then facing up to a whole world of guilt and mixed emotions. And yet she had come out the other end of the nightmare; she had fallen in love with her baby in a way she had never thought was possible, and suddenly Nikki felt as if she had a purpose in life. At last, she had someone to love and look after in Joycelin, and suddenly out of the blue, in a matter of minutes she had found Harry, too. Looking back, she realized she had loved him for a long time, but she'd just been too scared to admit it to herself, too terrified of ruining their friendship forever. Maybe it was that which set her off; the realisation that neither of them had managed to maintain a relationship for more than a couple of months. Oh god, what was she going to do when it all fell apart? She couldn't live without Harry in her life, Nikki knew that much. So what was she going to when either she or Harry pushed the other over the edge, leading to a messy breakup and the end of their friendship? How was she going to survive then?

Harry pulled away from her a moment later, studying her face as all the passion faded from his eyes, replaced with concern. But that only made her love him even more, seeing how much he seemed to care, and that realisation just made her cry even harder.

"Nikki?" his voice was laced with worry as he addressed her, removing his hands from her waist and squeezing her own instead. "Nikki, what's wrong?"

"Harry, what are we doing?" she whispered, too afraid to meet his eyes for fear of upsetting him. "We can't do this, we just can't!"

And he didn't run a mile. He didn't agree with her, he didn't apologise and suggest they forgot the kiss had ever happened; he just pressed her for an answer, for a reason for feeling so afraid of what they had done. He tried to reassure her.

"Why?" Harry asked her gently. "Nikki, come on, give me one good reason why not."

"Because it won't work out!" she sobbed. "You know what our track records relationship-wise are like- no offence intended- but they're pretty dismal, to say the least! Sooner or later one of us is going to annoy the hell out of the other, we're going to fall out big time and damage each other beyond repair, and then we'll never be able to talk to each other properly again! And I can't lose you as a friend, Harry, please, I can't! Don't ask me to do something that's almost certainly going to lead to me losing the best friend I've ever had!" She was trying to fight the fear and remain calm, but it seemed to be an impossible task. As much as she hated to admit it, she'd come to rely on Harry over the past 7 years; somehow he'd become the most important person in her life, to the point at which she wasn't sure she could function without him anymore. So what would she do when they broke up? She'd be alone once more, trying to raise a baby whilst dealing with her own messed up feelings. And that could never work.

"Nikki! Nikki, look at me!" Harry insisted, cupping her chin and lifting her head until she was looking right into his eyes. "Answer me this: are you planning on causing a huge fall-out? Because I'm not. Listen, personally, I think none of my previous relationships have worked out because I didn't love them, not really. I think I thought that perhaps I could love them, eventually, but it never got that far. But that's not how I feel about you. I love you Nikki Alexander, I always have, ever since you left that pile of Iron Age bones on my desk and invaded the lab. I love you like I've never loved anyone else in my life, Nikki, and I'm not going to let you go, not ever. That's how I know everything's going to work out between us, because I love you too much to just let you go."

The tears were flowing freely now, cascading down her cheeks as she stared at him for a moment, hardly able to believe what she was hearing.

"No one's… ever told me… that… before," she managed through her tears.

"Well, you've never been with the right person before then, have you?" Harry told her. "Because I wouldn't tell you that if I didn't mean it. And listen Nikki, I know you might not be ready for a proper relationship right now, not after… anyway, but we can take this as slowly as you like. I'm not going to rush you, I don't just want you for sex or anything like that, I just to be with you, Nikki. And I'll wait as long as you need."

"So you're not put off by the hysterectomy? That I come with someone else's child, but you're never going to be able to have your own with me? Wouldn't you rather be with someone undamaged you can have your own children with?"

"What? God, no!" Harry looked shocked at the very thought of it. "Nikki, you're not damaged, don't even say that! You've just been through something horrible over the last few months. And yes, I suppose I am upset that I won't be able to have any children of my own, but that's nothing compared to how you must be feeling, having to have a hysterectomy out of the blue. But Nikki, Joycelin's nothing to do with him, she's your baby, and if you want me to, I will love her like my own daughter. Although, tough if you don't want me to, because I think I love her like my own daughter already. I could go and find someone else, yes, but I don't want anyone else. You're the only one I want, Nikki, and you always will be."

She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder as she took in his words, feeling safe and comforted as Harry wrapped his arms gently around her.

"God, I love you Harry Cunningham."

He laughed. "Is that a 'yes', then?"

"What do you think?"

That was how Leo, Martha, Janet and Sara found them an hour or so later; snuggled up to each other at the foot of Nikki's hospital bed, Harry holding her tightly in his arms, protecting her from the world. That wasn't uncommon for the two of them, as they all knew only too well. They had all witnessed the closeness of Harry and Nikki's relationship over the years, they had all wondered when they would finally come to their senses and realize what had been right under their noses the entire time, but they had all dismissed it, believing it was never going to happen. Except now, as they pushed the door open and stepped into Nikki's hospital room, it was plain to see that even for Harry and Nikki, they were sitting rather close, not to mention displaying an awful lot of affection. And as they sensed their visitors enter the room, the pair of them sat up and looked over to the door, staring nervously for a moment, before looking at each other and nodding slightly.

"We've… got something to tell you," Harry began, glancing between Leo and Martha anxiously, like a teenager meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

Leo glared at him for a moment, feigning anger at the pair of them, but then became unable to contain himself, and his face broke into a broad grin.

"About bloody time, too."

Meanwhile, it was a quiet, peaceful evening in 3 Anchor Bay. The African winter sun was just beginning to set over the town, casting a golden shimmer over the whitewashed buildings. Victor Alexander was sat in the kitchen of his home on one of the larger housing estates, staring into a whisky glass, marvelling in his drunken state at how it seemed to paint the world orange when you looked through it. He was not an alcoholic as such, no; he just became one temporarily whenever he was alone in that house. Because within those walls, he was never alone, not really. Whenever he sat there in the silence by himself, Celin Alexander's ghost seemed to pace the rooms, sometimes as he remembered her in life, before everything had started to go wrong. Sometimes Victor would see her shortly after their marriage, when they had first moved in, rushing round the place in an excited frenzy as she hung photographs on the walls, placed ornaments on the tables. All that was gone now of course; he assumed Nikki had it in her flat in London, the last traces of her mother clinging to her home, a ghost welcome and happy in a way she never could be here.

Nikki… He had been thinking about her recently, more than usual. Partly because he knew that he had everything to thank her for. She hadn't introduced him to Bai Lưu- in fact he didn't think she even knew Bai was helping him out yet- but he was incredibly thankful that she'd met him in the first place, even more so that she had mentioned his financial trouble, and that Bai had decided to help. He'd hardly lifted a finger so far, and yet Bai had already started paying him, a substantial amount of money, too. He had told Victor that nothing much could be done until his colleagues arrived later in the month, at which point they would certainly need Victor's help, with anything he could advise them on.

It was strange, how Bai Lưu had arrived unannounced just as Victor was thinking about him. But at that moment, the doorbell rang, and as Victor pulled the door open, it was Bai he saw standing there on the doorstep.

"Victor!" he greeted. "Have you been out of town? I came by a few days ago and you were nowhere to be found!"

"No, I'm sorry, I was out," Victor explained. He had been out in the wasteland, exploring, visiting some of the places he had taken his family, almost 20 years ago now.

"I've got some news for you," Bai explained, stepping into the house. "Well, it might not be news to you, I don't know. Have you heard from your daughter at all recently?"

"From Nikki?" Victor asked, surprised, before shaking his head. "No, I told you when we first met; Niks and I have a rather complicated relationship. I haven't seen her in almost 3 years now- not that I don't want to see her, you understand, quite the opposite- but anyway, no, I haven't heard from her. Why?"

"She's in Cape Town," Bai explained. "I've just had a call from a friend, the friend I met Nikki through in the first place. She tells me that Nikki's been a patient at the West Cape Imperial Hospital for a number of weeks."

"Hospital?" Victor repeated, suddenly alert. "She's… she's in hospital? She's been in there for weeks? My god, what's happened to her?"

Bai paused, awkwardly. "It's not really my position to say. You should go and see her, Victor. Let her tell you herself."

"She's not…" he was worried now. He hadn't had a proper relationship with his daughter in 23 years- Nikki had made sure of that. But that didn't make him love her any less. And it certainly didn't stop him worrying about her. What if she'd suddenly gotten ill, out of the blue, just like Celin had? Secretly he knew that part of the reason he didn't fall apart, knowing how his wife had died a slow and painful death without him there, was because he also knew that part of Celin Alexander lived on in her daughter, their daughter, and something inside of him hoped and prayed that one day, the two of them would be able to be a proper family again, or at least, what was left of one. But if Nikki was ill now too…

"She's not going to die, if that's what you're thinking," Bai assured him. "But I really think you should be talking to Nikki about this, not me."

"Of course," Victor agreed. "I'll head down there now-"

"You can't, you'll miss visiting hours," Bai explained. "Go down there tomorrow morning, that way you've got the whole day to spend with her, if you two manage to patch things up."

"Good idea," Victor agreed. "And thank you so much for letting me know."

"No problem," said Bai. "But listen: please, whatever you do, don't tell Nikki it was me who told you. She'll be mad at me. Just… make up some story about being at the hospital to see a friend and one of the nurses mentioning her name, will you?"

"Of course, anything," Victor agreed, brushing his suspicions at Bai's strange behaviour aside. He wasn't about to accuse him of anything, not after he'd travelled out all this way just to tell him about Nikki. He was on edge now, worrying about her, but he knew there was nothing he could do until tomorrow. Tomorrow, he told himself. He would go and see her tomorrow, make sure she was OK, like a proper father should. Tomorrow.


	92. Epilogue

**I actually cried writing this! It's the end of an era guys, because it's the last EVER chapter of Sunset in South Africa! But don't worry: I've decided to split the fic in half, so I'm uploading the prologue of Sunset in SA part 2 at the same time, which is called 'Lifelines in London'. LinL picks up directly where this fic leaves off, and contains the happy ending I promised you all. It's going to be a healthy mixture of fluff and angst to please everyone, and don't worry, I promise Bai isn't going to last much longer :) **

**I just want to take this opportunity to thank Thyqua, Amy, Lizzi, Starr123, doctorwho_fanatic2010, Em and Lauren for your reviews of the last chapter, and everyone who had been reading and reviewing. A particular thank you goes to Amy (tigpop) for being there right from the beginning- I think you win the longstanding Sunset in SA award! This is on 538 review s now, which is amazing… so can you guys do one last thing for me before we all move on to the next part, and try and get up to 550? That would be SERIOUSLY AMAZING if we could; it would be an amazing number to end on :) So please, whether you've been a regular or you've never reviewed before, whether you're a member or not, can I have one last review of Sunset in South Africa? Two words will do! And I will update LinL sooner if we can reach that target!**

**Hope you've all enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed writing it, and I hope to see you all over on Lifelines in London as soon as you can! It's up now, providing wants to show it!**

**Love Flossie xxx**

**PS. If anyone's interested, there's a really interesting programme on channel 4 on demand at the moment called 'White boy, Black Nanny,' about a white man who was raised in SA by a black nanny during Apartheid, as Nikki was by Martha. It's only 25 minutes long, and it's basically about the guy trying to track down his nanny despite having only a photo and a first name to go by, how life was for black women during apartheid and how little life has changed, even today. It also shows how horrible the living conditions still are for native South Africans, and how they would still be for Martha as shown on the programme. I think now Harry and Nikki are together, they're going to have to sell Harry's apartment and buy a holiday house in Cape Town for Martha to live in too :) Anyway, just thought I'd let you know in case you're interested :) Do let me know if you watch it, but by no means feel you have to! xx**

**Epilogue**

**Year of Rooster**

We spend the whole day walking once we've left Victor's house; walking aimlessly through the streets of Cape Town, with no particular destination in mind. Lan says that's because it's not where we end up that's important. It's how far we get away from _them_.

Who 'them' is exactly, I don't know. I don't know anything, not anymore. I had thought I knew what was going on, but the more time passes, and the further we wander through dirty and dangerous backstreets, I realize that I don't understand in the slightest what's really going on. I'd thought I knew, as soon as I remembered my mum, as soon as I started to fit the pieces together. It all seemed to make so much sense, before Lan and I ran away. I thought my mum and I had been kept captive by Bai and Victor, yet it doesn't seem to be them that Lan is so afraid of. She's afraid of someone she keeps calling 'the defector'; she says he's the one who sent me into the palace in North Korea, who almost got me killed. She keeps talking about him under her breath, over and over again, as if the mere thought of him sends her into some kind of trace. She's starting to scare me now, but I'm trying not to think about that. I haven't got another option, unless you count going back to Victor's house, which I'm never doing, as long as I live, or walking the streets of Cape Town, alone, which would practically be a suicide mission. And so I have to stay with Lan, following her through a maze of back alleyways all day long, until my feet blister and my stomach starts to twist itself into knots, but still I keep going. I'm too afraid of what will happen if I get left behind.

Lan's trying her best, but there's not an awful lot she can do until I remember something, anything, that might help us find someone connected to my mum. I did suggest we found a local internet café and typed my name into a search engine, or my mum's name if she was still so determined not to get the police involved. I remember my mum telling me she was a doctor in London, a special kind of doctor who looks after dead people, and locks the bad people up so they can't hurt the good people anymore. So surely there must be something about her on the internet? But Lan, it seems, is a technophobic, convinced that the minute we type 'Nikki Alexander' into Google, the Phoenix Movement are going to sweep down on us and kill us in an instant. It seems unlikely, but I'm scared, all the same. As Lan keeps reminding me, there's a lot about the world that I don't know.

I haven't remembered anything so far, except for a game my mum and I used to play together on the bad days, 3 years ago when life was very different. Some days I'd be taken out of the small, whitewashed room we shared and locked away in another, bigger room, left with a colouring book or a jigsaw puzzle- anything to keep me occupied. I'd hear my mum screaming from our room down the corridor, but I was powerless to help her. I remember being taken back to our room each time, and finding my mum sobbing hysterically on the floor. Each time she'd stay like that for a while, not even aware I was there, before finally looking up and holding me tightly, telling me how sorry she was that I had to see her like that. And then, when she'd calmed down a little, she'd teach me something she called her 'party trick', reciting it over and over again until I knew it by heart.

It was the bones of the hand- the medical names for every single bone in the human hand. She used to take my hand in hers and work her way across from my thumb to my little finger, naming each bone in turn and waiting for me to repeat it, before moving on. _The carpal bones come first, located in the base of the palm. The carpometacarpal joint links the thumb to the palm. Then comes the metacarpal, the proximal phalanx, the distal phalanx… _I could go on for hours if I wanted to, but Lan doesn't seem bothered. She says that if it's not going to help us find someone connected to my mum, then it's not worth thinking about right now. I can tell her all the bones in the body for all she cares, but only once she's left me with someone who knows my mum, who can send me back to her. Then she's going to call the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society together, and they're going to war with the remaining corrupt members of the Phoenix Movement. They're going to take them down, so they can't hurt anyone else, ever again. The trouble is, Lan won't give the Con Chuồn Chuồn Society the all clear to start the fight until I'm back with my family. And I still don't know where my family is.

It's evening now; Lan and I have been walking since the early hours of the morning, and both of us are exhausted. We're walking through a marketplace now, all the stalls closed up for the night and the whole place deserted. The light is beginning to fade too, giving the whole place a slightly haunted feel to it. But we can't stop. Lan says that we have to keep going, we have to find somewhere safe to hide away until morning comes. And judging by the number of strange, menacing looks the two of us have been given today, the number of times Lan has taken one look at the group of huge, angry men heading towards us, taken my hand and run, I'm not going to argue with her.

"Almost there," Lan promises, turning back to look at me as I follow her through the marketplace. "There's an old, abandoned market stall a bit further on that no one ever uses, we can climb in underneath the counter and sit on the spare stock shelf underneath. It'll be a bit of a squeeze, but it'll do us for one night, won't it? Then tomorrow we should be able to reach a friend of mine by nightfall…" But then she trails off, her voice fading out and echoing a little in the deserted square. And suddenly there's a strange look in her eyes, like she's finally come out of the trace she's been stuck in all day, entering the real world again at last.

"Joycelin," she whispers, her face a picture of shock. "Joycelin, come here."

Lan grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me over to her, positioning me next to one of the closed up market stands, before standing back and studying me closely, her eyes flitting from me to the left of the shutters behind me, to the right of the shutters and back again. She looks shocked; completely and utterly shocked.

"Lan?" I ask, confused. "Lan, what's going on?"

"Turn around, and you'll see for yourself. Trust me, Josi, turn around."

I do as she says, not sure what's going on, and glance at the shutters behind me, the loose bits of wood used by the stall owner to close away their stand.

The shutters have been covered completely with posters: thin sheets of white A4 with an image printed on in colour, a bold title and a block of information at the bottom. I notice the title first, printed in a language I don't recognise. There's no point trying to read it, and the chances are that Lan can't understand it either, so I cast my eyes down to the image. And stop. And stare, disbelievingly.

It's a computer generated image, but one made to look like a photograph, so much so that you don't even realize it's not a photograph until you look closely. And it's an image of a child, a girl of about my age, smiling slightly at the camera, only her face and shoulders visible. She looks about my age, mixed race, like me, with coffee-coloured skin and dark brown curls framing her face, cascading down just past her shoulders. She's got the same eyes as me too: deep blue, like sapphires, wide and inquisitive. It takes me a moment to realize that she is me. It's a computer generated image of me.

Shocked, I take a step back and stare at the other posters, trying to see if they're all the same. The picture on each is identical, but the text is different, each written in a different language. There are 20 of them in total, positioned in a huge rectangle across the shutters, blaring out my picture like a floodlight on a dark evening. I find one printed in Vietnamese on the right hand side and read the title out loud to Lan, still unable to believe what is happening.

"MISSING," reads the bold title at the top. "Joycelin Martha Alexander, 'Josi'. Joycelin…" I stop, frowning. "What's the next word?"

"Originally," Lan explains. "Joycelin originally went missing along with her mother, Nikki, when she was 3 months old. Nikki Alexander was found alive in 2014, but Joycelin remains missing. Joycelin is described by her mother as having blue eyes and dark brown hair, of White South African/Vietnamese origin, and is estimated to be 110cm tall at 6 years old. She also has a distinguishable birth mark on her right arm, shaped like a butterfly, and surgical scars on her right knee. Joycelin is thought to be being held by a Vietnamese man named BAI LUU, who may be referring to her as Hong-hanh. Ultimately, Joycelin belongs at home with her family. However much anyone else may love her, we love her more and desperately want her back. HAVE YOU SEEN JOYCELIN? Please contact the police, or alternatively email .za, or give any information you may have at this stand. YOU MAY REMAIN ANONYMOUS IF DESIRED."

We stand there for a while, motionless, too shocked to move. The sun is setting over South Africa now, lighting up the alleyway with a heavenly, orange glow, filling me with the strangest sense of hope. 'I'll find you,' I vow, staring into the golden orb of the sun as I make the silent promise, wondering if my mum is looking up at the same sunset, wherever she is. 'I know what to do now; I know how to get home. I'll find you.'

TO BE CONTINUED


End file.
